BtC: Mistakes Were Made

(Note: This will be the final BtC of the 2008 calendar year. I’m sure you’re absolutely crushed.)

There are a few things I never want to say in my life. Some examples:

1. Officer, I swear she told me she was 21.

2. No thanks. I recently became a vegan.

3. Doctor, those bumps weren’t there last week.

4. I do.

5. I really wish Tom Brady hadn’t blown out his knee.

Unfortunately, I recently said one of those things. I didn’t go to Vegas, so you can automatically rule out three of those selections. And I didn’t become retarded, so #2 is out.

Yeah, I’ve recently been saying that I wish Bernard Polley hadn’t eviscerated Thomas Edward Brady Jr.’s knee. As someone who completely fucking hates the entire city of Boston and 99% of its inhabitants, this was a shocking thought to me. But after further contemplation I realized why.

With Tom Brady in the NFL, we could look forward to an interesting playoff season. Without Brady, these playoffs don’t generate much enthusiasm.

I’m not going to get into some Tommee-like rant about how without the fahkin Pats no team deserves to win. That’s horseshit. Whoever wins the Super Bowl this year will deserve the title just as much as they would if Brady were healthy. You can also look to last season, when the Giants went on their Super Bowl run and defeated the unbeaten Patriots, to find a case where a playoff season ended up being unexpectedly compelling. But that’s the exception, not the rule.

No, I wish Brady was healthy for three reasons. First, I’d love to see a Pats offense at full strength take on the Titans defense. Notwithstanding last week, Tennesee’s defense has terrific. Like, historically terrific. I’d like to see what was the historically great Pats offense take on that historically great Titans defense. That showdown would be fun to watch – even the coaching matchup of the underrated Jeff Fisher against Bill Belichick would be fantastic. I know that we could see a Pats-Titans playoff matchup anyway, but with Matt Cassel piloting the S.S. Patriot, the firepower in the Patriots arsenal isn’t the same.

Second, I’d like to see a Giants-Patriots Super Bowl rematch with the Patriots – especially if New England was the underdog. Now, I know this would mean we’d be subject to Boston and New York fucktardery for the next year. And that would suck giant gorilla dick. Plus, if Brady was healthy, the Pats might not even be underdogs. But regardless of who was the favorite and who was the underdog, that rematch would be awesome. All types of awesome. The dominant Giants team takes on the squad whose dynasty was supposedly ended after being upset by New York in the previous Super Bowl. At the least, a Giants-Patriots Super Bowl would be much better than anything we’re getting this year, especially if the Titans fall in the playoffs. Do you want to watch Pittsburgh-New York? Or Tennessee-Tampa Bay? I don’t either.

(I will concede that a Brady-less Patriot team taking on the Giants in the Super Bowl would be kind of cool. You’d figure New England as at least 10 point underdogs. If Cassel pulled off that upset, would New England kick Brady to the curb? No. They’re not morons. But if Cassel wins the Super Bowl, some dipshit franchise would give him a ridiculous contract. My money would be on the Lions or 49ers.)

And the third reason: largely because of Brady’s injury, this asshole is going to make the playoffs and possibly end up in the Super Bowl.

FUCK. THAT. I never thought I’d want Brady to be healthy so that Brett Favre couldn’t make the Super Bowl. But after how much of a shithead Brett has been over the past year, I’m fine with Brady winning. At least Tom knows he’s an asshole. Brett still gets by on this whole “aw shucks I’m just a good ol’ country boy” bullshit. Zero self awareness from that asshole. So fuck him. I hope he takes a nice offseason vacation to Mumbai.

Denver (+8) over N.Y. JETS

Denver is more schizophrenic than John Nash, but they’re going to make the playoffs because the AFC West sucks. That’s unfortunate. The Broncos will get pasted in the first round by either New England or Baltimore. Here, though, they should cover. I think. I really don’t know. The Jets confuse the fuck out of me at this point. I wouldn’t ever put money on them or against them.

