Bang the Champ: Happy Halloween, Chickenf-ckers

This week’s Bang the Champ lacks its gay weekly introduction. Instead, you get solely game analysis. Well, not solely game analysis. This week we’ll be ranking the games according to interest level. They run 1-14. Going along with that, we’ll rank Halloween candy 1-14 on a scale of how kids would view the goodies. As someone who has the maturity of the average six year old, I’m perfectly qualified to tell you how kids will react to your Halloween candy selection. I suggest you follow this list unless you want your house to get egged by some unappreciative assholes.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups: Pittsburgh (+1.5) over WASHINGTON

Reese’s remains the king of Halloween candy, and one doesn’t fuck with the champ. Resse’s chocolatey, peanut-buttery excellence is second to none. Next to a conversion van with balloons, puppies, and you in a clown outfit, giving out Reese’s assures your place as a desired trick or treat house.

Similarly, Pittsburgh-Washington is, far and away, this week’s best game. I like Pittsburgh here, primarily because I’m not convinced Washington has the pass rush to disrupt Roethlisberger in the way the Giants did. As well as Jason Campell and Zorn’s offense have performed, Pittsburgh’s defense should be able to limit them. Washington hasn’t played a defense like Pittsburgh’s since Week 1, when they struggled against New York. Expect a tight game that turns on a field goal.

AJR: Pittsburgh

Butterfinger: New York Jets (+5.5) over BUFFALO

Because butterfingers are my favorite Halloween candy, and this is my favorite game - solely because it involves my favorite team in a crucial divisional matchup. Buffalo is a very tough home team, and after last week’s loss in Miami I expect Buffalo to come out prepared and not turn the ball over four goddamn times. But, after last week’s loss, I once again have doubts about the Bills’ ability to stop the pass. Notwithstanding Favre’s ability to keep both teams in the game, Buffalo’s suspect pass defense should allow the Jets to keep this game close, if not pull off an outright upset.

AJR: New York Jets

Twix: INDIANAPOLIS (-5.5) over New England

Like this game, Twix used to be more enjoyable. But after overindulging on them as a youngster, Twix has lost some of its appeal. I’m more of a Reese’s/Butterfinger type of guy now. Similarly, this game used to be enticing, but because of each team’s struggles, and Brady’s absence, this game has lost some of its appeal.

New England has a gaudy record, but that’s because they haven’t played anyone. The last time they went on the road to a semi-decent San Diego team, they were special guests in Shawne Merriman’s rape wagon. It won’t be a shock to see Peyton desecrate Deltha O’Neal in the same way Marmalard did. Despite losing Marlin Jackson for the season, the Colts get a boost from the expected return of Joseph Addai and Bob Sanders. Indianapolis should win handily and keep their wild card hopes alive.

AJR: Indianapolis

Kit Kat: NEW YORK GIANTS (-8.5) over Dallas

Although they’re never the best, Kit Kat’s are always good Halloween candy. The chocolate and crisp cracker/wafer thing is cool. Chocolate is always better when it’s cruncy. You’re going to have a good experience with Kit Kats, but your candy experience could be just a bit better. Sort of like how you’ll have a good football experience with this game, but it could be better with Pittsburgh-Washington.

I don’t have a ton of faith in Brad Johnson on the road, particularly with the Giants’ fierce pass rush. He’s not elusive enough to evade any rush, and with Johnson lacking ability to stretch the field the Giants can keep enough men in the box to limit the Cowboys’ running attack. On offense, the G-Men should put up enough points against this struggling Dallas defense to cover. Plaxico and Kevin Boss could have big days.

AJR: Dallas

Snickers: TENNESSEE (-5.5) over Green Bay

Snickers are highly overlooked, but still quality. Pairing chocolate, caramel, and peanuts always makes for a fun eating experience. Just like pairing a dynamic defense in Tennesee with a dynamic offense in Green Bay makes for a fun football watching experience.

In this case, I’m taking the home team. Although I’m hesitant because of Green Bay’s ability to jump out to a quick lead and make Tennessee play catch up – something they can’t do well – I don’t think that happens here. Tennessee’s defense is good enough to shut down Green Bay’s passing attack for 60 minutes. Additionally, Green Bay has one of the worst run defenses in the NFL. Chris Johnson and company should have a field day on the ground.

