BtC: Super Bowl XLIII

For BtC’s final column, I planned to do a long-ass Super Bowl party guide. But that was already done. Instead, I’ll just point out a few rules from that and then tell you why you should NEVER purchase Super Bowl tickets above face value. And then I’ll give you a brief game preview and prediction about which nobody gives a shit.

I don’t feel a need to run through some of Drew’s Super Bowl party rules, as most are common sense. Nevertheless, here’s a brief perusal of the most important ones:

If there are people at your party who don’t know shit about football, they better fucking all be women.

This is probably the most crucial rule. The last thing anybody wants is to get stuck at a party talking to some dipshit consultant about their third quarter numbers, or ice fishing, or fucking Rock Band, or how (for example) $650 million for digital conversion TV coupons is an “economic stimulus.” At each of the parties I’m considering attending I’m afraid that at least one fuck is going to be there and bring up inconsequential bullshit. This terrifies me more than snakes and being raped in prison combined.

If you don’t know dick about football, do what you should do when you don’t know dick in class: sit in the corner quietly and don’t disturb the rest of us from an otherwise enjoyable experience.

Do not mix partisan guests and nonpartisan guests.

Way backwhen the Bills used to be good, my Mom would throw Super Bowl parties at our house every year. Since we were the only people in our area who were Bills fans, that meant that every asshole who showed up would be nonpartisan and, after the first two Super Bowls, make the same goddamn “think Buffalo’s gonna blow it again” comments throughout the game (Of course, they did. But that’s irrelevant to this point). My Mom was a good sport and FAR more patient than me, so she put up with it. But I am 100% sure that today if I were watching a Super Bowl involving the Bills and during the game a party guest made a smug remark about the Bills losing again I would beat said party guest to death with a fold up chair. If Buffalo ever makes another Super Bowl appearance, I’m watching the game at Ted Kaczynski’s house.

Using me as an example, don’t mix partisan guests with nonpartisan guests. It won’t end well. And if you’re a Steelers or Cardinals fan, watch the game by yourself or go to a bar.

Make the volume of the TV loud enough to shut down any potential conversation.

For guys, this kind of goes hand in hand with the first rule. For the ladies, this means shut the fuck up until halftime or a commercial break. Consider it one of those many times nobody gives a baker’s fuck about your opinion. I don’t give a shit that Ben Roethlisberger is like OMGsooooCUTE in that special needs children kind of way. For the next three hours, he deserves to get hit by a meteor.

You must instantly give a capsule review of any ad that comes on during the telecast.

I’m sorry, but I fucking HATE this rule. I’m going to say it’s only in here because Drew works in advertising. One of the last things I want to hear during a Super Bowl is someone – anyone – doing goddamn advertising analysis. I don’t fucking care if the ad reached its target audience or whether it was an effective ad or whether you worked with the fucking director six months ago. There is one thing to be evaluated, and that’s whether the ad entertained you by having cool special effects, making you laugh, blowing shit up, and/or showing gratuitous cleavage.

Besides, all Super Bowl ads fail when compared to this:



Unless you are a fan of one of the teams, do not decorate your place for the occasion.

Even if you ARE a fan of one of the teams, decorating your place for the game is gayer than sitting on upside down bar stools. If your wife/girlfriend/fuck buddy wants to do it, let them, but don’t sanction it or give any sort of advice.

No ethnic food.

This isn’t a goddamn Olympics party. I know that nowadays EVERYONE in America (especially white people) think they’re special and unique and quirky and like to celebrate that fact by doing something different, such as serving fish instead of turkey on Thanksgiving [Usual justification: The Pilgrims did it, so it’s a more authentic and healthier meal. My response, which is usually non-verbal since I’m in the company of people I don’t know: The English settlers also slaughtered Indians. Let’s make this a really authentic Thanksgiving: who’s up for a trip to (local Indian reservation) for a good old fashioned after dinner scalping? I’ll bring my slicin’ knife!]. Don’t be the dickhead who brings sushi to a Super Bowl party in order to make it a more cultured and diversified. Nobody gives a shit if the party is worldly, and you’re an asshole for trying to make people care if it is.

Note: of course, Americanized versions of foreign food – such as egg rolls, taquitos, and anything wrapped in bacon – are acceptable.

The rest of the rules are fairly standard issue and non-offensive. I agree with most of them, although I personally wouldn’t be opposed to a 4th quarter spaghetti sauce orgy if the game turns into a blowout. But to each his own.

