AJ Does It Again

Don't let the media fool you...Griffey Jr.'s throw was horseshit.

The defensive play of the game (and possibly the year for the Sux) was A.J. Pierzynski's short-hop scoop and tag with Michael Cuddyer barrelling into the Sox catcher.

Damn.

The Thing Get So Wet, and Hit So Right

Let Chavez Grant put his big boy in your life

Bang the Champ: A Lazy Essay About Choosing an Appropriate Sports Bar

If you’re a regular reader of this blog – and, from the bottom of my heart, I thank all six of you for regularly reading – you’re aware that I frequent a sports bar on NFL Sundays. As much as I bitch about this sports bar that shares initials with a prominent NFL owner, I generally enjoy it. It’s not the best sports bar I’ve ever been to – not even close – but it doesn’t piss me off. If you know me, you know that not pissing me off is hard to do.

That said, it’s difficult to find a good sports bar where you can watch football in comfort. The bar can’t be a subdued, micro-brew serving tool factory – meaning anything in Uptown is out - but at the same time you don’t want to deal with a bar full of drunk dumbfucks – meaning Buffalo Wild Wings can’t be considered. There’s a delicate balance between too douchey and too moronic. How does one find an acceptable sports bar? Let’s go down the list of factors to consider when picking a bar.

Crowd

To me, the crowd is the most important part of a sports bar. It’s easier to describe what you don’t want in a crowd than what you do want in a crowd. What you don’t want is obnoxious, ignorant assholes who yell at little shit, such as a three yard loss on first down. I don’t like when people get irrationally overexcited in a bar. Stop fucking yelling. Also, bitching at refs is a no-no. It’s completely fucking lame and makes you sound like a whiny thirteen year old who can’t get a date because she hasn’t sprouted tits yet. That’s more a personal pet peeve, because I don’t think you can ever blame refs for a loss – not even when they seemingly deserve it. Your team had plenty of chances to win the game before, and sometimes after, the refs made their shitty call. It’s not the refs’ fault.

I’d rather people don’t yell at coaches, particularly when they say they’re smarter than the head coach. But I do this sometimes myself. In the interest of not being a hypocrite, I won’t complain about it. I’d prefer people don’t get super-jacked about their fantasy players, but that seems to be personal to me and is unlikely to disappear any time soon.

There’s another key part of the crowd that’s often overlooked. You don’t want a bar that’s filled with over 80% of fans of one team. It lends to groupthink, and inevitably you end up with the entire bar yelling at the coach and refs (in a loss) or harassing the few opposing fans in the bar (in a win).It gets really fucking annoying when you’re watching a game that doesn’t involve fans of this team, because they’re all yelling about something you don’t care about. Although it can bring great joy if you root against the crowd’s team just to be a dick. I’m not saying I’ve done this, but I wouldn’t resent anyone who has.

Chicken Wings

If a bar has the right chicken wings, I can stay there all night regardless of the crowd. But finding the right chicken wings is tough. Ideally, the wings will be baked or grilled. The skin of the wing has to be crispy – that soggy Domino’s bullshit fails. The wing has to be of a decent size – if you can comfortably fit the entire thing in your mouth, it’s too small.* If you’re going for Buffalo wings, the sauce should be based with either Frank’s or Anchor Bar sauce. Provided the skin is crispy, exotic flavors are fine. Honey BBQ wings, for example, are fantastic. I’ve had salt and vinegar wings, lemon pepper wings, Thai peanut wings, even raspberry wings that have been cooked to perfection.

Oh, and chicken wings are served with blue cheese. If you want ranch with them, you’re a fucking communist and I hope you get hit by a bus.

Note: Hooters wings fucking blow. If not for their subpar wings, Hooters would be a fantastic place to watch a game, save for the creepy old guys (I once witnessed a guy in a Hooters videotaping the girls’ asses while his kids sat at the table). But their wings taste like smegma, so Hooters is out.

