Bang the Champ: dmk's Weekly NFL Column

AJR will be writing a weekly college football column. I applaud this move. College football is fun, particularly if you’re Matt Stafford. And rivalry games can be cool. There's nothing like fighting a stranger over his allegiance to an institution that wouldn't admit him. It’s also much more enjoyable to verbally berate impressionable, unpaid kids than professionals. Kids are far more sensitive and thus likely to take your heckling to heart. Pros, meanwhile, can fall back on earning a higher salary than you while undeservedly fucking hotter girls than you. Annoying, to say the least.

Still, for all its positives, comparing college football to the NFL is like comparing double bagging to raw dogging; it’s not even close to the same thing. The biggest pro for college football is intangible bullshit like “the atmosphere” and “the in-stadium feel.” Now, this might be true – for those lucky enough to attend a big time college football game in a big time college football stadium. I don’t doubt attending a Michigan-Ohio St., Florida-LSU, or USC-Notre Dame game is superior to any NFL regular season game – and probably any NFL playoff game. Having attended both top 10 FSU-Miami showdowns and Super Bowls, I’d rather attend the FSU-Miami game.

But for those who watch nearly all their football on TV – as I, and 99% of people, do – the NFL is king shit. Once you take out the atmosphere that can only be experienced by in-stadium attendance, you’re left with the on-field product as your source of entertainment. And it’s inarguable the NFL is a superior on-field product. Indicative of college football's level of play, Danny Weurffel and Eric Crouch were once judged the sport's superior players. For any major athletic endeavor, this is a complete embarrassment. Crouch would agree – and in fact, he did, when he called me last week to see if I was interested in purchasing a new car insurance policy. Pete Carroll – Pete Carroll!!! – is one of the best college coaches in the nation. Jesus.

Now that I’ve established my position in the NFL-College debate, I can begin my exercise in futility that is: Bang the Champ. Many people write weekly NFL columns. Some are begrudgingly good. Some are stupidly entertaining. Others are exercises in partial birth abortion. This one will be closer to the latter than the former.

I’m going to do my best to write an actual column and avoid just picking games – particularly picking them straight up. That’s stupid. Any asshole can do that. If you watch a moderate amount of the NFL and aren’t picking against the spread, there’s no reason for you not to pick 60% of the games correctly. The past few years I’ve done a straight up pick’em pool and have never fallen below the 65% mark. That shouldn’t be construed as bragging. It’s just having a general understanding of football.

For the column's initial hymen-piercing, I’ll be giving lazy, ignorant, half-witted paragraph previews of all NFL teams.So basically be what you’ve come to expect from me. If you add up the wins and losses, it will mathematically make sense, unlike the predictions at some other websites. Sure, I’m lazy, but I adhere to the laws of math. I've even thought out all these records. There’s logic behind them, believe it or not. I just don’t feel like writing 500 words defending each prediction. Reading that is a waste of your time. Mine? Not so much. It’s either write them or complete my whiskey funnel. If you want an individual team preview, let me know and I'll post it.

AFC East:

New England: Boston is a volcano of douche, but this is still far and away the best team in the division. Primarily because the division sucks. 14-2.

New York Jets: Yes, they added Brett Favre. He’ll help. But my favorite New York Jet remains the one piloted by Cory Lidle. 8-8.

Buffalo: If you can name 5 Bills players without looking up the roster, I’ll buy you a beer. Gldnknight excepted, since he watches nearly every game with me at the bar. 8-8.

(Speaking of GldnKnight: Until mid-November, we won't be seeing much of him around these parts. The thought of voting for Sarah Palin’s combination of looks and political platform will probably keep his pants firmly planted around his ankles. If you hold stock in any hand-lotion companies, you're about to be rich.)

Miami: Italians shouldn’t run football teams. Stick to things you’re good at, like making pasta, trampling toadstools, committing random acts of genocide, and beating women. 5-11.

AFC Central:

Cleveland: War Veterans + Horse Balls + Ambiguously Gay Porn Advertisements + Fat = Division title. Someone has to win it. 10-6.

Pittsburgh: While the schedule likely would have killed you anyway, addressing your biggest weakness, the offensive line, would have been a step in the right direction. Oh well. You still have the most valuable young commodity in the game. Even if he is a flaming retard. 9-7.

Cincinnati: On ladies night, Marvin Lewis couldn’t guide a group of Dukies to a bar serving free GHB. 6-10.

Baltimore: Like this column, the Ravens’ offense is more poorly constructed than a Vince Flynn novel. 5-11.

AFC South:

Jacksonville: Sure, Silky Garrard is bound to come back to Earth. And they don’t have any WRs, and their coach has the intelligence of your average St. Olaf graduate. But they can run the fuck out of the ball, and Garrard will make enough plays to keep them afloat. Plus, the defense is nasty. 12-4

Indianapolis: One day, the Peyton-era Colts will relinquish their throne. Now seems as good a time as any. If Peyton’s out for an extended period of time, this prediction is reduced to 8-8. (Side note: what ever happened to that whole “Marvin Harrison is a shady motherfucker who might have tried to kill someone” story?) 11-5.

Houston: In any other division, this is a playoff team. Who would have thought that Mario Williams would actually be a better pick than Reggie Bush? Besides Charley Casserly, of course. 9-7.

Tennessee: If you can’t throw, you can’t win. And Vince Young can’t throw, unless it’s bows at a “keep it on the down low” night. 7-9.

AFC West:

San Diego: Shawn Merriman had four separate doctors tell him he should have season ending surgery, yet he’s planning on playing out the season. Retard. When Merriman inevitably gets Alvin Mack-ed, his loss is going to set back the Chargers enough for them to miss out on a first round bye, which will cost them the AFC title. 10-6.