On another note: For Halloween, if anyone dresses as Vince Young and carries around a gun – real or fake – and a bucket of fried chicken, please send me a picture. You’ll get a Free Icy-Hot Sensations T-shirt, a $1.95 value! Another option for you is an Isaiah Thomas jersey and an empty bottle of pills. If you have a small fuck trophy/niece/sex slave, dress her up as Isaiah’s daughter and have her carry the pills. Again, free shirt. Both are sure to be big hits with the ladies.

(In case you're wondering, I'm going as the guys from the my new haircut video, primarily because that's what I wear/how I act on a daily basis.)

AJR: Green Bay

Nestle Crunch: Baltimore (+1.5) over CLEVELAND

Crunch Bars are extremely underrated. Rice cake type shit covered in chocolate? Fuck and yes. Remember when Shaq endorsed Crunch bars, then, a few years later, hosted a show on getting kids to lose weight? What a whore.

Due to Cleveland’s recent revival, this game is underrated, too. Cleveland won’t be a playoff team – not with their schedule – but they’ll be a tough opponent from here on out. Particularly at home. With Flacco going on the road to a tough venue, but backed by a strong defense, this game should be close. And good football as well.

AJR: Cleveland

Skittles: DENVER (-3.5) over Miami

Were I a man who enjoyed the feeling of a throbbing hard sausage in my mouth, I’d absolutely use “Can I Taste Your Rainbow” as a pick-up line. Lest, I’m not that man.

If you’re going to give out candy at Halloween, you really should make sure it’s chocolate based. Lack of chocolate always leads to disappointment. Plus, chocolate is an aphrodisiac, in case you’re looking to get lucky with a mother and/or her kid. But I suppose if you’re going to give out a non-chocolate candy, Skittles should be what you give out. It won’t thrill the kids, but nobody hates Skittles. Bonus points if you give out those sour Skittles.

For fun, let’s compare Chad Pennington to Brett Favre in traditional statistics:

Favre: 89.5 QB Rating, 68.5 Completion % in 235 attempts, 1611 yards, 15 TD/11 INT, 6.9 Yards/Attempt,

Pennington: 100.5 QB Rating, 69.3 Completion % in 202 attempts, 1710 yards, 7 TD/3 INT, 8.5 Yards/Attempt

Chad has a higher completion percentage, better TD/INT ratio, and a higher yards/attempt. Pennington holds a decisive advantage in advanced/defense adjusted statistics as well. All Favre’s mediocrity cost the Jets was a second round pick and seeing their QB aid a division rival while the division rival's eventual franchise QB gets to learn from the sidelines. No wonder the Bills have a shot in this division.

Despite Pennington’s excellent season and Miami’s strong ground game, I like the Broncos. Miami won’t be able to shut down Denver’s passing attack. The Dolphins run defense is excellent, and Joey Porter’s having a surprise rebound season, but none of that will matter with the way Denver throws the ball. As good as the Dolphins looked last week in beating the Bills, they got three turnovers plus a gift safety. Without those types of gaffes, the Dolphins won’t win this game, particularly if it’s a shootout. I’m betting Denver, at home, controls the ball better than Buffalo did.

AJR: Denver

Mounds: ST. LOUIS (+3) over Arizona

Some people like Mounds. Me? I fucking hate coconut in candy, cake, or anything besides alcoholic drinks, so Mounds can eat a dick. Similarly, some people like this game, but I think it can also eat a dick.

Still, this game should be an entertaining affair. Inexplicably, the Rams have played well under Jim Haslett, and I can think of no bigger an indictment of Scott Linehan’s coaching ability than the stark difference in play between the team’s performance under Linehan and its performance under Haslett. St. Louis is a tough out at home, particularly now that Donnie Avery has emerged as a legitimate complement to Torry Holt. If Steven Jackson’s healthy, the Rams should control the time of possession enough to keep Arizona’s potent passing attack on the sidelines. I think St. Louis wins outright.

AJR: St. Louis

Any candy with booze in the middle: DETROIT (+13) over Chicago

The candy is only booze-related because Kyle Orton is involved. I’m not a huge fan of alcoholic candy, primarily because it doesn’t get you drunk. Also, I’d rather have something like nougat than the shitty alcohol they put in candy. Now, a nougat-flavored alcohol? Yes.