AJR: Denver

San Francisco (+6.5) over BUFFALO

Putting up 54 points on the Chiefs when you’re +5 in turnovers doesn’t mean your offense is back, Buffalo. While it was encouraging to see Trent Edwards get out of his self-inflicted mind fuck, the Bills offense still isn’t good enough to cover against most teams. I’m tempted to take the Bills because of how bad San Francisco is, but I’ll take the points instead. I’ll just hope that my bet is wrong and Buffalo doesn’t make this game closer than it should be.

AJR: Buffalo

ST. LOUIS (+9) over Miami

First, your weekly Joey Porter is a fucking ignorant shithead who I hope gets hit by a schoolbus update.

To the game: Miami shouldn’t be giving 8 points on the road against anyone. Yes, St. Louis is bad. But Miami isn’t exactly dominant. They needed last minute drives to squeak out home wins over Oakland and Seattle

To the whimsical: I’m in South Florida until, well, today. Besides seeing an enjoyable high school basketball game (object of AJR’s affection Scottie Pippen was in the house, as was Billy Donovan) and having a vegan girl threaten to slap me at the bar Wednesday night because of what some would call off-color remarks I made, the highlight of my trip home has been seeing a 25 foot Boston Whaler named “The Bangstick” pull up to the beach to “pick up ice.” I’d like to believe that if I ever own a boat one day I could think up a name as creative as “The Bangstick.” But I don’t think I could. At least not without heavy narcotic usage.

AJR: St. Louis

TAMPA BAY (-3.5) over New Orleans

Hoo boy, was I wrong about that Monday night game. And that was before I found out that some Saints players shat on their owners cars. New Orleans looked awesome at home. But on the road? Not so much. Tampa has the defense to limit the Saints offense enough for the Bucs to pull this game out.

To other things:

Of primary importance: A quick update on the lady who felt a Metrodome bathroom sexual conquest was a necessary thing to accomplish in life can be found here.

Of secondary importance: your misogynistic joke of the week:

Q: Why do women get married in white dresses?

A: So the dish washer will match the refrigerator and stove.

HIYO.

(air fives self)

AJR: Tampa Bay

GREEN BAY (-3) over Carolina

This is a game where when you immediately look at the line you think “WTF, Vegas? An 8-3 team is getting 3 points from a 5-6 team?” Then you look at the advanced statistics and you realize the line makes sense. Vegas should get a bunch of suckers to jump on Carolina, making the line a poor representation of each club’s actual abilities.

Green Bay’s defense was horrible last Monday night. Carolina doesn’t have the type of big play offense that New Orleans does, although they should be able to run the ball on Green Bay’s weak run defense. Still, that won’t be enough. Expect a big day from Ryan Grant. Carolina is one team with a run defense comparably awful to Green Bay’s. While Carolina does a great job shutting down opponents’ #1 WRs – they are the best in the league at it – once Green Bay establishes the run and is able to play action pass, the Packers’ other WRs should have a field day.

AJR: Green Bay

WASHINGTON (+3.5) over N.Y. Giants

The Giants are unquestionably the NFL’s best team. Led by the NFL’s premier ground attack, the offense is the league’s best. The Giants are also outstanding defensively, but they are a bit vulnerable to strong rushing attacks. Washington possesses such a strong rushing attack. If the Redskins can control the clock by powering Clinton Portis down the Giants’ throats, they have a chance to win. Regardless, Washington should cover. They’ll at least sneak in under the 3.5 point line. Figure the game to be 20-17 late with Jason Campbell having a chance to lead a game winning drive. I wouldn’t put money on Campbell succeeding, but it’ll be fun to watch him try.

AJR: Washington

CINCINNATI (+7) over Baltimore

From the Cincinnati Enquirer:

Ocho Cinco makes his way through the Best Buy store in Florence, Ky. He said was in the store to buy coach Marvin Lewis a gift. Seen with a Rock Band kit, portable stereo and a Cuisinart four-slice toaster, Ocho Cinco said, "I've been trying to call coach, but he doesn't answer." It was 5:25 a.m.

Between the glasses and gift selection, it doesn't get much better. Thanks of the highest order, With Leather.

