dmk Shows You How To Fill Up Another Box

Here is your correctly chosen National League All Star ballot. Tune in to the comments, where I'll surely be ripped for not choosing any starters from either of the National League’s two best teams.

Catcher: Brian McCann, Atlanta Braves

McCann doesn’t have the on-base ability of Russell Martin, but he has a distinct power advantage that makes up for the lack of OBP. He’s also slightly better defensively, throwing out about 20% of runners compared to Martin’s 16%. You could anoint Martin here – his OBP advantage arguably makes him just as valuable, if not more valuable, than McCann.

Geovanny Soto is another fine young catcher. He’s bring premium power at the position, and is a touch better than both McCann and Martin defensively. Soto should be an All-Star mainstay for years to come, but McCann's offensive advantage vaults him over Soto this season.

First Base: Lance Berkman, Houston Astros

Even without Pujols’ recent injury, this is an easy selection. Berkman is dominating the NL to the tune of .367/.450/.705 and leads in all translated statistics as well. Berkman is also the National League’s premier defensive first baseman, with an RZR of .901 and 25 out of zone plays.

Adrian Gonzalez warrants mention for the nice year he’s put together.

Second Base: Dan Uggla, Florida Marlins

Uggla and Chase Utley are both on pace to have the best seasons from second basemen since Honus Wagner, and they’re doing it in the same season. Both are legitimate NL MVP candidates at this point. Uggla gets the advantage here because of his recent hot streak coupled with Utley’s slump and Uggla not playing half his games in a bandbox. Utley has been better defensively.

This is a homer pick – Utley and Uggla are pretty much equal production wise, so I went with the Marlin. Suck me. You can pick either one. By the time of the All-Star game, it's possible one or the other will be the clear choice.

Shortstop: Hanley Ramirez, Florida Marlins

Rafael Furcal’s injury issues get Ramirez his first All Star start. Ramirez is the most complete offensive SS in the National League, putting up a .294/.385/.525 line at the age of 24. Hanley has even improved his defense from his 2007 abortion-like levels to merely subpar.

Jose Reyes could easily mount a case in the time leading up to the All Star game. Miguel Tejada and Yuniel Escobar are having nice years, particularly defensively, but neither deserves the start.

Third Base: Larry Wayne Jones, Atlanta Braves

Duh. Chipper's also a class act off the field.

Left Field: Matt Holiday, Colorado Rockies

Both Pat Burrell and Holliday play in strong offensive environments, although Holliday’s is more favorable towards hitters. Burrell and Holiday have essentially equal offensive production, but Holliday is the better defensive player. You can pick either of these guys, or even Jason Bay, and not be completely batshit crazy. I didn’t go for Bay partially because even I didn’t think an all Pirate OF was logical.

Center Field: Nate McLouth, Pittsburgh Pirates

Who? That's him pictured below. McCloth's selection is an argument against picking a player from the individual three OF positions instead of just taking the most productive three outfielders. Nevertheless, McLouth is having the best year out of any full-time CFs.

You’re welcome to take Carlos Beltran in CF if you don’t think McLouth is deserving. McClouth is better offensively, but Beltran is superior defensively and has similar offensive numbers. Beltran’s not a bad choice, but McClouth slightly out-WARP3-ing him, garnering McClouth the start.

Right Field: Xavier Nady, Pittsburgh Pirates

The toughest position to choose. Contenders are Ryan Ludwick, Xavier Nady, Brian Giles, and Kosoke Fukudome. Corey Hart and Randy Winn can even mount cases. Fukudome is the best defensively and gets on base at the highest rate, but, like Giles, doesn’t provide much power. Nady and Ludwick don’t have the OBP of Giles and Fukudome but give more power.

I’d pick Nady or Ludwick because their offensive advantage is large enough to outweigh Fukudome’s and Giles’ defensive advantages. Neither Nady nor Ludwick have distinguished themselves this month; both are mired in shitty June’s, possibly indicating their first half success is not sustainable. There is little difference in either their VORP or WARP3.

Nady starts over Ludwick because of his OBP advantage and greater defensive value – while their RZR’s are similar, Nady has 34 out of zone plays compared to Ludwick’s 13. Xavier makes two Pittsburgh Pirates in the NL starting lineup, a sure sign to begin hoarding bottled water and canned goods.

Starting Pitcher: Edinson Volquez, Cincinnati Reds

Volquez’s walk rate isn’t great and he got rocked this week, but he strikes out an assload of batters and hasn’t been giving up HRs despite pitching in Great American Ballpark. Ben Sheets and Tim Lincecum are other acceptable selections.

Icy-Hot Exclusive: Kevin McHale's Draft Sheet

OJ Mayo
Upside: Talented Scorer, Ovinton J'Anthony is his birth name. You have to pick an Ovinton J’Anthony, don’t you?
Downside: First Class Asshole

I-H Odds of becoming a T-Wolf: 2.5 to 1

Brook Lopez
Upside: Fucking Huge (7’0”) and terrific low-post defender; Went to Stanford
Downside: Couldn’t stay eligible at Stanford; Freakishly ugly

I-H Odds of becoming a T-Wolf: 8 to 1

Kevin Love
Upside: Terrific Passer, Great Basketball IQ, Gambling Implications
Downside: White and Husky

I-H Odds of becoming a T-Wolf: 6.5 to 1

Selecting Other Player
Upside: Could be Michael Beasley, Eric Gordon, or Jerryd Bayless, all of whom could be impact NBA players
Downside: Vandalism, Lies, and Underachievement

I-H Odds: 8 to 1

Trading Down
Upside: Pickup another player and/or draft pick while still getting one of our top three prospects.
Downside: Possibility of fucking up the trade and making the other team the 2009 NBA Champions

I-H Odds: 5 to 1

Ndudi Ebi
Upside: Great potential, funny name
Downside: Worst top-20 pick in the history of the NBA

Sippin On That Haterade: Minnesota Twins

Like the Florida Marlins, the Minnesota Twins find themselves in contention despite what many justifiably believed was a rebuilding year. Minnesota currently sits 1.5 games behind the first place White Sox and 6 and 7.5 games, respectively, ahead of the preseason favorite Cleveland Indians and Detroit Tigers. While some are skeptical of the Twins' ability to sustain their success, others are calling for them to add pieces at the trade deadline. So are the Twins actual contenders? And should they make a concerted effort to contend in 2008 or keep up the rebuilding plan in hopes of peaking when GldnKnight park opens in 2010?

The short answer is that the Twins, like the Marlins, probably won’t make the playoffs this year. They’re far more likely to fall within the 80-85 win range and finish a few games out of a playoff spot. Evaluating the Twins on a team level, their run differential indicates they're playing over their heads and have been, for lack of a better word, lucky. They currently sit about 3 games over their expected win-loss record based on non adjusted run differential; when looking at the second and third order standings, the Twins sit even further out from their projections. Minnesota stands about 7 games over their third order wins while nearly every other AL Central team is underperforming its third order wins, indicating the Twins are unlikely to sustain their first half success and overtake the White Sox, let alone hold off the Tigers and Indians, whose adjusted run differentials indicate they should soon surpass the Twins. While there have been exceptions to the “run differential indicates your winning percentage” rule (see: 2007 Diamondbacks), viewing the Twins as one of these exceptions is dubious.

