Droppin' the Anchor: 2009 IHS College Football Playoff Quarterfinal Round

Last week's answers to the top ten games of the decade in headlines:

10. Oregon-Oklahoma 2006

9. Iowa-LSU Capital One Bowl 2005

8. Florida-Alabama SEC Championship 2008

7. Texas-Michigan Rose Bowl 2005

6. Miami (FL)-Florida State 2004

5. Texas-Ohio State 2005

4. USC-Notre Dame 2005

3. Ohio State-Miami (FL) National Championship 2003 (sorry dmk)

2. Boise State-Oklahoma Fiesta Bowl 2007

1. Texas-USC National Championship 2006

Last season, dmk and AJR26 outlined our thoughts about a potential playoff system for college football beginning in 2014. The likelyhood of this happening continues to increase in the court of public opinion as well as the political arena, but in the factions that actually matter there is actually a much smaller chance of any type of playoff taking place in 2014 and beyond.

That is why here at Icy-Hot Sensations, we are going to once again create our own eight team playoff to decide the 2009 National Champion. Last season, the IHS National Championship pitted Florida versus Southern California, which would have been one hell of a matchup had it occurred. Let's hope we can once again create another great matchup through your votes in the sidebar!

To refresh your memory, I have posted the stipulations of qualifying for the tournament as well as any other rules or requirements.

Stipulation 1: There will be an eight team, five week playoff beginning the first weekend of December and ending the first weekend in January.

Stipulation 2: Determination of the top eight teams will be done by methods and analysis similar or identical to the BCS.

Stipulation 3: Conferences cannot divide into divisions, as all teams will be in an eleven or twelve-team, once division league.

Stipulation 4: All Power Conference Champions are NOT guaranteed a BCS berth.

Stipulation 5: There will be a maximum of two representatives per conference.

Once again, there will be six warm weather bowl game sites that will host the six games leading up to the National Championship game. The National Championship will be held at the same site as one of the four quarterfinal games, with the title game sites on a six year rotation.

Here are your 2009 quarterfinal matchups:

Quarterfinal 1: #1 Alabama (13-0) vs. #8 Ohio State (10-2) (at Orange Bowl, Miami, FL)

On paper, this contest looks to be the most lopsided of the playoffs. The Crimson Tide staked their claim as the nation's top team after thrashing #5 Florida 32-13 in the SEC Championship game. The Buckeyes, meanwhile, finished 10-2 in the mediocre Big Ten and just sneaked into the top eight ahead of ACC Champion Georgia Tech.

Alabama is paced by the nation's top defense and arguably the best running back in college football. On defense, the Tide are allowing just 11 points per game and a paltry 241.7 yards per game to their opponents. That side of the ball boasts future NFL players at every unit, the most prominent of which is Butkus award winner Rolando McClain. The 258lb linebacker is tied for sixth in the SEC with almost eight tackles per game and has also notched four sacks and 12 tackles for a loss during his junior campaign. McClain will likely have the tough task of spying Buckeye quarterback Terrelle Pryor in this matchup. Pryor, a run first-pass second signal caller who has improved his passing prowess this season, will need to have a superstar game both running and throwing for Ohio State to move the ball against Nick Saban's battle tested D.

On the other side of the ball, Alabama running back and Heisman Trophy finalist Mark Ingram is the catalyst for an offense that at times this season has struggled to move the football and score points. The Tide has rushed for an average of 215.9 points per game with Ingram (1542 yds, 6.2 yds/carry) and freshman Troy Richardson (642 yds, 5.1 yds/carry) combining for most of those yards and 21 touchdowns on the ground. The proficiency in the ground game has allowed junior quarterback and first-year starter Greg McElroy to settle into a nice groove and he has rewarded his team with stellar performances in two consecutive pressure-packed battles against Auburn and Florida.

The one and only thing that could make this game closer than many people would assume is Ohio State's ability to stop the run. Led by defensive linemen Cameron Heyward and Thaddeus Gibson, the Buckeyes were fifth best in the NCAA against the run, surrendering just 83.4 yards per game. The dominating duo of Heyward and Gibson combined for 20 tackles for loss and were seventh and eighth on the team in total tackles. Their performance, along with the rest of the Buckeye front seven, will determine if Ohio State has any chance of defeating Alabama.

Ohio State's track record against the SEC in recent seasons has been terrible to say the least. And although I do not believe they will get the victory in this quarterfinal, I do think the Buckeyes will make it interesting until the Crimson Tide pull away in the fourth quarter.

AJR26's Pick: #1 Crimson Tide 23 #8 Buckeyes 13

Quarterfinal 2: #2 Texas (13-0) vs. #7 Oregon (10-2) (Rose Bowl, at Pasadena, CA)

The champions of the Big 12 and Pac 10 tangle as the Longhorns and Ducks hookup at the Rose Bowl for the chance to move into the semifinals. Undefeated Texas enters the playoff after avoiding a Nebraska upset bid in the Big 12 championship game, winning 13-12 on a field goal as time expired. Oregon won a 38-33 decision over rival Oregon State in the Civil War to clinch the Pac 10 title and secure its spot in the 2009 playoffs.

One could make a pretty substantial argument that Texas has played just three noteworthy opponents this season and looked terrible in two of those contests. Their most impressive performance of the season came against Oklahoma State, the Big 12 team that most resembles Oregon this season. This is good news for the Longhorns as Texas's defense played wonderfully, forcing four interceptions in their 41-14 thrashing of the Cowboys in Stillwater.





Even with their relatively weak schedule, Texas is arguably the most all-around football team in the nation. In each of the three critical facets of football (offense, defense, special teams), the Longhorns have some of the best if not the best units in the NCAA. The unit which gets the most publicity is the offense, as Heisman Trophy favorite and four-year starter Colt McCoy has had one of the best careers in Texas history. The senior is 45-7 in 52 total starts and has thrown for over 13,000 yards and 110 touchdowns in his four seasons in Austin. His favorite target has been his close friend and roommate Jordan Shipley, who has over 3,000 receiving yards on 238 receptions. This season Shipley and McCoy have connected on 106 occasions for 1,363 yards and 11 touchdowns. Texas depends so heavily on McCoy and Shipley, because it's running game has lacked any consistency in 2009, which could hinder their hopes for a national championship.



Oregon features a dynamic offense led by an athletic quarterback in Jeremiah Masoli. Masoli has been a part of 27 total touchdowns and has 2725 yards of total offense this season for the Ducks. He has done a nice job of spreading the ball around in the passing game, as seven Oregon receivers have double digit receptions led by Jeff Maehl's 52. The Ducks perverbial bread is butter not through the air but on the ground. Oregon is sixth in the country in rushing, totaling over 236 yards per game this season, averaging 5.5 yards per carry. Redshirt freshman LaMichael James is the team's leading rusher, as he has rushed for almost 1,500 yards since taking over for LaGarrette Blount after the season opening loss to Boise State.



The bad news for the Ducks is that the Texas defense is the top ranked unit against the run in the NCAA. The Longhorns are surrendering just 62.2 yards per game which is a miniscule 1.99 yards per carry. Only three opponents have rushed for over 100 yards in a game, none have rushed for over 200 yards, and four have been held to 10 total rushing yards or less. Needless to say, if Oregon cannot establish the run and be more physical with the Texas defensive front, the Longhorns have a good chance of winning.



Texas has struggled this season against teams with extremely strong defenses and while Oregon has an above average defense, they are not equipped like Oklahoma and Nebraska to shut down Colt McCoy and the Longhorns. I see Texas starting fast and putting this game out of reach by the beginning of the fourth quarter, with Oregon scoring a couple of late touchdowns to make the final score respectable.





AJR26's Pick: #2 Longhorns 38 #7 Ducks 27




Quarterfinal 3: #3 Cincinnati (13-0) vs. #6 Boise State (13-0) (Holiday Bowl, at San Diego, CA)


Cincinnati comes into the playoff after their incredible 45-44 comeback victory at Pittsburgh, while Boise State finished their undefeated regular season with a 42-7 win over New Mexico State. If this matchup were to actually happen, I'd bet those on the Holiday Bowl committee would be jumping for joy at this potential shootout. Both the Bearcats and Broncos feature explosive offenses that averaged 39.8 and 44.2 points respectively, in 2009, and this game would likely come down to which squad has the ball last.



This matchup for the Bearcats is possibly the worst of the eight remaining teams, outside of Alabama. The Bearcats rely heavily on their passing game, which finished 2009 ranked sixth in the nation at over 320 yards per contest. The Broncos defense, on the other hand, ranked 13th in the country in passing defense, allowing just 172.8 yards per game, while intercepting 21 total passes. This will be a classic matchup of strength versus strength and I doubt either coach will change their strategy based on its opponent. To make matters even worse for Cincinnati, their coach, Brian Kelly, just bolted to Notre Dame in an attempt to wake up the echos. Needless to say, the players were less than pleased.



For Cincinnati, that means relying on Tony Pike to lead its former head coach Brian Kelly's passing attack. Pike, who will start the playoff game, and backup quarterback Zach Collaros have combined to throw 36 touchdowns to just eight interceptions this year. The main beneficiary of the Bearcats' two effective quarterbacks has been senior wide receiver Mardy Gilyard, who ranked in the top-17 of the NCAA in receptions (6.7) and receiving yards (95.8) per game, as well as overall receiving touchdowns (11). Gilyard will undoubtedly be the focus of the Bronco defense as well as their special teams as he has three return touchdowns and is one of the best returnmen in the nation.



As far as the Broncos are concerned, they should have no problems scoring against a Cincinnati defense that has surrendered 21 points per game and an average of 36.5 in their last four. The Broncos are very balanced on offense, averaging 266 yards passing and 194.5 rushing for 2009. This balance is going to be critical against the Bearcats, because of the offensive proficiency of Cincinnati. Running backs Jeremy Avery and Doug Martin will carry most of the load in the aforementioned Bronco rushing attack and will need to get almost 40 carries combined if Boise State wants to come away victorious.



The biggest knock (which is completely warranted) on Boise State is the lack of strong opponents in their season schedule. The Broncos' schedule ranked 91st out of 120 in all of the FBS in 2009. That being said, this is the third time in four seasons which Boise State has finished the season unbeaten, and it would also be the Broncos' third entry into the eight team playoff to decide a national champion. Being a non-power conference team, I'd say that accomplishment is impressive regardless of the fact that they would not have advanced beyond the opening round in either of the first two years. Look for that to change this year, as long as the Broncos hold onto the football. You can call me crazy but I believe this will be the season that Boise State breaks through with a hard-fought upset victory over Cincinnati.



AJR26's Pick: #6 Broncos 31 #3 Bearcats 26




Quarterfinal 4: #4 TCU (12-0) vs. #5 Florida (12-1) (Sugar Bowl, at New Orleans, LA)





The #4 vs. #5 matchup of the 2009 IHS College Football playoffs provides the most intrigue, as Gary Patterson's Texas Christian squad faces Urban Meyer's defending national champion Gators. For the Horned Frogs, this will be their first true chance to assert themselves as a national championship contender. For the Gators, they will have to forget about their terrible performance against Alabama in the SEC Championship game and come ready to play against their non-power conference opponent TCU.



This game will be all about defense as TCU and Florida have the top and fourth ranked overall defenses in the country, respectively. Both teams are stingy on the scoreboard as well, as the Gators are allowing 11.5 points per game and Horned Frogs surrender just 12.4. Florida and TCU also rank in the top-25 in the country in other defensive catagories including passing defense, rushing defense, sacks, third-down defense, and red zone defense. Both squads also have individual stars across the board on defense, so the likely hood of either offense getting to 20 on the scoreboard is highly unlikely.




Offensively, the TCU and Florida are mirror images of each other much like they are on defense. They both average 35 or more points and 440 total yards per contest. Each team likes to run the football out of multiple sets, but the Horned Frogs have four rushers with 99 attempts and no ground gainer has more than the 140 of Joseph Tucker. The Gators, however, rely heavily on the legs of Tim Tebow as he has more than double the attempts than second leading rusher Jeff Demps. One thing that will be interesting to watch is how TCU quarterback and gingerkid Andy Dalton fares against the speed of the Florida secondary. Dalton, who is probably the weakest of all the quarterbacks in the playoffs, will have to make some plays through the air as well as on crucial third-downs for the Horned Frogs to put up some points.


As if the offensive and defensive equalities weren't enough, the Horned Frogs and Gators are nearly even in most special teams catagories. Florida is second in the NCAA in net punting, but TCU is 21st in punt returns and has returned two punts for touchdowns. On the other side, TCU is not a great punting team , but the Gators have struggled to muster anything in their punt return game. Finally, both teams are very good at kickoff returns and kickoff return coverage and each has "housed" one kick this year, which points to yet another even matchup at the Sugar Bowl.




What's the difference in this game? I know its cliche, but I think Tim Tebow somehow finds a way to move the ball against this TCU defense. Even though he struggled against Alabama, especially with his second half interception in the endzone, Tebow and the Florida offense moved the football when they had a chance. I do not believe the TCU offense will be as effective in terms of ball control even with their strong ground game, which will provide the Gators with more chances to grind out a low-scoring win.




AJR26's Pick: #5 Gators 17 #4 Horned Frogs 14


Playoffs Schedule:
Semifinal 1: Winner QF 1 vs. Winner QF 4 (Fiesta Bowl)

Semifinal 2: Winner QF 2 vs. Winner QF 3 (Cotton Bowl)

National Championship at Pasadena:
Winner SF 1 vs. Winner SF 2

REMEMBER TO VOTE IN THE SIDEBAR EACH WEEK!!!

Droppin' the Anchor: Top Ten Games of the Decade in Headlines

For the regular season finale of Droppin' the Anchor, I decided to comb the archives of my deteriorating brain and the internet to compile a list of the 2000's ten best college football games. To make things a bit more exciting, I am going to post the answers to these games sometime next week. These really shouldn't be that difficult, but please post your guesses in the comments of this column! If you disagree, then I'd like to hear some other games which didn't make the list.

10.) Thrilling finish marred in controversy at Autzen

9.) Prayers answered for the Black and Gold

8.) Fourth quarter comeback gives fans a Tebow-ner

7.) Two storied programs, One storied game

6.) The Curse still has something "Left"

5.) 'Horns assert themselves as a Contender

4.) Touchdown Jesus no match for Shoving Reggie

3.) Are U for real?

2.) It's Tricky, Tricky, Tricky

1.) Unbeaten and Forever Young

This week's games:

SEC Championship: #2 Alabama vs. #1 Florida (at Atlanta, GA)

The winner of this game, much like a season ago, will head to the National Championship while the loser will go to the Sugar Bowl. I honestly have no idea how things will shake out considering the developments of the week and the statistical similarities of the Gators and Tide. I do believe that Alabama will not win this game coming from behind like they did last week at Auburn. In fact, unless Alabama gets a two-score lead in the second half I think the Gators and Tim Tebow will find a way to get things done at the Georgia Dome.

Crimson Tide 17 Gators 22

FCS Quarterfinals: #5 Appalachian State at #4 Richmond

Mountaineers 39 Spiders 45

Division II Semifinals: #9 Carson-Newman at #6 Grand Valley State

Eagles 22 Lakers 27

Division III Quarterfinals: #11 Wittenberg at #2 Wisconsin-Whitewater

Tigers 10 Warhawks 35

Eat, Eat, Eat, and Eat Some More

On behalf of everybody here at IHS, I want to wish our dozen readers a Happy Thanksgiving. Sadly, there will be no Droppin' the Anchor this year due to lack of time because of my increased Turkey Day travels, but I will leave you with this brand-spankin-new Thanksgiving Rap.

Who ya got? 2009 Turkey of the Year

One of my favorite parts of Thanksgiving Day besides the mid-afternoon food coma is Patrick Reusse's Turkey of the Year column in the Star Tribune. For the last thirty-two years, "Fat Pat" has annually provided a good laugh while highlighting the sporting world's and/or Minnesota's biggest douchebag of the year.

I am not going to attempt to write my own column. That would be more of a joke than my stadium tour or Metrodome Moments pieces. Rather, I want to present a list of the possible finalists and ask that you vote for who you believe has earned the 2009 Turkey of the Year.



AJR26's contenders:





Mr. Royce White - The consensus favorite. Minnesota's reigning Mr. Basketball and top recruit of Tubby Smith and the Gophers has managed to grab the headlines without ever stepping on the floor. His shoplifting and assault of a mall cop at the Mall of America was a second strike against a player who has a history of behavioral problems. As if that weren't enough,"Rolls" Royce has been named as a person of interest in an on-campus theft of a laptop. Can you say Isaiah "J.R." Rider without the "East Bay Funk Dunk"?







Mr. Tim Brewster - Always a worthy nominee. His coaching problems have been covered numerous times on this blog and he apparently has a supporter in the Star Tribune's blogging community for this prestigious award.

Mr. Joe Nathan - A borderline finalist which could be the front runner in 2010 if his career continues on the decline. The Twins most overpaid player makes the list solely due to his postseason bedshitting against the Yanks. Don't believe he belongs?...check his postseason stats.