AJR: Baltimore

Indianapolis (-5) over CLEVELAND

Remember when this game looked like it would be awesome? Things change.

Horse Balls is back in the saddle for Cleveland. Can he win his job back? Doubtful. Best case scenario for Derek is that he performs admirably over these next few weeks, increases the demand for him on the trade market, and some dipshit GM gives up a second rounder for him. Chances of this happening? Like 15%. So long as Detroit still has an NFL franchise, it won’t be 0%.

Peyton Manning’s offense is running at full throttle. The Browns DBs won’t be able to handle Indy’s WRs, and the Colts will outscore Cleveland enough to cover.

AJR: Indianapolis

Atlanta (+5) over SAN DIEGO

Who would have thought Michael Turner would be outproducing LaDanian Tomlinson? Not me. Not you either, you lying sack of shit.

Matty Ryan should have another big day against the beat-up Charger secondary. Goddammit. This asshole really is going to become the NFL’s premier QB within the next three years. Ryan does seem like a legitimately good person. But did he have to land in Atlanta? Does anyone want to see the Falcons become a powerhouse?

Laserface will also put up some big numbers, and probably yell at some people. His effort may be enough to win, but it won’t be enough to cover.

AJR: Atlanta

Pittsburgh (+1) over NEW ENGLAND

While this looked far more enticing last August, it’s still a good matchup. The game should come down to Pittsburgh’s pass rush versus the Patriots’ ability to protect Matt Cassel. If the Pats can give Cassel enough time to get Randy Moss and Wes Welker the ball, they’ll win. If the pass protection struggles and Cassel doesn’t buy himself enough time to get rid of the ball, Pittsburgh should limit New England’s scoring opportunities and come out ahead.

AJR: Pittsburgh

KANSAS CITY (+3) over Oakland

Bonus misogynistic joke of the week:

Q: What three words does a man most dread while he’s laying pipe?

A: Honey, I’m home!

For the most part, I don’t buy CDs anymore. But I bought two this week that are quite excellent: the new Kanye West CD and the new Killers CD. The new Killers CD, Day and Age, is much more like Hot Fuss than Sam’s Town. That’s a good thing. Kanye’s CD is completely different than his previous albums – it’s almost like he rapping over techno-like beats. I think a lot of synthesizers are used. I’m not sure. I don’t know dick about music. I just know when I like it. And I like Kanye’s new CD. The first single – “Love Lockdown” – isn’t all that great. But the remainder of his album - notably “Welcome to Heartbreak” and “robocop” - is awesome.

Oh, and Colonel Cool would also have you know that the Taylor Swift CD is excellent. I concur on Love Story.

AJR: Kansas City

Chicago (+3) over MINNESOTA

Ah, the Sunday night game. It won’t be nearly as awesomely spectacular as last Sunday night’s documentary.

HOLY SHIT. He killed a guy with his fucking KNEE. I’m continually amazed at how the filmmakers are able to get such good footage of the real-life situations involving Jack Bauer. It’s like Planet Earth, only with killing. And that is awesome.

To the game: Expect a few big plays from Bernard Berrian and for AP to bust a long run or two, but the Bears should bottle up the Vikings offense reasonably well. Matt Forte and the Bears have proven they can run against even the toughest defenses. While Chicago’s WRs don’t quite cut it, the Bears should run the ball well enough to win. Expect a big day from G-Reg as well.

On a final note: Last weekend I saw a clip of Brad Childress’ post game speech after the victory against the Jaguars. That was a semi-impressive, moderately big win for the Vikes. During Childress’ post game speech, some guy with dreads who I didn’t recognize was visibly bored and even rolled his eyes at one point while Childress was speaking. Hell of a motivator, that Bradley.

AJR: Minnesota

HOUSTON (-3) over Jacksonville

If you like strong running games coupled with erratic QB play, this game is a treat. For Vikings fans, this shouldn’t be much different than what you normally see.

If, like most of America, you don’t like strong running games coupled with erratic QB play, watch something else. Casino is on AMC. Jurassic Park is on WGN. A Family Guy marathon is on TBS. Pick one of those. Unless you have a strong desire to see Andre Johnson continually underthrown, you’ll be happy you did.