Beer

For a Sunday afternoon sports bar, beer isn’t the determining factor. At least for me. Any sports bar you frequent is going to serve beer, and chances are they’ll have some kind of deal. Obviously, pitcher deals are preferable to bottle deals because of the quantity involved, but you can’t go wrong with $2 bottle deals. And premium beer isn’t necessary - shitty light beer is fine, particularly if it’s served in bottles with the referee stripes. There’s a time and a place for a Blue Moon with an orange slice. That time and place is not Sunday afternoon at a sports bar.

Waitresses

Not every waitress has to be like Muff Stubble girl – that’s asking too much. Obviously, if the waitress is visually appealing and scantily clad, it makes for a more enjoyable meal. No, all I ask is that the waitresses serve me in a timely manner, don’t fuck up my order, refill my drink often, and aren’t complete bitches but, at the same time, don’t talk your ear off. Not talking your ear off is huge. I can’t fucking stand when a goddamn waitress gets the mouth shits and won’t stop talking about something I don’t care about, which in most cases is anything. It’s not my fault your husband won’t pay any attention to you now that your skin hangs off your face like an egg hanging off a nail. Stop talking, and you’ll get a 20% tip.

Availability of Televised Games

Every sports bar should show, on at least one screen, every NFL game being played. It’s inexcusable to walk into a sports bar and have them say “sorry, we aren’t playing that game today.” The only thing more disappointing is bringing a girl home only to find she doesn’t do anal.

The best TV setup I’ve found was at a bar in Florida where every Friday morning they would put, on each TV in the bar, pieces of paper that indicated what college and pro games were showing throughout the weekend on that TV. Not only was it a good indicator on the day of the game, it allowed you to plan out in advance where you were going to sit, in case you were that kind of degenerate. It was efficient for everyone involved and greatly eased the access to particular games. Unfortunately, it was a Gator fan bar, so all day Saturday it was filled with people in adult education courses.

Dip

No, not like dipping your chips in something, although that’s important too. Tobacco dip. Now, whether a bar serves dip isn’t a factor. Instead, I have a theory about dipping in bars. Specifically, I’m of the belief that if you can dip comfortably in a bar, it’s a good place to watch a football game. If you feel weird tossing a half tin in your bottom lip, then the bar is probably a bit too classy for watching sports.

Jukebox

If there’s a jukebox playing during the games, leave. Immediately. Upon departure, kick the manager in the jimmy.

Buffet

This is more one of those bonus things, but some bars have Sunday morning all you can eat brunch buffets for $10-$15. If your bar has this, I want to kiss you.

Tables and Chairs

Chairs need to have a back. Stools fail. I’m going to be sitting for hours, and, like most Americans, I have a bad back. Support is a must.

The only rule on tables is to avoid any kind of tablecloth. Tablecloths are annoying, particularly if you’re around drunk people who spill a lot, or if you are a drunk person who spills a lot. Wooden tables are best; if it’s classy, the wood can have a glass top.

Option to Sit Outdoors

This only applies to climates more temperate than the Midwest, but if the option to sit outside and watch the games exists, take it. It makes the bar at least 62% more enjoyable.

Cost

If an appetizer, a meal, and 3-4 beers cost under $25, the bar is good shit.

Fresh off a 4-11-1 week, here are this week’s picks. If you haven’t bet against my picks before, you should now.

Arizona (+1.5) over NEW YORK JETS

The Jets’ biggest weakness – outside of quarterback – is their secondary. Arizona’s greatest strength is their passing game, and they sport a solid defense to boot. Take the points? Take the points.

AJR: New York

CAROLINA (-7) over Atlanta

When Falcons fans look back at Matt Ryan’s 2008, the Chiefs and Lions games will sharply contrast with the remainder of the year. Ryan may turn into an effective quarterback, but right now the Falcons have to rely heavily on Michael Turner. Against above average teams such as Carolina, you can’t win without a passing game.

Carolina’s loss at Minnesota shows they aren’t on the same level as the Dallas/Philly/Green Bay triumvirate. The Panthers might be able to sneak into playoff contention behind their running game, but I think their defense is going to cost them a playoff berth. They still look like a 7-9 team.

AJR: Carolina

Cleveland (+3.5) over CINCINNATI

All hail the coming gayvior!