Mr. Brett Favre - Say what? Yes, after his long drawn out saga which reestablished him as professional sports' top diva, America's favorite gunslinger makes the list. Wrangler's #1 spokesman just slips into a finalist spot even though his researgence has helped the Vikings to a 9-1 record.

Mr. Don Lucia - Continues to search for his first Turkey Award after being a finalist each of the last four years. After missing the NCAA tournament last year, it was impossible to think the Golden Gopher hockey program could get much worse. Let me tell you, they are trying their damnest to prove me wrong and Lucia is the one who should shoulder the blame. Could be the sleeper selection.

Others? - Think the 2009 TotY will come from outside this accredited group? Your comments and nominees are welcome....REMEMBER TO VOTE IN THE SIDEBAR!!!

Droppin the Anchor: It's Sink or Swim for Punky in 2010

For all intents and purposes, the Golden Gophers' 2009 season ended two weeks ago with their uninspiring 35-32 loss to Illinois at the Bank. This loss, arguably the worst of the Tim "Punky" Brewster Era, put Minnesota's biggest windbag on the hot seat and his squad responded with an even worse performance at home against FCS "titan" South Dakota State.

Even prior to the epic battle with the Jackrabbits which resulted in a 16-13 win, Brewster's resume looked more like Jim Wacker's and less like Glen Mason's. Punky's record at Minnesota currently sits at 14-22, with two of the 14 victories over FCS programs and devistating losses against NDSU, Northwestern, and of course the 55-0 debacle at the dome last year versus the Hawkeyes. In addition, Brewster is 0-7 in rivalry games against Iowa, Michigan and Wisconsin. Thus, barring an upset that earns Minnesota the Floyd of Rosedale trophy in Iowa City this weekend, one can bet that Punky's lack of job security and bloggers calling for his firing will continue into the 2010 season.

If you're one of those in Gopher Nation which drinks the Kool-Aid about Punky, let me be clear in saying that 2009 has been Brewster's worst coaching job in the three years he's been at the helm at the U. And yes, that includes the 1-11 debacle in year one. This team is a terrible college football team and the fact they are going to play in the Little Caesars Bowl in Detroit is a travesty. If you don't believe me, then look at the stats both in the Big Ten (11 teams) and the entire FBS (120 teams).

Offense: Scoring (10th/88th), Total Offense (11th/112th), Passing (7th/78th), Rushing (11th/107th), Penalties (11th/79th), 3rd Down Conversion (11th/75th)

Defense: Scoring (8th/70th), Total Defense (9th/79th), Passing (10th/71st), Rushing (7th/74th), Opponents 3rd Down (10th/111th)

Now I am no statistician, but the Gophers do not rank in the top half of the Big Ten or the NCAA in any of these catagories. THAT IS UN-FUCKING-BELIEVEABLE. Basically, this team is futile on both sides of the ball with the offense and more specifically the offensive line being the most pathetic part of the team. Now, I wrote at the beginning of the season if Brewster could match his 2008 record of 7-5 that it would be a success and I still believe that...but it ain't gonna happen. I don't care how hurt Kirk Ferentz's squad is heading into the season finale, there is no chance the Gophers pull off an upset at Kinnick Stadium.

After Saturday's massacre at Kinnick, where we hope no married moms and horny guys get together in the handicap stall, what will the future (beside the bowl game) hold for Brewster and the Minnesota program mired in mediocracy?

We'll first off, Punky is not going anywhere. With that being said, I believe 2010 will be judgement year for Coach Brewster and his rhetoric. And it should be. A coach should get at least four years to maximize the opportunities they get with the players they've recruited in the schemes and philosophy they're comfortable coaching. If they fail to produce results by/in year four, then there are no excuses or others to blame.

So what will 2010 have in store for the Gophers???? Here is their slate:

at Middle Tennessee State

South Dakota

Southern California

Northern Illinois

Northwestern

at Wisconsin

at Purdue

Penn State

Ohio State

at Michigan State

at Illinois

Iowa

I have gone through this schedule many times and I struggle to convince myself that the Gophers have a legitimate shot at winning more than seven games. With a stronger than normal non-conference schedule, I think seven games would be acceptable provided one of those seven victories was earned against Wisconsin or Iowa. If Punky gets to seven wins without a win against the U's biggest rivals, then that means he will be 0-10 after four seasons those contests and would likely be shown the door.

Onto the games...

FBS: #25 California at #17 Stanford

Golden Bears 31 Cardinal 41

Runner Up: #11 Oregon at Arizona

FCS: #5 William & Mary at #4 Richmond
Tribe 26 Spiders 20

Division II: 2nd Round Playoffs - #6 Nebraska-Kearney at #3 Minnesota-Duluth

Lopers 27 Bulldogs 42

Division III: #7 Mary Hardin-Baylor at #6 Central (Iowa)
Crusaders 14 Dutch 16

Check Out The New Digs!

On Monday in the Crystal Court at the IDS Center the Twins unveiled their new uniforms to compliment the new ballpark for 2010. It looks like the organization ditched the pinstripes on the road in favor of gray ones with Minnesota. I think I like the new look, but I'll have to wait to see them in action. However, I do think Denard looks superb in the throwback unis the Twins will be sporting for Opening Day, April 12th, and Saturday home games.

It's like AJR26 circa his senior year of college

Via Shutdown Corner:

Jared Allen should definitely stick to his day job, but I have to admit that skit was pretty damn funny. Plus, speedlines AND a dirty mullet???? SIGN ME UP.

Gomez for Hardy

The Twins have traded away centerfielder Carlos Gomez to the Brewers in exchange for shortstop J.J. Hardy.

Snap analysis is that this makes sense in terms of filling out the lineup card. Span will obviously become entrenched in center, Cuddyer in right, and thus leaving Delmon and Kubel to platoon in left while the other DHs or sits. Obviously, this means its likely the Twins don't resign Cabrera or go after any other free-agent shortstops and Hardy becomes their everyday shortstop.

I think the ceiling remains too high for Gomez for this to be a logical trade from the Twins perspective, I would have rather had a Young for Hardy deal. Sadly, only time will tell.

Droppin' the Anchor: Your Annual Handicapping of the BCS Contenders

Since all my creative energy is going into selecting a Halloween costume (I'm down to Uncle Sam or something that incorporates my Snuggie) for Saturday night, I have elected to give you my annual BCS odds in this week's edition of Droppin' the Anchor. In 2008, I gave you the BCS odds following the initial rankings and predicted that Texas would battle Florida for the National Championship. This turned out to be half true, as Oklahoma finagled their way into the game against the Gators.

Last year, the Gators played their way into the BCS Title Game and won the national championship after opening the BCS ranked #10, while Oklahoma, began the BCS at #4. It marked the first time in the last ten years that neither the first nor second ranked team at the beginning of the BCS rankings earned their way to play for a national championship game. Will this year be as unpredictable? I am not sure, but with USC at Oregon and Texas at Oklahoma State, I have a feeling this week could go a long way in determining the BCS matchup.

6.) Texas Christian (7-0)

If you missed my column two weeks ago, then you missed my thoughts behind allowing an undefeated Boise State to play for a National Championship over a one-loss USC or others. TCU should fall into this thinking as well, because the Horned Frogs, like the Broncos, have not played a strong enough schedule. Even though the Horned Frogs are likely to finish undefeated if they get past Utah on November 14th, I don't think three quality victories in an undefeated season is enough to get them into the BCS championship game.

Odds: 50-1(ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE IN HELL)

AJR26's Record Prediction: (12-0)

5.) Southern California (6-1)

This is not the same caliber of Trojan team which we are accustomed to seeing out of Southern Cal this decade. Their offense lacks the normal abundance of weapons and the defense is young and not nearly as dominant as those past. Still, if USC can win in the deafening Autzen Stadium on Saturday night, they have a legitimate chance at playing for the BCS title. Following the game at Oregon, USC will travel to Arizona State and then finish the season with three consecutive home games in which they will be heavily favored. Should Texas and Iowa falter, I believe USC will get the nod over both those teams, as well as the SEC championship game loser, for a spot in the National Championship.

Odds: 8-1

AJR26's Record Prediction: (10-2)

4.) Iowa (8-0)

The Hawkeyes are undoubtedly the surprise bunch of the Top 6, as Kirk Ferentz has his squad off to their best start in school history. Carried by a staunch defense and clutch offensive plays, Iowa has somehow stayed unbeaten. A November 14th date at the Horseshoe in Columbus is Iowa's only true obstacle on the path to an unblemished record. They have to take care of business by winning out and then hope that both, if not all of the trio ahead of them in the current BCS standings falter. If there happens to be three undefeated BCS conference teams, then I believe the Hawkeyes will be the odd team out. I don't believe this will happen though, as injuries to RB Adam Robinson and OG Dace Richardson have crippled an already undertalented offense.

Odds: 20-1

AJR26's Record Prediction: (11-1)

3.) Texas (7-0)

For the Longhorns, I believe this weekend's game at Oklahoma State is their ticket to a National Championship game. The Burnt Orange will have no difficult games on the home stretch of their schedule, unless you think a home game in Austin against Kansas will be a challenge. If all goes as planned, you'll see Colt McCoy and company on January 7th at the Title Game. Vindication after last year's debacle in the Big 12 tiebreakers.

Odds: 2-1

AJR26's Record Prediction: (13-0)

2.) Alabama (8-0)

Saban. Ingram. Mount Cody. Houndstooth Hats. (See Below)

IS ANYONE EXCITED FOR A NATIONAL SEMIFINAL REMATCH IN HOTLANTA??

Odds: 3-1

AJR26's Record Prediction: (12-1)

1.) Florida (7-0)

Urban. Timmy T. Spikes. Gator Chomps. (See Above)

IS ANYONE EXCITED FOR A NATIONAL SEMIFINAL REMATCH IN HOTLANTA??

Odds: Even

AJR26's Record Prediction: (13-0)

BCS Championship Game Prediction:

#2 Texas (13-0) vs. #1 Florida (13-0)

I said it at the beginning of the year and I am sticking to it: Texas and Florida are the two best teams in the country and they will play in Pasadena for the BCS Championship.

Onto the games...

FBS: #5 Southern California at #10 Oregon

Trojans 24 Ducks 29

Runner Up: #3 Texas at #14 Oklahoma State

FCS: #14 Weber State at #2 Montana

Wildcats 34 Grizzles 31

Division II: #9 Texas A&M-Kingsville at #13 Abilene Christian

Javelinas 16 Wildcats 21

Division III: #20 Thomas More at #11 Washington and Jefferson

Saints 16 Presidents 13 (OT)

Take Me To Your Leader

On NFL Countdown this morning, Rachel Nichols reported that in an effort to keep the team loose, Vikings head coach Brad Childress dressed up as a female flight attendant on the team plane.


WAIT. What. The. Fuck? Before your biggest test of the season thus far you are thinking of ways to make your team laugh at you (not with you Brad) instead of game planning? If you're an NFL coach and you already know your players think you're incompetent, how does it help your situation as a leader if you dress in drag to keep your players from getting up tight? Oh yeah, it probably doesn't.

note: If the Vikings lose this game I'm placing the blame squarely on Childress' crossdressing shoulders.

Droppin' the Anchor: Death in Your Arms

I'll admit that thus far in my life I have been extremely blessed and have experienced a very minimal amount of tragedy. I have thankfully never had an immediate family member, close friend, or teammate that passed due to sudden, tragic events. In fact, the closest experiences I have to the word tragic would be my grandpa's death (he was 85 years old) or the serious car accident that my friend and I were involved in during high school.

Thus, my familarity with feelings and emotions during a shocking tragedy are limited. I can only speculate on what the family, friends and teammates of slain Connecticut cornerback Jasper Howard have been going through since last Saturday night. And my suspicion is that they are experiencing pure hell. Especially the teammates who were at the school dance when Howard and fellow Husky football player Brian Parker were stabbed.

Like the case of slain Broncos' corner Darrent Williams, Howard was at the dance with his UConn teammates, who doubled as friends but were more like brothers than acquintances. They were brothers because in college athletics, teammates spend multiple hours every day together for nearly 365 days a year. They joke together on a weekend night while hanging out. They sweat together at 6 a.m. before classes. They eat together after evening film session. They live together for the summer. They work together in practice and in games. They cry together in times of joy and sorrow. They win together and they lose together.

Speaking from experience, there really is nothing quite like being a part of a football team (even if in my case it was little ol' Division III). That is why instances like Howard's or Williams's really tear at my heart. In the case of Denver's Williams, it was Javon Walker who held his friend, slumped over and bleeding in his arms immediately after he was ambushed by drive-by gunmen. According to UConn head coach Randy Edsall in last weekend's tragedy, "One [teammate] had Jasper in his arms and the other was pressuring where the wound went in and had blood on his hands...and those two young men are pretty deeply affected right now."

I cannot and do not want to imagine the vivid nightmares that those two players have engrained in their minds for the rest of their lives. Even reading Coach Edsall quote a couple of times should give you the chills. For me, it is truly hard to fathom what it would be like to hold a teammate in your arms and try to keep him from dying. Try as they might, that is truly something no person could ever forget. Javon Walker has never recovered from his experiences that winter night and refuses to get counciling or even discuss the events. Hopefully the two men who were by Howard's side last Saturday night and had to experience that nightmare firsthand will be able to over come their personal grief and get the proper help if they need it. Hopefully their teammates can provide the support in this terrible time.

Tragedy seems to happen quite often in sports these days with names like Adenhart, Taylor, the aformentioned Williams, and Stringer coming to mind as players who died suddenly during the season for no rhyme or reason. Unfortunately, now Howard's name will be added to a growing list of deceased athletes who died much too soon. RIP Jasper Howard, I am sure you'll be missed.

This Week's Marquee Games:

FBS: #8 Texas Christian at #16 Brigham Young

This game could be called the "Religious Intolerance Bowl presented by Pat Patterson and Mitt Romney", but for now it can be billed as a game that will end on of these two team's BCS chances. Since getting bitched by Florida State at home on September 19, the Cougars have breezed to four easy victories to move their record to 6-1. The Horned Frogs are undefeated at 6-0 and executing coach Gary Patterson's 4-2-5 to perfection, allowing just 13.7 points a game. Patterson, who has made a habit of moving talented offensive players to defense, reminds me a little of my first college coach whose name rhymes with Briss Crann. He was a total douchebag and for that reason I am taking BYU to pull the upset. Fuck you Briss Crann.

Horned Frogs 14 Cougars 19

FCS: #14 Massachusetts at #1 Richmond

Minutemen 22 Spiders 27

Division II: #9 Abilene Christian at #13 Tarleton State

Wildcats 31 Texans 20

Division III: #3 Wheaton at #13 North Central (Ill.)

These two teams enter this tussle with the CCIW title on the line. If you think you've heard this story before, you probably have because one of these two schools have won the league each year since 2006. The host Cardinals are gunning for their third straight conference crown and would like nothing more than hand the Thunder their first loss of the season. Don't be surprised if some points are hung on the scoreboard in this one North Central is averaging over 57 points per game and Wheaton nearly 39.

Thunder 34 Cardinals 42

Soulja Boy ain't got nothing on dmk

A little Saturday video fun:



Check back tomorrow for the final installment of my Metrodome Moments series, which has turned out about as well as that ballpark series that never got finished.

Droppin' the Anchor: Boise State Doesn't Belong in the BCS Title Game

Below are 2009 schedules from three different teams currently in the running for a BCS national championship:

Schedule 1

Sept. 3 vs. Oregon

Sept. 12 vs. Miami (Ohio)

Sept. 18 at Fresno State

Sept. 26 at Bowling Green

Oct. 3 vs. UC Davis

Oct. 14 at Tulsa

Oct. 24 at Hawaii

Oct. 31 vs. San Jose St.
Nov. 6 at Louisiana Tech
Nov. 14 vs. Idaho
Nov. 20 at Utah St.
Nov. 27 vs. Nevada

Dec. 5 vs. New Mexico St.

Schedule 2

Sept. 5 vs. Alabama (Neutral Site)

Sept. 12 vs. Marshall

Sept. 19 vs. Nebraska

Sept. 26 vs. Miami

Oct. 3 at Duke

Oct. 10 vs. Boston College

Oct. 17 at Georgia Tech

Oct. 29 vs. North Carolina

Nov. 5 at East Carolina

Nov. 11 at Maryland

Nov. 21 vs. N.C. State

Nov 28 at Virginia

Schedule 3

Sept. 5 vs. San Jose State

Sept. 12 at Ohio State

Sept. 19 at Washington

Sept. 26 vs. Washington State

Oct. 3 at California

Oct. 10 vs. Arizona

Oct. 17 at Notre Dame

Oct. 24 vs. Oregon State

Oct. 31 at Oregon

Nov. 7 at Arizona State

Nov. 14 vs. Stanford

Nov. 28 vs. UCLA

When analyzing the difficulty of these slates, 99 percent of people would say that both schedule two and three are much tougher than schedule one. Their reasoning, I suspect, would be two-fold, with both a stronger non-conference schedule (two games against traditionally strong opponents) and a more consistent challenge in their conference games being the supporting evidence against schedule one's difficulty.