Statistically the offensive picture isn’t as rosy as it appears. Presently the Twins are 4^th in the AL in runs scored. Fucking sweet, right? Well, not really. Their team OBP hovers around .325, good for about 10^th in the AL. They aren’t making up for the lack of on base ability with power, as their team slugging is in the middle of the pack at about .395. Despite low OBP and SLG, they rank near the top of the AL in runs scored. Having a team OBP and OPS rank significantly lower than your runs scored indicates fluky, unsustainable results. Minnesota's overall hitter VORP is good for 20^th in the league, further indicating they aren’t likely to sustain their current runs scored rate. In yet another negative indicator, the Twins’ team EQA sits at .260, about league average; however they’re about 36 runs over what would be expected out of their team EQA, which is second only to Pittsburgh in terms of overachieving their expected scoring rate. Unless the Twins suddenly develop patience or have Joe Mauer, Delmon Young, and Michael Cuddyer go on a power binge, they won’t keep scoring runs at their current pace.

Outside of All-Star performances from Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer, no regulars are providing the necessary OBP or power from their positions. The infield's left side is probably the AL’s worst at the plate, and the corner outfielders have grossly underachieved their projected performances. Now it’s entirely possible that Michael Cuddyer dislodges his head from his ass and lives up to his contract in the second half, but unless Minnesota sees significant improvement from him, Carlos Gomez, and Delmon Young, expect the offensive output to significantly decline.

Cuddyer actually might have a chance of rebounding in the second half. His line drive rates are in line with his 2006 rates and his BABIP is about .025 below what it should be based on his LD%. His HR/FB % has tailed off significantly and could be due to a decrease in strength, but it’s more likely this decrease is just bad luck. He’s not hopeless by any means, and I’d expect his average, OBP, and power to increase in the second half, although he won’t be as good the rest of the way as he’s been so far in June.

Even though his season has been excellent thus far, Joe Mauer, like Cuddyer, could see his numbers improve in 2008's second half. Mauer’s walk rate is back up to 2006 levels and his strikeout rate is down. He’s increased his line drive % from 2007, although he still hasn’t gotten back up to his 2005 and 2006 rates; he’s hitting too many balls in the air that aren’t going for HRs. Mauer has seen a decrease in HR/FB% from his career rates; like Cuddyer, his HRs could be expected to increase in the second half. His average/OBP might drop though – his BABIP is around .350, which is about .025 points higher than what you’d expect based on his LD% (typically a player’s BABIP is .120 above their LD%). It’s doubtful Mauer and Cuddyer’s increases alone will be enough to offset the anticipated decline in runs scored though.

Despite underachieving so far in 2008, Carlos Gomez and Delmon Young remain intriguing players. Young has done a decent job hitting for average, but despite increasing his walk rate he still doesn’t walk enough. More alarming is Young lack of power production. His LD% is down a bit from his Tampa days, and his HR/FB% is down dramatically; these declining rates undoubtedly illustrate his lack of power (and a bit of bad luck). However, a bigger reason why he’s not hitting the doubles and HRs expected out of him is that his GB% is up a whopping 12% from his previous professional seasons. I’m not sure if this GB increase is just a fluke or if the Twins are instructing him to hit the ball on the ground; if it’s the former I’d expect him to rebound, although if it’s the latter then I’d wouldn’t expect any improvement is on the horizon. I’ve heard the Twins teach their players to keep the ball down and make contact, and while that’s fine for speedy guys without power potential such as Carlos Gomez, teaching those same techniques to a corner OF with the projectable power of Young is questionable.

Carlos Gomez is fun to watch and, in time, should become a fine top of the order hitter, but he’s currently miscast in the leadoff spot. Granted, he’s more or less there by default, but leading off with a guy struggling to OBP .300 solely because he’s fast isn’t an effective way to run an offense. Unfortunately, the Twins don’t seem likely to change, albeit mostly because of a lack of other options. Gomez’s strikeout rates are high, although that’s to be expected and, honestly, not the worst thing in the world. More jarring is his weak walk rate and that, based on his LD% of 16.9 and his BABIP of .341, he could be expected to see a drop in average/OBP unless he begins hitting more line drives in the second half. I like Gomez and think that, in time, he’ll become a decent leadoff hitter and centerfielder – he’s already excellent defensively. But he’s not a legitimate major league hitter yet.

The Twins' pitching staff is unlikely to show the improvement necessary to offset the expected offensive decline. At present, the team ERA is 4.31, good for 9th in the American League. While the Twins do a fantastic job preventing free passes, as they’ve given up the fewest walks in the AL, they surrender too many hits and don't strike out nearly enough batters. Lack of strikeouts is the primary reason for the inflated ERA. Although all three regular outfielders show good to excellent range and Brendan Harris and Adam Everett haven’t been bad, the team defense as a whole does a poor job of converting batted balls into outs, as their defensive efficiency sits near the bottom of the league. This subpar defensive efficiency is, along with the lack of strikeouts, responsible for the Twins' high hits against rate. Their current pitcher VORP is 21^st in the league, yet they’ve allowed the 4^th fewest runs, which is another indication their run prevention ability isn’t commensurate with their actual results. In short, they’ve been pretty lucky they haven’t allowed more runs this year. So in addition to likely scoring fewer runs in the second half, the Twins, barring an unexpected turnaround, aren’t likely to see a dramatic increase in their ability to prevent runs. The team ERA is actually more likely to rise than fall in the coming months.

Fortunately for the pitching staff, some players have excelled thus far and should continue their strong performances. Scott Baker is one example; his current ERA sits about where you’d expect it to be based on his WHIP, and his BABIP isn’t so out of line that he’s likely to see his ERA increase in the second half. He’s not a real groundball guy but makes up for that with his control and strikeout ability. He’s been throwing more curveballs and has added a slider this year, which could partially explain his success provided he’s able to adequately command those pitches. Baker, if healthy, should be able to be a front line starter for the Twins the rest of the way, although he likely profiles as a #2 or #3 guy in the long run.

Nick Blackburn is having a nice season, although his lack of strikeout ability likely profiles him as a back of the rotation pitcher in the long run. As a decent ground ball pitcher, he’s valuable, but he can’t anchor a rotation and carry a team. Blackburn gives up too many hits, but his ability to cut down on walks should keep him in the rotation for the foreseeable future. His current major league numbers are pretty much in line with his minor league stats; what you see right now is likely the best you’ll get from Blackburn, but there isn’t reason to believe he can’t continue what he’s done up to this point.

Kevin Slowey is another solid middle of the rotation pitcher. He gives up a fair amount of hits but makes up for it by not walking people, and his strikeout rates are well above average and in line with his past career and minor league numbers. In 2008 he’s done a better job of getting grounders, perhaps because he’s increased his fastball use and relied less on his slider, and as a result his ERA and WHIP have dropped. His ERA isn’t out of line with his WHIP and his BABIP, among other secondary stats, aren’t dramatically indicative of a coming rise in ERA. Slowey should be able to sustain his current performance and be a mid-rotation pitcher the Twins can rely on down the stretch.

Among starters, Livan Hernandez and Boof Bonser are the primary culprits of the Twins high team ERA. While adding Glen Perkins to the rotation might help in a “can’t get any worse” way, kicking Hernandez to the curb would benefit the rotation even more. If the Twins can find anyone willing to give them a warm body for Hernandez they should probably take it. Just by being on the team Hernandez has been doing the Twins more harm than good – his 2008 performance has been below replacement level. Even if Bill Smith believes the Twins are “in it” they can do better with just about anyone else in the rotation. Jettisoning Hernandez and getting back a semi-effective Liriano would go a long way towards helping the Twins keep up their current rate of runs allowed.