Chicago’s good, but not great. Not good enough to cover any 13 point spread against any NFL team, at least. Although I’m not sure the Lions count as an NFL team.

AJR: Detroit

Chocolate Covered Raisins: KANSAS CITY (+9) over Tampa Bay

Before the Chiefs decided to use a college-like spread offense, this game was just raisins. Meaning you want no part of it, because raisins are healthy and boring, and healthy stuff on Halloween blows. But adding one team running the spread to this game is like adding chocolate to raisins: it makes what is otherwise dull enticing. Mind you, it’s still not great, but it’s not vomit inducing either.

Tampa giving 9 on the road? Nah. Mind you, I think this Tampa team is probably the cream of the NFC South – even with Carolina having a better current record – but they aren’t a juggernaut. After the Chiefs had a tough game in New York last weekend, it’s not unrealistic to expect them to play this one close as well. Although I suppose that depends on the spread offense’s success. The Chiefs hope they can reinvent themselves as a spread team is only slightly more misguided than Joe the Plumber’s hope he can reinvent himself as a musician. Fortunately, the Chiefs should at least be mildly entertaining and not nearly as brutal on the ears.

AJR: Tampa Bay

Razor Blades and Dirty Needles: OAKLAND (+3) over Atlanta

Only because Raider fans probably give out razor blades and dirty needles for Halloween.

Oakland should win this game. Their defense is solid, and Nnamdi Asomugha should be able to shut down Roddy White and force Matt Ryan to look elsewhere. While the Falcons have played strong thusfar, I’m not taking them to cover on a cross country trip against tough home team.

AJR: Atlanta

Starburst: Houston (+4.5) over MINNESOTA

Bland. Boring. Underwhelming. Queerly named and outfitted. Both Starburst and these teams will inevitably leave you disappointed. Sure, in one case it’s free candy, and in another case it’s NFL football. But you could do better. In both cases.

Houston seems to have found some answers on offense – Andre Johnson has been the NFL’s best WR for the past month, and the two-headed monster of Steve Slaton and Ahman Green has given the Texans a formidable ground attack. Meanwhile, Minnesota remains mired in mediocrity, primarily because of the offense, and will only get worse if they lose the Williams boys for an extended period of time. Expect Johnson to have a huge day, as Minnesota’s defense, as good as they’ve been, struggles against #1 WRs. Houston might not win outright, but they’ll cover.

AJR: Minnesota

Animal Crackers: SEATTLE (+7) over Philadelphia

No kid wants animal crackers on Halloween. This isn’t fucking Earth Day. If you’re smart, generous, or possess a fully functioning frontal lobe, you won’t give out animal crackers. Crackers don’t count as candy, and, frankly, animal crackers taste like fucking cardboard unless they’re the deluxe ones that come in those boxes that look like a zoo cage.

Similarly, nobody wants this game on their TV, and Seattle is full of hippies who probably go overboard for environmentalism and give out animal crackers on Halloween. Fucking hippies. Give the kids some goddamn candy.

This is a major trap game for Philadelphia, as the Eagles make the cross country trip to play a shitty team the week before a primetime matchup with the first place Giants. Seattle won’t win, but the Eagles will struggle enough to keep this game interesting.

AJR: Philadelphia

Apples: CINCINNATI (+8) over Jacksonville

Are you that eccentric hippie who wants to help prevent childhood obesity by weaning kids off candy as snacks and substitute sweets with healthy alternatives? Well, good for you. You’re undertaking a noble, if futile, goal. But do so on your own fucking time. Halloween is a poor time to get kids to change their eating habits. It’s like trying to convince someone to be a vegetarian on Fourth of July, or someone to go on a diet on Thanksgiving. Your head might be in the right place, but your timing is off. As such, get ready for a flaming bag of shit on your front porch and possibly a banana in your tailpipe. Literally, not metaphorically. You deserve it, you fucking douche. God, I bet your kids get their asses kicked on the playground.

Similar to nobody wanting apples, nobody wants to watch this game. Cincinnati has a legitimate shot at 0-16 – which is pretty remarkable when you consider they have Chad Johnson and T.J. Houshmandzadeh at WR – while Jacksonville is a far cry from the Super Bowl contender some dipshits believed them to be. Still, Jacksonville has enough talent to cover this game.