Obviously, anyone with a quarter of a brain can figure out that the above are the respective schedules of Boise State, Virginia Tech, and Southern California. My question, which is posed seemingly every season about a non-BCS conference unbeaten, is should Virginia Tech and/or USC be selected for the BCS title game over a Boise State team without a blemish on its record?

Every year this question is posed and every year it should be answered with a resounding NO. To even think that an undefeated team should automatically be chosen for the title game (provided there are not more than two unbeatens: see Auburn, 2004) no matter what conference or schedule they participate in is completely asinine. In addition, if you think Boise State has a hard time scheduling BCS powerhouses or any other worthy opponents, think again. They have been a top-25 program for at least five years now and I am sure teams in the Pac-10 or Big Ten would be delighted to play the Broncos. If you are "for the little guy" and believe these or any other opinions like this or this, you should be put out of your misery by that pneumatic cattle prod thing from "No Country for Old Men".

I know, I know, you're saying, "But what about Boise State in 2006 or Utah last season?!?!" What about them? They beat national powerhouses in a bowl game for which they had a month to prepare. Give any good team, and the Broncos and Utes were good teams, a month to prepare against a heavily favored opponent which has nothing to play for because their sites were set on a national championship and upsets occur. Christ, even Glen Mason won some fucking bowl games people.

Onto the games...

FBS: #20 Oklahoma at #3 Texas (at Cotton Bowl, Dallas, TX)

The oddsmakers have Texas as 3 to 4 point favorites for this edition of the Red River Rivalry and to be honest with you, I think that is on the low side. Contrary to what some people believe, this is more of a revenge game for Texas than Oklahoma, even though the Sooners lost 45-35 last year to the Longhorns. There really is no double revenge in this game because Oklahoma had their chance to win a national championship last season and failed. I think losing to Texas but winning a national title would have been revenge enough.

Texas will win this game because of its defense, much like a season ago. The Longhorns are fourth in total defense in the country and #1 in in third-down defense . They are 16th in scoring defense, but would be in the top ten if it weren't for 10 fourth quarter points in garbage time during their opener against Louisiana-Monroe. Plus, I picked them at the beginning of the season to battle Florida for the national championship and I am sticking to my guns.

Sooners 27 Longhorns 38

Honorable Mention: #4 Virginia Tech at #19 Georgia Tech

The winner of this hootenanny could have a possibility of sneaking into the BCS National Championship, while the loser will probably play in the Chick-Fil-A "Fistfuckin' Yer Sister Bowl".

FCS: #5 Southern Illinois at #2 Northern Iowa

The host Panthers only loss is a one point heartbreaker to Iowa in which the Hawkeyes blocked two last second field goals to seal the win. The Salukis only setback is a three point loss at Marshall. Look for this one to go down to the wire.

Salukis 29 Panthers 34

Division II: #16 Central Missouri State at #13 Missouri Western

Mules 17 Griffons 28

Division III: #15 St. Thomas at #6 St. Johns

Tommies 20 Johnnies 17

"I'm Bleeding"

As I'm sure you've heard/seen by now, Owen Schmitt is a big dumb fullback. More precisely, he smashed his helmet on his forehead before being announced Sunday in Seattle versus the Jacksonville game. Apparently Schmitt has a history of this, but it didn't work out so well this past weekend.

But my favorite part is what he says to one of the assistant coaches on the sideline. I read his lips when I watched the video on NFL Fanhouse and couldn't stop laughing hysterically at how funny it is he felt he had to let someone know he was bleeding, as if they couldn't tell.

Coaches, Pfffffff. Nick Punto Goes On Instinct....and Crowd Noise?

Reason #1,297 that Nick Punto is a douchebag and a terrible human being:
"I knew he [Span] didn’t hit the ball real hard. I thought it was getting through. The crowd was going crazy. I had my head down. I picked up Scotty late. It was all on me. A terrible play, and a key play in the game."

That exact quote, minus the crowd noise comment, could have been used in numerous beer-league softball games this summer around Minnesota when your squad's 300lb first basemen lumbered around third base to try and score. In a major league baseball playoff game though, I would bet 99.9 percent of people are probably saying the same thing as me: 'DA FUCK?!?!

But wait, there's more:
A reporter asked if the stop sign came up late. Punto shook his head and said:

"That's my play. I heard 50,000 people screaming, and I thought the ball had gone through. That's what a roar like that usually means. But they were just happy that Denard was going to be on first."

Damn you (myself included) Twins fans, how could you make so much noise in the eighth inning of a one-run game when the ball didn't even go through the infield???!? Do you not understand what a roar like that usually means?????

For a professional baseball player, who represents the team's tying run in the eighth inning of an elimination game, to not pickup your third base coach and round third base with your head down is inexcusable and idiotic. BUT HE PLAYS THE GAME SO HARD, LOOK AT HOW HARD HE WAS RUNNING AROUND THIRD. ONLY MAUER COULD HAVE CHUGGED THAT HARD AND NOT GOTTEN PICKED OFF. PUNTO'S A GAMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Twins-Yankees ALDS Game 3 Live Blog

We'll be back around 5:00 for some lineup discussion. You can expect Brendan Harris to start at 3B. I haven't read anything about who's going to DH, but I'd anticipate Morales is in the DH spot and Koo-Koo Gomez is in CF. (Edit: I'm a jackass. Gomez and Morales won't both play unless Gardy wants to sit down Delmon, which he won't.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

New York		Minnesota
Derek Jeter	SS	Denard Span	CF
Johnny Damon	LF	Orlando Cabrera	SS
Mark Teixeira	1B	Joe Mauer	C
Alex Rodriguez	3B	Michael Cuddyer	1B
Hideki Matsui	DH	Jason Kubel	RF
Jorge Posada	C	Delmon Young	LF
Robinson Cano	2B	Brendan Harris	3B
Nick Swisher	RF	Jose Morales	DH
Melky Cabrera	CF	Nick Punto	2B
Andy Pettitte	SP	Carl Pavano	SP

As expected, Harris replaces the DL'ed Matt Tolbert at 3B, and Jose Morales is in the DH spot. Carl Pavano takes the hill to face the team that wasted $40 million on him. Which should be fun.

We have about 45 minutes until the game starts. Go watch some football. The Broncos and Patriots are both sporting fantastic uniforms today - check out the Broncos socks, in particular.

And yes, the Minnesota Favres won again today. Fucking terrific. And the Bills lost despite Cleveland's QB (Horse Balls Anderson) finishing with a Kirby Freeman-esque line of 2-17 for 23 yards and 1 INT. That is not a joke. Buffalo's not the worst team in the NFL yet, but goddammit, they're trying.

Back in a half hour or so to discuss any notable pre-game developments. In the meantime, enjoy football and the fake Chip Caray Twitter.

TOP OF THE FIRST:

Hey, Minnesota fans are booing Derek Jeter to begin the game. Way to be different, fellas.

Jeter hits a harmless chop-shot to SS, which Orlando Cabrera scoops up. The throw is easily in time. One out.

Pavano gets Damon swinging on a ball in the dirt. Two down.

Chip's already talking about how the Twins should get the crowd involved. As if that matters one fucking bit.

Pavano breaks Teixeira inside and gets him to pop out to Punto at 2B. Three down.

BOTTOM OF THE FIRST:

Okay. Before we hear any shit from Minnesota fans about how the TBS announcers are typically all over the Yankees' dicks (and they are), I would like to remind you all of the treatment Brett Favre gets from, oh every football announcer. If you don't have a problem with the Favre love from ESPN/CBS/FOX/Lifetime Network, don't bitch about the TBS/FOX announcers going into heat over the Yankees turning a double play.

Span "works" the count and grounds out to second base on the second pitch of the at bat. One down.

Orlando Cabrera pops out to Nick Swisher in foul territory. Swisher didn't cover an amazing amount of ground, but he's fat, so it seemed like a more difficult play than it really was.

Pettitte gets Mauer to weakly ground out to second. The Twins go down in order. After one, it's scoreless.

TOP OF THE SECOND:

"A-Rod after a day off" seems like the type of arbitrary stat the announcers in Little Big League would use.

Eat shot, A-Rod. Alex swings and misses on a slider that breaks away from him. Pavano's second strikeout of the evening, and there's one out.

Alright, Chip, that was a useful stat. Mr. Caray tells us that Pavano has thrown a first pitch strike to every hitter he's faced tonight. That....is good, Carl.

Pavano sits down Matsui on strikes. Good stuff. Two down for Jorge Posada.

Posada grounds to the right side of the infield. Cuddyer fields the ball and pitches to Pavano for the third out. Carl's set down all six hitters he's faced, and he's done so on 26 pitches.

BOTTOM OF THE SECOND:


GEHEHE. A Metrodome security guard gets smacked in the leg with a line drive off Cuddy's bat. It's funny because he couldn't get out of the way due to his obesity.

Cuddyer's line drive off the security guard turns out to be a much better piece of hitting than when he actually puts the ball in play. Cuddy pops out to Teixeira. One out.

Kubel strikes out. Of course he does. That's kind of his thing so far this postseason. Two down.

Delmon displayed his trademarked patience, swings at the first pitch, and weakly pops out. Three out. We're scoreless through two.

TOP OF THE THIRD:

The Broncos just beat the Patriots in overtime to move to 5-0. The Kyle Orton and Josh McDaniels-led Denver Broncos, who jettisoned a Pro Bowl QB under the age of 26 in the offseason, are 5-0.

Pavano starts Cano off with a strike and gets Cano to ground out to third. One down.

On a 2-2 count, Pavano throws a ball well outside the strike zone and Nick Swisher tries to take first base. Unfortunately for Nick, you can't walk on three balls. To his credit, Swisher laughs about it afterward. He's still a dummy, though.

And then Pavano records his fourth strikeout of the night, getting Swisher to swing through a third strike. Two down.

Melky Cabrera bounces a grounder up the middle. Nick Punto makes a diving stop to keep the ball in the infieled, but can't make the throw. Melky picks up an infield hit. Two down and one on for Jeter.

Jeter swings at the first pitch and makes contact, grounding out to Orlando Cabrera. Cabrera ranged to his left and easily threw out Jeter. Three down.

BOTTOM OF THE THIRD:

Brendan Harris, who, like Nick Punto, is a really cool utility infielder that shouldn't be starting in a playoff game, works an 8 pitch at bat but chases a third strike that's way outside the strike zone. One down.

Jose Morales strikes out swinging. Which sucks. Two out.

Nick Punto grounds out to shortstop. The Twins, like the Yankees, have yet to hit the ball hard tonight. We're scoreless through three.

TOP OF THE FOURTH:

Pavano records his fifth strikeout of the game, getting Damon to go down swinging. Hey, Carl: good to see you (are throwing very well tonight).

HEHEHE. Chip just said "The Twins are very loose." Come on, I can't be the only person to have laughed at that.

Pavano gets Teixeira to strike out on a ball that...well, may have been a bit high, but wasn't obscenely outside the strike zone. That's 6 strikeouts for Pavano.

A-Rod sharply hits a round ball, but it's right at Punto. Three down.

BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH:

On a 1-2 count, Pettitte comes in on Span and nearly drills him. Lean into it, Denard.

On the next pitch, Denard strikes out swinging. That's four strikeouts for Pettitte. One down.

Geh. Cabrera hits a soft line drive that's easily scooped by Cano. Two down.

Oh, shocking. TBS cameras pan to a Twins fan, and, lo and behold, the fan can barely fit in his seat.

Mauer flails helplessly at a breaking ball outside the strike zone. Pettitte's struck out 5 and retired the last 12 hitters he's faced.

TOP OF THE FIFTH:

Hideki Matsui lines a single up the middle for the Yankees' second hit of the night. New York will have a man on first with nobody out and Jorge Posada coming to the plate.

Posada strokes a shot to left. Delmon dives to make the catch and....yeah, I'm not convinced he caught that ball. It kind of looked like it short-hopped, at least initially. But it's ruled a catch. One down.

Oh, Hideki Matsui. Posada sharply hits a ball to first. Cuddy makes a play, and Matsui, who was on first base, freezes with nowhere to go. Cuddy tags Matsui, who by this point is, for some reason, making his way back towards first base, and then steps on first base for an easy double play.

BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH:

Let's get this out of the way: NO HITTER NO HITTER ANDY PETTITTE HAS A NO HITTER BLAH BLAH BLAH JINX JINX JINX

Hey. It worked. Cuddyer shoots a single to left, giving the Twins a runner on first with nobody out.

Well, that went from SHIT to YAY to SHIT in a hurry. Kubel lines a ball to second, and it looks like Cano will catch it and double off Cuddy. But Cano can't make the catch and the ball goes into right field. Unfortunately, Cuddy was running back to first and Swisher is able to collect the line drive and throw Cuddy out at second. One down.

Delmon Young, again with the patience. Young swings at the first pitch and pops up, with Robinson Cano making the play in short center field two down.

And Harris ends the inning by grounding to third base. A-Rod goes to second with the ball, and we have three out. Through 5, Pettitte has thrown 56(!) pitches. Need to make him work a little bit more than that, Twins.

TOP OF THE SIXTH:

QUESTION: Would Nick Swisher's clubhouse antics still be described as "fun" if the Yankees were losing? And would the Twins have a "fun" clubhouse if they were losing? To save you endless time researching this point: no, they would not.

Mr. Fun (not to be confused with Big Fun, a.k.a. The GldnKnight) strikes out swinging. One down.

Melky Cabrera then grounds out on the first pitch he sees. Two out.

Bizzalz. On a 2-1 count, Jeter doubles down the right field line. The ball literally landed on the chalk. For some reason, Twins fans boo, as they seemingly believe it was a foul ball or something.

Johnny Damon is such a fucking douchebag. And, like a fucking douchebag, he looks at a third strike. Jeter's double goes for naught. Pavano's hurled six shutout innings.

BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH:

Jose Morales grounds out to shortstop for the first out.

Wait, WHAT THE FUCK? Chip just informed us that "some people feel like when Punto goes, the Twins go" then cites some stat about how the Twins win more often than they lose when Punto scores a run. You know, that stat would be true of just about ANYONE on the fucking team. If a player scores a run, his team is more likely to win than if he doesn't, correct? So the player's team is likely to have a winning record when the player scores if the team has a winning record for the entire season, correct? Am I missing something? No. I'm not I would like to some of the people who think "as the worst starter on our team goes, our team goes." Holy shit.

Punto grounds out to shortstop. Two down.

Attaboy Denard. Span singles up the middle. The Twins have a man on first with two out. Span should probably be running here.

On a 2-1 count, Span gets a GREAT jump and easily steals on a 77 MPH breaking ball. A base knock to the outfield would bring Span home.

And it will be up to Joe Mauer to bring Span home. Cabrera walks, giving Mauer men on first and second with two out.

Mauer singles to left. Span scores. The Twins take the lead. Cool beans.



I'm glad Mauer got a RBI today, if for no other reason than Mauer's RBI likely allowing us to avoid any "DURR MAUER'S A CHOKER DURR" columns from any soft-skulled local sportswriters.

Cuddy strikes out swinging. Three out, but the Twins have the lead heading to the 7th.

TOP OF THE SEVENTH:

Pitch counts through six: Pavano - 74; Pettitte - 75.

Ah, the "Yankees suck" chant. How I've missed that uncreative, yet amusing, chant.

Teixeira grounds out to shortstop. Harris is actually at shortstop because of he shift employed by the Twins, but the result is the same as if Cabrera were at shortstop. One out.

Cunt. Fucking cunt.


A-Rod homers to right. And as much as that sucks, I am pretty impressed, as I always am, at how effortless A-Rod makes it look. He looked like he just poked his bat at the ball and it went over the right field wall.

Pavano rebounds nicely, getting Matsui to strike out swinging. That's 9 strikeouts for Pavano. Two down.

Son of a whore.


Posada hits an opposite homer that barely, and I mean barely, gets over the left field wall. An athletic OF keeps that ball in the park.

Robinson Cano pops out to Mauer for the third out. Pavano's thrown 95 pitches through 7, and he's probably done for the evening. His final line: 7 IP, 5 H, 2 ER, 9 K, 0 BB. If that's his final outing in a Twins uniform - and it most likely is - Twins fans should be happy with what Pavano gave them for the last two months. He was a godsend to an injury-decimated rotation.

BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH:

Goddammit Kubel. Jason strikes out again. That's 8 in his last 13 at bats. One down, and Andy Pettitte's done for the evening. Joba will be coming on for the Yanks.

Oooooffff. That's a real kick in the balls. Delmon fouls a ball off the dirt, and it ricochets and hits him right in the jimmy. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR LOAFING TO FLY BALLS, FUCKHEAD.

Someone should punch Delmon in the nuts before every at bat. Delmon strokes the next pitch for a double in the right center field gap. The Twins have the tying run at second base with one out.

Crap. Harris lines a shot to third base, which A-Rod bobbles. But Rodriguez recovers in time to make the throw. Two down.