AJR: Jacksonville

Last Week: 6-10

Season (through Thanksgiving): 81-92-6

AJR: 80-94-6

In Case You Missed It....

Here's hoping one and all had a very happy and healthy Thanksgiving. Now before you go hang your Christmas lights (that was always our job on the Friday after Turkey Day) take a gander through some of these tidbits you may have missed this week:

Our alma-mater's namesake to the north made a foolish and irresponsible decision on Monday (Calgary Herald), only to rightfully reverse their decision on Wednesday. The Canadian Press

Florida State's star defensive back Myron Rolle was selected as a 2009 Rhodes Scholar. Congrats Myron, you are a stud. Associated Press

Former NY Governor Eliot Spitzer's callgirl has, according to a fellow prostitute, a beautiful vagina. Gawker

And finally, Stacy Keibler in a tub of gravy wrestling some other chick. We did this once in college but with Jello and instead of hot chicks we had drunken dudes. Yes we are that lame. You Tube

Secrets, Secrets Are No Fun

Secrets, secrets hurt someone. Or something like that.

You probably don't know that last weekend AJR attended the Minnesota-Iowa gang rape at the Metrodome. He did. He should have told you. But he didn't, because he's an asshole.

From what AJR said, the Gopher-Hawkeye game was absolutely miserable to watch. Fortunately for him, he apparently found a way to occupy his time.

According to a report filed by University of Minnesota Police, the crowd had gathered to cheer on a couple "having relations" in one of the stalls.

Ah, but that's not all. It gets even classier than spending the third quarter in the Metrodome bathroom with a cornbread Iowan sitting on your bone throne. How is that possible?

The 38-year-old female and the 26-year-old male, both in town from Iowa, were cited for indecent conduct before being released, respectively, to their husband and girlfriend. (emphasis mine)

And with that - Happy Thanksgiving, dickmouths.

Dropping the Anchor: IHS 2008 Thanksgiving Dinner

(Note: For those of you that care, which are few and far between, there will not be any game previews or predictions this week for the college football schedule.)

I had a whole big plan about how I was going to incorporate sports into this post, but I have to get to my Thanksgiving plans so this will have to do. Basically, it is a list of the spread we are having at my aunt and uncle’s place, complete with my own ramblings about each item. If you want an entertaining Thanksgiving column, click here or here

Hors O’Derves:

Veggie Tray & Dip –This item, a staple at nearly all of my family get-togethers, really does not do much for me on Thanksgiving. It is there purely for aesthetic purposes, but having a carrot or two does make me feel better about the 4,000 calories I will eat today.

Lefse – My descendants were basically hooligans from Norway, Sweden, and Germany. In respect of tradition, this potato-based, Norwegian bread is unthawed this time of the year and placed on the serving platter. Without butter and some kind of sugar (brown, white, cane), lefse is nothing more than a convenient wrap around your pølser.

Drinks:

White Wine –I personally prefer red wine in a box (Franzia, Almaden, etc.), but with Turkey, a chilled white is a must.

Water – On Turkey Day, H2O is essential in two important activities: pallet cleansing and loosening of the bowels. And who am I trying to kid, a big old deuce is in order in this afternoon between NFL games, prior to nap time.

Side Dishes:

Sweet/Mashed Potatoes – Mashed Potatoes, along with stuffing, are my personal favorites at the thanksgiving table, but sweet potatoes are quickly moving up the list. I think they are an acquired taste, as you have to get over the fact that they are more like squash than potatoes.

On a side note: the only things whiter than dmk are mashed potatoes…so I am sure the spuds hold a special place in his heart too.

Gravy – I am not the biggest fan of gravy. For the longest time, I put butter on my potatoes instead of gravy, but I have to make this confession: I love Turkey gravy. All other types of gravy pale in comparison to the smooth, light brown liquid that is made from the grease and juices of the Turkey.

Homegrown Corn – At our Thanksgiving, we get southern Minnesota sweet corn, cut off the cob and then cooked with butter and other ingredients…instantaneous erection once it hits your tongue.