I would, however, add a few rules:

Don’t be only drunk guy at your party

This rule applies to all parties, work functions, first communions of immediate family members, etc. If nobody else is drinking heavily, don’t go Billy Joel on the party. It makes you look like a fucking obnoxious prick. If you want to get housed, just leave the party. Preferably by telling everyone to get fucked, since they deserve to be showered with such coarse language for not drinking at a Super Bowl party. Then walk to your nearest bar and drink until the Statute of Liberty is hot.

Don’t bitch about anything provided by host

Again, more of a general party rule. But I’ve seen it broken before. That said, you CAN bitch about your host if they do something so completely gay that it ruins the entire party. For example, if your party host forgets that your state doesn’t sell liquor on Sundays and thus doesn’t supply alcohol, feel free to throw a fire extinguisher at their cock.

Now, on to a more important matter:

Why You Should Never Buy Super Bowl Tickets


I’ve been to the Super Bowl (that's my XLI ticket). In fact, I’ve been to five (like I said in the drinking game, I’m a HUGE douchebag). And let me tell you something that is going to completely amaze you. I mean, this is just going to blow your fucking mind:

Outside of the halftime show, you can’t even tell that you’re at the Super Bowl. It’s a regular fucking football game.

Yep. It’s true. Once you get through all the pregame and halftime bullshit, the in-game experience is pretty damn similar to any other NFL game you’ll attend. It’s not nearly the corporate snoozefest outsiders portray it to be, but it’s also not some kind of balls-out awesome experience. It’s a plain old football game.

Unless you REALLY like halftime shows, I can assure you spending upwards of $2000 on tickets for this game is not worth it. Take that money and put it elsewhere, like on a Caribbean cruise where you can have weeklong unprotected sex with multiple Haitian women.

Attending the Super Bowl is like running a marathon, or working for a non-profit, or getting married: it’s something that you do just so you can go to a cocktail party and brag to other people that you did it. Then, those people can simultaneously admire you and think of you as a overly self-righteous douchebag (like you’re thinking of me now). It’s not something that you’re actually going to look back on and say “wow, that was really awesome and I did it solely for my own self-satisfaction.” Unless you REALLY need to show off to other people, don't waste your money on a Super Bowl ticket if you can't get it for face value.

The Super Bowl isn’t different from attending any other game, except you’re spending an assload of money to attend. If you want to watch your team win an important game while spending a reasonable amount of money AND being in an awesome atmosphere, I suggest attending a conference championship game (I’ve done that too.). You’ll be in a stadium with a bit crazier of a crowd and not be down over 2 grand. In fact, GldnKnight and I found 2007 NFC Title game tickets for a reasonable $500. The difference in ticket price far outweighs the amount of satisfaction you’ll get from bragging to that saucy paralegal that you went to the Super Bowl.

Finally, the actual game:

Does anyone really give a shit about my picks anymore? Over the course of this NFL season I’ve demonstrated an uncanny ability to piss away money. You shouldn’t be using my advice for anything, ESPECIALLY gambling on football.

That said, here’s a brief series of questions that can lead you towards who to take on Sunday:

1. Do you think the Steelers can disrupt Kurt Warner without bringing more than 5 rushers?

If yes, proceed to question 6.

If no, proceed to question 2.

2. Do you think the Cardinals defensive surge in the playoffs is for real?

If yes, proceed to question3.

If no, proceed to question 6.

3. Do you think the Steelers above average, but not great, secondary can limit Larry Fitzgerald?

If yes, proceed to question 4.

If no, proceed to question 5.

4. Do you think Anquan Boldin will come to play?

If yes, proceed to question 5.

If no, proceed to question 7.

5. Do you think Todd Haley can outcoach, or at least neutralize, Dick Lebeau?

If yes, TAKE THE CARDINALS.

If no, proceed to question 6.

6. Are you confident Ben Roethlisberger will play better than he did in his last Super Bowl appearance, or at least not completely melt down?

If yes, TAKE THE STEELERS.

If no, proceed to question 7.

7. Do you think Kurt Warner really sold his soul to the devil for his NFL shot?

If yes, TAKE THE CARDINALS.

If no, TAKE THE STEELERS.

And there you have it. Your easy, peezy, Japaneezy guide to who you should take in Super Bowl XLIII. As for me? I’m taking the points, and the Cardinals. I’ll call it:

Arizona: 31
Pittsburgh: 21

And I’ll be completely fucking wrong. Again.

If you’re playing the drinking game, please don’t drive. Enjoy the Super Bowl, everyone.

Employer Cranking up the Heat?....Comprise a List

If you are looking for the 4th Annual Icy-Hot Sensations Super Bowl Drinking Game, click here. If you want tips on your Super Bowl XLIII party, click here.