The Twins bullpen has been decent. Joe Nathan is having a typically excellent season, although signing him to a long term contract was idiotic for reasons mostly related to investing about 17% percent of the payroll in a guy pitching about 6% percent of the innings and the generally overvalued notion of closers. I’m of the belief the Twins would be smart to shop Nathan at the deadline for 3B or SP prospects, but his contract extension probably prevents any beneficial trade possibilities. Matt Guerrier and Dennys Reyes are having nice seasons as well, although Guerrier is more likely to regress due to his poor K/BB and HR rates. Guerrier does an ok job keeping the ball on the ground, but his strikeout rate is down from his career average and his walk rate is up; if he’s able to get back to his minor league and career strikeout/walk rates, Guerrier could sustain his success. If he can't improve his strikeout and walk rates, Guerrier's effectiveness will decline in the second half and he'll see his ERA rise.

The Twins have some solid pieces in the rotation and the bullpen. Still, their team pitching won't significantly improve in the season's second half; coupled with the anticipated offensive decline, the Twins won't make a real playoff run in 2008.The offense can’t keep scoring at this rate without some outside help, and unless Liriano can come back as his old self this team probably doesn’t have the pitching to succeed down the stretch.

Minnesota has a bright future. This season’s performance makes 2009 much more interesting, and when the team moves into the new park in 2010 they should be a legit World Series contender if they add a few key pieces. There are already cornerstone guys at C and 1B, decent pieces in RF and the rotation, and some promising young guys in CF, LF and at 2B. Eventually they’ll need to pick up a real 3B via trade, preferably one that can hit for power, and if Liriano can’t come back healthy they don’t really have anyone who profiles as a future staff ace. While the ace might be tough to find, the 3B won’t be if Bill Smith is more willing to trade young guys than was Terry Ryan. Provided the kids keep progressing and Smith can find that 3B and a front-line starter, the fall of 2010 will be a fun time to be a Twins fan.

(Note: Lest you think this is some kind of OMGFUCKDATWINS hatchet job, I assure you it’s not. I went into this piece with an open mind and came up with this. Sorry. Also, I’m writing a similar piece about the Marlins next week and the conclusion (80-83 wins, no playoffs) is the same, albeit for different reasons.)

(Note 2: I’m willing to expand this, further explaining my reasoning and analyzing individual players if some (likely GldnKnight) take issue with parts of this piece. I just didn’t want a 4,000 word piece on the Twins this week.)

Will the Curse be Reversed?!

This isn't the year is it? The Cubs are in first place in the NL Central and they also possess the best record in baseball. Needless to say, the bandwagon has hit the road, and much like the 2004 Red Sox, everyone and their retarded sister are getting on for the ride.

Except me.
Thus, I have written the "No Cubs, No!" remix to that catchy "Go Cubs, Go!" song which is played at Wrigley following a victory. The original is below:

Welcome all you Red Sox trash,
done with getting fucked in the ass
There’s a brand new bandwagon here-rr
So let’s all have an Old Style beer!

Everybody now, No Cubs No!, No Cubs No!
Bandwag’n jumpers are a waste of space,
they should fuckin’ get jacked in the face.

No Cubs No!, No Cubs No!
Bandwag’n jumpers are a waste of space,
they should fuckin’ get jacked in the face.

Its Bartman, Cartman, all your friends
Plus those cunts who puke in the stands
Get your jersey, have some fun-nn
Wait I forgot, you’ve got none.

(Please Lord) No Cubs No!, No Cubs No!
Bandwag’n jumpers are a waste of space,
they should fuckin’ get jacked in the face.

No Cubs No!, No Cubs No!
Bandwag’n jumpers are a waste of space,
they should fuckin’ get jacked in the face.

Fair Weather Fans are here again-n
Trav’lin from Boston to the heartland
1908, they say what’s that mean
Fuck it anyway, pass the green

(We’re sing-ing now), No Cubs No! (clap), No Cubs No! (clap)
Bandwag’n jumpers are a waste of space,
they should fuckin’ get jacked in the face.

-- No Cubs No! (clap),

No Cubs No! (clap)--

Bandwag’n jumpers are a waste of space,
they should fuckin’ get jacked in the face.

No Cubs No!, No Cubs No!
Bandwag’n jumpers are a waste of space,
they should fuckin’ get jacked in the face.

Man, I'm Pissed: Learn To Sit

(Man, I’m Pissed will be a semi-regular series detailing some aspect of life that leaves dmk angry. It may or may not be sports-related. The name Man, I’m Pissed originates from Hollaman of the 7^th Floor Crew, who in his memorable verse stated “Man, I’m pissed” after learning that a woman, while on the beach, would not engage in anal sex because the sand was burning her vagina.)

I eat lunch at the Grand Avenue Chipotle about three times a week. It’s a lovely setting for a Chipotle restaurant, with the wood paneling, glass windows, and outdoor seating located near trendy shops that attract ritzy, overtanned whores in revealing clothing. Nice. Because of these features, and the warm weather, I enjoy sitting outside.

Unfortunately, Chipotle’s outdoor seating is conducive to shitheads. The setup is as follows, with X representing chairs and O representing tables.

*Restaurant*

x O x x O x x O x x O x x O x x O x

*sidewalk*

Choosing a seat is not an extraordinarily difficult task for anyone possessing a G.E.D. Assume I am Z in the seating chart below:

Z O x x O x

Where do you, Y, sit? If you have common courtesy, you sit like this:

Z O x Y O x

That way you aren’t staring at me while you eat. That shit is awkward. Lately, though, I’ve run into a problem that has almost forced me to relocate my lunch ½ hour inside. People sit like this:

Z O x x O Y.

Meaning random cock-wrapper Y is staring at me during their entire meal.

Typically, people sitting this way are late forties females whose husbands haven't touched their fun parts in at least 9 months. They wear $400 shoes that don’t complement their botched botox injections well. It’s fucking depressing to look at, so I keep my head down while eating as to avoid any chance of eye contact. This irritates me, because when I have to keep my head down it’s tougher to spot attractive young females with massive self esteem issues. If my dick has taught me anything, besides “don’t put me in places that burn,” it’s that self esteem issues make conquering these women less difficult than defeating Magic Johnson in a T-cell count contest.

So, assholes who can’t sit correctly: get penetrated by a diseased jaguar. Your fuckwittery is keeping me from accumulating valuable spank bank material.

Georgia vs. Stanford CWS Live Blog

Good afternoon folks and welcome to the GldnKnight's first attempt at a live blog. Today we'll be watching the Georgia vs. Stanford College World Series game from Omaha. Stanford must beat the Bulldogs today and tomorrow to advance to the Championship Series, otherwise Georgia is the bracket representative.

Pregame: I'm chilling in the basement of pimpitude alone. Dmk is upstairs with our weekend guest, Henry the dog. Henry is my girlfriend's family's big-ass golden retriever. And when I say big-ass I mean big-ass. He's a 10 year old pooch that tops 100 pounds on the scale.

I've got a bag of Combos and a light brew in a frosted mug to help assist me in this process.

Our broadcasting team for today's game is Mike Patrick, Orel Hershiser, and the fairly disappointingly dressed Erin Andrews.

Pregame coverage talked about the two stars, Gordon Beckham (SS, Georgia) and Jason "Astro" Castro (C, Stanford). Also, there was a cute, and abrupt story, about Stanford 2B Cord Phelps who grew up near Stanford and was a big contributer in Stanford's two wins to get to this point.

Top of the first: Much of the talk is focused on Georgia's off-days leading up to today's game. According to Orel, their rhythm is likely disrupted because baseball is a rhythm sport and just like the Colorado Rockies, Georgia will have to overcome the rust. But of course, they've already won two games in the past 12 days so perhaps days off are the Bulldogs ally.