Denver: If you haven’t, read Stefan Fatsis’ book. It comes dmk recommended, which is like a safe-sex technique being recommended by Tommy Morrison. You’ll learn new and interesting things, such as: Jake Plummer is tits; Jay Cutler is a cocksucker; Jason Elam may or may not be a good guy (it’s tough to tell); Al Wilson is a bad motherfucker; and Stefan Fatsis is a fantastic writer, but he’d probably be fairly irritating to hang out with. Fatsis tells a great narrative but begins to harp a bit too much on him actually being part of the team, which is complete bullshit. Even real kickers aren't football players. Still, it’s a great book. 8-8.

Oakland: Like San Francisco, only with criminals instead of gays! And blacks instead of Asians! I suppose those distinctions are redundant. 6-10.

Kansas City: Brodie Croyle is the QB. I’d rather sit through a Scrubs marathon than watch that asshole play for three hours. 3-13.

NFC East:

Dallas: This team should be fun. Who doesn’t want to see the Double J accept the Lombardi trophy while Jessica wraps her tits around Romo’s cooter hook? 13-3.

New York: Did we forget that the Giants were a slightly above average team for the vast majority of 2007? They only turned it on for the final 5 or so games. Which is more representative of the Giants’ skill level – the final 5 games or the previous 15 games? I’m betting the previous 15, meaning they were a good but not great team last year and they’ll be a good but not great team again.

Also, nice facial hair, Eli. You look like Cartman in the Scott Tenorman South Park episode. Let’s hope you don’t feed someone’s parents to them. 9-7.

Philadelphia: This isn’t a bad team. Still, like parenting in the Reid family, the Eagles leave things to be desired. 9-7.

Washington: Colt Brennan (may have) raped a girl. And he liked it.* 7-9.

NFC Central:

Minnesota: Tarvaris Jackson has the accuracy of my post-coitus piss stream, yet the rest of the team is of Super Bowl quality. But how did Jason Allen miss out on the “most likely to get arrested” odds? During the winter, there isn’t shit to do up here besides drink and drive. A missed opportunity for compulsive gamblers everywhere. (Prediction void if McKinnie is suspended 4 games). 11-5.

Green Bay: Aaron Rodgers will have a better statistical season than Brett Favre. But he’ll miss 4 games due to injury, which will be enough to doom Green Bay's chances for a division title. 10-6.

Detroit: I have absolutely nothing to say about the Lions, so another note on Palin. She's a former high school basketball player who still fishes, plays hockey, and hunts. While she's not much of a shot, you should see her box. 6-10.

Chicago: Word is that even Orton could fuck Lindsay Lohan. When you’re too slutty for the Sex Cannon, it’s probably time to re-evaluate your life. 5-11.

NFC South:

New Orleans: Despite adding a liter of douche-juice to the roster (see picture), the Saints' defensive improvements should turn them back into a contender. Quickly. (prediction void if another hurricane turns the Superdome into a stationary rape wagon) 12-4.

Tampa Bay: Smoke and mirrors won’t work two years in a row. 8-8.

Carolina: Remember when Carolina was the annual chic pick for the Super Bowl? Seems like a long time ago. 6-10.

Atlanta: As a Bills fan, I don’t feel sorry for many other fanbases. But this is one. 3-13.

NFC West:

Seattle: Winning the NFC West is like hollowing out the hottest girl at a free trade protest (pictured at left). 10-6.

Arizona: Every year is going to be their year. It’s the year they make the leap. Only it annually ends in disappointment. This year will be no different. 7-9.

St. Louis: Bulger’s healthy return makes the Rams much better. Unfortunately, they can’t protect him and they’re still coached by Scott Linehan. 6-10.

San Francisco: Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys. 3-13.

Postseason:

AFC Title Game: Jacksonville over New England. Solely because I refuse to pick the Pats, and I cautiously believe in Silky Garrard and Del Rio’s ability not to buttfuck this team.

NFC Title Game: Dallas over New Orleans. New Orleans squeaks into the title game after T-Jack’s inevitable 6-19, 52 yard, 0 TD/3 INT performance in a road playoff game.

Super Bowl: Dallas over Jacksonville. Does TO attempt another suicide after he’s snubbed for the MVP?

*Colt Brennan did not actually rape anyone.

AJR26's Thirsty Thursday College Football Matchups

If you are like me, you haven’t had a duty-free Saturday afternoon in the fall for six years. This is highly unlikely, however, and chances are your activities are nothing like AJR26’s. Your Saturday afternoons are spent doing absolutely nothing. The lack of a Saturday afternoon commitment leaves ample time for watching exploited 18-24 year old males crash into each others for hours on end…or what’s more commonly known as NCAA Football.

Seeing that no legislation made it to President Bush’s desk, college football and its fans are going to have to suffer through enjoy the BCS for at least a few more years. Say what you will about the Bowl Championship Series, but the early season September matchups are much more intriguing than they used to be in the glory days of the AP Poll.

Every Thursday during the fall, I will preview the top game in college football with BCS implications. In addition, I intend to highlight the best game in every division, across college football. This is the inaugural column, complete with my preseason top-10.

AJR26’s Preseason Top 10:

1.) Ohio State

2.) Missouri

3.) Georgia

4.) USC

5.) Oklahoma

6.) Florida

7.) LSU

8.) Texas Tech

9.) Auburn

10.) West Virginia

Week 1: Saturday, August 30^th

Division I: #20 Illinois at #6 Missouri (@ St. Louis, MO)
What will 2008 bring for these two schools, which exploded on the national scene with unexpected success a year ago? The Tigers, who capped their school-record campaign with a 38-7 thrashing of Arkansas in the Cotton Bowl, return heisman finalist Chase Daniel and electrifying receiver Jeremy Macklin, as well as ten starters from an improving defense. Meanwhile, the Illini return its own multi-purpose quarterback, in junior Juice Williams. They’ll have to replace running back Rashard Mendenhall and other key starters on defense, however, who graduated or moved on to the NFL.