Ok, so all week I have been trying to come up with a story idea centered on the Super Bowl. I wanted to make it unique and something people want to read. I also wanted to interject my own humor to spice up the piece.

I came up with a boring fucking list.

For the life of me, I could not get any creativity going (maybe being threatened at your real job deters that aspect of the mind). What also made it hard is that it seems like when everyone and their privately gay father thinks they are experts and cover the Super Bowl, originality is no where to be found.

So I went with a list in which I determined the ten most surprising Super Bowl performances of the 2000’s. I know, I know, not too exciting but enjoy…

10.) Justin Tuck (XLII) – 6 Tackles, 1 FF, 2 Sacks; Win, 17-14 over New England
This was not really all that shocking considering Tuck recorded nine sacks in the regular season. The most surprising part was the fact that Tuck and his defensive linemates dominated the Patriot offense like Bernie Madoff scheming his Jewish clients. He was undoubtedly the best player on the field in Glendale last season and should have been awarded MVP.

9.) Charles Tillman (XLI) – 10 Tackles, 1 INT, 1 FF, 1 FR; Loss 17-29 to Indianapolis
Prior to that Super Bowl, it could have been argued that Tillman was best known for out-wrestling Randy Moss for a game-winning interception in 2003. And even though Da Bears did not end up winning, “Peanut” played arguably the best game of his career against Manning and the Colts, ending up with a season high 10 tackles and two forced turnovers.

8.) Dwight Smith (XXXVII) – 4 Tackles, 2 INT, 2 TD; Win 48-21 over Oakland
I wonder what makes the Detroit native more proud, his unreal performance in the Super Bowl or his risqué “exchange of bodily fluids” in a Minneapolis stairwell?

7.) Kerry Collins (XXXV) – 15/39, 112 YDS, 0 TD, 4 INT; Loss 7-34 to Baltimore
41-0 to 7-34 with no offensive touchdowns….Exactly right, dmk….exactly right.

6.) Chris Gardocki (XL) – 6 punts, 48.7 avg, 1 inside 20-yd line; Win, 21-10 over Seattle
A punter….really? Yes, really.
In the biggest snoozer of a Super Bowl this decade, Gardocki was an unsung hero for the Steelers. He ranked just 24th in the NFL in average yards per punt during the regular season at just under 42 yards per punt, but he boomed numerous kicks which translated to critical field position gains in the victory. I have been searching, but have yet to find pictures of his penis on the internet like his former teammates.

5.) Deion Branch (XXXVIII) – 10 receptions 143 yards 1 TD; Win 32-29 over Carolina
Few people could have predicted a Super Bowl MVP for Branch in just his second season. During the 2003 regular season, Branch recorded just 57 catches with three touchdowns in 15 games. In the 38th Super Bowl, Branch exploded for ten catches and 143 yards with a touchdown, including a huge first down on the eventual game winning drive. In fact, other than his two Super Bowl performances, has this guy even had a career?

4.) Jake Delhomme (XXXVIII) – 16/33, 323 YDS, 3 TD 0 INT; Loss, 29-32 to New England
Delhomme nearly guided the Panthers to a huge upset over the Patriots with his stellar quarterbacking. This stat line becomes even more surprising after seeing Jake the Snake’s performance in the Divisional Round against Arizona.

3.) Tom Brady (XLII) - 29/48, 266 yds. 1 TD, 0 INT, 1 fumble lost; Loss, 14-17 to New York Giants
At first glance, Tommy’s stat line does not look all that bad. Then, when you consider what was riding on this game and the precedence that he had set by dominating the first 18 games, you realize how great of a choke job it was. But thank you, Mr. Giesle, I will always cherish my $80 Eli jersey, even though that money was most of my winnings from the game.

2.) Terrell Owens (XXXIX) – 9 receptions, 122 yards; Loss, 21-24 to New England
Just 48 days removed from breaking his fibula and severely spraining his right ankle, Owens miraculously started and played an effective game from his wide receiver position. It was his eighth 100-yd game of the 2004 season, following which he gave credit to a hyperbaric chamber for his quick healing. If only that chamber could work wonders on his cabeza loca.

1.) Rich Gannon (XXXVII) – 24/44, 272 YDS, 2 TD, 5 INT; Loss, 21-48 to Tampa Bay
The journeyman and former Viking averaged almost 300 passing yards per game leading the Raiders an 11-5 record and #1 seed in the AFC. He threw for 26 touchdowns and earned a QB rating of 97.3 en route to being named NFL MVP in 2002. In two playoff games prior to the Super Bowl, Gannon threw for almost 570 yards and six touchdowns. In the Super Bowl….he completely shat the bed. Like a toilet-clogging, bowl-splattering, 6-wiping shit of his pants. His performance was undoubtedly the most shocking of the decade.