Three up and three down. Bleich looks good, but his ball is up right now and he isn't missing the bats. Beckham fouls out to Phelps behind first base for the final out.

Bottom of the first: Side story! We live in West Minneapolis and are less than a couple of miles from North Minneapolis, which is the Minnesota version of the South Side of Chicago. Today there is some sort of street party just north of our quiet neighborhood. On my way back to the house from Menards this morning (BTW, how kickass is Menards?) I was following a big SUV off of the highway and into our neighborhood. Shortly after pulling onto our street a large black arm threw two McDonalds bags and two drinks out of the passenger side window and onto the street and people's yard. Enjoy your 40's and Newports today. Jackass.

After a leadoff walk to Phelps, Beckham starts a double play and Castro grounds out to end the inning. End of 1, 0-0.

Top of the 2nd: Georgia cleanup hitter Rich Poythress leads off with a double down the third base line. Catcher Bryce Massanari pops out and Patrick mentions that his grandmother just passed away and his parents have left Omaha to attend to those matters. As much as I'm rooting for Stanford in this game, I wish the best for this kid in today's game. Bleich racks up his first strikeout of the day for the second out (I didn't catch the poor soul's name).


I haven't had Combos for years and I've obviously forgotten how delicious they are. I think I'll be doing my grocery shopping at Menards from this point on.

Joey Lewis fights off a 3-2 inside fastball into left field for a run-scoring single. Bleich lets a curveball slip and hits Lyle Allen between the 1's on his back. Runners on first and second with two outs. Let's see if the Cardinal ace can get himself out of here.

Yep. Platoon second baseman Miles Starr swings and misses at a nice curveball for strike three. Good sign for Bleich coming back to that pitch after missing so badly to Allen.

Through one and a half, 1-0 Georgia.

Bottom of 2nd: Erin Andrews opens with a report that 16 of the last 18 teams who have started the CWS 2-0 have advanced to the Championship Series. I'm really not digging her blue blouse today. It almost looks like something out of the Kathy Ireland maternity line. Side note! The other day when Rick Sutcliffe and Dave O'Brien were oogling over Erin in her canary (or as she called it: Spelling Bee) yellow shirt a Monday night MLB game, everyone commented on the scumbagness of Sut but no one seemed to hear that Erin claimed she was wearing that shirt "For a boy!" How am I the only one talking about this? Is she involved? Who is this douchebag? Unless it's Romo, I'm not okay with it!

Moreau (not the Twins first baseman Justin Morneau) gets two quick outs, a liner to Beckham and a strikeout. Sean Ratliff takes one off the hand for the second Stanford baserunner of the day. Patrick tells us that Stanford is hitting under .300 as a team for the season and like he says that's astonishing considering the other numbers some of the CWS teams have put up this year. North Carolina for example is hitting .325 as a team. I'll find Florida State's here soon and let you know.

Jeff Whitlow recovered nicely after chasing some pitches to single up the middle. Runners on first and second with two outs. Zach Jones just misses a tater foul past the left field pole then swings through strike three.

With two complete, Georgia still leads 1-0.

Top of the 3rd: This is the first CWS game I will have seen from first pitch to the final out and I'm excited about it. The weather is perfect to be outside on the lake or golf course, but I couldn't be happier sitting inside in the air conditioning watching TV.

Top of the order for the Dogs and Peisel lines a single to center. I do not have good feelings for Bleich's second trip through the order.

Florida State hit .355 as a team for the year. After you let that sink in, understand how crazy it is that Stanford is hitting .299 as a team and still makes it this far in the NCAA tournament. And yes, I'm well aware that OBP and SLG are more important statistics than BA, but Stanford only has a .375 OBP and .479 SLG as a team. Whereas, the Seminoles reached base at a .459 clip and slugged .565 as a team. Good lord.

Olson strikes out swinging. Big out for Bleich with Beckham standing on-deck. To continue the comparisons, Georgia is hitting .309/.392/.483 as a team.

Beckham singles on a ground ball through the hole on the left side. Poythress, who doubled and scored in his last at bat, doubles off the right field wall as Whitlow misses a difficult, but still catchable, ball. Patrick lets him off the hook slightly by mentioning the amount of sun he's dealing with out there. Only one runner scores, Beckham at third and Poythress on second. Still one out. Massanari, who's dealing with the death of a grandmother, works the count to 3 and 0 before Bleich intentionally walks him to load the bases.



Erin reports that Bleich's dad is a cardiologist and we get the obligatory shot of Mom and Dad sitting in the bleachers. I don't know if I've seen a cardiologist who weighs 300+ pounds before, but I certainly have now. Good god.

Matt Cerione chases a couple out of the zone and strikes out swinging. A single to left from Lewis drives in two runs. Immediately, Stanford's closer Drew Storen pops up and begins to get loose down in the Cardinal bullpen. Nevermind, Allen flies out to center. Three outs.

Two and a half complete and its 4-0 Bulldogs.

Bottom of the 3rd: Patrick makes it seem like do-or-die right now for the Cardinal. That's not true. They are still one swing away from tying the game up with 21 outs remaining. After a lead off walk to the nine hitter, Erin says the mood in the Stanford dugout is calm and relaxed but then contradicts herself by saying that head coach Marquess is constantly yelling at the top of his lungs and she wonders how he has any voice left after any games. It's okay, I'll forgive her if only because she looks like this:


Hard hit ball towards Georgia's third baseman Peisel and he kicks the ball around a bit before throwing late to first. First two runners on. And we are one swing away from a brand new game. Welcome to college baseball Mike Patrick. A walk leads to a bases loaded situation for Jason Castro. Big players shine in big moments. Let's see what this kid is made of.

After walking two of the first three hitters of the inning on 4 pitches, Castro stupidly swings at the first pitch and fouls it off his foot. Then he watches a much better pitch go by for strike two. Another fastball up and a slider in the dirt evens the count. Borderline call brings the count full. Castro chases a fastball up and in for the strikeout. Not overly impressed with his approach.

Dean Weaver comes out of the bullpen to relieve Moreau with one out in the third? Weaver is the Bulldogs best reliever outside of All-American closer Josh Fields. Why is Georgia playing like they are the ones who are one loss from elimination?

Mike Patrick doesn't really seem to understand what's going on, as he calls this an "elimination game". No it's not. For Stanford it is, but Georgia can lose and will still play again tomorrow. I'm still waiting for him to bring up Jamie Lynn Spears and her newborn baby. Odds on this happening today are standing strong at 5-1.

A lineout to right drives in the first Cardinal run of the day. Designated hitter Molina has a ground ball up the middle knocked down by the second baseman Starr, which saves a run. Bases juiced with two outs and Ratliff just misses a hanging curveball and flies to deep right center.

End of three, 4-1 UGA.

Top of 4: Leadoff single by 2B Starr and Erin is talking to a mom of one of the Stanford kids who takes pictures of the team and Erin asks her how hard it is to take pictures while your son is pitching. Apparently this woman is the second coming of Mother Theresa because she does this voluntarily and she is also part scout and coach because she sends the players pictures of them while swinging or pitching to help them see where they may be struggling. Pretty sure I don't need Mrs. Cleaver to tell me that I'm lunging at breaking pitches when I have 5 assistant coaches sitting in the dugout who are highly paid to do the exact same thing.

Another single, a sac bunt, and an intentional walk to Beckham brings up Poythress with the bases loaded and one out. Bleich desperately needs a double play.

Nevermind, Marquess isn't going to give him the chance. Pitching change for the Cardinal.