Cranberry Salad – Cranberry salad is basically the canned cranberry junk, cool whip, marshmallows, and Jell-o. While it seems to be harmless, I think the lack of any ingredient that is not processed or artificially made gives me a sugar high that is safe to ingest just once a year.

Dinner Roll –White and fluffy, warm on the inside, has a fondness for BUTTER.
Those descriptions are found both on GldnKnight’s e-harmony profile, as well as the store display for the dinner rolls.

Stuffing – First off, if you buy stuffing for the turkey, go to hell. Secondly, if you don’t make the stuffing with the turkey gizzard, heart, and other vital organs, you just aren’t living. So this year, take off the skirt, put on some carhart’s and include the insides. You will not regret it.

Main Dish:

Turkey – And finally, we get to the main course. I am a big traditionalist on Thanksgiving, so Turkey HAS to be the main course. If you want to experiment on a unique main dish, try Easter, not Turkey Day. I prefer the always moist dark meat, once called the “poor” people meat by my Grandfather. Gotta love that generation.

Dessert:

Pumpkin Pie – Growing up, I thought it was rather strange to eat pumpkin pie, especially when you consider the insides of a pumpkin never smell or look all that appetizing. Therefore, I stuck to strictly a diet of Apple Pie at family gatherings. Boy did I make a big mistake. Now, I lather up a plate full of this shit with whipped cream put it into a blender and drink it as an after dinner shake.

Apple Pie – Because of my epiphany pertaining to pumpkin pie, apple has been relegated to the “kids table”, more commonly known as amateur hour. Don’t get me wrong, apple pie is still delicious (I had two pieces at work on Tuesday), but it is usually not eaten by me until after the leftovers.

Leftovers: Towards the end of the late NFL game, we bust out the leftovers, and once again stuff ourselves into a food coma. Eating the same shit, twice in the span of five hours? Fuck and yes.

Who’s hungry?

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

BtC: Your Night Before Thanksgiving Guide

Welcome to a special two part edition of BtC (I’m scrapping the name: The Column Formerly Known as Bang the Champ. That was gayer than a hot oil bath with Richard Hatch. Also, that isn’t me in the picture.) Why a two part edition? For three reasons. First, there are three games tomorrow. They are deserving of full attention, not just a throwaway paragraph in Droppin the Anchor. Second, I have both a non-sports related post and sports related post I’d like to make. Today is the non-sports related post. You’ll have to wait until next week for the third reason. It’s a reason that will make some of you happy and others of you sad.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Except for homeless people, everyone thinks Thanksgiving is fucking awesome. But some people take Thanksgiving more seriously than others. For example, take the GldnKnight (side note: he grossly underestimated the number of fat jokes I’ve made in his absence). Thanksgiving isn’t a one day event for someone as fat as him. It’s a goddamn week long observance. I’ve been out of town all week, but I’m 90% sure GldnKnight has taken off from work since last Friday to begin “mentally preparing.” For some, the actual dinner is over in a half hour. For the GldnKnight, it begins on Wednesday night and goes through Sunday.

But for the non-grotesquely obese among us, the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving is different. Frankly, you have a very important choice to make: do you risk sacrificing an enjoyable dinner for the opportunity to get shit-in-your-own-shoes drunk? Do you travel to see your family? Do you spend time with your family? Do you spend time with friends but not spend that time drinking? Well, no. Nobody does that last thing. That’s for queers.

Let’s run down your options.

Traveling to See Family

Most of the people I know are either in school or in jobs close to their family. In fact, I can think of like there people – maybe – who work but don’t work near their family. But for these people who don’t live near their family, the option to travel to see said family exists. The problem is that they’re traveling after work on Wednesday – in the middle of a travel rush – just to get away for like 3 days. It’s going to be fucking expensive and nerve wracking. I strongly suggest you avoid this if it's at all possible. Even if you only have one friend in your current town. Spend Thanksgiving with them. If it’s a hot member of the opposite sex, get them loaded on wine and ask if they’d like to lightly graze your drumstick. It’s a hell of a way to end the evening.