AJR: Jacksonville

Last Week: 4-9-1

Season: 53-57-6

AJR: 53-57-6

Droppin the Anchor: F- - k Off, Todd Dodge

Todd Dodge, who the fuck do you think you are?

For those of you who are not familiar with Mr. Dodge, he is the head coach of the North Texas Mean Green football team. The Mean Green is off to the worst start in school history at 0-8. They have not kept any of their opponents from putting up 35 points or more points on the scoreboard, while their average margin of defeat is currently 33.25 points per game.
To put it bluntly, they suck sweaty ballsac.

Futility is not, however, what brings Coach Dodge and North Texas into the spotlight. Oh no, Coach Dodge decided to that this would be the year where he would play the role of a parent, police officer, and cockjob for his players. He decided, unbeknownst to the whole team, to conduct a drug test on his entire roster.
Yes, you read that correctly. He made his players take a drug test, for no reason.

So let me ask again…Todd Dodge, who in the fuck do you think you are?

Fifteen of the eighty-six players tested positive for what were termed as “recreational drugs”. That translates to 17.4 percent of his team. A 2004 University of Minnesota study found 15.7 percent of college aged students used pot. In addition, a 2002 study from the government concluded that around 16 percent of high school seniors were users of marijuana. I suspect that both of these studies are slightly lower than actually rates, because of the sheepishness of respondents to admit to smoking dope. Finally, I reminisced about my own experiences and teammates during my college football career. I concluded that an average of 25 percent of my teammates, including myself, would have had the possibility of failing a random drug test.
Thus, when it comes down to it, North Texas is par for the course of Pot Smoking 101 when compared to the national statistics.

SO SERIOUSLY, WHO THE FUCK DOES TODD DODGE THINK HE IS?

I know, I know YOU have the authority to test your team whenever you see fit, Coach Dodge. YOU also have the authority to resign, because you are a coward. This is college you fuckface, not fucking Southlake Carroll High School. Most people go to college to get: sloppy drunk multiple times a week, an education, an STD, high, and then to play football. In that exact goddamn order. College is a special place with memories that are rarely spoken to anyone outside your collegiate friend group. Think about it, did you ever hear stories about your parents' college experience until you were actually in a place of higher education? No. You know why? BECAUSE COLLEGE WILL ALWAYS BE THE SAME WITH DRUGS, BOOZE, SEX, AND NO SLEEP.

Todd Dodge if you want to do something that might make a difference in the world, teach your players that there is more to life than football. Teach them to use a condom. Teach them that a single parent household is harmful to a child. Teach them that knowledge is power. Teach them ideals and values.

OHH, THAT’S RIGHT, YOU ARE DOING YOUR PLAYERS SUCH A SERVICE BY TEACHING THEM ABOUT THE HARMFUL EFFECTS OF POT.

Get Fucked.

Testing your players just because you feel like it…or possibly to take the focus away from your shitty coaching job is setting a terrible precedent. These are men, not adolescent boys and they should not have to put up with your junior high shit. It shows absolutely, positively no trust in your student-athletes. You think they are going to trust your play calling and schemes if you can’t even stay out of their personal life? Fuck no, and that’s why you’ll be coaching high school ball again in a couple of years, you Nazi. No 18-year old player is going to want to come and play for your sorry ass, because you are a pile of shit.

Hell, if you get power hungry, why not have a cop follow your players around, and if one of them happens to drink and drive, BAM!, they are tagged with a DWI? Or why do you have yourself and your coaching staff drug tested, as well as monitored when they go out?

In fact, you should increase your testing and monitoring policies to the entire school, students and faculty included. Leave no vaporizer unturned! In fact, you could sit and masturbate to thoughts of yourself as every man and woman has to take a piss in a glass...I wish you would get an Apache spear to the jugular right now, because then we could laugh because karma once again came out on top.

Lastly, why not have some balls and say that the guys tested positive for marijuana use? Calling it recreational drugs further skews the problem and makes it sound like these guys could be meth heads or something, you chicken fucker. Go to Hell.

The games...