During the commercial break, I realized that I haven't seen but one non-white player for either team. Some research reveals that Georgia has only one Latino player and no black players. Despite the racial overtones of the south, I'm still very surprised that's all there is.

Meet Evan Tieles, odd man out:

Storen immediately gives up a two-run single to Poythress, who's 3-for-3, and gets the second out on an infield popup. With runners on first and second, Cerione strikes out for the third time today.

Heading to the bottom of the fourth and it's 6-1 Georgia.

Bottom 4: Well the one black player from Stanford is now done for the day, as Joey August pitch hits for Whitlow. Quickly there are two outs, and Weaver is throwing strikes and looking good. Cardinal shortstop Schlander lines a single to right to get the home team back to the top of the lineup.

For some reason, Orel is talking about some place where the Kennedy's went honeymooning. What. The. Fuck.

Schlander's single paid off, as Phelps triples to right-center. It's only the third hit for the Cardinal but that's a big boost for the Stanford psyche. Wild pitch scores Phelps from third and they've answered the Bulldogs top half. Ground ball to short ends the inning.

6-3 Georgia through four.

Top of the 5th: Stanford, repping the academic private school diversity, has at least two black players and one player of Asian descent. They also have a coach of Asian descent. Good for them.

I missed the first out, but Allen damn near took off Storen's head with a single up the middle. Starr follows with an awkward infield single. Gotta love aluminum bats.

Speaking of aluminum bats, there's a fly ball that carries (with some aid from the wind) out of the park for a three-run home run off the bat of Peisel.

Olson hammers one into right-center for a double. Apparently that's his first hit in three CWS games. Patrick makes it seem like he's been mired in some three week slump, rather than going hitless in two and a half games.

Storen is getting shelled and there's something to be said for bringing in a guy into a situation that he is unaccustomed to. Especially for a 19 year old college kid. You've trained them and coached them to do one thing and then when it matters most you ask him to do something you haven't worked with him on all year.

Poythress is retired for the first time flying out to center.

And it's complete! 9-3 Dogs.

Bottom of five: Apparently, the Georgia team have had time to enjoy themselves in Omaha between their two games in 12 days, even eating at some place called Zesto. Erin says that when they found out on Thursday night that their game vs. Stanford originally scheduled for Friday was pushed back to today, a couple of the players called head coach Dave Perno to tell (not ask) him they were going out because he had told them to enjoy their time in the Heartland. Good for them. I want hang out with them and their minority-hating clan.

A bloop single from Castro leads off the inning for Stanford. Milleville follows with a liner to right. And very quickly there are two on and no out. Molina, who says his one wish for the 21st century is world peace, lines out to right for the first out. Weaver gets the second out on a pop out to left. Joey August follows by singling in Castro.

The rally caps are out in the Cardinal dugout, as we see one of the two black Stanford players wearing ten or so hats stacked on top of his head.

Doesn't work, as Weaver gets the third out on a swinging strike out.

We've been here for over two hours and we are just now through the fifth. Georgia leading comfortably but Stanford is not going away without a fight. 9-4.

Top of 6: I could have sworn there were a couple errors in the field, but a generous score keeper there in Omaha has awarded nothing but basehits to both sides.

Robin Yount's nephew is now pitching for Stanford and he gets the first hitter to fly out to right-center for the first out.

Side note! I love Stanford's uniforms. The V-Neck pullover is a great look. When I'm the head coach of a college team someday, we are going to wear the pullover complete with sans-a-belt pants. I want to feel like I'm in my pajamas while sitting on a bucket in the dugout.


Apparently, Austin Yount's (P, Stanford) dad is Larry, who is also Robin's brother. Larry was warming up in the bullpen for his first major league appearance and after being announced as the next pitcher, threw one more warm-up toss and blew out his elbow. Twenty years ago, this ended his career and although his name is in the Baseball Encyclopedia (because he was announced) he never threw a pitch in a major league game. Tough break Lawrence.

Georgia down in the top half of the sixth quickly and quietly, although I'm not quite sure what happened. I had my hand in the bag of Combos too much apparently.

Still 9-4 Georgia.

Bottom 6: Nine-hitter Joey August is retired, bringing up the top of the Cardinal lineup and Cord Phelps. Grounder to second for out number two. Gerhart grounds one right underneath Peisel's glove at third bringing up Castro. If that's not an error, then I don't know what is. Castro ends the inning with a foul out to the first baseman.

Georgia 9 - Stanford 4.

Top of the Seventh: Dmk and Hank the Dog have now joined me in the basement of pimpitude and both promptly fell asleep. I took Hank for a two-mile walk this morning, and for a 100-pound 10 year-old golden retriever in 80 degree heat, that's reason enough to take a mid-afternoon nap. Dmk has no such excuse. He hasn't even taken the effort to put a shirt on yet today.

After a leadoff walk to Allen, Yount handles the sac bunt attempt from Starr and throws out the lead runner at second. Peisel flies out to center.

On Peisel's trek back to the dugout we see Erin standing in the Bulldog dugout reading over her notes. I guess I find it interesting that she's actually in the dugout and not in the media bin just beyond the dugouts. Plus, if I was a bench player for the Dogs I'd be doing anything to get her attention. Most likely, I'd be up on the top step of the dugout showing off my best attribute: my ass. Think Lloyd Christmas in Dumb & Dumber hanging out by the bar and putting out the vibe. That'd be me.

Olson grounds out to second to end the inning.

9, 13 and 1 for Georgia. 4, 8 and 0 for Stanford.

Bottom Seven: Milleville grounds to Beckham whose throw takes Poythress off the bag. Error by the shortstop. Another of Georgia's stellar bullpen arms, Alex McRee, is now on the bump and he drops the hammer over for a called third. Ratliff draws a walk after a great at-bat, and there are two runners on with one out. Orel correctly points out that Stanford has not had a one, two, three inning since the first and just hasn't yet had the big hit. Perhaps they are due...

Damn! So close. August drives one to left but Allen awkwardly snags it while backpedaling near the warning track. A wild pitch advances both runners into scoring position for Alex Jones, who works the count full before skying one to Allen for the third out.

Patrick reports that Stanford has stranded 10 runners through seven innings.

Georgia still enjoying a 5-run cushion.

Top of the 8th: Back-to-back doubles down the left field line by Beckham and Poythress extends the lead to six. A deep fly out to right allows Poythress to advance to third.

The best part of the telecast in my opinion. Patrick and Hershiser are discussing where they might go eat tonight, and they ask Erin who mentions a local buffet. Patrick says that because Erin is wearing a dress already she's prepped for a trip through the buffet line. Any time we can combine talk of a buffet with Erin in a dress is a good time.

Yount gets the last two outs without any more damage.

Six outs left for the Cardinal and they need six runs. 10-4.

Bottom of the 8th: McRee still on for Georgia. I'm still hoping to see Fields today.

Erin mentions that Matt Cerione has struck out five times today for Georgia. He's struck out more times than any of his teammates, and even with a six-run lead in the eighth he still slammed his bat against the water cooler. Good attitude kid, way to have a grasp on what's important.

Strikeout, groundout, walk, and a strikeout looking sends us to the ninth. Still 10-4.

Top of 9: Yount still throwing for Stanford. He's done a nice job keeping things relatively close giving up only one run in his 3+ innings of work.

Groundout.

Strikeout.

David Stringer brought in to relieve Yount. Another interesting pitching move. Wonder if Yount reached some sort of pitch count limit. On second thought, it appears Stringer is a senior and is a Palo Alto product and Marquess brought him in to get a taste of the CWS. Patrick and Orel point out in fact that this is a classy move. Stringer lists the one place in the world that he'd like to visit as Omaha.