Last season in St. Louis, the Tigers built a 37-13 advantage late in the third quarter before Illinois rallied with three consecutive touchdowns. The Illini actually had a chance to tie the contest, but quarterback Eddie McGee, who replaced an injured Juice Williams, was picked off at the goalline by Mizzou’s Cornelius Brown to preserve a 40-34 win for the Tigers.

Outlook: I really think this Missouri team has a chance to play in the BCS title game. Their defense looked unbelieveable at the Cotton Bowl against Darren McFadden and Felix Jones. Granted that was eight months ago, but I think another year of off-season workouts and playing experience will catapult this defense to match the elite level of their teammates that scrimmage on the other side of the ball.

Ron Zook’s squad is an enigma coming into this game, as it is hard to gauge how the loss of Mendenhall, linebacker J Leman and safety Kevin Mitchell will affect the Illini. I believe the only way Illinois comes out on top is if they control the clock and win the turnover battle. Last season, the Illini were -3 in the rivalry game, which led to 14 Missouri points. If Illinois can somehow turn the turnover margin in their favor, they will be in the game in the 4^th quarter.

Nevertheless, Missouri is on a mission this season and it starts Saturday in St. Louis. Illinois is not going to halt Mizzou’s quest for the program's first national championship since 1960.

Pick: Missouri 45 Illinois 28

Runner-Up: #24 Alabama @ #9 Clemson

Division I-AA: #1 Appalachian State at LSU (#7 in I-A)
You think the defending national champions will be ready for the Mountaineers, who shocked Michigan at the Big House last season?

Me too, but it certainly will not be a blowout.

Pick: Tigers 28 Mountaineers 16

Division II: #8 Abilene Christian at #4 NW Missouri State
The eighth-ranked Wildcats travel to the third-ranked Bearcats in a clash of two of the best teams in Division II. NW Missouri State has been the bridesmaid in three consecutive national championship games, while Abilene Christian fell in three overtimes in the second round of the NCAA tournament in 2007. Look for the Wildcats and their potent trio of Billy Malone (QB), Bernard Scott (RB), and Johnny Knox (WR), to be too much for the Bearcats inexperienced defense.

Pick: Abilene Christian 38 NW Missouri St. 34

Division III: NONE—GAMES BEGIN SEPT. 6

AJR26’s Official, Unofficial Tour, Stop #8: Fenway Park

The eighth stop of the ol’ tour heads to the oldest ballpark in the land. As everyone already knows, Fenway Park opened the same day the Titanic sank (April 20, 1912).

Fans (7.5 of 10 points)
Fuck them.

Sightlines (7.5 of 10)
I have had seats in both the lower level, first base box area and the outfield grandstand. In both cases, the seats are small and leg room is at a premium but you have great views of the field. This is undoubtedly a great place to watch a game, especially when the Sox lose.

Cost (2 of 10)
I still am not sure why everything is so expensive at Fenway. The cost of living is not as expensive as New York City’s. It’s not a new stadium. The beers are smaller and the food sucks.
Anyone?

Food (4 of 10)
Indulge: Eating from a street vendor on Landsdowne Street or Yawkee Way

Pizza…nothing special but it was better than cold pig and cow mush in a slice of bread otherwise known as:

Avoid: A Fenway Frank….it’s the most overrated hotdog in baseball.

Drink (7.5 of 10)
Less than 21 years old? Get a fake ID or drink Coca-Cola at Fenway.

As far as the cerveza selection, Fenway has a fantastic array of imports (Heineken, Guinness, Smithwicks, etc.), but also serves Samuel Adams Summer Ale. If you have not had this Sam seasonal, I strongly recommend a taste. Following the orgasmic sampling, you too will bathe in grains of paradise and lemon zest.

History (9.5 of 10)
See Yankee Stadium History Section.

Atmosphere (8 of 10)
Both times I have been to Fenway, I have been pleased with the lack of douchebaggery from Red Sox fans. However, the “Red Sox Nation” should be renamed the “Red Sox Bandwagon”, because there is no Red Sox nation. While we’re at it, our nation doesn’t run on Dunkin’ fucking Donuts either. In fact, Dunkin Donuts blows monkey cock. False goddamn advertising.

The overall atmosphere at is composed of less die-hard fans than Yankee Stadium, but the people still know their baseball. There is always a buzz around the game, rather than other attractions or gimmicks. And rocking out to Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline in the middle of the 8^th inning never gets old. And it never will.

Getting to the Game (8 of 10)
Take the train. There are two subway stops on the Greenline, but take the T to Kenmore and walk over the Mass Pike to the ballpark. The reason being, that all Greenline trains run to Kenmore Station, but only one stops at the actual Fenway Station. Also be prepared to squish in the train cars, because you will be packed tighter than a 12-year old Vietnamese prostitute….or Chinese gymnasts.

Neighborhood (8 of 10)
The stadium is quite close to Boston University, so in addition to the bars and restaurants around the park, there are also many establishments within a short walk. The area on the immediate streets surrounding Fenway is also filled with vendors and shops, adding to the experience of seeing a game in Boston.

Aesthetics (9 of 10)
Green Monster.
Citgo Sign.
Pesky’s Pole.

If Carmen were to say any of those two-word phrases, even the folks at Interpol could find Ms. Sandiego.

