Still, for all its positives, comparing college football to the NFL is like comparing double bagging to raw dogging; it’s not even close to the same thing. The biggest pro for college football is intangible bullshit like “the atmosphere” and “the in-stadium feel.” Now, this might be true – for those lucky enough to attend a big time college football game in a big time college football stadium. I don’t doubt attending a Michigan-Ohio St., Florida-LSU, or USC-Notre Dame game is superior to any NFL regular season game – and probably any NFL playoff game. Having attended both top 10 FSU-Miami showdowns and Super Bowls, I’d rather attend the FSU-Miami game.
But for those who watch nearly all their football on TV – as I, and 99% of people, do – the NFL is king shit. Once you take out the atmosphere that can only be experienced by in-stadium attendance, you’re left with the on-field product as your source of entertainment. And it’s inarguable the NFL is a superior on-field product. Indicative of college football's level of play, Danny Weurffel and Eric Crouch were once judged the sport's superior players. For any major athletic endeavor, this is a complete embarrassment. Crouch would agree – and in fact, he did, when he called me last week to see if I was interested in purchasing a new car insurance policy. Pete Carroll – Pete Carroll!!! – is one of the best college coaches in the nation. Jesus.
Now that I’ve established my position in the NFL-College debate, I can begin my exercise in futility that is: Bang the Champ. Many people write weekly NFL columns. Some are begrudgingly good. Some are stupidly entertaining. Others are exercises in partial birth abortion. This one will be closer to the latter than the former.
I’m going to do my best to write an actual column and avoid just picking games – particularly picking them straight up. That’s stupid. Any asshole can do that. If you watch a moderate amount of the NFL and aren’t picking against the spread, there’s no reason for you not to pick 60% of the games correctly. The past few years I’ve done a straight up pick’em pool and have never fallen below the 65% mark. That shouldn’t be construed as bragging. It’s just having a general understanding of football.
For the column's initial hymen-piercing, I’ll be giving lazy, ignorant, half-witted paragraph previews of all NFL teams.So basically be what you’ve come to expect from me. If you add up the wins and losses, it will mathematically make sense, unlike the predictions at some other websites. Sure, I’m lazy, but I adhere to the laws of math. I've even thought out all these records. There’s logic behind them, believe it or not. I just don’t feel like writing 500 words defending each prediction. Reading that is a waste of your time. Mine? Not so much. It’s either write them or complete my whiskey funnel. If you want an individual team preview, let me know and I'll post it.
New England: Boston is a volcano of douche, but this is still far and away the best team in the division. Primarily because the division sucks. 14-2.
New York Jets: Yes, they added Brett Favre. He’ll help. But my favorite New York Jet remains the one piloted by Cory Lidle. 8-8.
Buffalo: If you can name 5 Bills players without looking up the roster, I’ll buy you a beer. Gldnknight excepted, since he watches nearly every game with me at the bar. 8-8.
(Speaking of GldnKnight: Until mid-November, we won't be seeing much of him around these parts. The thought of voting for Sarah Palin’s combination of looks and political platform will probably keep his pants firmly planted around his ankles. If you hold stock in any hand-lotion companies, you're about to be rich.)
Miami: Italians shouldn’t run football teams. Stick to things you’re good at, like making pasta, trampling toadstools, committing random acts of genocide, and beating women. 5-11.
Pittsburgh: While the schedule likely would have killed you anyway, addressing your biggest weakness, the offensive line, would have been a step in the right direction. Oh well. You still have the most valuable young commodity in the game. Even if he is a flaming retard. 9-7.
Cincinnati: On ladies night, Marvin Lewis couldn’t guide a group of Dukies to a bar serving free GHB. 6-10.
Baltimore: Like this column, the Ravens’ offense is more poorly constructed than a Vince Flynn novel. 5-11.
Jacksonville: Sure, Silky Garrard is bound to come back to Earth. And they don’t have any WRs, and their coach has the intelligence of your average St. Olaf graduate. But they can run the fuck out of the ball, and Garrard will make enough plays to keep them afloat. Plus, the defense is nasty. 12-4
Indianapolis: One day, the Peyton-era Colts will relinquish their throne. Now seems as good a time as any. If Peyton’s out for an extended period of time, this prediction is reduced to 8-8. (Side note: what ever happened to that whole “Marvin Harrison is a shady motherfucker who might have tried to kill someone” story?) 11-5.
Houston: In any other division, this is a playoff team. Who would have thought that Mario Williams would actually be a better pick than Reggie Bush? Besides Charley Casserly, of course. 9-7.