Stringer's a little amped up and misses on four straight to Peisel, but gets Olson to line out to right for the third out.

Do-or-die. 10-4 Georgia, heading to the bottom of the ninth.

Bottom of the ninth: AP Closer of the Year, Josh Fields on for the Bulldogs. Stanford will have to score six against the best closer in the country.

Milleville, Molina, and Ratliff are due up for the Cardinal.

Fields has two dominant pitches. A fastball that reaches 95 and a 12-to-6 curveball that rolls it at 81-82 MPH.

Milleville takes a Herculean swing with two strikes and Fields blows a 95 MPH heater by him. One out.

Fields seems a little unhappy with the strike zone as he walks Molina on five pitches.

I have to agree with him. The umpire might be overwhelmed with Fields' stuff as he gives each team a pitch in Ratliff's at-bat. Ratliff singles to left and Molina decides to take a risk and luckily reaches third safely. Dumb baseball, can't give away outs right now.

Joey August goes down swinging on a 82 MPH curve in the dirt. Pitch before was a 96 MPH fastball at his eyes. Tough, tough, tough.

Colin Walsh comes off the bench for the Cardinal as they are down to their last out. Can anyone say clutch?

Sort of. Walsh pulls a fastball through the hole between first and second driving in a run.

If it ain't broke don't fix it. Another pinch hitter for Stanford. Ben Clowe tries to get his club back to the top of the order. Fields is definitely struggling to locate his stuff, and Orel points out that will be his Achilles heal at the next level until he can command his two pitches.

Clowe yanks a 3-2 fastball over the leftfield wall. Three runs in and it's 10-8 with Cord Phelps strolling to the plate. Castro (the potential winning run) is in the hole.

After falling behind 2-0 to Phelps, the Georgia pitching coach pays a visit to his closer. Fields works it back to 3-2 before Phelps fouls off two more fastballs. Where's the curveball?

Doesn't need it. Phelps hits high fly to center for the final out.

Georgia advances to the Championship Series and awaits either Fresno State or North Carolina. Just out of spite for Roy Williams and his attention-hungry ego, I'm rooting for the Bulldog vs. Bulldog matchup.

Good night folks. Thanks for staying with us.

dmk Shows You How To Fill Up A Box

An All-Star Ballot Box, that is.

Like voting in political elections, voting for All-Stars is a complete fucking waste of time. Your one vote means nothing. If you happen to be an informed voter, all the research you’ve done to make sure you’ve got a firm grasp on the pertinent issues and optimum solutions is just going to be cancelled out by some dumbfucks whose voting privileges should have been revoked moments after they were conceived in the back of a conversion van. I suggest you all follow me and forego voting in favor of more productive activities. Like, for example, training for this.

However, if I did All-Star voting, which I don’t, here’s how I’d fill out my ballots. I’m only picking the starters. I’m dividing up the OF into LF, CF, and RF instead of just taking 3 outfielders, and I’m selecting a starting pitcher as well, even if fans don’t vote for them.

When filling out the ballots, I consider who is the best player this season and then, if the results are pretty similar, historically. If it’s close, I go with the better historical player. How an individual's team is doing has no bearing on my decisions. For example, if A-Rod and Evan Longoria were having similarly productive seasons (they aren’t), I’d vote for A-Rod. Quibble with that if you will. I couldn't care less.

I’m writing this based on numbers as they currently stand and without taking into account how these players will perform the rest of the way. So if Kevin Youkilis falls down a mineshaft tomorrow and you look at this in two weeks and say “OMGHowCuldUHaveVoted4Youkilis!!11!,” you can get fucked.

Catcher: Joe Mauer, Minnesota Twins

Not even close. I still think Mauer is the type of guy who’d date rape your sister, and he's frustrating to watch, but he’s the best catcher in the AL. Varitek is only leading because of the whole Red Sox FAHCKIN Nation factor. Mauer surpasses Varitek in nearly every statistical category. A.J. Pierzynski should back him up.

First Base: Kevin Youkilis, Boston Red Sox

Thanks to Miguel Cabrera pulling a GldnKnight, first base comes down to Jason Giambi, Kevin Youkilis, and Justin Morneau. Offensively, Giambi is the superior player, having about a 30 point lead on Morneau and a 20 point lead on Youkilis in OBP and hitting for more power. Giambi has been fucking awful defensively (.649 RZR), though, while Youkilis (.721) and Morneau (.730) are both average. VORP and WARP show small differences between Youkilis and Morneau, as do RC and win shares.

I went for Youkilis over Morneau because of the slight OBP advantage and the fact he’s hit for more power. Giambi, Youkilis, and Morneau are all defensible choices.

Second Base: Brian Roberts, Baltimore Orioles

Roberts narrowly edges Texas Ranger Ian Kinsler. Roberts and Kinsler are about equal at the plate, but Roberts is much better defensively (10 FRAA to -7 FRAA and an advantage in RZR). You can’t go wrong with either of these two. Just don’t pick Dustin fucking Pedroia.

Shortstop: Orlando Cabrera, Chicago White Sox

AL SS boils down to Orlando Cabrera, Derek Jeter, and Michael Young. Cabrera (15 FRAA, .881 RZR) is vastly superior defensively to both Young (8 FRAA, .849 RZR) and Jeter ( -11 FRAA, .849 RZR), whereas Young has a slight edge offensively on Cabrera and Jeter, with none of them lighting the world on fire. Cabrera’s defensive prowess over Young and Jeter garner him the starting nod, but if you’d rather take the offensively inclined Young, that’s ok.

Third Base: Alex Rodriguez, New York Yankees

A-Rod's an easily hateable fuckwit, but he’s also one of the best players in baseball both offensively and defensively. There’s no close second here.

Left Field: Johnny Damon, New York Yankees

I cannot stand this asshat. But he’s far superior defensively (.918 RZR, 6 FRAA) to both Manny Ramirez (.824 RZR, -1 FRAA) and Carlos Quentin (.809 RZR, -5 FRAA), and he’s getting on base at a higher clip than Ramirez and Quentin, thus mitigating their power advantage. Since all three have similar offensive productivity, Damon’s defensive advantage vaults him into the starting lineup.

Center Field: Josh Hamilton, Texas Rangers

Hamilton’s awesome offensively and, I guess, passable defensively. Actually, he’s kinda not so great defensively, but his offense makes up for it. Grady Sizemore is having a hell of a year too.

Right Field: J.D. Drew, Boston Red Sox

Drew is better offensively (OBP, VORP, SLG, OPS+, EQA) and defensively (RZR, FRAA) than any of the other RF contenders. If you want to discount him because he has over 50 fewer plate appearances than most other right fielders, that’s fine. Then take Nick Markakis. Otherwise J.D. should be starting.

Starting Pitcher: Cliff Lee, Cleveland Indians

It comes down to Shawn Marcum or Cliff Lee, and the final decision has nothing to do with wins; Marcum’s peripherals indicate he’s been a victim of bad luck and could easily have the win total of Lee. Their strikeout rates and ERA’s are only marginally different, with Lee giving up about two more hits but walking one less batter per nine innings, leading him to have a slightly higher WHIP. However, Lee has a distinct advantage in DERA, which is mostly due to Lee's .306 BABIP compared to Marcum’s .228 BABIP. This disparity is the primary factor in Lee having allowed more hits than Marcum. When their BABIP regress to the mean, conventional numbers will show Lee is the superior pitcher, assuming he doesn’t regress to his previous career rates in other categories (his BB/9 and H/9 are below his career rates and his K/9 are above career rates).