Division I: #1 Texas at #7 Texas Tech
I don’t think I have picked Texas to win all season against a tough opponent. No sense in starting this week in Lubbock.
Pick: Longhorns 39 Red Raiders 45

Runner up: #8 Florida at #6 Georgia (at Jacksonville)

Division I-AA: #3 Wofford at #2 Appalachian State
I think the Terriers will keep their roll from last week’s thrashing of Elon going, and clinch the 2008 Southern title with an upset of the Mountaineers in Boone, NC
Pick: Terriers 49 Mountaineers 45

Division II: #19 West Chester at #4 Bloomsburg
I know I am supposed to preview all these featured games from the different divisions.

But, does anyone really give two shits about D-II? Me either.
Pick: Golden Rams 22 Huskies 31

Division III: #10 Wesley at #16 Salisbury
Seagulls shit everywhere, and Saturday it will be on the Wolverines’ face. Hot Carls for all!
Pick: Wolverines 29 Seagulls 36

2008-09 Minnesota Timberwolves Preview: Improving on Mediocrity

Tomorrow night, the Minnesota Timberwolves open their twentieth season of play in the National Basketball Association. Twelve of those campaigns have been below average and this season figures to be no different. The great men here at Icy-Hot Sensations will be in attendance for around 41 games combined, and likely sober for exactly zero of those contests. THE NBA: WHERE ALCOHOLISM……HAPPENS

Anyway, before we embark on our season of losing basketball, I thought it would be good to preview the 2008-09 version of the Wolves.

The biggest news of the offseason was the trade of potential superstar OJ Mayo to Memphis for two gringos, Kevin Love and Mike Miller. General Manager Kevin McHale really stuck his neck out for Love on this trade, especially considering the shitty history of draft-day deals for McHale. The deal made sense for Minnesota, both in terms of money and performance potential. Mike Miller will give Randy Wittman a much needed sharp-shooter to free up room for Al Jefferson to maneuver in the paint and driving lanes for Rashad McCants and Randy Foye.

This swap with Memphis can only work if Love improves greatly in the next two seasons. To me, there was no question that Mayo is more “NBA ready” than Love at this point in their basketball careers. The Wolves, however, are not going to compete for a playoff spot this season, so this move cannot fully be evaluated until at least the 2010 offseason. In addition, with an ever tough Western Conference, it was prudent of McHale to concede this season and last, and built for the postseason in 2009-10 or 2010-11…especially if Nikola Pekovic can be lured across the pond.

Sadly, that does not help us or our fellow season ticket holders for this year, McHale! I hope Crunch rips off your leg when he slides down the aisle by your seats and you howl like a little bitch for the Howl-o-Meter because of the excruciating pain.

There are a few bright spots to this roster, and none is brighter than “Big” Al Jefferson. Jefferson is coming off his first season at the Center de Tarjay in which he averaged 21 points and 11 rebounds per game. These stats should be comparable or even improve this year, depending on the help he receives from the improved perimeter shooters. If there is a knock on Big Al, it comes on the defensive end. Many times the 24-year old forward looked lazy and overmatched in the post, especially when playing against quicker players like Amare Stoudamire or David West. If Jefferson can improve defensively, he should be a no-brainer pick for the 2009 All-Star Game in Phoenix.

Another bright spot for the T-Wolves should be third-year guard Randy Foye. Foye, who played in only just 39 games a season ago, is in a make or break season with the Wolves. The Villanova star was selected to be a decade long solution at one of the guard spots for Minnesota, and thus far he has been a disappointment. With Mike Miller assuming the starting shooting guard spot, Foye will concentrate on being the team’s full-time point guard. His ability to create opportunities for his teammates while also staying aggressive and getting to the rim will be imperative to the Wolves’ success.

The two enigmas on the squad are McCants and Corey Brewer. Two first round lottery picks, each of whom are terrible in one aspect of their game. That problem does not bode well in the NBA. As aggressive and talented as Rashad McCants is on offense he is equally as timid and disinterested on the defensive end. This does not translate into consistent individual or team basketball, especially considering the Wolves surrendered nearly 103 points a season ago. For Brewer, he failed to develop anything that resembled an effective jump shot. That problem, when coupled with his starved Ethiopian child physique, is not the recipe for an offensive juggernaut. Brewer does have the potential to be a Tayshaun Prince-style player defensively, but his offensive game is still a work in progress as is his physical strength.