Tennessee: If you can’t throw, you can’t win. And Vince Young can’t throw, unless it’s bows at a “keep it on the down low” night. 7-9.
San Diego: Shawn Merriman had four separate doctors tell him he should have season ending surgery, yet he’s planning on playing out the season. Retard. When Merriman inevitably gets Alvin Mack-ed, his loss is going to set back the Chargers enough for them to miss out on a first round bye, which will cost them the AFC title. 10-6.
Denver: If you haven’t, read Stefan Fatsis’ book. It comes dmk recommended, which is like a safe-sex technique being recommended by Tommy Morrison. You’ll learn new and interesting things, such as: Jake Plummer is tits; Jay Cutler is a cocksucker; Jason Elam may or may not be a good guy (it’s tough to tell); Al Wilson is a bad motherfucker; and Stefan Fatsis is a fantastic writer, but he’d probably be fairly irritating to hang out with. Fatsis tells a great narrative but begins to harp a bit too much on him actually being part of the team, which is complete bullshit. Even real kickers aren't football players. Still, it’s a great book. 8-8.
Oakland: Like San Francisco, only with criminals instead of gays! And blacks instead of Asians! I suppose those distinctions are redundant. 6-10.
Kansas City: Brodie Croyle is the QB. I’d rather sit through a Scrubs marathon than watch that asshole play for three hours. 3-13.
Dallas: This team should be fun. Who doesn’t want to see the Double J accept the Lombardi trophy while Jessica wraps her tits around Romo’s cooter hook? 13-3.
New York: Did we forget that the Giants were a slightly above average team for the vast majority of 2007? They only turned it on for the final 5 or so games. Which is more representative of the Giants’ skill level – the final 5 games or the previous 15 games? I’m betting the previous 15, meaning they were a good but not great team last year and they’ll be a good but not great team again.
Also, nice facial hair, Eli. You look like Cartman in the Scott Tenorman South Park episode. Let’s hope you don’t feed someone’s parents to them. 9-7.
Philadelphia: This isn’t a bad team. Still, like parenting in the Reid family, the Eagles leave things to be desired. 9-7.
Washington: Colt Brennan (may have) raped a girl. And he liked it.* 7-9.
Minnesota: Tarvaris Jackson has the accuracy of my post-coitus piss stream, yet the rest of the team is of Super Bowl quality. But how did Jason Allen miss out on the “most likely to get arrested” odds? During the winter, there isn’t shit to do up here besides drink and drive. A missed opportunity for compulsive gamblers everywhere. (Prediction void if McKinnie is suspended 4 games). 11-5.
Green Bay: Aaron Rodgers will have a better statistical season than Brett Favre. But he’ll miss 4 games due to injury, which will be enough to doom Green Bay's chances for a division title. 10-6.
Detroit: I have absolutely nothing to say about the Lions, so another note on Palin. She's a former high school basketball player who still fishes, plays hockey, and hunts. While she's not much of a shot, you should see her box. 6-10.
Chicago: Word is that even Orton could fuck Lindsay Lohan. When you’re too slutty for the Sex Cannon, it’s probably time to re-evaluate your life. 5-11.
New Orleans: Despite adding a liter of douche-juice to the roster (see picture), the Saints' defensive improvements should turn them back into a contender. Quickly. (prediction void if another hurricane turns the Superdome into a stationary rape wagon) 12-4.
Tampa Bay: Smoke and mirrors won’t work two years in a row. 8-8.
Carolina: Remember when Carolina was the annual chic pick for the Super Bowl? Seems like a long time ago. 6-10.
Atlanta: As a Bills fan, I don’t feel sorry for many other fanbases. But this is one. 3-13.
Arizona: Every year is going to be their year. It’s the year they make the leap. Only it annually ends in disappointment. This year will be no different. 7-9.
St. Louis: Bulger’s healthy return makes the Rams much better. Unfortunately, they can’t protect him and they’re still coached by Scott Linehan. 6-10.
San Francisco: Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys. 3-13.
AFC Title Game: Jacksonville over New England. Solely because I refuse to pick the Pats, and I cautiously believe in Silky Garrard and Del Rio’s ability not to buttfuck this team.
NFC Title Game: Dallas over New Orleans. New Orleans squeaks into the title game after T-Jack’s inevitable 6-19, 52 yard, 0 TD/3 INT performance in a road playoff game.
Super Bowl: Dallas over Jacksonville. Does TO attempt another suicide after he’s snubbed for the MVP?
*Colt Brennan did not actually rape anyone.