1.) Fenway Park (71)
2.) Yankee Stadium (69)
3.) Camden Yards (66.5)
T-4.) Kauffman Stadium (55)
T-4.) Comerica Park (55)
6.) Milwaukee County Stadium (51)
7.) Metrodome (49.5)
8.) Dolphin Stadium (41)

dmk's 2008 Miami Hurricanes Preview

As a small, lily white, uber-expensive private school, Miami doesn’t have many hardcore fans. Most of the dedicated fanbase are undereducated dipshit vagabonds who grew up in South Florida and developed an affection for the ‘Canes since they were the only college team in town. Think Notre Dame, only on a much smaller level and without the Catholic guilt. I fit this profile of a Miami fan, and I embrace it. Being a Miami fan is better than being a UF mouthbreather.

The early 21^st century Hurricanes are the one dominant team I’ve been able to root for in my brief life. As a naïve high schooler, I trekked down to the Orange Bowl and, in an alcoholic haze, rooted for such luminaries as Clinton Portis, Jeremy Shockey, Jonathan Vilma, Andre Johnson, and Ken Dorsey to pummel opponents into submission. And pummel opponents they did. It was a great period. Although the late 80’s/early 90’s culture of renegades/thugs/insert synonym for “black” was missing, rooting for Miami still brought great pleasure.

Larry Coker's leadership stint saw Miami slowly descend into their current state of mediocrity. To outsiders, it was unforeseeable that a school with such a rich history of success was unable to attract recruits. This line of thinking ignored Miami’s sub-par facilities, particularly when compared to those at Florida, Florida State, and any major Division 1 school outside of the state. Also, have you ever heard Coker speak? Jesus. After listening to Coker, I wouldn’t be jazzed to play for him either. It’s no wonder recruits abandoned the U en masse.

But year two of the Randy Shannon era brings promise. Shannon has the ability to pull in top recruiting classes year in and year out, meaning Miami should be able to regain the talent base that once made them successful. Whether Shannon can coach up these kids to maximize their talent, ala Urban Meyer, or whether he’s merely an ace recruiter lacking actual coaching ability, ala Ron Zook, remains to be seen.

Turning to 2008: there’s no doubt 2007 blew. Miami had two of the most gawd-awful QBs in Division 1, with Kirby Freeman particularly offensive. (Note: I have, in my possession, some awesome Kirby pics taken off facebook. One is him in a bubble bath with roses around him, and another is him in a robe drinking champagne. They haven’t been published because I don’t want his fiancé, from whose page they were taken, to find out. Also, I’m a pussy.) But 2007 is in the past. 2008 has renewed hope Miami will regain relevance on a national level. The hope comes from the new talent brought in by Shannon’s recruiting classes and some key returning talent.

Offense:

Miami will start redshirt freshman Robert Marve at QB. Marve redshirted last year after a near-death experience in a car accident that rendered him debilitated for a brief period of time. Robert had a skin graft on his left hand, which is why he’ll be rocking the asshat one glove look at QB this season. Unfortunately, Marve is also a dickface who got himself suspended for the season opener against Charleston Southern. Jacory Harris will be running the offense in his place.

Harris is a true freshman who enrolled early fresh off leading the nation’s #1 high school team to both State and National Championships. Marve is the more mobile and physically gifted of the two, but Harris is a smart player who has been compared to Troy Smith – probably because he’s a black pocket passer lacking exceptional athletic ability. Both Harris and Marve should be upgrades over the Freeman/Wright travashamockery.

In the backfield, Javarris James and Graig Cooper return. James saw himself slump as a sophomore but has supposedly looked much better in pre-season workouts. Cooper is a quick little fucker who should get the majority of the carries. Both complement each other well; if you want a comparison, think of Cooper as a Clinton Portis type whereas James is more well rounded like his cousin Edgerrin, although Javarris is probably only a mid round NFL pick. Both Cooper and James can catch passes out of the backfield, but their pass-blocking ability is questionable. Shawnbrey McNeal should also receive some carries, with Lee Chambers possibly factoring into the mix as well. Patrick Hill will serve as the fullback.

Shannon plans to play 8 or 9 WRs this season, meaning Miami will play a bunch of kids and Sam Shields. Shields is immensely talented but has issues related to off the field behavior (skipping classes/meetings, etc.) and poor academics. Shannon doesn’t play that shit, so Shields has been in his doghouse throughout most of Shannon’s tenure. Shields will be the main guy in the slot for the ‘Canes this year. Outside, Miami looks to rely on freshman. Redshirts Jermaine McKenzie and Leonard Hankerson should make an impact, with true freshmen Aldarius Johnson, Laron Byrd (sporting Michael Irvin’s old # 47), and Thearon Collier also in the mix. Hankerson has good size and ripped up a scrimmage a few weeks ago. Early in the season, look for him to emerge as the ‘Canes playmaker, with Johnson eventually becoming the ‘Canes best WR. Glades Central product Travis Benjamin is said to be in the Devin Hester mold, as he’s clocked a 4.26 in the 40 and should be a primary return man for Miami. The ‘Canes will also try to get Benjamin the ball in space, mostly via screens, in order to maximize his speed and after the catch ability. Seniors Kayne Farquarson and Khalil Jones should also contribute for Miami, but they’ll likely be unseated by the more talented young guys at some point this season. Dedrick Epps should start at tight end; his impact will be more like that of Dajleon Farr than Jeremy Shockey.