Inexplicably, Chip is praising Jeter for covering third base. Which he's supposed to do. Now Jeter gets praised for performing his job in the same manner exactly as every other SS in baseball would perform their job. This is why people HATE Derek Jeter. Well, that and the "he gave Jessica Alba herpes" thing.

Morales strikes out swinging and can't beat the throw to first on the ball in the dirt. That's three outs. The Twins have six outs left in their season.

TOP OF THE EIGHTH:

Matt Guerrier is on for the Twins.

Nick Swisher grounds out to shortstop. Chip and co. have a discussion on productive outs, and in the process they confuse correlation with causation. I don't feel like going into a mini-rant about the specifics, but needless to say: it was bad.

Guerrier gets Melky to flail at a third strike in the dirt. The ball gets by Mauer, but he's able to throw to first in time. Two down for Derek Jeter.

Jeter grounds out to shortstop. New York goes quietly in the eighth. The bottom of the order is due up for the Twins. Now would be a good time for someone to get PUNTOWNED again.

BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH:

Phil Hughes, who at one time was part of a package offered to the Twins for Johan Santana, comes on for New York.

PUNTOLICIOIUS.

J. Nicholas Punto III, Esq. doubles into the left field gap. Punto is largely worthless over the course of a 162 game season, but this series he's been one of the Twins' best hitters. Which may say more about the rest of the Twins lineup than Punto, but it's still a true statement. The Twins have the tying run at second with nobody out.

And, just like that, Punto undoes his prior good act.

Span hits a chopper up the middle that Jeter cuts off. Span probably would have beaten the throw, but Jeter doesn't throw to first. Because Punto takes too big of a turn around third. Punto's caught off third base, Jeter throws home, Posada relays the throw to third, and Punto's picked off. An epic gaffe from Dr. Punto.

The Twins now have Denard on first with Orlando Cabrera at the plate and one out. The Gardy facepalm, assuming their is one, will now probably be one of my favorite pictures of the week.

Cabrera pops out to center field. Mariano Rivera will come on to face Mauer. Span still sits on first.

Rivera breaks Mauer's bat. Mauer weakly grounds out to first. That's three down.

Question: did the third base coach waive Punto around to score? I didn't think so when the play happened, but, looking at where the third base coach was positioned, I'm not so sure anymore. If Punto was waived around to score, then he's absolved of blame. And Punto's normally a pretty smart player (head first slides aside), so I wouldn't be surprised if the coach did waive Punto around to score and it was Punto who put on the brakes.

TOP OF THE NINTH:

That's the replay I was looking for. Clearly, Punto did run through a stop sign. So scratch that last question. And fuck Punto. That was awful.

Ron Mahay's on for the Twins. He'll likely face Damon and Teixeira.

Mahay gets Damon to strike out swinging. One down.

Teixeira draws a walk on 7 pitches. New York will have a man on first and one out with A-Rod due up.

Jon Rauch is on for the Twins. I like Rauch, if for no other reason than you don't see a very tall man with the type of gut he has very often. The tats and scruffy beard make him awesome, too.

Nevermind. Fuck Rauch. He walks A-Rod. The Yanks have men on first and second. With one out, Hideki Matsui will come to the plate, and the Twins will bring on Jose Mijares to face Matsui.

You know, maybe the bottom of the ninth won't even be interesting. Mijares walks Matsui. The Twins will bring on Nathan with the hope he can get them out of a bases loaded, one out jam.

And that may do it.


Jorge Posada singles to right. Teixeira scores easily. The Yanks now have a two run cushion with Mariano on the hill.

And that's another tough break for Minnesota.


Cano bloops a single to right that Kubel can't come up with. Another RF, even Cuddy, probably catches that ball, but in this case it falls for a base hit. A-Rod comes around to score.

Nathan gets Swisher to strike out swinging. That's two down.

Like Swisher, Melky Cabrera goes down swinging. That may have been the final Twins pitch in the Metrodome. We'll head to the bottom of the 9th, with the Twins needing a big rally to keep their season alive.

BOTTOM OF THE NINTH:

Well, there's something. Cuddyer gets aboard via a softly hit single to right. The Twins have a man on first with Jason Kubel at the dish.

Kubel looks at a third strike on the outside corner. That would be, what, 9 Ks in his last 14 ABs?

Right after Kubel strikes out, a fan runs on the field and tries to climb over the fence. I've told AJR that he shouldn't wear the blue Twins jersey to games, because it makes him too recognizable. Apparently, he didn't listen.

I also enjoy how TBS doesn't show fans running on the field. I understand why they do this (don't want to encourage these jagoffs), but it's still amusing to me.

Delmon goes down on strikes, and he looks pretty feeble doing it. The amount of effort Young put in to that AB would be called a "union job" by one of my old coaches.

Harris grounds out to shortstop, and that will do it. New York completes the sweep.

The Twins will end this series having scored 6 runs in 3 games. 6 runs. Alot of blame will be placed on Nathan (and, if you're a person who lacks a fully functioning frontal lobe, the umpires), but the Twins have to look at their offense before they blame anyone else. The offense was pretty damn good all season, but it betrayed them in the postseason. Justin Morneau probably would have made some difference, but he wouldn't have been THE difference. Knowwhati'msayin?

Still, Minnesota has to be happy with their Twins. This wasn't the most talented team the Twins have had in the past few years, and they suffered some key injuries throughout the season. Yet they still were able to win the division and give their fans a memorable 163rd game and a home playoff game. Considering the talent level of the team, that's quite the accomplishment.

In the coming weeks, we'll take a closer look at where the Twins can be expected to go from here. We'll need their payroll parameters for next year first, but we do have some information on future contracts.

That'll be all for today. At least the Red Sox melted down in a hilariously painful fashion. Goodnight, Moon.

Twins-Yankees Game 2 Live Blog

Back with more around 3:30, when the lineups have been posted and I'm out of class.

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We got lineups:

Minnesota		New York
Denard Span	RF	Derek Jeter	SS
Orlando Cabrera	SS	Johnny Damon	LF
Joe Mauer	C	Mark Teixiera	1B
Jason Kubel	DH	Alex Rodriguez	3B
Michael Cuddyer	1B	Hideki Matsui	DH
Delmon Young	LF	Nick Swisher	RF
Carlos Gomez	CF	Robinson Cano	2B
Matt Tolbert	3B	Melky Cabrera	CF
Nick Punto	2B	Jose Molina	C
Nick Blackburn	SP	A.J. Burnett	SP

Carlos Gomez is in today's lineup, while Brendan Harris is coming off the bench. Gomez replaces Kubel in the field, and that's clearly a defensive upgrade for the Twins. But Nick Blackburn's on the hill, and he's a pretty extreme groundball pitcher, so Gomez's impact tonight might not be as great as if, say, Scott Baker was pitching. Then again, this is probably the best move the Twins could make, because they're much better defensively with Gomez in the field and Kubel as the DH, and Gomez and Harris both suck against righties.

We should also get this out of the way now: tonight is the Twins' best chance to win a game this series. Primarily because they're facing a RHP. As a whole, the Twins' lineup is pretty bad - or, at the least, very top-heavy. But they actually get even worse when facing LHP, which they'll face in games 3 and 4.

Mauer and Span still hit lefties well (strangely, Span's better against lefties than righties), and Cuddy's good against both lefties and righties. But Kubel turns into Carlos Gomez when facing LHP, as he's hit .243/.299/.345 against lefties this year while he's mashed righties to the tune of a 1.016 OPS. Against RHP, the Twins have 4 excellent hitters in the lineup, while against LHP, they only have 3.

A.J. Burnett's not exactly someone who's pitched well under pressure this year, either. And while Nick Blackburn may not be the perfect pitcher to beat the Yankees - he doesn't miss many bats, and against a Yankee team that has 8 players who can hit for power that can be a problem - but he's going to make N.Y.'s lineup work for their hits and not give them easy runs. Hopefully, Blackburn's able to keep the ball down in the strikezone and induce groundballs to what should be a strong defensive infield.

Oh, and Jose Molina's in the lineup too, meaning the #9 spot is a black hole for the Yanks. Unfortunately, Molina at catcher means Gomez's effectiveness on the basepaths is likely to suffer.

We'll get underway shortly. I promise not to comment on the Nobel Peace Prize "drama," and I'll try to keep criticism of Gardy to a minimum. Because while I'm often critical of Rodrick H. Gardenhire, I still think he's one of the better managers in baseball, and, outside of how he uses the #2 spot in the lineup, I don't have any MAJOR complaints about him that I wouldn't have about any other MLB manager.

I will not, however, refrain from criticizing announcers for phrases like "true Yankee" and/or other intangible bullshit that plays the result . That's half the fun of this exercise.

TOP OF THE FIRST:

Denard Span takes two strikes, one on a fastball and one on a slider, and then hits a soft line drive that Johnny Damon easily collects in LF. One out.

I'll say this now, because I don't know if I've said it before: I really like the PitchTrax box TBS has on the right side of the screen.

Orlando Cabrera weakly grounds to Derek Jeter, who maybe has to take two steps to his left. Cabrera's thrown out easily. Two outs.

Joe Mauer works a two out walk, with only one pitch really being close. Kubel will step up to the plate with a man on first and two out.

Kubel takes a pitch that's well off the plate then swings through a good looking fastball. After fouling the next pitch back, Kubel strikes out on a slider from Burnett. The Twins strand one runner.

BOTTOM OF THE FIRST:

Nick Blackburn's first two pitches miss low, but he gets Derek Jeter to ground out to Orlando Cabrera. One out.

Blackburn gets Damon to pop out to LF on five pitches. Two out, and Mark Teixiera comes to the plate.

Teixiera, who our TBS crew tells us was 6-6 off Blackburn coming into this game, harmlessly pops up to second. Blackburn gets out of the inning on 16 pitches. After one, we're scoreless.

TOP OF THE SECOND:

Michael Cuddyer leads off the second for Minnesota, and singles to right on a 1-2 count.

Despite the walk and the base hit, Burnett looks pretty good so far. He's getting very good movement on his breaking pitches, and he's doing a decent job of hitting his spots. When he's on, Burnett's one of the best pitchers in baseball, as his stuff has always been among MLB's best. The issue has always been his command. So far tonight, his command looks pretty solid, which is bad news for the Twins.

Delmon strikes out on a slider and looks pretty powerless doing so. Minnesota has one out and a runner on first for the immortal Carlos Gomez.

Gomez, who's never seen a pitch outside the strike zone he can't flail at, grounds out to SS. Cuddyer moves over to second base with two out.

And we're treated to our first reference of someone "having fun," as Chip Carey informs us that Gardy likes Gomez because of "how much fun he has playing." I like Gomez for different reasons - because of his defense and his afro - but I guess the conclusion is the same.

To nobody's surprise, Matt Tolbert grounds out weakly to the right side of the infield. The Twins strand a runner at second. Through two innings, Burnett's thrown 30 pitches.

BOTTOM OF THE SECOND:


On three pitches, Blackburn gets A-Rod to harmlessly pop out to first base.

Hideki Matsui steps to the plate, and Blackburn quickly falls behind in the count. He can't recover and Matsui draws the walk. N.Y. has a man on first with one out.

Nick Swisher, described as a "free spirit" who's "really changed the tone and tenor of the Yankee locker room," strikes out on a fastball at his nipples. Blackburn and the Twins have two out, with Matsui still at first base.

Robinson Cano hits one off the end of his bat, and it's scooped up by Blackburn, who throws to first in time to nab Cano. After two, we're scoreless.

TOP OF THE THIRD:

"Nick Punto gives you those skills you don't always see." Yes. Such as "sliding into first base" and "not hitting for power or getting on base."

Oh, and Nick Punto's the second best athlete on the team. Great. Fucking terrific. You know when that means something? If the Twins enter a goddamn decathlon.

Punto draws a walk. Good for him. The Twins have a man on first, nobody out, and they're back to the top of the lineup.

NO. DO NOT PLAY FUCKING SMALL BALL. The Twins are not winning this game 1-0. It's the third inning. Let your best hitters swing away. If Punto or Tolbert were up, then yes, sacrifice bunt. But not with Span or anyone at the top of the order.

Naturally, after my mini-rant Span nearly grounds into a double play. Span grounds out to Burnett, who goes to second with the ball, but the relay's not in time. The Twins have one out and a man on first.

Orlando Cabrera stings a ball to left, but Damon tracks it down. Span is nearly picked off first as well. Two out for the Twins, with Denard on first base.

This may be a good time to have Span run. If he's thrown out, then Mauer leads off the next inning, and nothing is really lost. Whereas if Span succeeds, he scores on a single.

Burnett gets Mauer to strike out looking on a back door slider. The Twins go quietly in their half of the third.

BOTTOM OF THE THIRD:


Blackburn gets Melky Cabrera and Jose Molina to ground out to third and second, respectively. Blackburn's cruising so far, as the Yankees haven't really had one hard-hit ball on him.

And just as I say that, Derek Jeter flies out to the warning track in center field. Still, the ball stayed in the park. Three outs, and we're still scoreless.

TOP OF THE FOURTH:

Important note: A.J. Burnett may have Jacory Harris-like side etchings in his hair. If he does....I may have to start rooting for the Yankees. I can't root against anyone with side etchings, especially if they're white.

Jason Kubel strikes out swinging, and looks very bad doing so. Cuddyer weakly pops out to first base, and just like that the Twins have two out.

WOO DELMON THATTA BOY. Delmon Young gets hit by a pitch.

And Gomez follows by getting hit by a pitch. Gomez takes one on the hand, and he's in pain, but he'll shake it off. Minnesota has two men on with two out.

Tolbert singles to right...but....Jesus H. Christ. Carlos fucking Gomez. Nick Swisher throws behind Gomez, who's rounding second, and Derek Jeter applies the tag on Gomez before Delmon Young is able to score. Gomez could have hung on long enough to let the run score had he kept running to third, and Young could have plated the run had he not loafed around third. But neither of them did, so the game remains scoreless.

BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH:

On replay, Young is shown to have not been loafing. I apologize to Delmon. Instead, it's just a dumbshit play from Gomez.

Johnny Damon grounds out to second for the first out. Blackburn again gets Teixiera, who I remind you was 6-6 off Blackburn entering the day, to pop out to shallow right...although Nick Punto inexplicably ends up making the play. Two up and two down for the Yanks.

And Alex Rodriguez grounds out softly to first. Blackburn has retired the last 7 batters. After 4, we're still scoreless.

TOP OF THE FIFTH:

Pitch counts entering in the inning: Blackburn - 56; Burnett - 52.

Nick Punto takes the first two pitches of his at bat, but then strikes out looking on a back door slider. One out.

Denard Span comes to the plate with one out and nobody on base, and he immediately falls behind 0-2. Span works two balls out of Burnett, but grounds out weakly to first. Two out.

Nice at bat from Orlando Cabrera, who draws a six pitch walk. Joe Mauer comes to the plate with two out and a man on first base.

Mauer works the count to 3-0 and walks on five pitches. Jason Kubel, who's already struck out 4 times in the series, comes to the plate with two out and men on first and second.

Fucking Kubel. Jason grounds out softly to second base, and the Twins strand another two runners. We're still scoreless.

BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH:

And it's confirmed: Burnett has side etchings and is milking a huge dip. Both of which are awesome. I hope A.J. is very successful at his chosen profession.

Nick Blackburn strikes out Hideki Matsui on five pitches, and looks awesome doing it. Blackburn's really looked great tonight.

Blackburn runs the count to 0-2 on Nick Swisher, and Swisher grounds out softly to Blackburn. Two outs and nobody on base for Robinson Cano.

Cano singles on a line drive to center, which breaks up the no-hitter that I hadn't been mentioning because some people who aren't me believe in jinxes and other shit that doesn't exist. Cano's on first with two outs and Melky Cabrera at the plate.

Attaboy, Nick. Blackburn gets Melky Cabrera swinging on a breaking ball. We're scoreless through five.

TOP OF THE SIXTH:

On the first pitch of his at bat, Cuddy grounds out to first. My HS baseball coach used to tell us that batting average on first pitches was .188, so we shouldn't swing at the first pitch. I'm not sure if this was actually true, but whenever someone makes an out on the first pitch, I think of my HS coach yelling ".188!" at someone who swung at the first pitch and made an out.

Delmon Young works a walk, and A.J.'s up to five walks. But, if anything, he's been what one would call "effectively wild," as the Twins haven't really had any hard hit balls off him yet.

Remember, Burnett is the guy who threw a no hitter while walking nine men and hitting a batter. Just because he's putting runners on base via walk doesn't mean he's going to give up a ton of runs.

Gomez strikes out swinging on a slider inside, but Delmon Young steals second on the swinging strike. With two out, Matt Tolbert comes to the plate with Delmon Young on second.

Wait: Brendan Harris is hitting for Matt Tolbert. Why? That doesn't make a goddamn bit of sense. Harris doesn't hit righties well and Tolbert singled in his last at bat against Burnett. Why not stick with the lefty-righty matchup?

And that's why Gardy didn't stick with the lefty-righty matchup. Brendan Harris triples to left center, giving the Twins a 1-0 lead. Inexplicably. The numbers still favored Tolbert over Harris, but hey, they'll take it.