Two keys for Minnesota in their 20th season will be their ability to finish strongly in the fourth quarter and improve their play away from Minneapolis. In 2007-08, the T-Wolves lost 16 games in which they led or were tied after the third quarter. In addition, they were the league worst team on the road, going 7-34. If the young Timberpuppies develop a killer instinct and get the blown leads total into single digits while improving their road record to a victory total in the range of 12-15 wins, that would be a step in the right direction.

AJR26’s Prediction: 29-53, 4th in Northwest Division, 12th in Western Conference

Question: Do You Throw A Starter or A Reliever?

Game 5 of the World Series was suspended tonight. When the game continues tomorrow night, it will be the bottom of the 6th inning with the score tied, 2-2. My mostly rhetorical question is: if you are the Phillies and Rays, who starts pitching when play resumes?

GldnKnight and I had whatever is the opposite of a heated discussion tonight about who should start. I'm of the belief each team should throw their Game 6 starter, which in Tampa's case would be James Shields and in Philadelphia's case would be Brett Myers. I'll try summarizing my reasoning below. I know I've missed some points, but the general thoughts should be present.

My reasoning for Tampa: if they lose they're eliminated, so they need to throw their best pitcher. Shields is their best pitcher. It does no good to "save" Shields for Game 6 and start someone like Edwin Jackson on the hope that you can take the lead with Jackson on the hill and then turn the game over to David Price. Were Jackson able to get you through Game 5, that would be great. But with my back against the wall I wouldn't count on that happening. Were Tampa leading 3-1 and heading home for Games 6 and 7, I'd be more inclined to hear the argument for starting Jackson. Or even Price. But, as is, I'd throw Shields tomorrow. He gives you the best chance to win.

My reasoning for Philadelphia: ideally, Philly would eke out a run in the bottom of the 6th or 7th, turn the ball over to Madson/Lidge, and take home the Series. But do you want to count on that? If you start someone from the bullpen and get to the 8th or 9th without a lead, then what? Do you bring in your long reliever/available starter then, to throw extra innings? If so, why wait? You'd be taxing the bullpen and, if you lose, heading back to Tampa up 3-2 (which is, to be honest, not an appealing scenario) but looking at a possiblity of having to throw Lidge and/or Madson three days in a row. Not enticing. Trot out Myers tomorrow and you don't worry about any possibility of extras. Plus, you don't use up parts of your bullpen and you don't have relievers throwing in an unfamiliar starter's role - although this last part is a very small concern. I'll admit the argument for Philly throwing Myers is weaker than the argument for Tampa throwing Shields.

Anyway, were I managing either team I'd start my Game 6 starter. In Tampa's case, Shields definitely gives you the best chance to win. In Philly's case, throwing the bullpen for a few innings in hopes you get to bring in Lidge or Madson is too risky. Throw Myers and worry about the consequences later. If the game ends quickly - i.e. in 9 innings - each team would be able to bring back their starter in a Game 7 relief role.

You may disagree with me. If so, you get a Stanley Nickel.

Bang the Champ: Kellen Does Not Wish to Take the Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl

Literally speaking, at least.

If you made it all the way through last week’s Bang the Champ without chugging a liter of iodine, you may remember one of the tags was the poorly-worded “Kellen Winslow’s intelligence equates with Hellen Keller’s vision.” Ah, Hellen Keller jokes. Still lamer than Christopher Reeve’s legs. The point of the tag was to state that Pvt. First Class Winslow’s intelligence was lacking. I still feel that way. Guy’s dumber than a bag of Terry Bradshaw’s shit.

But even Terry Bradshaw’s shit inadvertently makes a decent point every once a decade. This week, Corporal Winslow was suspended after ripping the Browns organization. Why did he rip the organization? Well, due to Cleveland’s unclean facilities, K2 was victimized by a staph infection. Some said his injury was swollen wedding tackle, but that apparently wasn’t the case. The Browns covered up his illness, and Winslow later clarified things. Classy.

Anyway, Winslow contracted his staph infection from the Browns facilities. He’s supposedly not the first member of the team to contract such an infection. This made Kellen feel the Browns weren’t doing their part to keep the players healthy. This seems fair, right? It’s a fairly logical conclusion, and pretty impressive for a Miami graduate. Instead, he’s being called selfish by both his GM and idiot columnists, mostly for speaking out against Cleveland’s policies.