IHS Super Bowl XLIII Drinking Game

Note: If you're looking for a Super Bowl XLIV Drinking Game, we've updated this game for this year. Check it out here.

Gather round, children, and behold: the Icy-Hot Sensations Super Bowl XLIII drinking game. This game is adapted from a version posted way back in 2006 at the now defunct Noobsports. If you look through their archives, you can not only find the game but some fun pictures of people playing the game. Who IS that handsome devil in the Steve Tasker jersey? Why, he looks like a gayer version of Seth Green! And he can't write for shit.

Anyway, this is the fourth year we’ve played this game. It has a rich history. Super Bowl XL turned into a shitshow where I don’t even remember walking home, let alone where or what I did after the game that night. Most likely, it wasn’t good. For Super Bowl XLI, AJR and I were, sadly, about 2000 miles apart. I actually attended Super Bowl XLI – yep, I'm an overprivilegegd douchebag – so I didn’t get a chance to play. But AJR and his crew did; if I remember correctly, at least one person ended up doing some damage in a college library. We did get a decent group together for Super Bowl XLII’s drinking game. Immediately following the game, AJR blew $80 on an Eli Manning jersey despite having no connection whatsoever to the N.Y. Giants. I passed out during a 20 minute ride home and may have vomited at at 5 A.M. I don't remember. I do remember dry heaving in an 11 A.M class the next day. Those weren't the worst stories from the evening, either.

By now you should be aware that this game is not for the faint of heart. If you have to be at work early the next morning, or don’t have a ride home from your party, DO NOT play. But if you’re willing to sacrifice your professional life for some personal fun, the game is worth it. Especially if you’re at a Super Bowl party with a bunch of cunt muscles and cocksmokers who are more interested in the commercials than the fucking game. God, I hope those assholes get Legionnaires’ disease.

Rules:

1. Get a bunch of beer and at least one bottle of liquor. Remember that some dipshit states (I'm looking at you, Minnesota) restrict alcohol sales on Sunday.

2. Divide up into teams. If you’re playing, you’re either on Team Cardinals or Team Steelers. There's no option of being Swiss.

3. Try to sit on the same side of the room as your team. It’s easier to talk shit that way.

4. A beer has 6-8 drinks. Adjust your casual drinking accordingly.

Team Cardinals


Drink 1 drink:

- When the Steelers get a 1st down.
- Every time the Cardinals punt the ball.
- Whenever the announcers say the Steelers are going for their sixth Super Bowl victory
- The Cardinals commit a 5 yard penalty.
- Any discussion of Mike Tomlin's or Hines Ward's ethnicity
- Any "Terrible Towel" reference

Drink 2 drinks:

- If the Cardinals commit a 10 yard penalty.
- Al Michaels calls Willie Parker “Fast Willie Parker”
- Any reference to Ben Roethlisberger’s motorcycle accident
- Limas Sweed touches the ball
- The Steelers use a "trick play."
- Steely McBeam is shown
- Warner is sacked.

Drink 3 drinks:

- The Cardinals commit a turnover.
- The Steelers kick a field goal.
- The Cardinals commit a 15 yard penalty.
- Madden mentions Primanti Brothers
- The Rooney family’s friendship with Barack Obama is discussed
- Mike Tomlin is compared to any character played by Omar Epps (note: add a shot if the character is Darnell Jefferson)
- The Steelers recover an onside kick.
- The Steelers challenge a play and it gets overturned, or the Cardinals challenge a play and the play stands.

Take a shot:

- When the Steelers score a touchdown
- Santonio Holmes’ or Jeff Reed’s phallus exposure is referenced
- Any safety.

Drink X amount of drinks:

X = the number of yards the Cardinals give up on a play over 10 yards (for instance, a play that goes for 11 yards is 1 drink, a play for 23 yards is 2 drinks, a play for 80 yards is 8 drinks... this includes punt returns, kick returns, and interception returns/fumble recoveries).

Team Steelers


Drink 1 drink:

- When the Cardinals get a 1st down.
- Every time the Steelers punt the ball.
- Whenever an announcer talks about the Cardinals being a historically futile franchise
- The Steelers commit a 5 yard penalty.
- Any mention that Ken Whisenhunt used to be a Steelers coach
- Any mention that Edgerrin James is from Florida or that this is a "homecoming" for him

Drink 2 drinks:

- If the Steelers commit a 10 yard penalty.
- Any mention that Kurt Warner is the second QB to lead two different franchises to the Super Bowl as a starter
- The new look Brenda Warner is shown or mentioned
- Adrian Wilson touches the ball or is mentioned as a lifelong Cardinal
- The Cardinals use a "trick play."
- Any reference to Larry Fitzgerald beating up his baby's momma
- Ben is sacked.