AJR: Cincinnati

Denver (-9.5) over KANSAS CITY

Denver really, really can’t stop any legitimate NFL teams. Their defense has given up over 30 points at home in two outings. Granted, the Saints and Chargers have two of the best offenses in the NFL, but that’s still inexcusable. And there’s no help on the horizon.

Fortunately for Denver, Kansas City is not a legitimate NFL team. They’ll be able to shut them down enough to cover this spread. The Chiefs won’t be able to keep pace with a Broncos team that could score 50 this week. Their offense is pretty nasty, all things considered. Besides maybe Roethlisberger and Rivers, is there a QB you’d rather have for the next 10 years than Jay Cutler?

AJR: Denver

Green Bay (+1) over TAMPA BAY

In a weak slate of games, this one stands out as watchable. Last week’s loss notwithstanding, Green Bay is one of the NFC’s best teams. Not many teams will be able to shut down their offense, and the defense is good enough to keep pace. The Packers are like Denver only with a slightly less explosive offense but a far superior defense. That set-up should be enough to carry them to a first round bye.

Tampa Bay can’t keep up with the Packers’ scoring. I don’t buy the Bucs’ success against Chicago as being indicative of future success. They seem to have lost their running game, and relying on Brian Griese to lead a playoff berth is dubious unless you have one of the league’s best defenses to fall back on. The Bucs defense is good, but it’s not that good.

On another note, how about Lil’ Wayne’s new blog? Besides brining white people back to hip-hop, this blog might turn out to be the best thing Wayne’s ever done, even if it's clearly ghostwritten. Besides Wayne being a tennis fan and Packer fan – and really, he’d fit right in with crowd at those events – my favorite part is the description on his blog: "Lil' Wayne is a commercially successful rapper and a major sports fan." Simple and elegant. Just like Wayne.

AJR: Green Bay

Houston (+7.5) over JACKSONVILLE

Jacksonville likely saved their season with last week’s win. And in case you’re wondering – yes, I still like Houston and Matt Schaub, and I’ll continue betting on them until they prove me wrong. They’ve lost two games at division leading opponents. I’m not holding that against them. With Steve Slaton’s emergence, they should be able to keep this game within the betting line.

AJR: Houston

TENNESSEE (-3) over Minnesota

Gus Frerotte should be good for a pick six, which is two less than Tarvaris would have been good for . Gus and Brad on the road against a good defense and a ball-control offense with a strong running game? Fuck and no.

Tangent: Rick Reilly is, again, silly. In his list of "which franchise rules your city", he listed the Vikings over the Twins for Minnesota. I didn’t grow up in Minnesota, but I don’t think you’ll find many people disagreeing with me that the Twins are king shit in Minnesota.

AJR: Minnesota

NEW ORLEANS (-6) over San Francisco

We “hosted” a bachelorette party at our house last night. And by hosted, I mean a bachelorette party took place at our house while all male residents vacated to other destinations – Dairy Queen for some, the spacious backseat of a South American prostitute’s Camry for others. But, before leaving, the GldnKnight set a single rule for the party. It’s a rule that ensures a comfortable atmosphere for all and should apply at any and every party you or your loved ones throw.

That rule? No swinging dicks.

AJR: New Orleans

Buffalo (-8) over ST. LOUIS

Have you ever wanted to see a player die on the field? Well, if The Last Boy Scout’s opening scene doesn’t do it for you, tune in this Sunday at 4 P.M. Eastern, when the Rams send out Trent Green behind a porous offensive line.

This potential death has to be the selling point, right? Trent’s in on it and his family is receiving some kind of obnoxious sum of money, yes? That’s the only thing that makes sense. Even Scott Linehan’s players are blasting him for the change, with Marc Bulger refusing to play for him. He can’t possibly be dumb enough to think it will actually work.

AJR: St. Louis

San Diego (-7.5) over OAKLAND

That really was a soul crushing loss for Oakland last week. Even on a short week, I don’t think San Diego has enough of a letdown for this game to be close. The Chargers are far too talented. It’s going to be unfortunate if their early season struggles keep them from winning home field and, thus, the AFC. They’re the best team in the AFC, hands down, and are doing this all without Shawne Merriman.