Punto grounds out, and that's the inning. With the Twins leading 1-0, we head to the bottom of the sixth.

BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH:

Jorge Posada comes off the bench to pinch hit for Jose Molina. Burnett's thrown 95 pitches, so maybe this means he's done, too.

Oh, that was close. Posada flies out to the warning track in left center, but Gomez tracks it down. One out.

After Brendan Harris makes what was a very smart play by fielding a dribbler while it's foul, Captain Yankee hits a ball to center field that goes over the head of Gomez and into the bullpen for a ground rule double. The Yanks have a man on second with one out and Johnny Damon at the plate.

Oh, shit. Damon narrowly misses what would have been an extra base hit down the right field line. Blackburn narrowly misses on a 2-2 fastball up in the zone. But after working the count to 3-2, Damon draws a walk. Rick Anderson will come out to calm down Nick Blackburn.

Blackburn needs to be really careful here. Just keep the ball down in the zone and throw strikes. If the Yanks are going to beat you, make them hit the ball - don't give them free passes. You can't afford to walk people against the Yanks.

FUCKING SHIT, THAT WAS CLOSE. On a 2-0 count, Blackburn leaves a ball up and Teixiera narrowly misses a three run home run, as he pulls it just foul of the right field foul pole.

And Blackburn gets Teixiera to pop up to shallow left. Great job by Blackburn to come back from a 2-0 count and get Teixiera for the second out.

Alex Rodriguez comes to the plate with two men on and two out. Hoo boy. A weak groundout would be nice, if for no other reason than to see dipshits in the N.Y. media once again call A-Rod a choker who should be traded.

A-Rod lines a base hit between shortstop and third base. A fine piece of hitting. Jeter, running on contact, comes around to score without much of a throw from Delmon. Nick Blackburn exits the game after 92 pitches.



Coming in to pitch for Minnesota: Lefty Ron Mahay, who'll face the lefty Hideki Matsui.

Mahay does his job, getting Matsui to ground out weakly to first base. At the end of six, we're tied at 1.

TOP OF THE SEVENTH:


Joba Chamberlain comes on for the Yanks, and in a battle of the bullpen, New York has to like their chances.

Denard Span and Orlando Cabrera both ground out to the left side of the infield. Joe Mauer comes up with nobody on and two out.

And with two outs, Mauer singles on a hard hit ball up the middle. Surprisingly, that will be all for Joba. Not sure I understand that move from Girardi - Chamberlain would have a day to rest, so there's no harm in letting him finish out the inning. But okay, Joe.

Lefty Phil Coke comes on for the Yankees. I again remind you of Kubel's drastic splits and how he essentially turns into Carlos Gomez against LHP. So, actually, bringing in Coke is a smart move by Girardi.

Also, we now get clarification that Tolbert left the game due to an injured back. Presumably, Gardy didn't lift Tolbert because he thought Harris was a better option against Burnett, but because Tolbert was hurt. Which makes much more sense.

And Kubel strikes out. Again. Chip Carey informs us the Twins have stranded a runner in EVERY INNING of this game. That's not a recipe for success.

BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH:

Jon Rauch comes into the game for Minnesota, and he'll start the inning with Nick Swisher.

Swisher hits the ball hard, but it's right at Nick Punto. Punto throws to first well in time, and the Twins have one out.

Cano also hits the ball hard, but, this time, Denard Span tracks the ball down in right field. Two out with nobody on and Melky Cabrera coming to the plate.

And Rauch closes out the inning by getting Melky Cabrera to line out to left. Nice work from Rauch, and we head to the top of the eighth.

TOP OF THE EIGHTH:

Phil Hughes comes on for the Yanks. Cuddyer, Young, and Gomez are due up for the Twins.

Ah. Balls. Cuddy pops up to shallow right. One out for Delmon.

Delmon strikes out on a slider that dives away from him. Two outs for Koo-Koo Gomez.

Gomez does a great job working the count to 3-2 and eventually draws the walk. Gomez is aboard with two outs. And now would be a great time to have Gomez attempt to steal in order to get into scoring position. There's two outs, a righty is on the hill, and Jorge Posada is behind the plate. Make a run for it, Carlos.

Gomez takes off running and Harris slaps an outside fastball for a single to right field. Gomez takes third, and Minnesota has runners at the corners with two outs. Harris is 2-2 today and has done a great job coming off the bench for the injured Tolbert.

Nick Punto comes to the plate with two men on and two out. Nick Punto as the hero would be kind of fun, like David Eckstein as the World Series MVP was kind of fun. And by kind of, I mean not at all.

GAHAHAHAHA PUNTOWNED. Nick fucking Punto singles to center field, Gomez scores, and the Twins have the lead.


Phil Hughes is done for the evening; after giving up a possible GW hit to Nick Punto, he's lucky he wasn't given the same treatment as a race horse who breaks his leg during a race. Mariano Rivera will come on for the Yankees.

Hey now, Denard Span coming up huge. Span fists a ball up the middle, and it's hit softly enough that Brendan Harris comes around easily.

Orlando Cabrera comes to the plate with two on and two out. Cabrera strikes out swinging, but the Twins head to the bottom of the eighth with a 3-1 lead.

BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH:

Of course, Chip has reminded us of all the times the Yanks have come back against the Twins this year. Thanks, dickwad.

Matt Guerrier comes on for the Twins. He'll face Posada, Jeter, and Damon this inning.

Oooooh nice pitch from Guerrier. Posada strikes out on a backdoor curveball from Guerrier. One down for Derek Jeter.

Wow. Brendan Harris saves an extra base hit, as he makes a diving stop on a hard hit ball down the third base line. Harris, 2-2 with a 3B, an RBI, and a web gem, has been the star of tonight's game for the Twins. Two out and nobody on for Johnny Damon.

Damon breaks his bat on a groundout to second. That's the inning. We head to the ninth with the Twins holding a 3-1 lead.

TOP OF THE NINTH:

If someone threw me out of a party for not bringing avocados, I'd punch them in the dick. Avocados taste worse than the Holocaust.

Mauer, Kubel, and Cuddyer are due up this inning. They'll face Mariano Rivera, who stays on for the ninth.

Mauer goes down swinging. Kubel, who already's won a golden sombrero tonight, strikes out AGAIN. Kubes is 0-9 with 6 K's in the series.

Cuddyer bloops a single to right, which probably won't do much more than give Joe Nathan more time to warm up. But, hey, maybe Delmon will make something happen.

Delmon pushes a softly hit ball to right field, but Swisher makes a sliding catch for the third out. Joe Nathan will come on with the chance to close out the game and even up the series.

BOTTOM OF THE NINTH:

Nathan will face Teixiera, A-Rod, and Matsui in the ninth. He'll have to work for this save.

Motherfucker. Teixiera ropes a single to right on a 1-1 pitch. With nobody out, the tying run will come to the plate.

Nathan runs the count to 3-0 on Rodriguez. He's relying on his breaking ball, and he's thrown one in the dirt and badly missed with the other two. He seems to be nibbling and not trusting his stuff.

Nathan comes back with a strike at the knees just as Chip AGAIN reminds us of the Yanks' 3 consecutive walk off wins over the Twins last may.

Shit. Of all fucking people. It couldn't have been someone likeable, like, say, Nick Swisher?



A-Rod hits a no-doubt homer to center field on a 3-1 pitch. We're tied at 3 with nobody out. Hideki Matsui is due up.

Nathan leaves a curveball up, but Matsui harmlessly pops out to shortstop. One out, with nobody on base.

Nathan is laboring. He's not throwing his fastball much, instead choosing to attack the Yankee hitters with his breaking stuff. This isn't the best strategy against a Yankee team that walks alot and doesn't chase pitches outside the strike zone.

HOLY FUCK. Nick Swisher hits a ball pretty goddamn hard, but Gomez tracks it down at the warning track. Another 10 feet and it's game over. Two out, nobody on, and Robinson Cano is due up.

Cano grounds out to shortstop. Nathan's out of the inning, but the damage is done. We're all tied up and headed to extras.

TOP OF THE TENTH:

Alfredo Aveces is on for the Yanks, and he'll face the bottom of the order for Minnesota.

Gomez tries to get on via bunting. It doesn't work, and Gomez ends up striking out looking on a curveball outside. One out for Brendan Harris, who's been Minnesota's most effective hitter tonight.

Harris again hits the ball reasonably hard, but Melky Cabrera glides under it in center field. Two out and nobody on for PUNTOWNED.

Nice at bat from Nicholas L.M. Punto IV. He draws a six pitch walk, and Denard Span will come to the plate with two out and Punto on first. Punto could, and probably should, be running here.

MY MAN. Denard Span strokes a single to right; Punto was running on the 3-2 pitch, and he makes it to third. The Twins have runners at the corners with two out. Orlando Cabrera will be charged with bringing in the go-ahead run.

Well, that was disappointing. Cabrera weakly flies out to right. We'll head to the bottom of the tenth with the score knotted at 3.

BOTTOM OF THE TENTH:

Nathan will stay in for the Twins. He'll face Melky, Posada, and Jeter.

Oh, wow. Nice play by Orlando Cabrera. Melky hit a hot shot to SS, and the ball took a nasty late hop, but Cabrera kept the ball in front of him and fielded it relatively cleanly and in time to throw out Melky. One down.

Ah, that's gayer than Kordell Stewart. Posada hits a broken bat bloop shot that falls in front of Carlos Gomez. Brett Gardner will pinch run for Posada, meaning two things: 1). Gardner's probably going to be on the move and 2). Francisco Cervelli will catch the rest of the game for N.Y.

Gardner takes second base on a 1-1 count. Mauer's throw was high, but he had no chance to throw out Gardner. That's on Nathan, who did a shitty job holding Gardner; with the jump Gardner had, no catcher was throwing him out.

Goddamn. When Joe Nathan melts down, Joe Nathan MELTS DOWN. Even Brad Lidge thinks this is a bit excessive.

Nathan tries to pick off Gardner at second, but throws the ball into center field. The throw was nowhere close to the bag. Gardner advances to third, and the Twins will intentionally walk Jeter to set up the double play. New York will have runners at the corner with one out and Johnny Damon coming to hit.

Lefty Jose Mijares will come on to face Damon and Mark Teixiera.

Damon works the count to 3-2 and...hey. THAT WAS FUCKING NICE.

Damon hits a lined shot up the middle, but it's caught by Orlando Cabrera. Brett Gardner ran on contact and he's doubled off third. The Twins escape the 10th without losing. We'll head to the 11th, still tied at 3.

TOP OF THE ELEVENTH:

I refuse to believe that "Francisco Cervelli" is the real name of a real person. That has to be a fictional, highly stereotypical name of a middle-aged Italian immigrant short-order cook in an HBO special.

The Twins will have Mauer, Kubel, and Cuddy due up this inning. Damaso Marte, who, to be generous, sucks, will come on for the Yankees. If the Twins are going to take the lead, now is the time.

Well, Mauer just got fucked. Joe slices a ball down the line, and it's clearly fair and should be ruled a double, but the ump misses the call and rules it foul. Balls.

Of course, the erroneous (on all counts) call doesn't phase Mauer one bit. Joe singles up the middle. The Twins have a man on first and nobody out for Jason Kubel, who's looking to avoid striking out for the fifth time this game.

And avoid striking out for a fifth time he does. Kubel sharply singles to right, giving the Twins men on first and second with nobody out. Damaso Marte will depart for the evening, and he leaves to a chorus of boos.

David Robertson, who sounds like a deputy on a cop procedural, will come on for the Yanks. Michael Cuddyer will have a chance to give the Twins the lead.

CUDDY! Cuddyer singles up the middle, but hits the ball too hard for Mauer to score. The Twins have the bases loaded with nobody out. Yankee Stadium is awfully quiet.

Damn. Delmon stings the ball toward the first base line, but it's right at Mark Teixiera. One out. Koo-Koo will come to the plate.

Gomez, like Young, swings at the first pitch (why?) and grounds to the right side. Teixiera comes home for the force out. Two down for Brendan Harris, who, again, has hit the ball well tonight.

Harris doesn't swing at the first pitch. LORDY, IT'S A MIRACLE.

Motherfucking fuckitty fuck. Harris hits a lazy fly ball to center field, which Gardner is able to drift under and put away. Minnesota strands another three runners, bringing their total for the night to 17 left on base.

BOTTOM OF THE ELEVENTH:

Jose Mijares will stay on for the Twins. He'll face Teixiera and probably depart after that.

Well, it looks like we'll all depart after that.


On the fourth pitch of the at bat, Teixiera drills a line drive down the left field line, and the ball glances off the top of the wall and is ruled a home run. One foot lower and that's a double. But it had just enough, and the Yanks will walk this off.

After another walk-off loss in New York, Minnesota limps home down 2-0. Carl Pavano will face Andy Pettitte on Sunday. Pavano will be tasked with keeping the Twins' season alive long enough for AJR to attend a playoff game.

Come back Sunday at 3:30; we'll be live blogging Game 3. Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

BtC: You're Just Waiting For the Twins Game Anyway

Shit You Learned From the National Pundits This Week:

Braylon Edwards is going to put the Jets over the top

Braylon Edwards was terrible last year. Just Awful. Attitude problems. Dropping the ball like it’s an unwanted bastard child. Posing for suggestive pictures. Edwards was a trainwreck both on and off the field, and he wasn’t looking much better this year.

Does leaving Cleveland improve his attitude? Maybe. But does leaving Cleveland suddenly improve his hands? Doubtful. Although leaving a shithole organization helped Randy Moss; when he went from Oakland to New England, Moss rediscovered how to catch the ball and stopped being lazy, so I can’t completely discount the possibility Edwards turns into an elite WR again.

The Broncos are the worst 4-0 team of all time.

I’ve been as hard on Denver as anyone, even going so far as comparing their playoff chances to the chances of another 9/11. And I did that with good reason. Josh McDaniels is a dick, Brandon Marshall is a dumbshit wifebeater, their fans do gay “In-com-plete” cheers, and that John Denver is full of shit.

But saying Denver is the worst 4-0 team of all time - like it’s a bad thing - is kind of ridiculous. They’re still 4-0, meaning they can probably play .500 football the rest of the way and make the playoffs, and there’s at least some indication their defense is legit. If nothing else, Josh McDaniels has kinda sorta redeemed himself for all the offseason tomfoolery. And they won’t be giving up a top 5 pick to Seattle.

Do I see them making the playoffs? Eh, it’s kinda dicey. But they don’t suck.

Tennessee still has the weapons to make a run.

After last week’s dismantling at the hands of Jacksonville, I think we can put this theory to rest.

Kerry Collins looks like he’s hit a wall, and the defense hasn’t recovered from the loss of Albert Haynesworth. Tennessee might finish with 5-6 wins this year, but next year they’ll probably be set up to ride a weak 2010 schedule into another surprising run at the AFC South.

Matt Cassel was a poor investment.

Yeah, I’m not buying this yet. Cassel’s had, what, 3 games in Kansas City? And he has zero time to throw. And Todd Haley is a fucking prick. And Dwayne Bowe hasn’t been healthy. It’s a little early to write him off, WHITLOCK.

Give Cassel a decent offensive line and some weapons at WR, and he’ll make plays and lead a team to the playoffs. Of course, you can say that about a lot of NFL QBs, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a true statement.

Eric Mangini Gives The Browns Hope

I shit you not, that column was actually written. And, to nobody’s surprise, it was written by our old buddy Gregg Doyel, who you may remember from such pieces as “Vince Young is a pussy for having depression and not loving football.” My favorite part of that column? The introduction of "can we be real here?" Yeah, let's be real. Mad real.

In his Mangini piece, Doyel’s “thesis,” if you can call it that, seems to be that Mangini sending Braylon Edwards packing after someone in Edwards’ entourage punched someone in LeBron’s entourage is a reason for hope. Even though Doyel acknowledges in the column that Mangini’s players hate him. Doyel then says that NFL players are attention whores and that, while they may all still hate Mangini, trading Edwards, who may be Cleveland’s most talented skill position player, will resonate positively with them. Except Doyel then says that everything else Mangini does is wrong.

I love that this guy gets paid money to write this stuff. I didn’t realize one of the Make A Wish foundation's “dying wish” options was “columnist for CBS Sportsline.”

The Patriots Are Back.

Not yet, they aren’t.

The Falcons are kind of overrated, now that they have no run defense, thanks to Peira Jerry’s injury. New England’s home victory over Atlanta wasn’t all that impressive.

But beating the Ravens was impressive. Because the Ravens are really good.

That said, is the victory over the Ravens any more indicative of what type of team the Pats have than a narrow win over Buffalo or a loss to the Jets? No. It is not.


The Bengals May Push For The AFC North Title

Yeah…no. Cincinnati isn’t nearly as good as Baltimore, as this weekend will show us. They’re probably not any better than a 9 win team.

But the Bengals’ young defense is undoubtedly improved, and they’ll be a fun team to watch down the stretch. If they catch a couple breaks, Cincinnati could end up in the postseason. Which would be great, if for no other reason than to see how Ocho handles the situation.