Spend Time With Your Family

Ah, yes. You won’t see enough of them on Thursday, so why not hang out Wednesday night? It’ll make you seem like a good son/daughter/illegitimate son. But chances are it’ll bore you out of your mind. There’s a reason you don’t live with these people anymore. After spending two days around nobody but them, you’ll remember why you moved out.

Spend Time With Your Friends While Abstaining From Alcohol

Much less irritating than spending time with your family, but still not as much fun as you can have. Actually, that’s not true. You can have plenty of fun without alcohol. I can’t, but you can.

By the way, I’m writing this while I watch Wheel of Fortune with my mom – even I’m subject to the gay family time every once in awhile – and let me say that these people might be the most irritating contestants ever. I’ve watched more than my fair share of Wheel of Fortune at dinnertime, but these twatrags are killing me. There a token old/fat bitch, a younger medical student who would need to purchase two airline seats in order to fly, and a guy wearing a pair of black stud earrings that take up his whole lobe who bragged about attending the University of Hawaii-Hilo. I want to this fuckface to commit seppuku and he's barely even opened his mouth.

On another side note: I’ve been threatened to be banned from the family dinner table multiple times for making inappropriate Wheel of Fortune related jokes. There was some Princess Diana joke I made about a clue related to a limo driver or a corpse or necrophilia. I don’t remember the exact circumstances, but it was bad. So if you ever think you’ve hit the bottom of the barrel in your family relations, remember: you can always sink lower.

Go Out Drinking

And I don’t mean drinking – I mean envision-oneself-as-Billy-Joel level drinking. Granted, bailing on your family to get hammered allows you to pull off simultaneously being both a douchebag and an asshole. But if you’re okay with that – and I’ve come to grips with this a long time ago – Thanksgiving eve is one of the best drinking nights of the year. In a big city with weaker family values (hello, Fort Lauderdale!) people who don’t travel for Thanksgiving go out drinking. Not just some people either – I’m talking everyone. And they drink fucking hard. Like, Vin Baker hard. Two years ago, the GldnKnight and I did the get-lit-up-in-a-trashy-bar-the-night-before Thanksgiving thing. I woke up at 3 P.M. the next day wearing one sock, a long sleeve shirt, and a ski hat. Good night? I guess.

Besides, this year Kerry Collins is playing on Thanksgiving. Since Kerry presumably won’t be going out Wednesday night, someone has to drink his share. Might as well be you, fuck-o.

Speaking of Kerry:

DETROIT (+11) over Tennessee

Yeah, I know. Detroit is unquestionably the NFL’s worst team whereas Tennessee is one of the best. But this is Detroit’s biggest game of the year – their Super Bowl, if you will. And I don’t just mean it’s the Super Bowl for the team. It’s the Super Bowl for the entire fucking city. If the Lions go 0-16, everyone in this city will lose further hope. Meaning they’ll be even less inclined to search for jobs after the auto bailout fails and the Big Three close up shop. When the Lions go 0-16, the bailout finally does fail, and the Big Three go under, Detroit will officially, finally, be completely fucked. Like Robocop-level fucked.

Nobody will be working. Red Foreman will be a leader of organized crime. Quigley from Blank Check will be doing coke off strippers' tits. While I can get behind this type of Robocop reality, most people don’t feel the same way.

So yeah. To prevent Detroit from devolving into a Robocop-like world, the Lions need to win this week. With the fate of an entire city on their shoulders, Detroit should at least manage a late score to cover.

AJR: Detroit

DALLAS (-12.5) over Seattle

Eh. Seattle is another team playing its biggest game of the season because there’s nothing else to look forward to. The difference between Seattle and Detroit? Well, Seattle is a bit better, and Dallas is a bit worse. But Detroit is also at home, while Seattle is on the road.

Does Seattle come out and play the Cowboys tough? I’m skeptical. This seems like a game where Romo fools everyone into believing he really is a goddamn star, Terrell Owens goes off for a few touchdowns – since it’s a game against a shitty team – and some other semi random Cowboys player has a big day in a blowout victory. We’ll say this is Roy Williams breakout day in an easy Dallas win.