Special mention for Scott Kazmir, who if healthy all season would probably be the AL SP.

NL Ballot coming next week

Saturday's CWS Live Blog

Come back at 1pm CST tomorrow for the GldnKnight's live blog of the Georgia vs. Stanford game from Omaha.

Topics of conversation may include, but are not limited to, smart kids who are also kickass at baseball, Erin Andrews, Bulldogs (the style of mooning not the pet), and dumb draft choices.

I'll see both of you tomorrow!

Paul Pierce Is The MVP?

Wow. Looks like this time KG got stabbed in the back.

Hey Wang, Quit Taking Pictures Of The Parking Lot

Well, I guess you can now, considering you won't be pitching for the rest of 2008 anyway.

The Hank Steinbrenner era, everyone!

Attention: Bloomington, Minnesota Residents

Of our approximately 10 regular readers, a few either reside in or frequently frequent Bloomington, Minnesota. The next time you guys are looking for some hip cats to kick it with, or happen to leave the Valley Lounge with the wrong female, I suggest you hit up my boys Petey and Pokey. They're good shit.

HT: Deadspin

Is The Man in the Black Hat Javon???

If it is, it could be the last picture of him as a professional athlete.

And Down The Stretch They Come

Tiger and Rocco are currently tied heading into the final four holes. Most of you are at work and missing what has turned into a fantastic final day. Fortunately for you, while in class and at my "job" I have no restrictions on my computer use. What follows will be a live blog of the final four holes.

15th

To begin with, I know dick about golf. Please keep that in mind.

You have to admire Rocco's performance thus far. Coming back from three strokes down to tie Tiger heading into the final four holes? Mr. Mediate has some huge, brass balls that deserve a gentle fellating from a lucky young female tonight.

Tiger gets himself in potentially a shit ton of trouble with a shot into the sand.

usopen.com's streaming feed is kind of bullshit, so I'm not getting all that I wanted out of this.

Both Tiger and Rocco putting for birdie here. Tiger is closer after a nice shot out of the sand.

Rocco with a beautiful, like, 18 foot birdie putt. I suck at estimating, so it may be closer to 15 or 20.

On a related note, right now my professor is lecturing about the divisibility of contingency fees upon dissolution of marriage. If you're interested.

Tiger's birdie putt goes long, and Rocco will have a lead heading into the 16th. Tiger saves par.

Heading into the 16th Rocco is even and Tiger is +1.

16th

Tiger's tee shot is in the fairway. Nice.

If you're the type of person who yells "get in the hole!!!!" at a golf tournament, you can get raped by a rhino.

While watching the match, live blogging, and attempting to feign interest in class, I'm also trying to get some work done for my Wednesday meeting. Fortunately, I've multi-tasked before. Like that time I constructed an Ikea coffee table while I was also cooking chicken cordon bleu and helping Colonel Cool undergo evasive measures to avoid a positive paternity test.

Holy shit. Rocco just misses a like 60 foot put from outside the green. I almost jumped out of my chair, which certainly would have earned me a pink slip for the day.

And Tiger's birdie putt, also from way the fuck out, stops at the lip of the cup. Holy shit. Again.

Rocco and Tiger both tap in. Tiger's still a stroke back heading into the final two holes.

17th

Hey, Seattle fired Bill Bavasi today. About time. Bavasi's job running the Mariners resembled G.O.B.'s job running the Bluth company.

The video is slowing down because SOME GODDAMN CUMCHUGGING ASSHOLES KEEP HOGGING MY BANDWITH. Pay attention to class, fuckers.

Tiger's shot from the fairway looks to be damn near, if not on, the green. But the video skipped, and now I'm looking at Rocco set up for his shot from the short rough.

Again, the video skipped, but I'm assuming I'm looking at Rocco's lie, in which case he has a long, but puttable, shot here.

Tiger lining up for his putt and he pars the hole to remain at +1. Rocco also saves par and keeps his one stroke lead heading into the final hole.

18th

My professor is fucking eyeing me and is probably going to call me out here. I'm sitting in the back row, looking only at my computer screen, and typing much more than I normally do. This live blog could end abruptly and badly.

Fucker just called for group exercises after a 10 minute break, meaning I might miss the finale on 18th because of some impractical bullshit. Man, I'm pissed.

You know, yesterday I was rooting for Tiger, but today I'm all about Rocco's modern life.

Tiger's tee shot on 18th is in the fairway.

I should mention that I haven't seen Tiger call in the whambulance on his knee yet today. It might have happened - I haven't seen all that much besides these last 6 or so holes, and that has been on choppy video. But if he blows it here, I'm sure we'll hear about the knee extensively in the post-match press conference.

Tiger lining up for his approach shot from the fairway.

Rocco's 3rd shot is from the fairway. Come on Rocco.

Rocco's on, but with like a 25 foot shot for birdie.

Tiger has a longass eagle putt opportunity here. It's long and to the right, but he should be able to hit birdie without any difficulty.

Rocco's getting ready to putt to win the Open, and this shit keeps freezing. FUCK.

He goes long on the 20 footer. I have no idea what happens if they're tied after 18, other than we get more drama.

Tiger's lining up for his birdie putt to force a tie. He jackhammers it.

Rocco sinks it for par, and we're tied after 90 holes at Torrey Pines.

Sudden Death

We're playing the 7th hole. I think. I don't have the sound on, for obvious reasons.

We're going into small groups, so I might have to clock out for a bit. FUCK YOU, YOU KANGAROO FUCKING FUCK. (my prof is Australian)

I missed the tee shots. Rocco's hitting his 2nd shot from the sand. His lie isn't terribly deep, but it's not good either.

Rocco's shot is not good. He's, like, near the crowd and shit. His shot might have gone off the bleachers - my video was, again, choppy. As I remarked at one point on Saturday when Rocco was playing like shit, it's tough to play golf with both hands wrapped around your neck.

Hehe. Some girl in front of me got busted for watching this. +1, me.

Jesus. Rocco's in the deep rough. Good luck buddy.

Tiger has a putt here to win the championship. And he fucking shorts it, but it won't matter, as Rocco narrowly misses a 20 footer. Balls.

Rocco fucked himself over with his tee shot in the bunker and then his shot off the bleachers. Still, all guts from Rocco today, matching history's best golfer for 18 holes only to lose in sudden death. He deserved better.

Tiger Woods is the 2008 U.S. Open Champion. If you didn't hear, he did it with a bum knee. Congratulations to Tiger. I don't really like golf, but even I can get on board with these last few days.

Instant Goosebumps

Courtesy of Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary

Main Entry: clutch

Function: adjective

Date: 1944

1 : made or done in a crucial situation
2 : successful in a crucial situation
3 : Tiger Fucking Woods

A Grand F-cking Jury?!?

This is absolutely fucking absurd. From WGR

Bills owner Ralph Wilson, chief operating officer Russ Brandon along with three players among others have been subpoenaed to divulge their knowledge of the hit-and-run accident involving a vehicle registered to running back Marshawn Lynch's name. A police source tells WGRZ-TV that the Bills' personnel refused to answer questions about the incident and referred police to their attorneys.

The DA in this case must be up for re-election. Subpoenaing players to testify before a grand jury in a misdemeanor is unheard of and, frankly, ridiculous. Asking the team owner and COO is completely out of line. The chances of Lynch confessing to Ralph fucking Wilson are slim to none; the chances of a near 90 year old man remembering the details aren't much higher.