AJR: San Diego

DALLAS (-11) over Washington

Some people are saying that Washington has turned into some kind of tough opponent. I’m not buying that. They looked bad against the Giants and narrowly beat two average teams in New Orleans and Arizona. And they didn’t look great in either of those games.

Dallas still looks like the NFC’s best club. They were able to run and throw the ball at will on Green Bay, and they adequately shut down the Packers’ offense. I don’t see why any of that should change against an inferior Washington club.

AJR: Dallas

Philadelphia (-3) over CHICAGO

I’d feel much more comfortable about taking the Eagles if Brian Westbrook was playing, but I’ll still take them. Chicago really, really can’t score. That whole week 1 “Orton might be able to lead them to 10 wins and a division title” thought? Um, consider that vanished.

AJR: Philly

PITTSBURGH (-5.5) over Baltimore

The Ravens are not winning this division with Joe Flacco. The defense might be back to awesome levels, but Baltimore still isn’t winning big games on the road with Flacco. He’s just not very good. I refuse to believe they can win with a quarterback who played at division 1-AA (oops, I mean FCS) last season. Also, wins over the Browns and Bengals aren’t impressive. Those teams are terrible.

Pittsburgh should win this game, but at some point Big Ben is going to miss significant time and kill the Steelers season. He’s just not going to be able to withstand the onslaught of opposing rushers he’s seen so far. Baltimore should get to him plenty on Monday night, but unless they’re + 3 in turnovers and get about 14 points from those turnovers, they won’t score enough to win.

AJR: Baltimore

Last Week: 4-11-1

Season: 19-26-2

AJR: 16-13-2

Programming note: There will not be a Sunday Dossier this week. My condolences.

*that’s what she said

CFB Droppin' the Anchor: Now the Fun Begins

Other than a Big-12 championship game featuring Missouri and Oklahoma, the SEC battles figure to be the most important in determining this year’s BCS title game opponents. Last weekend, LSU reminded folks that they are still the defending national champs with a clutch win at Auburn. This weekend, the Dawgs are hosting ‘Bama in what is shaping up to be a slugfest between the hedges.
On a side note: The only time I have been to a blackout, it was at dmk’s house and my anus was sore the following day.

Anyways, there is some real intrigue to the BCS this season. Looking ahead, the Big 12 and SEC championships could act as semifinals to the championship game, as both of these games could feature unbeaten or one-loss team’s squaring off against each other.
And then that whole problem of a potentially unbeaten USC enters the equation and you remember how asinine the BCS really is.
But I am going to go out on a limb and say this season’s BCS controversy will be unmatched. And these problems will cause an overhaul, which will be implemented in 2010.
Onto the games…

Division I: #8 Alabama @ #3 Georgia

I despise Nick Saban and Alabama. To me, this seems like a match made by Satan himself, because neither Saban, nor Alabama and its inhabitants have a soul. I would love to pull a General Sherman and go straight to Tuscaloosa and burn that shithole, bringing No-Shame Nick down with it.
As much as I hate Saban and “Paroll Tide”, I am developing a man-crush on the Bulldogs and Mark Richt. Everytime I watch them play for an extended period of time, Knowshon Moreno has a play that makes me wet my pants. I also like Mark Richt and the fact that he seems like a genuine guy. He listens to his players on anything from fashion to discipline and is not a complete ego maniac….like Saban.

To anyone who watches or has watched college football the last few years, they know that these are two of the top coaches in the nation. These guys make Les Miles look like John McCain at the Naval Academy. So there will really not be a distinct advantage towards Alabama or Georgia on the sidelines.
But they don’t play football games outside the white lines.
Last year, I believe Richt and his Bulldogs turned the corner when they upset Florida in Jacksonville in late October. Since then, Georgia has not lost (10-0) and is outscoring its opponents by an average of 19 points (37-18). Even with their offensive line injuries, I believe the ‘Dawgs will get the job done, in a big way.
Pick: Crimson Tide 20 Bulldogs 31