I assume that at least some of you who read this blog have full time jobs. Let’s say that, for sake of argument, you’re a plumber at, I don’t know, Joe’s Plumbing in Bumblefuck, Ohio. Now imagine that 5 of your co-workers have contracted crabs from using Joe’s restroom facilities. You’d probably want Joe to take action, right? If a few months later, you contracted crabs even after management assured you the danger had dissipated, you’d be pretty pissed, right? You may go outside the company to bring attention to the problem. For example, write a letter to a local newspaper about your shitty working conditions and indifferent management. I think that’d be fair. It’s a reasonable reaction. And chances are you’d be looked upon favorably for “speaking out” for the “average worker.” People would be sympathetic to your cause. If you were a middle class worker, the chances you’d be called “selfish” and not a “company-first” person are pretty low. Ridiculing someone like that isn’t smart from a public relations standpoint. And, frankly, it’s not logical.

(Note: I know that, legally, most employees are at-will employees who could be fired at any time for actions such as speaking out against the company. Don’t bring that employment law bullshit around here. It’s irrelevant to this discussion. Winslow could also be fired, but, unlike your worker at Joe’s, he won’t be fired because of the value he brings to his company.)

Why should NFL players be asked to tolerate subpar working conditions? Yes, I know Kellen Winslow is asking for a new contract, has a history of dipshittery, and is probably 75% retarded. He’s not the most sympathetic figure. But even assholes like him deserve acceptable working conditions. He’s not paid millions of dollars to subject himself to risk of injury from staph infections. He’s paid the money mostly because he’s one of the most skilled people in the world at his particular profession, and partially because he’s subjecting himself to a physical pounding that may leave him a drooling vegetable by the time he’s 45. This on-field injury risk is the risk compensation part of his salary; staph infections from unclean team facilities aren’t the risks for which he’s being compensated.

NFL players deal with enough bullshit from overobsessed fans and idiot media members. They shouldn’t have to worry about contracting diseases from using their own team facilities. Kellen was perfectly justified in speaking out about the Browns’ lack of clean facilities. There’s nothing wrong with him expressing concern over the situation, as he said he was doing. For suspending Winslow, Phil Savage and the Browns can get fucked. Employees in any company shouldn’t have to deal with risking injury just by using company facilities, particularly when they aren’t compensated for that risk. NFL players, just because they earn millions of dollars, aren’t any different.

Arizona (+4.5) over CAROLINA

Kurt Warner’s revival is bound to eventually fail. Probably because of injury. With as much as Warner gets hit, and as fragile as he is, he’s not going to remain upright all season. But until then, the Cardinals offense should remain one of the league’s best, which is good enough to cover here against a solid, but not great, Panthers team. And even when Leinart eventually takes over Arizona’s offense should still function well. Provided Matt’s not hungover from the 98 Degrees after party.

AJR: Carolina

Atlanta (+9) over PHILADELPHIA

Yeah, Matt Ryan going on the road to a hostile environment is scary. But the Eagles aren’t full of worldbeaters, and I’m of the belief that the Falcons running game can keep them inside this line. Atlanta won’t win, but they’ll keep the game within a touchdown.

On another note: Sunday in Philadelphia, there’s an Eagles home game at 1 and a World Series game at 7. It’s probably the only time I’ve ever had any desire to spend time in Philly.

AJR: Atlanta

Buffalo (-2) over MIAMI

A big time trap game for the Bills, as they come off a huge home win over San Diego before taking on the Jets and Patriots. Miami’s feisty enough to keep this close. Were this game a field goal spread, I’d take the ‘Fins. But, since it’s not, I’ll stick with Buffalo.

Side note: When the power goes out in your stadium for an entire half, it’s probably time to head off to Toronto. Make it official already. Don’t worry. I’ll still support you.

AJR: Buffalo

N.Y. JETS (-12.5) over Kansas City

Losing to the Raiders further indicates the Jets aren’t good. But Kansas City is without Larry Johnson and trots out Tyler Thigpen at quarterback. They won’t put up more than 14 points, and I’m of the belief that Favre won’t throw enough TAINT’s (thanks, Bill Simmons) to make this game close. Even if I do have my doubts that N.Y. will take advantage of K.C.’s lack of a run defense.