Jamarcus Russell Is Already A Bust

This I can get behind. He’s fat. He’s lazy. He’s stupid. He’s inaccurate. But he can throw the ball like 80 yards, so he’ll have a job in the NFL for the next three years, at the least.

Sneaky Pete’s Is For Steakheads

Actually, you learned that from some douchebag who you may recognize as appearing in the “column” of a national “pundit” (construing column and pundit liberally). However, the point made by that douchebag emailer remains valid, as anyone who's ever been to Sneaky Pete's can tell you.

Regionally Televised Games this Week:

DETROIT (+10.5) over Pittsburgh

You know what would be great? Keeping the Lions off television outside of the state of Michigan.

The half point here sways me to take Detroit. Even without Willie Parker, Pittsburgh should win pretty easily.

Detroit may be able to throw the ball reasonably well – the Lions kind of have an underrated offense, or at least underrated as in they aren’t one of the NFL’s worst – but Detroit’s defense is still putrid. Rashard Mendenhall shouldn’t have much trouble topping 100 yards again, and Ben Roethlisberger should continue his career year.

Maybe the secret to having a career year is a rape allegation. It’s worked for Ben, and in the past it kind of worked for Kobe. So: HEY, TRENT EDWARDS: GET OUT THERE AND FORCIBLY PENETRATE SOMEONE.

Minnesota (-10) over ST. LOUIS

St. Louis has a shitty offensive line, and they’re taking on the Vikings’ pass rush. We saw how well that worked out last Monday Night. Even worse, St. Louis starts Kyle Boller at QB. Hard to believe he’s able to make plays like Aaron Rodgers did, although he may get the ball out quicker than Rodgers.

Defensively, the Rams just gave up 35 points to the 49ers. And the Vikes offense is so much better than the 49ers. Adrian Peterson’s running the ball pretty damn well, and, right now, Brett Favre is one of the NFL’s better QBs.

I still hope Favre dies in a violent boating accident, but the man’s playing good football.

New England (-3) over DENVER

I gave Denver some credit earlier, but with all that said: New England’s better. Probably much better.

Tom Brady’s played better in the last two games after a disappointing first start to the season. The Pats should be able to score on Denver’s improved defense, even without Fred Taylor. New England’s defense isn’t great, but it’s good enough to limit Kyle Orton.

Indianapolis (-3.5) over TENNESSEE

Kerry Collins has been awful, yet he’s still not even on the verge of being benched. Which says a lot about how the Tennessee organization feels about Vince Young. Good contract to Kerry in the offseason, by the way. If not for the Jake Delhomme contract, the Kerry Collins extension would be the worst contract given to any QB last offseason.

Meanwhile, the Colts actually seem to have a decent defense this year, which should turn them from a playoff-but-not-Super-Bowl contender into a serious threat to win it all. Offensively, Peyton Manning still throws the ball as well as anyone in the NFL, and Joseph Addai and Donald Brown form a pretty potent running game.

The Colts aren’t particularly exciting, but they’re solid all around and have enough to win in Tennessee against a Titans team that could be an excellent candidate to mail in the season after week 8.

MIAMI (+2) over N.Y. Jets

Miami’s blowout win over Buffalo doesn’t make them good – hey, if I beat up a cancer patient, I wouldn’t suddenly be a badass – but they weren’t as bad as their 0-3 record to begin with. They’ll probably struggle to score against a pretty good Jet defense, but the Jets don’t have the passing game to exploit Miami’s biggest weakness – their pass defense.

If Braylon Edwards were ready to contribute, I’d be more inclined to believe N.Y. could throw the ball well enough to cover. The Jets may squeak out a win, but the points are too tempting.

One-Liners:

KANSAS CITY (+8.5) over Dallas. What’s the over-under on “games before Wade is shitcanned”? 4.5?

Washington (+3.5) over CAROLINA. As bad as the Redskins are, Carolina has, so far, been one of the league’s 5 worst teams.

Tampa Bay (+15) over PHILADELPHIA. For the rest of the season, any time the line is 14 points or more, I’m taking the underdog.

Oakland (+15.5) over NEW YORK GIANTS. Although, I have to say, this made me immediately rethink my “always take the underdog in lines that are 14 points or greater” strategy.

Cleveland (+6) over BUFFALO. Buffalo’s defense and offensive line are still injury riddled; so long as that’s the case, I’ll take anyone who’s getting points against them.

Cincinnati (+8.5) over BALTIMORE. Even though I rained on their parade a bit earlier, I still wouldn’t give the Bengals 8.5 points against any AFC team, save for maybe the Colts.

Atlanta (+2.5) over SAN FRANCISCO. If these teams switched divisions, the Falcons would finish the year 12-4, while the 49ers would probably finish around 8-8.

Houston (+5.5) over ARIZONA. If nothing else, this game should have enough points to make it a high scoring affair you forget about the moment after it ends.

Jacksonville (+1) over SEATTLE. Jacksonville’s pass rush is going to cost them a playoff berth, but they’re good enough to win here.

Presumptive Super Bowl Matchup:

AFC Championship: Indianapolis over N.Y. Jets

NFC Championship: N.Y. Giants over Minnesota

Super Bowl XLIV: N.Y. Giants over Indianapolis

Fake Mailbag Question of the Week

Q: Hey, dmk: Do the NFL’s best teams reside in the NFC?

A: Yes, fake emailer. They do.

For the first time in a long time, the NFC seems to have the cream of the NFL crop, and this January, the NFC playoffs will be much more intriguing than the AFC playoffs. The Giants, Vikings, and Saints are three of the top four teams in the NFL, and the Eagles and Falcons are as good as any of the non-Indianapolis and (maybe) Baltimore teams in the AFC. And the Bears and 49ers would probably win the AFC West without much difficulty.

Ill-Advised Fantasy Advice of the Week:

If you need a bye week fill-in, Matt Cassel and Seneca Wallace or Matt Hasselbeck (whoever starts for Seattle) are solid options.

Cassel faces a Dallas defense that’s struggled against the pass, and he’ll probably throw a lot, because the Chiefs will likely be playing catch-up most of the afternoon. Dwayne Bowe should be fully healed by this week, too. Cassel may not rack up touchdowns, but he’ll post good yardage totals with around 2 TDs.

Wallace (or Hasselbeck) faces a Jaguars defense that’s not awful in the secondary but has the league’s worst pass rush. Wallace should have time to throw and be able to make plays with his legs. If Matt Hasselbeck ends up being healthy enough to play, he still should have enough time in the pocket to hit T.J. Houshmandzadeh and John Carlson downfield.

Shit That Will Piss You Off This Week:

Any and all mentions during Monday Night Football of the Rex Ryan-Channing Crowder feud.

Basically, Channing Crowder’s learning about disrespect from Joey Porter. Crowder’s on the verge of becoming just as big of a fucking douchebag as Porter, and turning into the type of person who takes anything that’s not clearly complimentary of him as a slight worthy of an outburst. It’s fucking annoying. These jackasses can’t seem to understand that not EVERYTHING said about you is a sign of disrespect. Crowder went to UF, though, so his thick skull shouldn’t be much of a surprise.

Also, when he was at Florida, Channing Crowder once threw a full keg on a kid who was lying on the floor. I saw a picture of the aftermath and heard about it from people who were at the party. The kid did not die, but Crowder did solidify his place as an asshole.

Retarded Prediction of the Week:

If the Saints get past the Giants, they’ll make a run at an undefeated season. Look at New Orleans’ remaining schedule. After the Giants game, how many of those games are daunting? Their toughest opponent is New England, and they get the Pats at home. I suppose traveling to Atlanta could be tough, too, but Atlanta’s defense is so bad that it’s hard to imagine the Saints scoring less than 30 points on them.

New York seems like the most likely team to knock off the Saints; if the Giants don’t, New Orleans has a legit chance to run the table. And I’ll be the first to say: go Saints. Please go undefeated and send Mercury Morris back into a coke-related binge that leads to an another arrest for trafficking blow.

Unlike Patriot fans, Saints fans aren’t douchebags who’ll ruin everyone’s life for the next 50 years if their favorite team goes undefeated. We can all get behind the idea of Drew Brees and company finishing without a loss and instantly making all their fans forget about Katrina. Especially because it will make the Dolphins fucking miserable.

(The Twins-Yankees live blog should be up around 1 P.M., and will be updated as lineups are posted)

F-ck It, We'll Do It Live: Upcoming Twins-Yanks Live Blog

Yes, last night sucked (and not just because your Mom wouldn't take my credit card). No, the Twins' loss wasn't surprising. I mean, were you REALLY shocked that C.C. Sabathia (who did struggle early) would outpitch Brian Duensing, and that the Twins wouldn't be able to make up the difference against New York's bullpen? No, you were not, unless you're more of a blind homer than Helen Keller.

But Friday's a new day. As are all 365 days of the year. But Friday's not just a new day, it's a special day. And not special like special ed, or Special K, but real special. Because we'll be live-blogging the second game of the Twins-Yankees series.

A.J. Burnett, who I actually like because of his time with the Marlins (I'll have some fun Burnett stories for you) goes against Nick Blackburn. It's a much more favorable pitching matchup for the Twins than yesterday's Sabathia-Duensing contest. Now, does that mean the Twins'll win? Probably not. But there's a chance.



So come watch the game with us. Sure, it's not a must win, no matter what some jagoff from KFAN will tell you, but it's still an important game. And while we can't offer you any real "intelligence" or "insight" or "entertainment" or "humor," spending time here will still be more fun than watching the game at Happy Hour with a bunch of people from work who you secretly hope fall throat-first onto a fully operating sabre saw.

All other columns should run as scheduled. See you Friday.

Nothing Else Matters

Not two losses to Oakland.

Not a meltdown against the White Sux.

Not even a man thrown out at home (Casilla) or a missed cut off man (Delmon) in tonight's game.

The 2009 Twins are in the playoffs and once again the Metrodome lives to see more baseball.

I THOUGHT THSI WAS AMERCIA!!

Well its the bottom of the sixth in the last regular season game at the Metrodome and Kubel just hit a solo shot off of 20 year old Porcello, who has been pitching like a man. However, he will almost surely come out after this inning since it appeared Jimmy Leland nearly pulled him in the 3rd. I just wanted to point out that Randy Marsh is umpiring.

This Week In Jacory Is Awesome

via

The other side of Jacory's haircut for the Oklahoma game:


Yes, that says "swag," making his complete haircut say "U Swag." Okay!


Harris also decided to rep Jay-Z's record label on his eye black, presumably because he's hoping Jay-Z takes note of Harris' alter-ego, the rapper J-12.


For a frame of reference, here's Jacory's hair before the Georgia Tech game, when he first debuted the side etchings. Note the "Be Cool" sunglasses as well.

Here's a picture of his delightfully ridiculous scarf/watch/glasses combo he wore before the FSU game:


most pics via

Finally, Harris gave us this quote about how Miami was handling the hype surrounding them:

Miami recently had new TVs installed in its locker room, and the majority of the time, ESPN is on. No more. Shannon said Harris declared only SpongeBob will tell the Canes how good they are.

“Sometimes (it’s) too much,” Harris said. “You don’t want to walk into the locker room and hear ‘Oh, the swagger is back at the University of Miami.’ You’re gonna stop and watch it. So now we’re just going to change the channel, watch 48 hours, some SpongeBob, things of that nature.”

and

The Miami Hurricanes' locker room at Land Shark Stadium was recently equipped with new televisions.

Although it's home to a football team, don't expect to hear any words such as a "touchdown" or "sack" on the monitor. The Hurricanes have adopted a policy where no one is allowed to watch anything football-related, and it played a role in their 21-20 upset of No. 8 Oklahoma Saturday night.

"[Quarterback] Jacory (Harris) called up everybody up and said, "The only thing anybody's going to watch on TV from now on is Sponge Bob,"' UM coach Randy Shannon said. "We ain't watching ESPN, we ain't watching CBS, we ain't watching ABC. If Sponge Bob can tell you how good you are, then you deserve it. I 'm just letting you know that's the kind of team we have now."

via

In other "news," AJR will probably be back sometime tomorrow to tell you about how he was on ESPN last night. I've already talked to him about it, so my only comment is: GIVE ME BACK MY RANDY MOSS JERSEY, YOU FUCK.

Oh, and go Twins (I guess. Whatever.). Beat the Tigers like Miguel Cabrera beats his wife.

BtC: Oh. Great. THIS Game Is Here.

Shit You Learned From The National Pundits This Week:

The Giants, Ravens, Colts, Jets, Vikings, Saints are all locks for the playoffs.

All six of those teams are 3-0, (As are the Broncos, but nobody actually believes in them), meaning everyone's all over their collective dicks. Pundits conveniently forget that a hot start does NOT guarantee a playoff berth, and the odds are that at least two teams from the above group will miss the playoffs. For example, in 2008 Buffalo, Dallas, and Denver started the season 3-0, and all three missed the playoffs.

Trying to determine which team will ultimately miss the playoffs is pretty tough this early, especially when a few of these teams (Giants, Colts, Saints) are one key injury away from turning into a losing squad. One way to try whittling down the list, in order to determine who's most likely to miss the playoffs, is to look at future schedules.

Based on the weakness of their upcoming schedules, the Saints, Jets, and Vikings all look like safe bets to make the playoffs. New Orleans has arguably the league's easiest schedule the rest of the season, and the Jets and Vikings have relatively smooth paths to the playoffs. Baltimore and Indianapolis are face fairly tough roads ahead, while the Giants have a brutal upcoming schedule. But the rest of the NFC East has nearly as difficult of a road, so the Giants will probably be able to hold off the Cowboys and Redskins, at the least, and claim a Wild Card, if not the division.

Based on past history, you can also anticipate at least one 1-2 team to make the playoffs. In fact, two will probably qualify. Pittsburgh’s the first obvious choice among the 1-2 teams, but also take a look at Arizona and Jacksonville. Both have already run through the toughest parts of their schedules and play in weak divisions. One of them may make a run at a division title, or, at the least, a Wild Card berth.

The Cardinals are screwed.

False. Very false. They play in a weak division and have one of the league’s easiest schedules the rest of the season. They may not make the playoffs, but their season isn’t toast yet.

Kevin Kolb is a future star.

Kevin Kolb threw for over 300 yards in both of his starts. Kevin Kolb’s starts came against the Saints and Chiefs. Color me skeptical.

Something’s wrong with Pittsburgh.

True, but to a point. Pittsburgh wasn't a dominant team a year ago - they were a pretty good team that got hot at the right time. This year, they're again a pretty good team, but one with a few glaring weaknesses (offensive line, secondary so long as Troy Polamalu is out). They just have to hope Polamalu comes back healthy and they peak at the end of the season again.

Joe Flacco is the NFL’s next great QB.

Beh…maybe. Flacco’s looked very good, but, again, we have to consider the quality of opponent he’s faced (do I say that enough?). There’s solid reason to believe Flacco will eventually blossom into a very good, if not elite, QB, but this praise may be a year early.

Brett Favre. All of it.

dmk: (looks up)

What do you want me to say? Yes. He made a phenomenal play at the end of the game.

(grumbles)

He played extremely well. Very few QBs in the NFL could have made that play. It’s difficult not to be impressed with that final drive.

(pulls out blueprints of Metrodome)

Oh, these? Yeah, I’m getting into architecture. I'm a real renaissance man like that.

Favre played well at the beginning of last season, too. The question was whether he could last through the season. That question still hasn’t been answered. He’s still nearly 40 and playing with a bad rotator cuff. He’s already appearing on the injury report.

(begins cleaning scope on sniper rifle)

This? I’m going hunting in Tanzania this weekend.

One game doesn’t make his signing the right or wrong decision. Let’s wait until at least late November before reaching a conclusion. If Favre goes back to his N.Y. Jet self over the next few games, the tone could turn quickly.

(pulls out dynamite sticks, tapes them to vest)

Oh, these? These are road flares.

Presumptive Super Bowl Matchup:

Each week, we’ll track all of the major websites’ power rankings in order to determine the presumptive Super Bowl matchup. At no point in the season do we expect the presumptive Super Bowl matchup to match the eventual Super Bowl matchup. We emphasize that these are not the teams we project to reach the Super Bowl, but the teams projected by a sampling of power rankings from major media sites.


AFC Championship: Baltimore over Indianapolis

NFC Championship: New York Giants over Minnesota

Super Bowl XLIV: Baltimore over New York Giants

Regionally Televised Games This Week:

Baltimore (+2) over NEW ENGLAND

This should be a great start to Sunday’s slate.

Baltimore has some issues in the secondary, and the Pats should throw the ball well enough to get a few scores. Provided New England can pass protect, of course. New England doesn’t stop the run very well, and Baltimore runs the ball well.

Expect a high scoring game, or at least more high scoring than you’d expect, but the Ravens should pull away late. Baltimore will firmly establish themselves as this year’s premier regular season team who falls off in the playoffs. Think of them as this year’s version of the 2008 Giants.

Detroit (+10) over CHICAGO

So Chicago squeaks out a victory over a Seattle team quarterbacked by Seneca fucking Wallace and now they’re a 10 point favorite? No. Jay Cutler hasn’t looked all that impressive, and they still struggle on the offensive line, specifically with their run blocking (IF I SAY THAT ENOUGH, MAYBE IT WILL BE TRUE).