The offensive line hasn’t been good in a number of years, but this year could be different. Miami returns a number of starters and transfer Xavier Shannon, son of Randy, should upgrade a center position that has been lacking since the days of Brett Romberg. In a fun side note, Randy won’t even speak with Xavier on the football field. He lets the other coaches do all the talking. I’m sure that’s not awkward at all. Jason Fox should start at left tackle, and left guard Orlando Franklin should be another key member of the offensive line, giving Miami a nice left side to run behind. Additionally, people are saying this is the year Reggie Youngblood finally fulfills his potential. I have my doubts about Youngblood, but if Miami's offensive line comes around, the offense should be able to increase their meager outputs of the past few seasons.

Defense:

Despite Miami not winning much the past few years, the defense has had some studs such as Kenny Phillips and Jon Beason. This year those studs will come from the defensive line and linebackers. Converted DE Allen Bailey has been drawing raves from the coaching staff and should be the complete end the ‘Canes have lacked, although he will not be playing in the season opener. Eric Moncur, also out for the opener, is another defensive lineman with a shot to be a force. On the interior defensive line, the ‘Canes are going to rely on Antonio Dixon and kids, such as top recruit Marcus Fortson.

At linebacker Miami returns playmaking OLBs Colin McCarthy and Daryl Sharpton, the nephew of noted fucktard Al, along with MLB and former high school opponent of dmk Glenn Cook. Cook is a solid but unspectacular linebacker whereas McCarthy has drawn comparisons to Dan Morgan – most likely because he’s a white Miami linebacker wearing # 44. McCarthy can hold his own against both the run and the pass. Sharpton is a complete player who should start at strongside LB for the ‘Canes. Freshman Sean Spence, who was impressive in the spring filling in for the injured McCarthy, could make an impact if one of the starters falters.

Losing Kenny Phillips is a big blow to what was already an undermanned ‘Canes secondary. Anthony Reddick returns and, though his career has been injury plagued, has a chance to become a solid cog at safety. Randy Phillips (no relation to Kenny) should also see significant playing time, although he’s another one of the dumbfucks suspended for the season opener. JoJo Nicholas will start in Phillips’ place. At corner, senior Bruce Johnson is penciled in at one starter while Chavez Grant starts at the other corner. Look for Demarcus Van Dyke and Brandon Harris to push both Johnson and Grant throughout the season.

Special Teams:

Matt Bosher is going to punt, kickoff and handle place kicking duties. That’ll be interesting. Ryan Hill, Shawnbrey McNeal, and Brandon Harris are the primary candidates to return kickoffs, with Travis Benjamin possibly factoring in as well. Sam Shields and Graig Cooper have punt-returning experience, but if Shannon wants to rest the two starters, freshman WR Thearon Collier can return punts. The return game won’t be on a Hester level but should improve over 2007.

Outlook:

With Miami moving to Dolphin Stadium in 2008, their home field advantage should be substantially negated. A tough early season schedule includes trips to Florida and Texas A & M. I’m already preparing for the sodomy in Gainesville. The ACC isn’t great this year – or ever – but it’s competitive enough that Miami can’t expect to compete using primarily freshman and sophomores on offense. Looking over the ‘Canes schedule, they seem like a 6-6 team with the possibility to go either 5-7 or 8-4. Since I’m a betting man, I’ll put them at 6-6, with wins over Charleston Southern, UNC, FSU, UCF, Duke, and UVA.

Everyday Eddie Returns

Eddie Guardado is back to rescue the Twins bullpen. That is, if you think it needs to be rescued. Guardado’s having a good season on the surface – 1.11 WHIP and 3.65 ERA, but he’s doing this with a BABIP of .240. His BABIP probably won’t be at that level with the Twins, considering their shitty team defense and the general unsustainability of a .240 BABIP. His 1.65 K/BB is also pretty shitty for a reliever, and his 5.27 K/9 is well below his previous Minnesota stint. Without excellent strikeout ability, Eddie's going to allow the ball to be put in play, and with the Twins defense his hits allowed will rise from his Texas numbers. So he’ll allow more baserunners in Minnesota, and as his WHIP rises his ERA will rise. Don’t expect him to perform at his 1.11/3.65 level up here, even if he is moving to a pitcher’s park.

Still, Eddie will help. Even if he allows more runs than he has in Texas, he’ll be a nice cog in the Twins 'pen and perform well against lefties. Eddie’s holding left handed hitters to a .533 OPS. According to Gardy, he’ll also bring courage – which, judging by Gardy’s comment suggesting Guardado has courage, is currently lacking in the Twins bullpen. I’m skeptical of that whole courage thing – really, I’m skeptical about preferring the intangible, esoteric qualities of one major league player over another – but the Twins seem to be saying the right things about Eddie. Good for them.

Maybe the most positive development out of the Guardado addition is that Mike Lamb has been DFA’d. It’s about time that fucker was put out to pasture.

Unofficial, Official Ballpark Stop #7: Milwaukee County Stadium

Fans (4 of 10 points)
If you liked, passionate, fair weather fans, you should have moved to Milwaukee.

If you liked light bulbs and non-color scoreboards, you should have moved to Milwaukee.

If you liked racial epithets and slurs against non-whites, you should have moved to Milwaukee.

If you like tailgating and hairy women, you should still move to Milwaukee. (dmk?)

Sightlines (6 of 10)
Other than the structural pillars, which added character to an otherwise bland stadium, there really was not a poor seat in the house. Sitting in the lower level just under the upper deck overhang, gave upclose and personal looks at the most overrated pitcher in Yankees’ History.

Cost (6.5 of 10)
Nothing in Milwaukee is expensive, except oral sex and golfing. Surprisingly, the two activities are unrelated.

Food (7.5 of 10)

Indulge: Sportservice Bratwursts w/ Special Sauce (think barbeque sauce, ketchup and mustard, all in one Herculean sauce.)
Nachos

Avoid: Having a heart-attack due to over-eating

Drink (5 of 10)
Miller, Miller, and more Miller.
I cannot remember if they had the “Champagne of Beers” on tap and if they did not, they weren’t certified to sell the High Life.