Runner Up: #24 Texas Christian @ #2 Oklahoma

Division I-A: #1 Richmond @ #19 Villanova
The itsy-bitsy spider kicked Vill-a-no-va’s ass
because their D-Fence
is one-double-A’s best

then came Josh Vaughan

to run it down their throats

And the itsy-bitsy spider

will be ranked #1 again
Pick: Spiders 27 Wildcats 10

Division II: #9 NW Missouri State @ #5 Nebraska-Omaha
The Mavericks, which are in their inaugural year as members of the Mid-America Intercollegiate Athletic Association, host the Bearcats in a matchup of top ten squads. These two teams, which possess the nation’s #6 and #8 ranked scoring offenses, have met the last three seasons, with the home team winning each game. In fact, the home team has won the previous eight games dating back to 1999.
Nebraska-Omaha is the host on Saturday, but this game means a lot more to the Bearcats as they have already fallen once this season. A second loss could mean a playoff absence for the first time in five seasons and senior quarterback Joel Osborn is not going to let that happen.
Pick: Bearcats 49 Mavericks 39

Division III: #16 Ithaca @ #11 St. John Fisher
Since the inception of the Empire 8 Conference in 2002, the Bombers and the Cardinals have shared or won the title every season. Needless to say, this contest should go a long way in determining this year’s “E8” champion. St. John Fisher has righted the ship since a season opening blowout loss to Mount Union, winning their last two games. Ithaca, meanwhile, stomped 2007 co-champion Hartwick 69-42 a week ago. Look for the Bombers, who were embarrassed last season at home in a 37-16 loss to the Cardinals, to get revenge and the inside track to the title crown.

Pick: Bombers 31 Cardinals 26

Minnesota is Focusing on the Wrong MVP

For reasons unbeknown to me, a small Justin Morneau for MVP movement still exists (that Bleacher Report article kills me). Since I always like raining on parades, I’m here to tell you that Morneau for MVP makes zero sense. Zero. Why? Well, besides Justin not being the most valuable player in the American League by any statistical measure, he hasn’t even been the most valuable player on his own team. This season, Joe Mauer has that honor.

Let's support Joe on a case by case basis. We'll start with basic, non-counting (RBI, HR, etc.) offensive statistics:

OBP:
Mauer: .416
Morneau: .380

OPS:
Mauer: .868
Morneau: .895

As we have been over before, one point of OBP is worth much more than one point of slugging, past a certain number - which both players, in this case, surpass. So, while Morneau has a significant advantage in power, this advantage is mitigated by Mauer’s substantial OBP advantage. Hence they are nearly equal in RC/27, which is a statistic that determines how many runs a team would score on a per game basis (27 outs) if one player, in this case Mauer or Morneau, hit in every place in the lineup (i.e. the only batter was Mauer or Morneau):

RC/27:
Mauer: 7.04 (come knock on our door)
Morneau: 7.03

So, both players create about the same amount of offensive output per game. When looking at their OBP/OPS numbers, this seems logical.

But then, why is Mauer more valuable? Well, that’s easy. He’s a catcher. And it’s difficult to get premium offensive production out of a catcher. Mauer and Morneau have essentially equal offensive production, but Mauer’s production is more valuable since it comes from the catcher position. Example: Morneau isn’t even the premier offensive first baseman this season – Kevin Youkilis is – while Mauer blows away the competition at catcher.

For a comparison of offensive value by position, we can turn to VORP: (note: that's not the best explanation of VORP, but at a basic level it will suffice)

VORP:
Mauer: 54.4
Morneau: 50.8

Here, Mauer has a slight advantage – he’s created about 4 more runs this season than Morneau. It’s not tremendous by any means, and if you were judging solely based on offensive production Mauer isn't signficantly more valuable. Still, because Mauer is producing his numbers while playing catcher, his offense is more valuable than Morneau's.

Now, what happens when we factor in defense? Mauer’s advantage grows. Morneau’s RZR – which measures his range at first base – puts him near the bottom of the league.

RZR:
Morneau: .701, with an out of zone (OOZ) play every 62 innings.

That RZR is good for second to last among qualified AL first basemen, and his OOZ is atrocious. Most scouts don’t view Justin as among the better first basemen in the league in terms of his receiving ability.

RZR isn’t calculated for catchers, but Mauer is generally deemed by scouts to be one of the best, if not the best, defensive catchers in the league. Rational people won’t argue that Mauer has a significant advantage in run prevention over Morneau.

