(Note: This will be the final BtC of the 2008 calendar year. I’m sure you’re absolutely crushed.)
There are a few things I never want to say in my life. Some examples:
1. Officer, I swear she told me she was 21.
2. No thanks. I recently became a vegan.
3. Doctor, those bumps weren’t there last week.
4. I do.
5. I really wish Tom Brady hadn’t blown out his knee.
Unfortunately, I recently said one of those things. I didn’t go to Vegas, so you can automatically rule out three of those selections. And I didn’t become retarded, so #2 is out.
Yeah, I’ve recently been saying that I wish Bernard Polley hadn’t eviscerated Thomas Edward Brady Jr.’s knee. As someone who completely fucking hates the entire city of Boston and 99% of its inhabitants, this was a shocking thought to me. But after further contemplation I realized why.
With Tom Brady in the NFL, we could look forward to an interesting playoff season. Without Brady, these playoffs don’t generate much enthusiasm.
I’m not going to get into some Tommee-like rant about how without the fahkin Pats no team deserves to win. That’s horseshit. Whoever wins the Super Bowl this year will deserve the title just as much as they would if Brady were healthy. You can also look to last season, when the Giants went on their Super Bowl run and defeated the unbeaten Patriots, to find a case where a playoff season ended up being unexpectedly compelling. But that’s the exception, not the rule.
No, I wish Brady was healthy for three reasons. First, I’d love to see a Pats offense at full strength take on the Titans defense. Notwithstanding last week, Tennesee’s defense has terrific. Like, historically terrific. I’d like to see what was the historically great Pats offense take on that historically great Titans defense. That showdown would be fun to watch – even the coaching matchup of the underrated Jeff Fisher against Bill Belichick would be fantastic. I know that we could see a Pats-Titans playoff matchup anyway, but with Matt Cassel piloting the S.S. Patriot, the firepower in the Patriots arsenal isn’t the same.
Second, I’d like to see a Giants-Patriots Super Bowl rematch with the Patriots – especially if New England was the underdog. Now, I know this would mean we’d be subject to Boston and New York fucktardery for the next year. And that would suck giant gorilla dick. Plus, if Brady was healthy, the Pats might not even be underdogs. But regardless of who was the favorite and who was the underdog, that rematch would be awesome. All types of awesome. The dominant Giants team takes on the squad whose dynasty was supposedly ended after being upset by New York in the previous Super Bowl. At the least, a Giants-Patriots Super Bowl would be much better than anything we’re getting this year, especially if the Titans fall in the playoffs. Do you want to watch Pittsburgh-New York? Or Tennessee-Tampa Bay? I don’t either.
(I will concede that a Brady-less Patriot team taking on the Giants in the Super Bowl would be kind of cool. You’d figure New England as at least 10 point underdogs. If Cassel pulled off that upset, would New England kick Brady to the curb? No. They’re not morons. But if Cassel wins the Super Bowl, some dipshit franchise would give him a ridiculous contract. My money would be on the Lions or 49ers.)
And the third reason: largely because of Brady’s injury, this asshole is going to make the playoffs and possibly end up in the Super Bowl.
FUCK. THAT. I never thought I’d want Brady to be healthy so that Brett Favre couldn’t make the Super Bowl. But after how much of a shithead Brett has been over the past year, I’m fine with Brady winning. At least Tom knows he’s an asshole. Brett still gets by on this whole “aw shucks I’m just a good ol’ country boy” bullshit. Zero self awareness from that asshole. So fuck him. I hope he takes a nice offseason vacation to Mumbai.
Denver (+8) over N.Y. JETS
Denver is more schizophrenic than John Nash, but they’re going to make the playoffs because the AFC West sucks. That’s unfortunate. The Broncos will get pasted in the first round by either New England or Baltimore. Here, though, they should cover. I think. I really don’t know. The Jets confuse the fuck out of me at this point. I wouldn’t ever put money on them or against them.