History (5.5 of 10)
It is one of the older stadiums I have been to, still the history pales in comparison to that of Wrigley, Fenway or Yankee. County Stadium did host two All-Star Games, as well as a few Packer home games each year until 1994. It might be most famously known as the field which the Indians played at in Major League. Juussssssssssssssst a bit outside!

Atmosphere (5 of 10)
If you judged this stadium based on in-park atmosphere, it would have been a -2. Outside the park, however, was a different story. There were ample parking lots in which people were screaming, “Johnny’s cooking Johnsonville Bra-aaaaaats!!!!”. If that weren’t enough, it was Miller Park groundbreaking weekend, which gave native ‘Sconies another reason to drink till they pass out.

Getting to the Game (5 of 10)
County Stadium was right off I-94 on the West side of Milwaukee. As stated above, there is plenty of parking. The only downside was that there are 10,000 vehicles entering and exiting the grounds during the course of a game. The wait was as enjoyable as passing a kidney stone.

Neighborhood (4 of 10)
If you consider a “neighborhood” the parking lot when filled with belligerent morons, then this was a happening neighborhood. If not, then I advise never going to Wisconsin, because outside of Madison, this is about as exciting as it gets.

Aesthetics (3 of 10)
County Stadium was the first post-WWII built park, for a team that actually did not exist (they were in Boston). This is apparent as the stadium was built with no purpose or aesthetic pleasure. For all you Wisconsin-educated folk, that is not a complement.

1.) Yankee Stadium (69)
2.) Camden Yards (66.5)
T-3.) Kauffman Stadium (55)
T-3.) Comerica Park (55)
5.) Milwaukee County Stadium (51)
6.) Metrodome (49.5)
7.) Dolphin Stadium (41)

If Minnesota Misses The Playoffs, Blame The Republicans

No, don’t actually do that. Unless you want to be a dipshit, in which case, by all means, you, as an America-hating, tree-hugging, godless pussy, should blame those war-mongering, oil-grubbing, soulless eaters of underclass minority children.

Tonight the Twins begin a 14 game road swing, as they’re being shipped out of town due to the Twin Cities hosting the Republican National Convention. This trip isn’t make or break, per se – the White Sox have a home set versus the Devil Rays before a 10 game East Coast trip of their own – but a disaster of a trip could significantly set the Twins back.

Minnesota and Chicago have roughly equal September schedules, so the Twins can’t afford to lose much ground over the next two weeks. Right now Minnesota sits 1 game back of Chicago; if the Twins end this road trip no more than 3 games behind the White Sox, it’ll be a successful trip. If they’re even closer, then that’s just an added bonus.

In case you’re wondering: yes, I know the Marlins are done. And you know what? That’s fine. It’s still a successful season, even if the Fish play .400 ball through the end of the season. Which, from the way they’ve been swinging the bat, they might do.

Unofficial, Official Ballpark Stop #6: Oriole Park at Camden Yards

I have to admit, this ballpark tour was the worst idea that I have had in the five and one-half month history of this blog. Not only is it time consuming writing these columns a couple of nights a week, but it requires what I like to call “memory remembering”. Memory remembering is hard, like Peter King’s dick when talking about Brett Favre hard. Basically, memory remembering is remembering the memories from your memory. Got it?

On the other hand, I am a gamer. I am going to finish what I started. That means you dedicated readers are going to have to endure eleven more of these columns, beginning with Baltimore’s Oriole Park at Camden Yards.

Fans (6.5 of 10 Points)
As far as fans are concerned, this article speaks volumes to the Oriole fans, as well as the quality of the ballpark. It’s too bad that the Baltimore faithful have baseball’s worst owner in Peter Angelos.

Sightlines (8 of 10)
If I am not mistaken, this was the first park where you could walk around the stadium and still see the game from most places in the concourse. I took full advantage of that, spending an inning sitting at the picnic tables in straight-away center. This was the first park that truly made it a baseball experience, not just a three hour contest. Camden Yards is as close to a small town feel as you will get in the majors.

Cost (5 of 10)
I do not really have much to offer on this category. I think the tickets in left field were around $25 a piece in 1999. Pretty average.

Food (8.5 of 10)
Indulge: Anything From Boog Powell’s BBQ Stand
Baltimore Crab Cakes

Avoid: Healthy Food Options (Who the fuck eats healthy at a ballgame?)

Drink (6.5 of 10)
I distinctly remember great tasting lemonade from this park, because it was balls hot and the soda just wasn’t doing it. As far as beers are concerned, a nice selection of speciality beers is available near Boog’s BBQ in Right-Center field. The standard Budweiser is also available.

History (3 of 10)
As the oldest, newest stadium, a.k.a. The Godfather of Modern Baseball Parks, Oriole Park cannot claim to have much more than an artificially created history, especially with the old warehouse being the focal point.

Atmosphere (7 of 10)
From the national anthem, where everyone yells, “Home of the O’s!!!!!” to the smoke billowing from Boog’s BBQ on the right-field porch, this is a very nice place to watch a ballgame. Unless you actually watch the O’s play, then it becomes painful.

Getting to the Game (7 of 10)
Baltimore has a pretty good public transit system, with bus, light rail, and train stops near Camden Yards. When I was in attendance, we drove to the game from southern Pennsylvania. That was surprisingly convenient as well, with ample parking for fair prices.
I have also heard a rumor that beginning next season, Michael Phelps can swim you to the game, as the mayor of Baltimore is planning to build a canal system in the swimmers honor…..ok maybe not.