Drink 3 drinks:

- The Steelers commit a turnover.
- The Cardinals kick a field goal.
- The Steelers commit a 15 yard penalty.
- Matt Leinart enters the game
- Nick Lachey is shown in the crowd
- Any reference to Dennis Green’s “they are who we thought they were” rant
- Arizona is referred to as the “buzzsaw”
- The Cardinals recover an onside kick.
- The Cardinals challenge a play and it gets overturned, or the Steelers challenge a play and the play stands.

Take a shot:

- If the Cardinals score a touchdown
- Anquan Boldin punches Todd Haley
- Any safety.

Drink X amount of drinks when:

X = the number of yards the Steelers give up on a play over 10 yards (for instance, a play that goes for 11 yards is 1 drink, a play for 23 yards is 2 drinks, a play for 80 yards is 8 drinks... this includes punt returns, kick returns, and interception returns/fumble recoveries).

Community (everybody drinks)

- Any player references God (This includes writing on eye black, wristbands, and tape. So if some shithead writes John 3:16 on his eye black, every time the eye black is shown everybody drinks. Deal with it. Also, fuck Tim Tebow with Magic Johnson's dick.)
- Any discussion of Matt Leinart's or Ben Roethlisberger’s drunk pictures
- Any reference to Tarvaris Jackson’s December evisceration of Arizona’s defense
- Any commercial makes anyone in your party laugh out loud
- Buzz Bissinger is mentioned in the same sentence with Madden’s horse trailer
- Any political ad, political interview, or camera shot of a politician.
- Whenver something patriotic happens (National Anthem, a picture of our soldiers in the stands, pictures of our troops in Iraq, a fly over of any aircraft).

***Attention*** Some of these rules can be combined. For instance, if there is a first down on a 15 yard pass play, you have to drink 2 drinks; 1 for the 1st down, and 1 for a 15 yard play. Or, if Warner throws an 80 yard touchdown on a flea flicker to Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin punches Todd Haley after the play... you have 2 drinks for the trick play, 1 shot for the touchdown, 8 drinks for the yards given up on the play, and 1 shot for Anquan punching Haley.

Wild Bukkake

The Minnesota Wild have soldout every hockey game ever played at the XCel Energy Center in St. Paul, which now totals 358. Of those 358 consecutive sellouts at the X, I have been to just two, both against the bottom-feeding Los Angeles Kings. Last night, after the Wild's 5-2 loss against the Kings (their first loss to L.A. at home since 2004..the other game I attended), I questioned whether I want to witness anymore of this franchise's frugal and pathetic attempt at an elite hockey team.

Since their improbable run to the Western Conference Finals in 2003, the Wild have toyed with the Minnesota faithful. In the last six seasons, this team has always been just good enough to make the playoffs, but has never been in serious contention for Lord Stanley's Cup. There has never been a serious attempt to upgrade their offense, despite having one of the games best defensive tacticians behind the bench. Simply put, the Wild are quite content with filling the seats every night at the NHL's best arena and subjecting the paying customers to an average level of hockey that will never produce the game's sacred trophy.

Sometime, the honeymoon will end.

Because You Should See It

Remember that DeQuan Jones dunk I was talking about Saturday night (in the live blog where I said "answer" about 7 million times)? The one I said you should watch Sportscenter for? Well, here it is. The clip begins with a cool little block by Jones, but gets sexified around the 30 second mark.



Once again: HOLY FUCK

Dan Shulman Wins Monday Night

From tonight's Pitt-Syracuse game: after a crowd shot of Santonio Holmes (note: saucission polonaise not shown) , the following exchange occurred:

Jay Bilas: I can't believe Santonio Holmes is wearing my hat.

Dan Shulman: Did he get the free bowl of soup that came with it?

Honorable mention goes to the Pitt crowd who chanted "You hit girls" whenever Eric Devendorf touched the ball. I'm assuming that was meant as an insult.

Postscript: Since we're talking about Syracuse basketball, I might as well start this movement now.

Play Reese.

Expect that to take off in the coming months. Now that football's over, I need something to do with my time. Play Reese should be a fantastic way to throw away my evenings.

And There It Is...

... why this year's Golden Gopher Men's Basketball team is not really that good.