Chicago should win this game, but 10 points is too many for the Bears anemic offense to cover. Even against the Lions.

DENVER (+3) over Dallas

Neither Denver nor Dallas have been all that impressive this season. Both have yet to beat a quality opponent. Yet, for some reason, Denver’s a three point home underdog when Dallas is missing their top two running backs and has a QB with severe turnover issues. As big of an asshole as Josh McD is, he’s a better coach than Wade, too.

Denver should score enough points to win this game, or at least keep things close.

San Diego (+6.5) over PITTSBURGH

Is Pittsburgh done? Hell no. They have two narrow losses on the road to teams that will probably hover around .500. Yes, that isn’t promising. But remember, the Steelers weren’t dominant in the early going last season, either. Pittsburgh’s still a good team, and, barring catastrophic injury, should at least grab a Wild Card. But this line is fat.

Without Troy Polamalu in the secondary, Vincent Jackson and Antonio Gates should find enough room to run around the Pittsburgh secondary, and Phillip Rivers is good enough to hit them deep. San Diego should score enough to at least cover. Whether the Chargers pull off the upset will depend on how well they can shut down the Steelers passing game, and, more specifically, whether they can limit Santonio Holmes.

Meteor (-11.5) over GREEN BAY-MINNESOTA BROADCAST ON ESPN


If I wanted to experience three old men fellating another old man, I’d spend my time at a Lemon Party. (note: do NOT google Lemon Party at work. Wait until you get home.)

MINNESOTA (-3.5) over Green Bay

After sifting through all the hyper-irritating douchebaggery that will likely occur during the ESPN broadcast and in the local bars, we're left with an excellent matchup between two good teams.

Green Bay has struggled to protect Aaron Rodgers so far this season. I can’t imagine them faring much better this week. Not with the way the Vikings' front and Chad Greenway are playing.

Then again, Shaun fucking Hill was able to throw the ball decently well against the Vikings, so maybe Rodgers will be able to find some room in the secondary. Rodgers' WRs are good enough to make plays if Rodgers has time to throw.

Brett Favre will probably have a pretty quiet game, because the strength of the Packer defense is their secondary (and, by the way: where the fuck has Bernard Berrian been all year?), but the Packers have been terrible at stopping the run so far this year. Adrian Peterson should put up a huge game on Monday night but cede the spotlight to Favre, who’ll get far too much credit for managing the game.

Minnesota should win by at least a touchdown, so long as they don’t fuck themselves on special teams or by turnovers that result in touchdowns (Brett).

One Liners:

HOUSTON (-9.5) over Oakland. Oakland’s not as feisty as first thought, and Jamarcus Russell on the road is a bad idea.

JACKSONVILLE (+3) over Tennessee. I’ll take the home underdog over the team with a suddenly awful pass defense and a QB who’s playing like one of the league’s worst.

Cincinnati (-5.5) over CLEVELAND. The return of Horse Balls can’t save the Browns from a Bengals team that looks like they could challenge the Steelers and Jets for a Wild Card spot.

New York Giants (-8.5) over KANSAS CITY. Whatever.

Tampa Bay (+7) over WASHINGTON. The Redskins lose to the Lions, yet they’re giving 7 points at home?

INDIANAPOLIS (-9) over Seattle. We’ll find out how Jim Caldwell handles a possible letdown game.

N.Y. Jets (+7) over NEW ORLEANS. Best game of the week, at least from a football standpoint; New York’s defense should be good enough for them to cover, if not win outright.

MIAMI (+2) over Buffalo. That sound you’ll hear late Sunday afternoon will be me impaling myself on a flag pole.

SAN FRANCISCO (-9.5) over St. Louis. Kyle Boller on the road against a good defense.

Fuck You, Guy:

The guy who christened the Cowboys stadium by banging his girlfriend on the bathroom floor.

Not for any particular reason, just because that’s the kind of awesomeness I aspire to*. Can you imagine the balls it takes to ask your girlfriend to fuck on the bathroom floor of a stadium, let alone to continue letting you pound away while a crowd forms outside the stall?

Good for that guy. I hope a child is conceived out of the event, because surely that kid will grow up to cure cancer and not sell meth out of his trailer.

*(note: I do not actually wish to fuck a girl on the floor in a public restroom while people watch outside the stall and record a video. I'm more of an "in an art gallery" type of guy, because I'm cultured and shit.)

Ill-Advised Fantasy Advice of the Week:

Start Darren McFadden.

Yeah, the Raiders’ passing game is terrible, but Houston has allowed over 100 yards rushing every game so far this season, and the running back has scored in each game. McFadden’s a decent flex play if you need a high reward (but high risk) player.

Fake Mailbag Question of the Week:

Q: Hey, dmk. Who’s the NFL’s worst team?

A: Oh, that’s a tough call. The Browns are making a game effort, but it’s probably the Rams. Their defense has been awful, the offensive line sucks, and their QB is Kyle Boller. It’s hard not to feel bad for Steven Jackson, who’s wasting the prime years of his career on last place teams.

Shit That Will Piss You Off This Week:

ESPN attempting to set the record for the number of times “Brett Favre” is said during a broadcast.

No matter how big of a Brett Favre fan you are, you have to hate the lack of self-awareness put forth by ESPN, the media entity who hyped Brett Favre up to the levels where they can mock themselves for their own coverage – only they’re mocking themselves months after other people finished mocking them.

ESPN's belated timing and lack of self awareness that they're responsible for the situation is similar to when George W. Bush told that joke at the White House correspondant’s dinner about not finding WMDs in Iraq - only in the case, the ESPN guys telling the jokes weren’t indirectly responsible for anyone’s death. At least, they haven’t been yet. But I’m working on changing that.

Retarded Prediction of the Week:

Miami wins their first game of the year, defeating Buffalo by two scores.

Buffalo’s going to be without 3 starters in the secondary, their middle linebacker, both of their tackles, and possibly their center. Yes, Miami’s starting Chad Henne, but even Henne can throw against the makeshift unit Buffalo will trot out on Sunday. Now, whether Ted Ginn can actually catch the ball…that’s a different issue.

But we’ll give the nod to a Dolphins team that isn’t as bad as their record indicates. This Dolphin victory will earn another Terrell Owens facepalm, which is hilarious for your whole family.

Joe Mauer: Just Like Bill Belichick, Minus The Cougars

You may or may not have seen the video which shows Joe Mauer allegedly stealing signs. If you haven't, it's above.

Now, you may remember the whole "Spygate" business, where Bill Belichick stole other team's defensive signals. In that instance, the Patriots allegedly taped other teams' defensive signals from the sidelines, with the hope of learning their opponents' defensive calls. As punishment for stealing signals, Bill Belichick was fined 500k and the Patriots lost a first round draft pick.

My question: in terms of alleged "cheating," how is what Joe Mauer is doing any different from what the Patriots did?

I understand that a video camera was involved in the Patriots incident, so I SUPPOSE you can argue that makes what Belichick did worse. Because a video camera only makes things better in one instance.

But if Belichick had his coaches look at the oppposing coaches with binoculars and write down the signals, is that any different from what Mauer did? What if Belichick's staff simply saw, in plain view, the defensive signals? Is that ok?

I guess my point, which is buried within this meandering, nonsensical piece, is that Mauer will get a free pass for stealing signs (especially from the Minnesota media and fanbase), because in baseball what he did is considered "gamesmanship," while Belichick did essentially the same thing (albeit, while using a video camera) and was fed to the lions. And if someone like, oh, A-Rod was caught doing this, he'd be blasted by the media and by most Twins fans.

Jacory Got A New Haircut

Tigers Bash Pavano, On Brink Of Earning Chance To Be Swept By Yankees

What else is there to say? Carl Pavano, to put it lightly, struggled. The Twins aren't going to win much when their starter gives up 7 runs, especially with the lineup they've have to use due to the Morneau and Crede injuries.

Scott Baker takes the ball tomorrow, and he'll be charged with staving off elimination. A loss tomorrow eliminates the Twins from postseason contention.

And if you think that's depressing, wait until you see the future payroll obligations, which I'll detail in a few weeks.

2010 doesn't look so bad, so long as you don't mind the same rotation, minus Pavano, coming back (not a great idea, but defensible), the bullpen being filled internally (a good idea), and the lineup likely featuring Danny Valencia at 3B (a bad idea), a cheap veteran like Orlando Cabrera at SS or 2B (a defensible idea), and one of Nick Punto/Brendan Harris/Alexi Casilla/Matt Tolbert starting at the other middle infield position not filled by the veteran (a facepalm-worthy idea). That's what's affordable for about $80 million, gang. And $80 million would be a pretty significant payroll increase, even with the new stadium opening.

But 2011? You want to extend Joe Mauer for what's going to be a $25 million per year contract? Get ready for a team featuring Mauer, Morneau, Kubel, Span, Gomez, Baker, Blackburn, Slowey (or Perkins, or Liriano, or a veteran starter making roughly $4-$5 mil a year, take your pick of one) and a bunch of guys who either aren't on currently on the roster or who will still be making the minimum. That's assuming an $80-$85 million dollar payroll.

And keep in mind, the Twins farm system kinda sucks right now, at least in terms of players in the upper minors who are MLB ready. So the replacements for rotation spots, the infield positions that aren't first base, and guys like Cuddy will probably have to come from outside the organization through trades. And nobody's giving up anything of value for guys like Delmon.

Twins-Tigers Open Thread

Hey, look: meaningful baseball's still being played in Minnesota. We haven't talked about that in awhile.

The Twins and Tigers kick off a four game set tomorrow, with the Twins likely needing to take at least three out of four games in order to have a chance at the postseason. After this series, the Tigers have a three game home set versus the White Sox, while the Twins come home to face the Royals. Unfortunately, Zack Grienke's scheduled to pitch in one of the three games.

Minnesota enters the series two games behind Detroit. The pitching matchups are as follows:

Monday: Blackburn (MIN) @ Porcello (DET)
Tuesday: Duensing (MIN) @ Verlander (DET)
Wednesday: Pavano (MIN) @ Bonine (DET)
Thursday: Baker (MIN) @ Robertson (DET)

The Twins have a clear advantage in the Monday and Wednesday matchups, and they need to take both games if they hope to win the required 3 out of 4. Facing Verlander on Tuesday is tough, even with how well Duensing's been pitching; making Tuesday's game against a pitcher of Verlander's ability a must-win is inviting disappointment. Scott Baker's always kind of hit or miss, but Nate Robertson's not exactly great himself. Hopefully, Baker pitches well Thursday and the Twins can take that game without much trouble.

We'll keep this post up through the week for any and all discussion of this series.

And I'd prefer not to talk about football right now. On Saturday, this happened. Then on Sunday, this happened, and this happened. All of which made me want to do alot of this




HT for pic

BtC: Time For A Field Trip

Due to a large workload this week, I didn’t have as much time this week to read all of the usual suspects in dipshittery. Sure, I was able to get to the big names – Simmons, King, Easterbrook, etc. But I missed out on the lesser names who put forth spew moronic shit – you know, Pete Prisco, Gregg Doyel, Clark Judge, Jason Whitlock, etc. So I can’t, in good conscience, give you an in-depth breakdown of Shit You Learned From The National Pundits This Week.

Instead, you’ll be subjected to a one-time only feature entitled….

Shit I Learned At The Bills Game Last Week

Yep, that’s right. Last weekend, I went to Buffalo for a Bills game. I hadn’t been to Buffalo in about 9 years, and I hadn’t been to a Bills game in Buffalo in about 15 years, back when I didn’t know what all the old men were talking about when they called Lonnie Johnson a shit-eating pussybasket. So this was kind of a new experience for me.

Since I don’t see any of you ever traveling to Buffalo for a football game – after all, if you want to watch mediocre football while seated amongst fat white people, you can just go to the Metrodome, TCF Bank Stadium, or the GldnKnight's house – I’ll try to portray exactly what watching a game in Buffalo is like. And I’ll do so with pictures, and without boring you with personal stories. Because they’re lame, and it’s not like anyone’s ever going to find the body anyway, so you wouldn't have any context.

A Bills game at Ralph Wilson Stadium is the closest thing I've seen to a college football atmosphere in an NFL stadium. I’ve been to the Metrodome, the Superdome, the Georgia Dome, Jacksonville’s stadium, and Dolphins Stadium (or Land Shark Stadium, or Jimmy Buffett’s Road Beef Stadium, or whatever it’s called now). And each of those stadiums feel sterile. Sure, they get loud at moments, but the seats are so far back from the field, and everything in the crowd is so controlled, that watching the game isn’t any kind of special experience. There's no excitetment in the crowd, no electricity in the air. Half the time, it feels like a damn study hall.

Watching a game at the vast majority of NFL stadiums doesn’t compare to watching a game in a big college stadium, which is fucking awesome, primarily because of the in-game atmosphere.

Well, Ralph Wilson Stadium has seats that are packed in pretty fucking tight, and they’re kind of right on top of the field. And the stadium is loud, and it even shakes a bit when a big play happens. And the Stadium never goes quiet, like it does at the 'Dome or Land Shark stadium, even during commercial breaks. Watching a game at the Ralph is more like watching a game in a college stadium than in a sterile NFL stadium.

Of course, the Ralph's not as nice, either. I’m willing to bet TCF Bank Stadium (let alone any new NFL stadium) blows Ralph Wilson Stadium away in terms of gadgets, food options, and overall cleanliness. But who fucking cares about that shit? Country club assholes who give their kids names like Landon and Ashton, that's who.

Anyway, to the brief picture show. I'm well aware that you’re not interested, because slideshows of other people's travels are fucking lame, but I do have many more boring photos. You can click the pictures to enlarge them. I think.

This picture perfectly captures Buffalo: an old, worn down factory and property that’s so worthless it can’t be given away. If you like North Minneapolis, you’ll LOVE Buffalo.


This is the outside of the Buffalo Bisons’ stadium. It’s actually a nice park, and I think it used to be the Twins’ AAA affiliate. Whatever. It's also a brief glimpse of the exciting area that is downtown Buffalo.

What you see here is two individuals walking on the sidewalk, with a case of beer under their arm, and drinking in front of law enforcement personnel, who did nothing but laugh.

There is such a thing as embracing your conference championships a bit too much.

This is a typical tailgate scene outside the stadium, except that these dipshits didn’t tie down their tent, and it flew away when a helicopter flew by. Also, that girl in the #51 jersey was the most attractive girl at the game, and probably in the city limits.

Some chumps bought an ambulance and painted the Bills logo on the side. The sirens still work. They drive it to games and grill on the engine. Buffalonians don’t have a lot going for them in life.

I bought seats in the 6th row in the corner of the end zone. The face value on these tickets was $60. Buffalo may not have many positives, but holy shit do they have cheap tickets. A season ticket package in the lower bowl is going to cost you around $1100 for two tickets. Sure, you have to watch the Bills, but that’s still a tremendous deal.

Also: the guy in the #15 jersey clearly fails life.

This was the view during the game. Again, $60. If ticket prices are going to stay that low, I hope Buffalo's economy never recovers. Now that they're on the verge of having the option of free healthcare, those people don't need jobs anyway.

Ronde Barber is my new favorite NFL player. Before the game, some jackasses were yelling at Barber while he warmed up. It wasn’t overly creative stuff, although a couple of the digs at him for being less famous than Tiki were amusing, but it also wasn’t racist, so, hey, small victories. Anyway, Barber, after completing a rep in the M drill, comes over and shakes the guys’ hands, talks to them, and basically tells them to keep bringing that shit because he’s going to shut them up, except he does so in a highly entertaining, self-depricating way. It was fucking awesome. Ronde Barber, creative shittalker. Didn’t expect that from him.

The GldnKnight served as FOX’s sideline reporter for the game.

Some military veterans were in attendance. During pre-game warm-ups, Kellen Winslow decided to acknowledge his fellow soldiers. That's also Jerramy Stevens in the background (click the picture to enlarge it). To my knowledge, he did NOT rape anyone.

Terrell Owens mugged for the camera. A little. You can see him on the far right, with the red hat on backwards (again, click to enlarge). He was the only guy to come out of the tunnel without his helmet on, and whenever he was warming up and a camera crew was nearby, his demeanor changed. Shocking, I know. I didn't get a picture of them, but those girls who "manage" him were also at the game. Unfortunately, I saw them, and drinking a liter of bleach has yet to remove the image from my memory.

All that said: I wore a T.O. jersey (and a fucking bandana) to the game, so I probably shouldn't be throwing stones at any other douchebags. You know, the whole don't-throw-stones-while-you-live-in-a-glass-house/pot-calling-the-kettle-black thing.

Byron Leftwich: not very good.

Fred Jackson:

*fans self*

*swoons*

*skeets*

*takes nap*
The place was rocking after Lee Evans’ early touchdown catch.

T.O., before he did anything notable.

Marcus Stroud’s a big dude, and when he tries to fire up the crowd, the crowd listens.