Neighborhood (6 of 10)
I have been to Camden Yards twice, but only saw an Orioles game once and we drove to the parking lot, subsequently entering the park. The other time I was on a family trip and we were touring the sites of Baltimore. At Camden Yards, after walking around the grounds, a strong gust of wind blew my hat down the corridor between the warehouse and right-field, all the way to the train tracks at the far end. Being only nine years old, I threw my disposable camera in disgust, shattering it in a dozen or so pieces.
Thus, I do not remember all that much about the neighborhood around the park because I was over come with rage and sadness. I am happy to say that I got my hat Rocky the Squirrel hat back….the camera, not so much.
Anywho, Camden Yards is only a 15 minute walk or so from Baltimore’s Inner Harbor, where the magic happens in B-town.

Aesthetics (9 of 10)
Large Scoreboard—Check
Classy, Forest Green Color Scheme—Check
Wide Concourses and Entrances’—Check
Picnic Area—Check
A Fucking Huge Brick Warehouse—Double Check

1.) Yankee Stadium (69)
2.) Camden Yards (66.5)
T-3.) Kauffman Stadium (55)
T-3.) Comerica Park (55)
5.) Metrodome (49.5)
6.) Dolphin Stadium (41)

Unofficial, Official Ballpark Stop #5: Comerica Park

When you think of historic baseball parks in America, there is no doubt Tiger Stadium come to mind. Since 1912, at the corner of Michigan and Trumbull just west of downtown Detroit, the Tigers have played at this National Historic Site.

The above two sentences are what you should be reading at the onset of this review of Detroit’s ballpark. Sadly, the drop in pizza sales and a string of teams which made the Guantanamo Prison All-Stars look like World Champions, dropped interest and attendance for the Tigers. With these problems, as well as neighborhood issues near Tiger Stadium, any chance of renovating or saving the oldest park in the majors was killed. Now, what we have in De-trois, is Comerica Park, which is next on AJR26’s unofficial, official tour.

Fans (4.5 of 10 points)
I have to admit, I went to Comerica in 2001, before the Tigers were worth a shit. Let’s just say the loudest cheers of the night were directed at the post-game fireworks show. I’ve seen better fireworks at my lake cabin.

Sightlines (8.5 of 10)
I sat in the second row in left-center field, which at the time was around 730ft. away from homeplate, before they moved the fences in. Still felt closer than at the Dome.

Cost (5.5 of 10)
I do not remember anything being too overpriced or exceptionally cheap at Comerica, except parking. But Jesus H. Christ was that overpriced. In fact, I think Jesus himself would have flown people to the game if he were alive, just to avoid the parking fee. Parking was like $25.00 all around the stadium AND there was less of it because the construction of Ford Field was limiting the supply of spots.

Food (5 of 10)
Indulge: Pizza! Pizza!…Little Caesars (Kinda like being at K-Mart)
BBQ Meat at the Big Cat Food Court

Avoid: Eating One Another

Drink (5 of 10)
Once again:

At ___________, the (soda, beer, lemonade) was __________(adjective).

At Comerica Park, the Pepsi was refreshing.

At Comerica Park, the $15 margarita was horrible and made me vomit.

That is sure handy.

History (3 of 10)
I would have loved to have seen Tiger Stadium, because the last time I checked, they don’t make a pile of shit a National Historic Site. This place will never get over that stigma.

Thank You Mike Ilitch!

Atmosphere (5 of 10)
For a new stadium, Comerica’s fans were quite lame and non-responsive. If I remember correctly, it was a long, low-scoring game, which does not help. Still, I pull no punches when I tell you the faithful were there for the fireworks and not the game.

Getting to the Game (4 of 10)
Driving is the only way. You would think in the Motor City, highways and other thoroughfares would be well funded and maintained because of the population’s dependence on the automobile. Then, after remembering the city is 82 percent African-American, that thought goes away.

Neighborhood (6 of 10)
Comerica Park is in what I would call the entertainment district of the city. Although, the amount of entertainment experienced in Detroit is always arguable. Fox Theater, Ford Field, Detroit’s Opera House and a couple of parks are within walking distance of the stadium. I would advise not getting lost Northeast of the field, however, as things can go downhill fast.

Aesthetics (8.5 of 10)
“Grandiose, feline structures upon entering the venue made me feel as though I was back in a Rhodesian jungle searching for nourishment, following an ambush by native savages. The interior of the pitch contained multiple odes to teams with past lore in De-Trois, along with a large-spherical structure that a fellow named Ferris was quite witty to engineer.” ~ British Major Ashley Mastergaft, circa 1901 (say it in a British accent and it’s even more funny).

1.) Yankee Stadium (69)

T-2.) Kauffman Stadium (55)

T-2.) Comerica Park (55)

4.) Metrodome (49.5)

5.) Dolphin Stadium (41)

He's Back

Good news for both Vikings fans and binge drinkers (Note: groups not mutually exclusive) : Kyle Orton is back as the Chicago Bears' starting quarterback. As neither a Bears nor Vikings fan, I'm fully behind Orton leading the Bears. After perusing the pics below (co-opted from Deadspin and KSK), you should be too.



Though old, those pictures never lose their hilarity. My favorite is this picture of Kyle partying in Paris.


American diplomacy at its best.

Still, I'll always hold a special place in my heart for Sexy Rexy. Notwithstanding his collegiate cocaine issues and a funny Rex-related personal story of mine, Rex has his moments of professional drinking glory too.


Nice hair. Then again, what else would you expect from the man who was too distracted to prepare for a game because it was New Year's Eve.

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due

OMG! He knows how to bunt! And he's fast! Let's hit him leadoff!