If we add the offense and defense together, we get WARP3, which is BP’s way of calculating how many wins a player is worth over a replacement level player at his position. In this case, we have an approximation of how many wins Mauer is worth over a replacement-level catcher and how many wins Morneau is worth over a replacement-level first baseman.

WARP3:
Mauer: 11.7
Morneau: 10.2

(note: WARP3 uses FRAA as their fielding component. I’m not a huge fan of FRAA because of how it’s calculated, but for now it will have to suffice, particularly since it spits out essentially the same thing as RZR is, in this case)

Alternatively, we can use WPA (win probabilty added) over at Fangraphs:

Mauer: 4.70
Morneau: 4.12

Yes, Mauer and Morneau are the AL's top two players in WPA.

Even without delving this deeply into translated statistics, it should be reasonably obvious that, when comparing a catcher and a first baseman with approximately equal offensive production, the catcher is more valuable. When the catcher also has the superior defensive skills, there’s really no question as to who’s the Twins' MVP. Sorry to say, it's not Justin.

I'm willing to debate this point, but if you come back with shit like batting average, RBIs, HRs, errors, etc. I'm going to ban you. I don't have time for that ignorant bullshit.

One Down...Five to Go

With their backs against the wall and a new nemesis lurking on Thursday, the Twins start the stretch run with a 9-3 win over Chicago.

Do you believe?

dmk's Sunday Dossier: Week 3

Week 1

Week 2

Before we begin, I'd like to ask everyone to pour out some Mad Dogg 20/20 for MJD's Smorgasboard, which was the best damn Sunday recap on these here internets. You'll be missed, Smorgasboard.

I enter the bar and, after asking for the Bills-Raiders game to be put on my television, note that only homosexual Tracy Morgan is at the alumni table – I’m sitting on that side of the bar again – and that there seems to be a large gathering of couples for a 45^th birthday brunch. Let me say this right now: if, at any point in my life, I participate in a couples Sunday morning birthday brunch, please shoot me in the face. With a gun. Birthday brunches are gayer than Boy George sucking Freddy Mercury’s dick.

I’m getting the Buffalo-Oakland, Carolina-Minnesota, and Tampa Bay-Chicago games. I can also turn around and see the Washington-Arizona game. I don’t hate myself enough to do that.

Oh, the Bills are wearing their throwbacks today. As much as I hate the Bills usual game day uniforms – and I really, really dislike them – the throwbacks almost make me hate the Bills jersey designers less. Almost.

It’s an ugly day in Buffalo. The sky is grey, although I can’t quite figure out if it’s raining.

My waitress this week is wearing an Adrian Peterson jersey and rocking a nose stud, among other things. She looks like she lost her virginity in a hayloft.

In Buffalo, Johnnie Lee Higgins returns the opening kickoff inside the Bills’ 30. The Bills then literally put 8 men on the line of scrimmage…and promptly jump offsides.

Fortunately, Jamarcus Russell has zero touch. Russell manages to throw a one step fade route five yards into the stands. Oakland settles for a field goal and goes up 3-0.

Carolina moves the ball downfield pretty easily and goes up 3-0. For Tarvaris Jackson, that deficit might be insurmountable.

There’s a table full of white men in their 70’s, all of whom are wearing Tarvaris Jackson T-shirts. That was not the demographic to which I thought Tarvaris Jackson appealed.

Within a span of three minutes, I see, in order: Marshawn Lynch drop a potential first down; Minnesota flagged for holding; Trent Edwards take a bad sack; and Shiancoe drop another pass.

We are now joined by a college friend of mine who is passing through because he had a family member involved in a multiple felony situation. Upon arriving, his order is for “something tall…something cold…something with booze…just make sure there’s a lot of it.”

Gus picks up where Tarvaris left off, throwing behind his receiver and having the ball picked off. That wasn’t completely Gus’ fault, even if it was a poor throw.

Meanwhile, Sheriff Gonna Getcha puts the Redskins up 7-0 on Arizona.

Michael Bush breaks off a nice gain for Oakland. Somehow, Miami is up on New England 14-0. I haven’t seen any highlights yet, but I’m guessing there was some kind of nuclear attack in Boston and the Dolphins are playing the cancer-stricken survivors. At least, that’s what I’m hoping happened.