San Francisco (+6.5) over BUFFALO
Putting up 54 points on the Chiefs when you’re +5 in turnovers doesn’t mean your offense is back, Buffalo. While it was encouraging to see Trent Edwards get out of his self-inflicted mind fuck, the Bills offense still isn’t good enough to cover against most teams. I’m tempted to take the Bills because of how bad San Francisco is, but I’ll take the points instead. I’ll just hope that my bet is wrong and Buffalo doesn’t make this game closer than it should be.
ST. LOUIS (+9) over Miami
First, your weekly Joey Porter is a fucking ignorant shithead who I hope gets hit by a schoolbus update.
To the game: Miami shouldn’t be giving 8 points on the road against anyone. Yes, St. Louis is bad. But Miami isn’t exactly dominant. They needed last minute drives to squeak out home wins over Oakland and Seattle
To the whimsical: I’m in South Florida until, well, today. Besides seeing an enjoyable high school basketball game (object of AJR’s affection Scottie Pippen was in the house, as was Billy Donovan) and having a vegan girl threaten to slap me at the bar Wednesday night because of what some would call off-color remarks I made, the highlight of my trip home has been seeing a 25 foot Boston Whaler named “The Bangstick” pull up to the beach to “pick up ice.” I’d like to believe that if I ever own a boat one day I could think up a name as creative as “The Bangstick.” But I don’t think I could. At least not without heavy narcotic usage.
AJR: St. Louis
TAMPA BAY (-3.5) over New Orleans
Hoo boy, was I wrong about that Monday night game. And that was before I found out that some Saints players shat on their owners cars. New Orleans looked awesome at home. But on the road? Not so much. Tampa has the defense to limit the Saints offense enough for the Bucs to pull this game out.
To other things:
Of primary importance: A quick update on the lady who felt a Metrodome bathroom sexual conquest was a necessary thing to accomplish in life can be found here.
Of secondary importance: your misogynistic joke of the week:
Q: Why do women get married in white dresses?
A: So the dish washer will match the refrigerator and stove.
(air fives self)
AJR: Tampa Bay
GREEN BAY (-3) over Carolina
This is a game where when you immediately look at the line you think “WTF, Vegas? An 8-3 team is getting 3 points from a 5-6 team?” Then you look at the advanced statistics and you realize the line makes sense. Vegas should get a bunch of suckers to jump on Carolina, making the line a poor representation of each club’s actual abilities.
Green Bay’s defense was horrible last Monday night. Carolina doesn’t have the type of big play offense that New Orleans does, although they should be able to run the ball on Green Bay’s weak run defense. Still, that won’t be enough. Expect a big day from Ryan Grant. Carolina is one team with a run defense comparably awful to Green Bay’s. While Carolina does a great job shutting down opponents’ #1 WRs – they are the best in the league at it – once Green Bay establishes the run and is able to play action pass, the Packers’ other WRs should have a field day.
AJR: Green Bay
WASHINGTON (+3.5) over N.Y. Giants
The Giants are unquestionably the NFL’s best team. Led by the NFL’s premier ground attack, the offense is the league’s best. The Giants are also outstanding defensively, but they are a bit vulnerable to strong rushing attacks. Washington possesses such a strong rushing attack. If the Redskins can control the clock by powering Clinton Portis down the Giants’ throats, they have a chance to win. Regardless, Washington should cover. They’ll at least sneak in under the 3.5 point line. Figure the game to be 20-17 late with Jason Campbell having a chance to lead a game winning drive. I wouldn’t put money on Campbell succeeding, but it’ll be fun to watch him try.
CINCINNATI (+7) over Baltimore
From the Cincinnati Enquirer:
Ocho Cinco makes his way through the Best Buy store in Florence, Ky. He said was in the store to buy coach Marvin Lewis a gift. Seen with a Rock Band kit, portable stereo and a Cuisinart four-slice toaster, Ocho Cinco said, "I've been trying to call coach, but he doesn't answer." It was 5:25 a.m.
Between the glasses and gift selection, it doesn't get much better. Thanks of the highest order, With Leather.
Indianapolis (-5) over CLEVELAND
Remember when this game looked like it would be awesome? Things change.