AJR: Dallas

Arizona (+3) over PHILADELPHIA

Hey, there it is! A Thanksgiving game worth watching! Arizona got beat up pretty badly by a Brandon Jacobs and Plaxico Burress-less Giants team, but Philadelphia isn’t nearly that good. And Philly got shellacked themselves as well.

Offensively, Arizona throws the ball extremely well. The Eagles stop the pass pretty well – not as well as they stop the run, but well nonetheless. They’re particularly effective at shutting down #3 and #4 WRs, meaning Steve Breaston should be limited. While they’ve done a nice job against teams’ top two receivers, they haven’t been quite as effective at stopping them. Warner will probably huck it up 50 times; Fitz and Boldin should have solid days. Arizona might not win, but they’ll cover. Especially if Brian Westbrook is as limited as he’s been these past few weeks. Without Westbrook the Eagles offense isn’t nearly as dynamic. Donovan McNabb can’t really make plays on his own anymore. Since Westbrook still looks like he’s going to be limited, take the Cardinals.

AJR: Philadelphia

F-ck No

Are you ready for the most disturbing possibility of 2009? Even more troubling than this asshole's ridiculous theory? Or the possibility of an Icy-Hot writer one day spawning a child?

Yep. It may happen. We all need to become more comfortable with a potential all New York Super Bowl. The firs step is familiarizing onerself with Giants fans. Potentially, they can compete with Patriots fans in sheer fucktardness. May God help us.

Welcome Back GldnKnight!

I cy-Hot Sensations would like to welcome back everyone’s favorite walking fat joke, the GldnKnight.

Since my last real post on July 22^nd, I had a moment of relief in September that doesn’t really count as a post, I have been busier than an Evan Williams distributor after a meeting of the AQAA. In honor of myself, and Kelly Clarkson,

here’s what’s happened since I’ve been gone, complete with generally snide commentary from me.

Since you’ve been gone…

Barack Obama was elected as President of the United States. Great, just what this country needs, another black man living in government housing.

The Minnesota Twins, despite my predictions and Bill Smith’s best efforts, finished the regular season tied with the White Sox for the AL Central title and proceed to lose in the tie-breaking game and miss the playoffs.

The Carleton College Knights became the Cinderella of small college football in the Upper Midwest, only to lose to the hated Johnnies from St. John’s University for the MIAC championship. Quarterback “Showtime” Shane Henfling finally listened to the guidance of his knowledgeable predecessors and set a plethora of records.

The NTSB determined the cause of the I-35W bridge collapse in Minneapolis on August 1, 2007. The gusset plates that were built into the bridge during its initial construction in 1967 were not strong enough to support the weight on the bridge. They should have used my gusset, that thing is enormous.

Dmk has made exactly 9,875,394 fat jokes that I’m aware of.

The Philadelphia Phillies beat the Tampa Bay Rays to win the 2008 World Series. And not three minutes after recording the series-clinching out, the Philly boo-birds were back.

NBC’s hit television show, The Office, began its new season in September and immediately Pam and Jim were engaged. Meanwhile, Andy Bernard continues to force his love on Angela even though, in a move that would make AJR proud, Dwight continues to nail her on company property.

- Colonel Cool hasn’t posted either, but to be fair, it’s tough to get internet in his van when he’s sitting in the elementary school parking lot.

Kerry Collins and the Tennessee Titans have not lost a game. Brett Favre has led the Jets on a resurgence. I’m thinking that to play quarterback in the NFL successfully it’s a prerequisite to be a drunk. Scratch that, on second thought, being a boozehound hasn’t exactly worked for these three:

The Dow Jones has lost nearly 4,000 points which is weird because my cholesterol has increased by that almost that same amount.

Michael Phelps won 8 gold medals at the Beijing Olympic Games and the United States took the overall medal count away from the host country. This will go down in history as the last time the U.S. stood up to the Chinese.

That’s about all I have for now. Expect the Friday links to resume beginning this week as well as more bitter news and sports analysis.

It’s good to be back.