This is a waste of the court's time and taxpayer money. The maximum penalty in this situation is a fine and 1 year in jail; as an offender with no criminal history, Lynch, if found guilty, would likely receive probation and a fine unless some asshat judge decided to make an example of Lynch, which I suppose could happen since he's a prominent black athlete. The real problem for Lynch will come from Goodell's arbitrary hand of justice (I expect a 2-4 game suspension). Compiling a grand jury to hear this testimony is so fucking stupid from both a legal and common sense standpoint that I can't even think of an appropriate sexually related analogy.

Look, whoever was in the car is a douchebag. Leaving the scene of an accident is a chickenshit thing to do. Still, you don't get a grand jury involved for a misdemeanor. Ever. Threaten those refusing to cooperate with fucking obstructing justice charges if you must, but the grand jury is out of line. Colonel Cool will corroborate this opinion as well, if he knows what's good for him.

Garbage. Whale shit. Waste of resources. Take your pick.

I hate lawyers.

Paul Shirley's Book Talk

Well kids, Colonel Cool is back despite by popular demand. Although I’m sure no one has really noticed my absence from the site during the last few weeks, I wanted let you know that I am still alive (sorry to disappoint you dmk, GldnKnight, mom, everyone in the world that wishes I was dead). The reason for my absence was: (1) my work monitors what I look at on the internet and requires me to bill specific hours and show what I did during that time, (2) I’m extremely lazy, (3) I’ve had nothing cool to talk about, (4) I’ve been travelling, (5) I’ve been on a drinking binge, or (6) I was kidnapped…you can choose which justification you would like to believe or make one up for yourself.

Anyway, last night I was fortunate enough to be in lovely Des Moines, Iowa when Paul Shirley was scheduled to speak at the public library. I snorkeled my way downtown and arrived about 15 minutes before the show was scheduled to tip-off. Even though I was pretty early, I walked to the corner of the room where a woman was sitting at a desk with a cash box and only two remaining copies of Shirley’s book “Can I Keep My Jersey?” As I approached the table, the woman asked me: “how can I help you?” Although she did not find me response that I wanted two hot dogs, a popcorn, and a large Coke very funny, I am a firm believer that a stupid question warrants a stupid answer. I did purchase one of the two remaining copies of the book and she noted that this was far and away the best turnout of this Authors Series. As I made my way to an open seat, I couldn’t help but notice that people always sit on the outsides of the rows first, so you have no choice to climb over them...for some reason that couldn’t piss me off more. Looking around the room I estimated that there were about 250 people in attendance and the room was relatively full. The people in attendance varied in age, but most were over the age of 40. At 7:00 (when the talk was supposed to start) some lady from the library went up to the podium and said into the microphone, “we are having some difficulties with the microphone, but we’ll get it taken care of and start soon.” While I thought about the irony of this, I couldn’t help but hear the two old men next to me talk about the NRA: welcome to Iowa.

The mic problem was quickly fixed and Shirley walked to the stage and sat down. I was took instance notice of how hot Shirley’s girlfriend was as she made her way to her seat in the front row. Good work Paul. The moderator made some opening comments jotted down in my notebook how down to earth Shirley looked: he was wearing khaki shorts, a short-sleeved button up shirt, and the casual Adidas shoe that everyone either has or knows someone who does. I was instantly intrigued by what Shirley would say when the moderated asked for suggestions for future author talks and made some stupid remark like “keep in mind we probably can’t get John Grisham to come.” There were a few fake laughs from the crowd, but Shirley turned his head and gave her a look like “what the fuck?” He expression captured my thoughts in a priceless manner.

For some reason a local sports radio host felt the need to also introduce Shirley (and shamelessly promote his show). Radio guy noted that Shirley was from Kansas and decided to play college ball in Iowa, just the opposite of guys like Kirk Hinrich, Raef LaFrentz, and Nick Collison who grew up in Iowa and played at the University of Kansas. The first words out of Shirley’s mouth were: “wow, that was probably the worst trade ever. Me for Hinrich, LaFrentz, and Collison…sorry about that everyone.” This comedic and self-deprecating comment set the tone for the remainder of the night.

Shirley stood up on the stage and nearly hit his head on the ceiling. He decided it would be a better move to stand in front of the stage and spent the rest of his talk there. Shirley began by telling the crowd that he didn’t have any big speech prepared and encouraged questions from the crowd to guide him. He said that he was on some allergy medication and hadn’t slept much since coming back from Spain two days ago. He transitioned this into a beautiful Mitch Hedberg reference talking about how you could always tell what drugs the late-comedian was on based on how he spoke and acted on stage, but I think three people got the joke.

Shirley then went into how he made his way into the NBA and how he began writing. For those of you who don’t know, Shirley started writing bulk emails to his friends and family about his experiences overseas and they really enjoyed them. Then when Shirley was a member of the Phoenix Suns, the internet guys for the team asked him if he’d like to contribute some comments and observations to the website. Although they did not expect him to be able to put together coherent sentences, much less witty narratives, the blog quickly gained popularity. Shirley mentioned from the get-go that he is a little bit ADD, and he showed it early on by stopping midsentence to say hi to the former Iowa State sports information director that he noticed in the crowd. He then made his way back on topic and talked about how Kevin Garnett is the most impressive and distinguished humans he’s ever met…and Kobe Bryant is not.

Some other little things that were funny:

- There was a noise in the hallway and he stopped midsentence to say “uh, I think someone just died in the hallway. Someone might want to go check on that.”

- A group of teenagers who were most likely on a field trip (as they all had nametags) got up and left and Shirley went and put his head down and leaned against the wall. He then said “couldn’t you guys have left little by little, pretended to go to the bathroom and snuck out of something…am I really that boring up here?” He then said that he felt like he failed those kids, who were probably thinking “yo Paul, you suck…I’m out.”

- Shirley made a TV pilot about…well, his life, and spent $3.5 million of foxes money on the show which didn’t even get picked up

- Greece had the craziest crowd he’d ever seen: they would shoot roman candles over the court at people on the opposite side.

- He doesn’t want to coach because he wants out of basketball. Plus, he wouldn’t be able to decide if he wanted to be like Dennis Hopper (a stumbling old drunk) or Gene Hackman (hard-nosed and inspiring) from the movie Hoosiers.

- Shirley wants to go back to grad school, but before he gets too old and becomes that creepy old guy…or at least the creepiest oldest guy.

The thing that I found the most interesting was when Shirley began to explain why he continues to play professional basketball even though his writing is very critical of his job, especially the NBA. He pointed out that although he is happy most of the time and has made a few really good guys in the league, that’s not what people want to read about. He then spoke about how writing is cathartic and a great release for him, and although I didn’t know it was possible, it made him seem even more human. I couldn’t help but compare him to a center that played for the team at my division III undergrad…I kept thinking to myself, God, he’s just like Tavaris (note: not real name). I think that’s what really draws people to Paul Shirley (especially all the white folk in Iowa): he’s played in the NBA, but there’s just something so real about him. He can go from talking about the time he met Shaq to say that sometimes when shooting free throws he gets so self-conscious that he thinks 15,000 are going to boo him, his girlfriend will dump him, and he’ll end up dying of syphilis in the streets like Edgar Allen Poe.

Shirley concluded by saying that he had a great time in the NBA, but there’s more to life. He felt that he was truly lucky because he had some great experiences, but more so because he gave everything he had to achieve his dream and that’s something most people never get a chance to do. Although a little cheesy, I thought it was a nice conclusion and at that point I could have sat and listened to him tell stories or read the phone book and I would have been intrigued. I would definitely say that going to his talk was the best thing that I’ve done during my time here in Iowa, but let’s be honest, that’s not saying much.