I’m not really one for apologies. Saying sorry makes it seem like I’ve done something wrong, and with how generally kickass I am, me being wrong is highly unlikely. In my mind, I’ve only legitimately been in the wrong about 3 times in my life. But in the interests of self-improvement and not being an arrogant dickhead, I’m going to attempt a pseudo-apology. Here we go.

In the preceding months, I’ve talked a lot of shit about Carlos Gomez. He deserved every bit of it, and still does. His .250/.286/.338/.624 line is fucking pathetic, and, judging by some of his peripherals, such as his 15.5% line drive rate and 112/19 K/BB, his actual AVG/OBP/SLG/OPS line is probably a bit inflated. His stolen base success rate is petering on the edge of making his base-stealing attempts a liability rather than an asset. Offensively, it’s tough to find anyone in baseball who starts on a regular basis and helps his team less than Gomez. At the plate, Carlos sucks harder than an impoverished Haitian prostitute.

Still, despite his many offensive shortcomings, Gomez has been moderately valuable to the Twins. Well, probably not moderately valuable, but he hasn’t been a complete albatross. Why? Carlos is the premier defensive CF in the American League. Range wise, he’s basically equal to the non-Pacman Adam Jones in RZR but makes an out of zone play every 12.2 innings whereas Mr. Jones makes one every 17.9 innings, indicating Gomez has superior range to Jones. Gomez also has a plus arm that’s good enough to keep him leading Jones in defensive ability. Defense-wise, there’s not a better CF in American League than Gomez.

Carlos should be the American League’s Gold Glove CF. But many gold glove voters are retarded and will take into account a player’s offense when casting their vote for the gold glove, so I’d bet Grady Sizemore wins the Gold Glove. While Grady wouldn’t be a bad choice, as he’s been pretty good in the field, he hasn’t played as well in CF as Gomez. Carlos is going to get robbed. If you’e a Twins fan who cares about meaningless postseason awards, prepare to be incensed.

So, Carlos: I apologize for underestimated your value to the Twins. Defensively, you’re the tits. And I’m sorry you still suck offensively. I’m sure you’re trying to improve, but whatever you’re doing doesn’t seem to be working. Sorry about that. For everyone's sake, I hope you find the ability to hit soon. Good luck.

Why dmk Doesn't Party With The Fuwas

Unlike AJR, I have neither a job nor a social life. So I should be all about the Summer Olympics, with their round the clock coverage, right? Wrong. I still can’t get into the Olympics. They really don’t do anything for me. About the only entertaining Olympics-related event I’ve encountered is AJR yelling “This isn’t Beijing!!” whenever I miss a shot in beer pong. I still don’t know what that means.

The primary reason I’m not jazzed about this whole “Olympics” thing: if I pull for America, I’m just pulling for the favorites. Being a frontrunner, if you will. Frontrunning is gay. There’s no joy in victory – only relief – while if you lose, it’s a failure worthy of mockery. Winning becomes a formality. Formalities blow.

For example, take gymnastics, where I root for girls based purely on bonability. The girl in the purple who won last night? Yeah, in two years, I’d let her suplex me. But if she was supposed to win, her victory is, in my admittedly warped viewpoint, not nearly as compelling. Don’t get me wrong – I’m still impressed she won, and I’m sure she’s worked hard to achieve her goals, but the entertainment value isn’t the same as when she’s an underdog. And sure, watching Michael Phelps stick it to Pierre von Taintstain was fun, but only because that French fuck opened his mouth. Had Mr. von Taintstain not talked shit, I wouldn’t have cared about that result either.

Now this doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy rooting for a favorite. Schaudenfraud opportunities make me happy, and being an insufferable asshole during the Miami Hurricanes' early 2000-run was awesomely fun; rubbing Miami’s success in the faces of opposing fans brought me great joy. "Oh, the Big 12 title game is this weekend? That’s fucking terrific. Your game means nothing. Whoever plays the ‘Canes is getting prison raped anyway. Call me when you're good." I had a grand time with this attitude, particularly with Big 10 and SEC fans. I love gloating in front of opposing fans; it gives my life meaning.

Therein lies a problem with the Olympics: without the opportunity to smear my own team’s success in someone else’s grill, rooting for the favorite loses its charm. It’s just not the same to cheer for the team everyone else is pulling for if you can't denigrate your opponent after defeating them. Of course, you can pretend you’re an underdog when you’re really a favorite. It’s been done before. But if you do that, you’re just a Red Sox fan. And those people can get sodomized with a tire iron.

The underdog factor is why I enjoy the World Cup and Olympic Hockey much more than any Olympics. The U.S. isn’t supposed to win those events, and if they do, the rest of the world is pissed off. That’s fun. There’s nothing like giving other countries more reason to hate us. The thought of pretentious Euro-trash getting all pissy because a country that couldn’t give a flying fuck about soccer succeeded where their backwards ass soccer mad country failed makes me giddy like a schoolgirl.

I’ll admit Olympic basketball is entertaining. It has most of the world’s premier players, and I actually understand the sport. (Note: understanding a sport is key to actually enjoying it. Without a grasp of the rules, you’re just watching people act out the Puppy Bowl). But I really can’t get into the basketball for the same reason I can’t get into the entire Summer Olympics: if we win, it’s expected. I guess there’s baseball too. But no major leaguers play in the Olympics. If I want entertaining international baseball competitions, I’ll watch the World Cup of Baseball. Wake me when that happens.

So that’s why the Olympics don’t enthrall me. Once we’re an underdog again, the Olympics will be compelling, but until we get butt raped by China in a medal count – and don’t kid yourselves, it’s coming sooner rather than later – the Summer Olympics will sit behind regular season baseball in my sports interest ladder.