The Raiders punt, but it doesn’t matter. Trent Edwards looks fucking awful. This is the Bills offense I remember – an inaccurate QB constantly running for his life.

Carolina fumbles. Whatever.

A Raiders fan and his female significant other enter the building. As a youngster, I spent a lot of time in Southern California, so I became familiar with Raiders fans. This particular Raiders fan fits my stereotype to a T: Latin American, Mustache, short, a bit loud, and dragging along a wife with long, black, greasy hear. He sits down at the table next to mine and, in another shocking development, orders a Dos Equis, following through with “make sure it’s not light.”

I can’t figure out why, but the Raiders continue to run fades with Jamarcus Russell at QB.

The Dolphins continue to lead in New England. I really want to see what’s happening, but nobody will show me highlights.

Have you ever seen a true biker couple? Well, they just entered. Both are about 5’5 and pudgy. The guy is wearing cargo shorts and a black T-shirt with something I can’t read on it; he’s got a beard he hasn’t shaved in at least two months and multiple nose piercings. The girl is wearing camo cargo shorts, some kind of denim jacket over a white t shirt, sandals, and high white socks with playing cards on them. She’s carrying a book that rivals both the Bible and my cock for thickness. This leads to the following exchange between my college buddy and I:

Buddy: What kind of person brings a book into a sports bar on a Sunday?

Me: What kind of person appears in fucking public looking like that?

Buddy: touché

I lost track of writing down observations for awhile. We’re now in the third quarter of most games – Minnesota is leading, Miami is inexplicably leading New England on a Superman-like performance out of Ronnie Brown, Buffalo is terrible, and the Chicago-Tampa game is…still being played.

Buffalo comes out strong in the second half, as Roscoe Parrish inexplicably fields a punt a yard deep in his end zone. He brings the ball out to around the 20, but a block in the back penalty puts Buffalo on their own 1 yard line.

Trent Edwards is promptly intercepted. Oakland punches it in shortly thereafter, and it’s 16-7 Raiders. If the Bills lose this game, it completely invalidates their previous two wins.

Miami is up 28-6. I suppose that’s some consolation.

Apparently there are two Raiders fans here. Now, the Mexican and his wife have been partially annoying, but only because they’re rooting for the Raiders. This new Raiders guy – holy shit. He’s got a newspaper with a bunch of shit circled on it – the first sign of a degenerate gambler – and he’s the guy who second guesses everything his coach does. He’s also sitting a ways back from Mexican Raiders guy, so he’s yelling.

By the way: there has been, again, far too many people yelling about their fantasy players scoring. I’ve now become resigned to being the only person annoyed with this – or at least the only person willing to admit he’s annoyed with this. So you won’t hear me bitch about it any more in the dossier.

Raiders advice guy (the non Mexican Raiders fan) is now bitching about Jamarcus Russell, calling him an idiot for holding out because “…you’re just going to pay more in taxes anyway, what’s the difference between 35 and 40 million.” I’m guessing he isn’t employed as an accountant.

Miami is up 35-13. They haven’t won a road game since Thanksgiving of 2006.

Buffalo is going to need a defensive or special teams score to win this game. Their offense can’t do shit.

Apparently you can challenge pass interference calls now. In Buffalo, the Raiders challenge whether a ball was tipped at the line of scrimmage; if it was (and it clearly was) the Raiders’ PI penalty will be waived off. All three of the Raiders fans in the bar are complaining about referee conspiracy theories against the Raiders.

12 minutes remain in Buffalo, with the Bills down 16-7. Derrick Dockery jump starts the drive by getting flagged for holding. Meanwhile, our Raiders fan friends are wondering why the Bills keep attacking DeAngleo Hall. I’ll tell you why, people: because DeAngelo Hall is a poor football player. The Mexican’s wife also wonders why a Bills fan is wearing a koala on her head. I don’t have the heart to tell her it’s a Buffalo.

Kyle Orton looks good enough in Chicago as the Bears lead Tampa.

As Trent Edwards completes a huge third down pass to Roscoe Parrish, it’s revealed the female Raiders fan smokes. The bar is full of surprises today.