Oh, and if you still support Brett Favre in any way, shape, or form, take a look at this. Motherfucker’s more petulant than a middle school girl.

AJR: New York Jets

BALTIMORE (-7) over Oakland

Oakland is a feisty home team, but they’re not at home this weekend. I’m not taking Jamarcus Russell on the road against the Ravens defense. This game should be reasonably close part of the way – mostly because Joe Flacco isn’t going to lead an offensive outburst – but I’d expect the Ravens to come away with something like a 20-10 victory after a late Raiders turnover leads to a score.

AJR: Baltimore

New Orleans (+3.5) over San Diego (London)

I’m not at all comfortable taking either team in this game. On the one hand, the Saints without Reggie Bush aren’t nearly as big of an offensive juggernaut, and their defense remains terrible. On the other hand, Norv Turner coaches San Diego. Don’t, under any circumstances, put actual money on this game. As always, when in doubt, take the points.

AJR: San Diego

NEW ENGLAND (-7) over St. Louis

Even with two impressive victories, I’m not ready to believe in a Jim Haslett-led team. Not yet, anyway. But if they come away with a victory here – or even keep it reasonably close – I’ll grudgingly follow along the Rams bandwagon. As long as Leonard Little’s not driving.

AJR: New England

DETROIT (+7.5) over Washington

Washington isn’t prone to blowing out their opponents. They let shit teams stick around long enough to make the game interesting. I don’t see why that changes here. In this case, that half point swings me towards Detroit.

AJR: Detroit

Cincinnati (+9.5) over HOUSTON

If the Texans couldn’t cover a 9 point spread against the Lions, is there any reason to think they’ll cover a 9.5 point spread against the Bengals? I think not.

AJR: Houston

Cleveland (+7) over JACKSONVILLE

The Browns offense has struggled in 2008. Horse Balls still isn’t back on track, and Braylon Edwards couldn’t catch AIDS from one of Eazy E’s used condoms. But lately Cleveland’s defense has been better - or at least good enough to keep this game inside the spread. Without a passing attack, Jacksonville’s going to have trouble blowing teams out. Although, to their credit, it looks like Pocket Hercules may finally be taking the full-time reigns at running back. He’s fun to watch.

AJR: Cleveland

Tampa Bay (+2.5) over DALLAS

Tampa Bay’s schedule is a complete fucking joke, and as such they’ll probably be able to grab the 2 seed in the NFC. I’ve been over how horribly lame watching Tampa is, but, again, I’ll reiterate: watching the Bucs blows hippo dick.

AJR: Tampa Bay

PITTSBURGH (-3) over N.Y. Giants

The game of the week. The Giants’ pass rush should disrupt the Steelers awful offensive line, but Ben can take a beating . Plus, he’s probably the best QB in the NFL at throwing with defenders draped around his body like dipshit frat assholes with tribal arm tattoos and conch shell necklaces draped around sorority girls with bleached blond hair, nose studs, straight from the salon tans, and tramp stamps. Pittsburgh’s defense can disrupt Eli enough for the Steelers to limit New York’s offense enough to pull out a Steelers victory.

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AJR: N.Y. Giants

SAN FRANCISCO (-4.5) over Seattle

Without Hasslebeck and their WRs, Seattle contends with Kansas City and Detroit for the NFL’s worst team. The Niners are bad – although I’m not sure they’re so bad that Mike Nolan deserved to be fired – but even they’re good enough to cover this spread. And hey, look, Mike Singletary!.

AJR: San Francisco

Indianapolis (+4) over TENNESSEE

The Titans can essentially lock up the division and bury the Colts with a victory Monday night. It’s Kerry’s first big test, and I remain unconvinced. He’s still not completing passes down the field, and his wideouts do absolutely nothing productive other than run block. In a desperation game – and this is another desperation game for Pey Pey’s Colts – I’ll take Indianapolis to at least cover. Tennesse might pull it out late, but they aren’t going to run away with this game. Although Chris Johnson’s display on the bongo drums has almost convinced me otherwise.

AJR: Indianapolis

Last Week: 9-5

Season: 49-48-5

AJR: 49-48-5