Playing at Northwestern in front of less than 5,000 fans just a few days removed from their biggest Big Ten regular season win in years, is the kind of game good teams win and mediocre teams lose. Coach Tubby Smith hits the nail right on the head in his post-game comments: "I think it's an attention-getter for guys to understand how hard they have to prepare and play."

There's no doubt this program is on the rise and improvements are numerous since Tubby took over less than 2 years ago, but it should now be blatantly obvious that they are far from being Sweet or even Elite.

Here's hoping this loss doesn't keep them out of the NCAA tournament, because that would suck for those kids.

Oh, and I'd like to make mention of the fact that dmk and I both expressed our skepticism in the commentary section of AJR's bandwagon post on Thursday. Maybe dmk should start gambling on college basketball.

Championship Sunday Gamebook

Welcome, reader, to dmk's Championship Sunday gamebook. Depart, if you will, with dmk on a journey through today's games. The gamebook will differ from the liveblogs in some ways. Mostly, the gamebook won't be a play by play type of game recap. If you're watching the games yourself, you don't need that. And if you aren't watching the games, you don't need to read a play by play the next day.

Instead, I'll be returning periodically to write longer, more substantied observations about the game, the commercials, random shit on other channels, etc. But mostly the games.

In the interests of full disclosure, I've made the following bets on today's games. If everything breaks right, I'm going to be rolling in money. Or at least have enough to throw a kickass night out at the bar. If everything breaks wrong, I'm down over $100, with only $15 left to wager on the Super Bowl. Which would fucking blow. Today should be a fun day.

The bets:

Philly -4 ($40 to win $74.78)
Baltimore +6 ($40 to win $74.78)
Baltimore +13/BAL-PIT Over 27 ($10 to win $17.14)
Philly +3/PHI-ARI Over 40.5 ($10 to win $17.14)
Baltimore moneyline ($14 to win $40.60)
Baltimore moneyline/Philly moneyline parlay ($5.15 to win $23.72)
Baltimore +13/Philly +3 ($10 to win $17.14)

As you can see, these are fucking retarded. Especially the teasers. I advise you to stay away from any and all teasers. Like cockteases, teasers look appealling and pull you in but end up taking your money (or your dick) away from other, better opportunities. They're the worst kind of bets/women. So, naturally, I'm attracted to them enough to invest significant money.

Let's get this started. If anyone out there is reading, please feel free to comment. I will address your comments in due time.

NFC Championship Game:

Jordin Sparks' National Anthem was about the only good thing from the pregame. Most of this pregame bullshit is fucking stupid. Although I do feel far more confident about my bets since just about every FOX analyst foresees a Pittsburgh-Arizona Super Bowl.

If I were Kurt Warner, I'd be fucking PISSED about having to interview right before kickoff about stupid "how does this game feel" bullshit. Then again, I wouldn't draw pictures of God either.

Wow. I didn't expect that. Arizona could NOT have looked more impressive on that opening drive. Kurt Warner was methodical, Edgerrin James ran hard, the Cardinals' offensive line controlled the Eagles' front, and the Arizona WRs ran well after the catch. Kudos to Arizona for working Antrell Rolle into the offense as well. 7-0 Arizona.

Of course, the Cardinals fuck up the ensuing kickoff, as it goes out of bounds, giving the Eagles possession at their own 40 yard line.

Philadelphia with a decent opening drive. McNabb looked pretty good, particularly on his third down bullet to Westbrook. And the Eagles' offensive line did a nice job protecting McNabb. He had all day to throw on one key third down, and on the third down where the drive stalled the Philly offensive line and backs did a nice job picking up a blitz. The ball just got abatted down. 7-3 Arizona, with just under 5 minutes left in the first quarter.

Oh. Great. The fucking DSRL is back?

Just like that, Arizona goes three and out. Upon his return to the sidelines, Kurt Warner berates his offensive coordinator. The Cardinals' punt is 34 yards.

Going off the State Farm commercials: What NFL position would Lebron play? He could probably be an NFL WR if he wanted to be. Or at least a kickass TE if he put some weight.

Fuck, Donovan. On first down, he throws behind a wide open DeSean Jackson for what would have been a significant gain. Jackson could still have caught the ball, but it was undoubtedly a shitty throw.

Well, that was wacky. McNabb forced the ball into a well covered WR, but on the intereception return Arizona fumbles, giving the Eagles a fresh set of downs. Let's not do that again, Donovan.

FUCK GREG LEWIS. A goddamn beautiful throw from Donovan McNabb is dropped by Greg Lewis for what would have been a HUGE gain. Philadelphia continues to piss down their leg.