Santana Moss scores in Washington, putting the ‘Skins up 24-17.

Marshawn Lynch gets across the goal line for Buffalo, as the Raiders’ Gibril Wilson gets ejected. It’s 16-14 with 8 minutes left to play.

Minnesota leads 20-10 with 6 minutes left to play, and my care cup for that game is empty.

Ok, the care cup is half-full because of the following line said by the Minnesota-Carolina announcers: “Carolina needs to get the Vikings off here.”

Jamarcus Russell is 1/1 for 7 yards in the second half. Oakland starts at their own 18 with 7:45 to play; if Buffalo gets a stop here, they might be able to pull this out.

Well, fucking cancel that. Russell hits Johnnie Lee Higgins for an 84 yard touchdown. It was a quick slant that MLB Paul Posluszny gambled on and, well, lost horribly. Higgins did celebrate on the way in to the endzone and Donte Whitner thumped him after the whistle for it. That was fun to see.

Mr. Raiders advice guy is ripping Lane Kiffin for calling a pass on third and long, even though it just resulted in a touchdown. Raider guy is telling everyone within earshot that he coached for a number of years and knows more than Kiffin. He says he should be coaching this team. Mind you, this is after a probable game-clinching touchdown that puts the Raiders up 23-14. His response to these queries: “Kiffin got lucky, it was the right call at the wrong time.”

Buffalo and New England are apparently both looking at mulligan games.

Ok. I’ve heard some dumb shit in my day, but this takes the take. Our biker friend is discussing referee conspiracies with our Mexican Raiders friend and his wife. Biker guy firmly believes the Vikings and Raiders are both victims of referee conspiracies. Now, that’s dumb. We can agree on that. But they take it a step further, in a sequence that results in everyone’s intelligence being lowered and me hoping to spontaneously combust: wife brings up the tuck rule game; biker guy says that “you can’t expect the call to go against Tom Brady, since he’s the NFL’s golden boy” (conveniently ignoring that game was Brady’s first year starting); Mexican saying that no calls go against the Patriots; and then wife topping it all with “yeah, it was 9/11 that year, so there’s no way the NFL would let a team called the Patriots lose.”

There you have it, Icy-Hot reader: 9/11 caused the Raiders to lose in the playoffs. I’m heading outside to recreationally siphon gasoline.

James Hardy enters and drops a pass.

Worst potential loss: NE to MIA, BUF to OAK, or CIN to NYG?

Trent hits Roscoe Parrish to pull Buffalo within 23-21. 4 minutes remain, and Buffalo will presumably kick deep. They have one timeout left and no business winning this game.

Brian Griese has thrown 52 passes in Chicago. He hits Champion Jerramy Stevens to tie up the game in Chicago at 24. We’re headed to overtime there.

Jamarcus Russell and the Raiders take over own their own 20 with 4:03 on the clock. Russell slips coming out of center on first down, the Raiders run for no gain on second down, and Russell overthrows another fade route on third down. Oakland will punt.

Buffalo gets the ball back at their own 34 with 2:20 remaining. Let me reiterate: Buffalo has no business winning this game.

The Bills have marched to the Raiders 40 at the two minute warning. And yes, there have been more referee conspiracy theories floating around, along with Mr. Raiders Advice Guy yelling about how he’s a better coach than Kiffin.

Jeff Garcia is a captain for the Bucs overtime coin toss. That seems inappropriate.

Lynch runs the ball inside the Raiders 25 yard line. I don’t know the wind situation in Buffalo, but after Lindell’s earlier miss Rian does not inspire confidence.

Lynch goes inside the 20 and Rian Lindell will be kicking a 37 yarder to win. There’s more Kiffin blame afoot. Lindell has made 41 straight kicks inside the 40 yard line, which is actually pretty remarkable.

And Lindell makes it 42 in a row. Buffalo wins 24-23.

I’m leaving now, because I can’t stand to be around these fucking people. As I depart, I see the Mexican Raiders guy throw his keys to his wife and say “drive” right before he chugs his beer. Mr. Raiders Advice guy tells the Mexican Raiders fan “I predicted everything” as he leaves. Fuck you both very much.