Eric Moulds, Andre Reed, Thurman Thomas, and a bunch of other old Bills were in town for the induction of Buffalo’s 50th anniversary team. Nearly all of Buffalo’s past greats were in town, with the exception of Jim Kelly, Bruce Smith, and…

O.J. Simpson, who is still on the Wall of Fame. I wonder what he’s up to these days?

Regionally Televised Games This Week:

San Francisco (+7) over MINNESOTA

Brett Favre still can’t throw deep, which could be a problem eventually. And it may this week, because the 49ers have the defense to at least slow down the Vikings’ running game.

But it’s tough to envision San Francisco scoring enough points to win this game. The Vikes should be able to stack the box; with their defensive line, that should be enough to render Frank Gore fairly ineffective. Are you trusting Shaun Hill to win a tough road game? I’m not. But will I trust Brett Favre to cover against a tough defense? Nope.

Pittsburgh (-4) over CINCINNATI

Jesus, I can’t fucking believe this is the late game we’re getting in Minnesota. I have no desire to watch this game. I have no desire to talk about this game. Yes, I know the Bengals won last week, and it was adorable. But they won’t be able to protect Carson Palmer this week, and the Bengals won’t be able to run against the Steelers’ front.

Yeah, maybe Pittsburgh won’t run away with this game. Cincinnati’s defense is better than it’s been before. But that doesn’t mean this game will be interesting.

Indianapolis (+2.5) over ARIZONA

Neither Indianapolis nor Arizona have beat anyone of note, but when in doubt I’ll take the team with the better QB and better defense, especially when they’re getting points. This could be one of those games where each team goes over 400 yards of offense, yet the game is never really close.

Indianapolis probably has the running game to keep the Cardinals off the field enough to win the time of possession battle, and the Colts’ pass rush will probably force Warner into at least one turnover.

Carolina (+9) over DALLAS

Blech. This game sucks too. Carolina’s suddenly porous run defense will be worn down by the Cowboys’ ground game, even if Marion Barber can’t play. Tony Romo won’t have a chance to fuck up this game. The Cowboys may give up some points, though, because they’ll struggle to stop Carolina’s ground game. The Panthers cover, but the outcome is never really in doubt.

One Liners:

NEW ENGLAND (-4) over Atlanta. Something may be wrong with Brady, at least mechanically, but I’m still taking New England at home against an overrated Atlanta team.

Cleveland (+13.5) over BALTIMORE. I have little faith in Cleveland, but that’s a lot of points to leave on the board.

Green Bay (-7) over ST. LOUIS. Huge bounce back game for Green Bay – St. Louis can’t stop anyone, and they can’t protect Marc Bulger.

Jacksonville (+4) over HOUSTON. One more week before I concede the Jaguars blow.

Kansas City (+9) over PHILADELPHIA. If R. Mexico were under center, I’d take the home team, but I’m not taking Kevin Kolb.

N.Y. Giants (-7) over TAMPA BAY. Byron Leftwich isn’t mobile enough to elude New York’s pass rush, and the Giants should have no trouble moving the ball against a young Bucs defense.

Tennessee (+3) over N.Y. JETS. Desperation’s a stinky cologne, but desperation is a great reason for betting on a team.

DETROIT (+6) over Washington. So long as Matt Stafford can limit his crucial fuck ups to three or fewer, the Lions can win this game.

Chicago (-3) over SEATTLE. Jay Cutler should put up big numbers against a Seahawk defense that’s riddled with injuries.

BUFFALO (+6.5) over New Orleans. Buffalo has enough offense to keep this close, but they won’t outscore the Saints.

OAKLAND (+2) over Denver. Kyle Orton on the road? Fuck that noise.

SAN DIEGO (-6) over Miami. Chad Pennington has maybe one more week before he’s benched, and Ted Ginn may not be far behind.

Fuck You, Guy:

Kenny Phillips’ doctor.

Why the shit would he inform Phillips to play? I don’t have any attachment to Phillips, but the whole story behind this seems retarded.

Ill-Advised Fantasy Advice of the Week:

Start Lee Evans.

I know exactly what you're doing right now. ""Oh, more Bills shit.' *makes dismissive wanking motion*." And I kind of don't blame you.

Yes, Lee Evans is one of the most frustrating WRs to own, but this week the Bills play the Saints, meaning the Bills will probably throw the ball 45 times. Expect Evans to have a big game going against Jabari Greer, a corner Evans abused in practice while Greer was in Buffalo.

Shit That Will Piss Me Off This Week:

The Vikings starting 3-0.

I saw a guy wearing a Brett Favre Vikings jersey the other day. Up to this point, my day was all skittles and beer. This man was walking on the sidewalk, minding his own business. But upon seeing this goddamn cockchugger in a Favre jersey, I immediately went into a fit of road rage and wanted to run over him with my fucking car. Repeatedly. While his entire family watched, cried, and begged me to stop. At that moment, nothing would have made me happier.

I think I have a problem.

Retarded Prediction of the Week:

The Detroit Lions win a football game against an NFL team.

Washington hasn’t been overly impressive this year, and the Lions seem much better than the 2008 winless squad. Calvin Johnson should be able to find room in the Redskins’ secondary, and with the way Jason Campbell’s been playing, if the ‘Skins fall behind early they won’t be able to play catch up. Even against the Lions.

The University of Miami Should Probably Muzzle Jacory Harris

They should, but dear Jesus I hope they don't. The video - scroll ahead to 1:30:



If you can't get video at work, the exchange:

Reporter: Jacory, when the last time you had that kind of protection?

Jacory: Last night.

HT

BtC: One Week Does Not Make A Season

Shit You Learned From The National Pundits This Week:

I should really just wait until I see Simmons’ column, because that’s a goldmine for trash, but we’ll go with what I’ve seen so far.

Every single 0-1 team's season is fucked.

Since we’re dealing with a one game sample size, everything from Week 1 is typically blown out of proportion. The worst offense, of course, is looking at Week 1 as if it’s a more worthwhile indicator of future success than any of the season’s other 17 weeks. Unfortunately, this happens EVERY GODDAMN YEAR. People rush to conclusions based on one week of play; most of the time, these conclusions end with writing off teams that suffer losses. Which is a fucking terrible idea.

Tennessee is not fucked. Miami is not fucked. Jacksonville is not fucked. Washington is not fucked. Buffalo is not fucked. All five of these squads lost to tough opponents on the road.

Arizona is also not fucked. Yeah, they lost to an average San Francisco team at home, but every team gets mulligan games.

Everyone else? Well, yeah, they may be fucked, but outside of Carolina and Chicago, none of them had high expectations anyway. And Chicago’s more fucked because of their injuries, and Carolina because, well, they may not have a QB. Speaking of Carolina's QB...

Jake Delhomme’s done.

You know, it is possible to rebound from a poor two game stretch. Really. Delhomme’s not the first good QB to have two consecutive abysmal games, and he certainly won’t be the last. Hell, Kurt Warner had a few awful seasons and he came back to be a Pro Bowl QB.

That said: would I bet on Delhomme turning back into the QB he was three years ago? Hell no. Have you SEEN that guy play? I'd rather have Spergon Wynn start than the current version of Delhomme.

Dallas is better without TO.

Dallas played the Bucs. Yes, they threw the ball well. Yes, nobody cursed at Tony Romo on the sidelines. Yes, nobody tried to kill themself as a cry for attention.

But they played the Bucs. When Dallas plays a team with an NFL caliber secondary, they’ll miss Owens, because Roy Williams isn’t beating any double teams.

Brad Childress: still a steakhead.

Actually, this is dead on.

When you’re a huge favorite who’s clearly more talented than your opponent, you don’t need to take unnecessary risks, such as starting the game with an onside kick. The last thing you want to do is give the other team any early momentum, which, you know, may happen if you give them the ball on your 35 yard line to open.

Good Lord, that kick was fucking moronic. Even Les Miles questioned Bradford's decision-making process.

San Francisco’s a legitimate contender in the NFC West.

The 49ers still can’t throw the ball, and Frank Gore couldn’t even run it against the decrepit Cardinals’ defense. When they flash the ability to make big plays on offense, I’ll start to get on board.

Philadelphia's the best team in the NFC.

Jake Delhomme handed them the game. With the way Delhomme was playing, no team would have lost to the Panthers on Sunday. Well, except for the Rams, Lions, and Browns.

Drew Brees is the MVP favorite.

He played the Lions.

Adrian Peterson is the MVP favorite.

He played the Browns.

Brett Favre is the missing link.

Again, he played the Browns. And outside of a nice deep throw to Sidney Rice (I think it was Rice) along the sideline, he didn’t really do anything that Tarvaris Jackson couldn’t have done. Well, except for have fun out there.

Bills fans are fucking idiots.

Yeah, this is true.

Regionally Televised Games:

Cincinnati (+9.5) over GREEN BAY

This game is on TV? Jesus. I’m glad I’m out of town this weekend.

Green Bay didn’t look great last weekend, especially on offense. And for as good as the Packers played on defense, Jay Cutler was gift-wrapping interceptions to them all game. His interceptions weren’t the type where DBs made great plays; he was hitting the Green Bay DBs in the chest. It was a very Grossman-esque performance from Cutler.

Still, the Packer defense held up pretty well against the run. And the offense was good enough to score against a decent Bears defense, so they shouldn’t have too much trouble scoring against the Bengals.

Cincinnati…well, they suffered a soul crushing loss to Denver. Sure, Denver sucks. But Cincinnati’s still good enough to cover here. They'll score enough points for this to finish as a one possession game.


Pittsburgh (-3) over CHICAGO

If Cutler thought he was going to have trouble throwing on Green Bay, wait until he sees Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh’s secondary may not be as good as Green Bay’s, but the Steelers should generate more of a pass rush than Green Bay did, and Chicago’s offensive line isn’t exactly stellar. Jay's going to spend most of the afternoon running for his life and helplessly lying flat on his back - just like how a date with Colonel Cool usually goes.

Pittsburgh can also limit the mediocre Chicago WR corps, and the Bears offensive line won’t be able to open many holes against the Steelers’ front. Chicago’s going to have trouble scoring more than 17 points unless they get some points off special teams or defense.

Chicago lost Brian Urlacher to a season ending injury. Which hurts. But even with Urlacher, the Bears defense wasn’t great. They don’t have much of a pass rush, the secondary is getting older, and, without Urlacher, stopping the run is dicey. Pittsburgh shouldn’t have trouble moving the ball on Chicago. Expect Pittsburgh to cruise to a surprisingly easy win, and for everyone in Chicago to PANIC.

DETROIT (+10) over Minnesota

The Vikings played pretty well last week. Adrian Peterson was a monster. Percy Harvin made some plays. Brett Favre didn’t throw any back-breaking INTs. The defense made Brady Quinn look…well, like Brady Quinn. Which means gay, of course. But still: the Vikings played the Browns. Who suck.

Granted, the Lions blow too. They couldn’t do anything to stop Drew Brees. But they did score 27 points, partially proving they actually have some weapons on offense. They’re not that bad.

And, really, I don’t trust the Vikings to cover a 10 point spread on the road. Against anyone. This team is coached by a jerkoff who opened the season with an onside kick. You think he’s a sure bet to have his team prepared for what’s an obvious letdown game against a shitty team?


New York Giants (+3) over DALLAS

Both New York and Dallas head into this game with 1-0 records. But the Giants actually beat a decent team last week, whereas the Cowboys beat the Bucs. And the Cowboys were, heading into the season, probably a weaker team than the Giants. One week hasn't convinced me that the Cowboys are suddenly some kind of juggernaut. They’re likely an 8-8 team, while the Giants are a 10-6 team that should pressure Tony Romo into mistakes and run the ball at will.

So long as Eli Manning doesn’t fuck anything up, New York covers and wins outright.

Indianapolis (-4) over MIAMI

The Colts looked solid last weekend. Their defense looked like it could *gasp!* be at least an average unit, and the offense wasn’t bad. But the offense also struggled to move the ball at times against a Jags defense that, well, isn’t a juggernaut itself. And without Anthony Gonzalez, the Colts may struggle to move the ball against teams that can shut down Reggie Wayne. The Dolphins aren’t one of those teams that can shut down Reggie Wayne. Miami’s secondary is their Achilles Heel. Well, at least on defense. Provided he gets at least average protection, Peyton Manning should have no difficulty topping 300 yards and 3 TDs.

For the Dolphins offensively, Chad Pennington and the entire WR corps are the Achilles heel. In fact, they’re more like an Achilles lower body. Miami has the ingredients for a solid running game, but if Pennington can’t take pressure off the running backs, Miami will struggle to move the ball on the ground.

One Liners:

JACKSONVILLE (-3) over Arizona. For at least one more week, I’m on the Jaguars bandwagon.

Carolina (+6) over ATLANTA. Betting on Atlanta looks like the classic “wow, this is too easy” game of the week.

TENNESSEE (-6.5) over Houston. Tennessee should have no trouble ramming the ball down Houston’s throat all afternoon, and their defense could put Matt Schaub in the hospital.

New England (-4) over NEW YORK JETS. The Jets are pretty good, but Belichick will have some tricks to confuse the rookie Mark Sanchez enough for the Pats to win this game by a touchdown.

PHILADELPHIA (-1) over New Orleans. New Orleans still has no defense, and they aren’t facing the Lions this week.

Oakland (+3) over KANSAS CITY. Kansas City narrowly lost to Baltimore on the road, and they get Matt Cassel back this week.

WASHINGTON (-10) over St. Louis. Marc Bulger’s done, so the Rams can’t score enough to cover this spread.

SAN FRANCISCO (-1) over Seattle. Seattle’s offensive line injuries kill them this week.

Tampa Bay (+5) over BUFFALO. Agonizing loss + injuries to key starters + off-the-field distractions + short week = letdown game where the Bills don’t cover.

DENVER (-3) over Cleveland. Denver’s going to start 3-0 on the way to a 4-12 finish.

Fuck You, Guy:

The Carolina Panthers Front Office.

Carolina’s wasting an awesome running game and Steve Smith by giving Jake Delhomme $20 million in guaranteed money. Granted, Carolina’s a pretty boring squad to watch, even when Delhomme’s good. But I’d still rather see them win the NFC South than the fucking Falcons. And gross stupidity should be chastised, not rewarded.

Seriously. $42.5 million, with $20 million guaranteed, for Jake fucking Delhomme. Even Bush and Obama administrations are laughing at that display of fiscal irresponsibility. (Hiyo! *high fives self*)

Ill-Advised Fantasy Tip of the Week:

Start Derrick Ward.

Buffalo lost their MLB, Paul Posluszny, for about 6 weeks. They’re replacing him with an undersized LB who’s never started in the NFL and who isn't any good. And he went to Vanderbilt. Which is also where Cutlerfucker went, along with one of my friends from high school. Judging by those two, I can guaran-fucking-tee you that Marcus Buggs, Posluszny's replacement, is also a HUGE jagoff.

Plus, in actual football news, Tampa’s got a good offensive line, and they’re likely to be run-heavy against a Bills team with an undersized front seven and good secondary.

Ward should get plenty of carries, and he’ll probably break at least one long run. He’s a perfect play in your #2 RB slot.

Fake Mailbag Question of the Week:

Q: Hey, dmk: Are the Bears in trouble?

A: Yes. Yes, they most certainly are.And not the cool kind of trouble that happens in porn, where the sexy prison guard comes to "teach you a lesson" while wearing nothing but lingerie, high heels, and a cop hat and twirling a baton.

No, Chicago's in real trouble. The Bears have already lost their best defensive player for the remainder of 2009. Last week, Jay Cutler looked awful. The WRs couldn’t get open. The offensive line was dicey. The pass rush wasn’t great.

Now, some of these problems can, and will, be corrected. Cutler will undoubtedly improve, and the young WRs will only get better with experience. But the offensive line isn’t improving overnight; they’re old, and it doesn’t seem like they have any guys who should immediately get better. And the pass rush is the same way; the defensive line is only getting older, and defensive ends aren’t something that gets better with age.

Chicago won’t be an awful team, but without Urlacher the defense isn’t much better than average. And the offense can’t carry them to much better than 8 wins.

Shit That Will Piss You Off This Week:

Denver starting 2-0.

Denver’s going to kick the shit out of Cleveland this week, and they’re probably going to start 3-0. Their schedule is perfect for it.

And then we’ll all get to hear about how Josh McDaniels was right, and Jay Cutler was a team cancer (or some other bullshit), and Brandon Marshall’s kicked that habit of beating his girlfriend because he found Jesus or something, and Barrel Man (who I met at Super Bowl 33. I can tell you from personal experience that Barrel Man is an asshole who actually believes he’s some kind of big deal) will reappear on national television and Christ I’m ready to stab someone.

Retarded Prediction of the Week:

Carolina upsets Atlanta on the road. Off the wall? Check. Unlikely? Check. Against all reason and logic? Check. Yeah, that seems retarded enough for me.

But Carolina actually has the running game to keep the Falcons’ offense off the field, and Steve Smith should be able to break free from the Atlanta secondary. Whether Carolina wins depends largely on whether Delhomme can get Smith the ball. For one week, I’ll say he can.