McNabb is just so damn inconsistent. Sometimes he makes phenomenal throws, like the one to Greg Lewis; other times, he throws the ball in the dirt when it could have been a touchdown, like the throw to Hank Baskett. Fortunately for Donovan, the Eagles running game has gotten going.

Troy's right. Arizona's fumbled interception could end up as the biggest play of the game. At the end of the first quarter, it's 7-3 Arizona.

After David Akers shanks a 47 yarder, Matt Leinart comes off the sideline to celebrate. He is fucking PUMPED. Presumably because of the opportunity to spend Super Bowl week at Ybor City.

That was comical. Arizona runs a QB throwback pass, with Warner hitting Fitzgerald for a long ass touchdown after a defender slips. Hell of a play. 14-3 Arizona.

Of course, Joe Buck is already anointing Arizona OC Todd Haley as a great head coaching candidate.

After an untimely defensive holding penalty, Kevin Curtis breaks off a 40+ yard gain to put the Eagles in field goal range. After Rodrick Brown gets away with grabbing a fist full of Jason Avant's jersey on third down, Philly settles for the field goal. 14-6 Arizona.

Arizona is methodically marching down the field. Kurt Warner has an answer every time Philadelphia blitzes, and Larry Fitzgerald is just a fucking badass. 21-6 Arizona.

When Brad Celek is your favorite target, you're in trouble.

If Arizona scores again before the half, this game is over.

Of course, McNabb fumbles to open the second half. At this point I'm more excited for the "We Are One" concert at 6. It's on HBO, but there's a free HBO preview for all Comcast subscribers.

When the Eagles lose this game, does Donovan McNabb get booted from Philly? He shouldn't, but never underestimate the stupidity of mob mentality.

Yeah, the Eagles are going to need some crazy shit to happen for them to win. It's not out of the question since the Cardinals are involved, but it's not likely.

Shit just got interesting. After a long completion to Kevin Curtis, Donovan McNabb tosses a TD to Brad Celek. 24-13 Arizona, with 4 minutes left in the 3rd quarter.

Interesting question from AJR about whether the Cardinals are the "Worst Super Bowl Team Ever." My immediate thought is to ask what metric we're going by. If we're going solely by record, then the answer is probably yes. But if we want to look at other stats (basic offense/defense/special teams rankings, even DVOA), I'm inclined to think there are worse teams out there. I'm researching it now. Stay tuned.

By the way: KICK THE FUCKING BALL INBOUNDS, PHILADELPHIA.

Maybe we won't have to address the "Are the Cardinals the worst Super Bowl team ever?" question after all. Come on, Philly. Get a touchdown here and you can still cover.

Deadspin founder and Cardinals superfan Will Leitch's twitter feed live from the game is getting pretty hysterical. I recommend checking it out.

Hoo boy. This is going to be a fun 4th quarter. Brent Celek - who I've been inexplicably calling Brad Celek the entire game - goes in again for the Eagles after a nice little run after the catch. But WTF, Andy Reid? Why do you kick the extra point there? I know you aren't known for your clock and game management skills, but that was Chris Brann-esque. Deservingly, Akers duffs the extra point. He's having an awful game. 24-19 Arizona, with just under a minute left in the third quarter.

Were I a Cardinals fan right now, I would be absolutely terrified. This is the type of game franchises like the Cardinals, Bills, Browns, Vikings, and Lions historically lose in memorable fashion.

Warner throws a terrible incompletion to nobody. He's getting hit, and he's getting flustered. Barring a backbreaking turnover, the Eagles are totally coming back to win this game.

By the way, you have to love the timing of the new movie "The International." Not only are the banks out to take your money - they're out to KILL YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY, YOU WORTHLESS PEON. Only the white knights in the government can save us! It's as bad as those assholes who think the government is ALWAYS out to get them, only with the
exact opposite political spin.

That said: I'm probably going to see that movie. It looks like there are some kickass explosions, and ever since I saw Naomi Watts' massive nipples in 21 Grams she's been pretty high in my book.

McNabb hits DeSean Jackson for a long touchdown. That has to be game, set, match Eagles. This is the Cardinals, after all. The only question now is whether Philadelphia covers. 25-24 Philadelphia.

No, Arizona definitely still has a shot. It's only one point, after all. But they'll need to protect Kurt Warner and have Larry Fitzgerald revive himself.

If the Cardinals do end up winning this game, that would be a pretty good story too. Yes?

The Cardinals HAVE to go for this 4th and inches.

And Tim Hightower converts. This ending is gonna be fun.

I should note that I don't envision any scenario in which the Eagles cover. Which is unfortunate.