Horse Balls is back in the saddle for Cleveland. Can he win his job back? Doubtful. Best case scenario for Derek is that he performs admirably over these next few weeks, increases the demand for him on the trade market, and some dipshit GM gives up a second rounder for him. Chances of this happening? Like 15%. So long as Detroit still has an NFL franchise, it won’t be 0%.
Peyton Manning’s offense is running at full throttle. The Browns DBs won’t be able to handle Indy’s WRs, and the Colts will outscore Cleveland enough to cover.
Who would have thought Michael Turner would be outproducing LaDanian Tomlinson? Not me. Not you either, you lying sack of shit.
Matty Ryan should have another big day against the beat-up Charger secondary. Goddammit. This asshole really is going to become the NFL’s premier QB within the next three years. Ryan does seem like a legitimately good person. But did he have to land in Atlanta? Does anyone want to see the Falcons become a powerhouse?
Laserface will also put up some big numbers, and probably yell at some people. His effort may be enough to win, but it won’t be enough to cover.
Pittsburgh (+1) over NEW ENGLAND
While this looked far more enticing last August, it’s still a good matchup. The game should come down to Pittsburgh’s pass rush versus the Patriots’ ability to protect Matt Cassel. If the Pats can give Cassel enough time to get Randy Moss and Wes Welker the ball, they’ll win. If the pass protection struggles and Cassel doesn’t buy himself enough time to get rid of the ball, Pittsburgh should limit New England’s scoring opportunities and come out ahead.
KANSAS CITY (+3) over Oakland
Bonus misogynistic joke of the week:
Q: What three words does a man most dread while he’s laying pipe?
A: Honey, I’m home!
For the most part, I don’t buy CDs anymore. But I bought two this week that are quite excellent: the new Kanye West CD and the new Killers CD. The new Killers CD, Day and Age, is much more like Hot Fuss than Sam’s Town. That’s a good thing. Kanye’s CD is completely different than his previous albums – it’s almost like he rapping over techno-like beats. I think a lot of synthesizers are used. I’m not sure. I don’t know dick about music. I just know when I like it. And I like Kanye’s new CD. The first single – “Love Lockdown” – isn’t all that great. But the remainder of his album - notably “Welcome to Heartbreak” and “robocop” - is awesome.
Oh, and Colonel Cool would also have you know that the Taylor Swift CD is excellent. I concur on Love Story.
AJR: Kansas City
Chicago (+3) over MINNESOTA
Ah, the Sunday night game. It won’t be nearly as awesomely spectacular as last Sunday night’s documentary.
HOLY SHIT. He killed a guy with his fucking KNEE. I’m continually amazed at how the filmmakers are able to get such good footage of the real-life situations involving Jack Bauer. It’s like Planet Earth, only with killing. And that is awesome.
To the game: Expect a few big plays from Bernard Berrian and for AP to bust a long run or two, but the Bears should bottle up the Vikings offense reasonably well. Matt Forte and the Bears have proven they can run against even the toughest defenses. While Chicago’s WRs don’t quite cut it, the Bears should run the ball well enough to win. Expect a big day from G-Reg as well.
On a final note: Last weekend I saw a clip of Brad Childress’ post game speech after the victory against the Jaguars. That was a semi-impressive, moderately big win for the Vikes. During Childress’ post game speech, some guy with dreads who I didn’t recognize was visibly bored and even rolled his eyes at one point while Childress was speaking. Hell of a motivator, that Bradley.
HOUSTON (-3) over Jacksonville
If you like strong running games coupled with erratic QB play, this game is a treat. For Vikings fans, this shouldn’t be much different than what you normally see.
If, like most of America, you don’t like strong running games coupled with erratic QB play, watch something else. Casino is on AMC. Jurassic Park is on WGN. A Family Guy marathon is on TBS. Pick one of those. Unless you have a strong desire to see Andre Johnson continually underthrown, you’ll be happy you did.
Last Week: 6-10
Season (through Thanksgiving): 81-92-6