Larry Fitzgerald is starting to take over again. Not coincidentally, Fitz's revival coincides with the Cardinals being able to protect Warner. The question now is whether Arizona is able to punch in a touchdown or if they settle for a field goal.

And Donovan McNabb will have to lead a touchdown drive for the Eagles to reach the Super Bowl. He'll have just under three minutes and one timeout to do it. Arizona converts the two point conversion. 32-25 Arizona. We're in for a hell of a finish.

Actually, shit. Philadelphia CAN cover. If this game goes to overtime, they can win on a touchdown. I'm now pumped again.

You know, had the Eagles run a 2 minute drill in Super Bowl 39 like they're doing here, Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid may have a Super Bowl ring.

On second and third down, McNabb misfires badly. We're at the two minute warning. Philadelphia has 4th and 10. Here we go.

Kevin Curtis drops a poorly thrown but catchable 4th down throw. That should do it.

The Arizona Cardinals are headed to the Super Bowl.

Read that previous sentence again. More inexplicable: Arizona in the Super Bowl or Tampa Bay in the World Series? I leave that question for you to ponder. I'll be back for the AFC title game. After Philadelphia didn't even cover my damn teasers, I need a drink.

AFC Championship:

Before we begin the AFC title game, an announcment: The Icy-Hot 2009 Super Bowl Drinking Game will be published Friday. You're going to enjoy it.

While I was eating dinner, Pittsburgh moved down into field goal range, mostly on the strength of a long connection from Ben Roethlisberger to Hines Ward. 3-0 Pittsburgh.

We may have a winner in the Worst Super Bowl Team ever category, or, at least, an interesting nominee. The 2007 New York Giants were in the middle of the pack on offense, defense, special teams, and in DVOA throughout the regular season. But like the Cardinals, they got hot at the right time and ended up winning the NFC (and later, the Super Bowl). The only reason the Giants wouldn't be considered the "Worst Team Ever" is that they, of course, won the whole damn thing.

A better category might be: worst regular season team to appear in the Super Bowl.

I'm not going to lie: I'm drifting in and out of attention to the blog. Especially since it looks like Pittsburgh may run away with this game, as the Steelers are about to go up 10-0. I'll return later.

Ok. There's about 6 minutes remaining in the first half, and I'm ready to talk again. I think. The Ravens are down 13-0 and look pretty fucking terrible. Santonio Holmes and Ben Roethlisberger both made awesome plays on Pittsburgh's touchdown. The Steelers are controlling this game; it doesn't look as if Baltimore will be able to put up more than 10 points.

I've also been watching some of the We Are One concert. Will I AM looks like the type of guy who'd be playing the guitar with an open container outside a bus stop.

At this point I'm starting to think about the Super Bowl, specifically the gambling ramifications. Now, I won't be wagering much, since I lost all my goddamn money today. But if I had to guess as to what the opening spread would be, I'd say Pittsburgh is an eight point favorite, give or take a point.

Random note: my gambling results from this postseason are strikingly similar to those from 2006 - the last time Pittsburgh appeared in the Super Bowl. That means nothing, but it interests me.

Another random note: I'm a shitty gambler.

Well, Jim Leonhard gives the Ravens some life with a big punt return. The Bills released him last offseason. Of course they did.

Bawlmer gets more help with a pass interference call, and Willis McGahee capitalizes by punching it in from three yards out. Steelers fans admirably get a loud enough "bullshit" chant going that it's clearly heard on national television. Which is always fun. With just under three minutes remaining, it's 13-7 Pittsburgh.

Suddenly Pittsburgh can't move the ball. Hines Ward's injury could end up as the difference in this game. At the 2 minute warning, Baltimore has the ball at their own 32 yard line.

In other news, Shakira just made an appearance at the We Are One concert. Nothing like bringing in a Colombian to celebrate the election of an American President.

Also, I'm pretty sure Usher and Steview Wonder are wearing the same glasses. Which is fun.

Now we have a decision to make: Watch Samuel L. Jackson talk, or watch Joe Flacco attempt to execute a two minute drive. I think I'm going with Jackson. For one reason:



Well, maybe two.



Jackson actually had a good speech, albeit one that distorted Lincoln's perspective on slavery. Unfortunately, he introduced U2. As much as I grudgingly admit U2 makes good music, FUCK Bono. Sanctimonious prick.

Also, it's 13-7 Pittsburgh at halftime after Roethlisberger fucks up the time management and Pittsburgh can't get a field goal. And U2 sounds damn good. Actually, they sound fucking balls-out awesome. For the first time today I genuinely wish I was at DC event.

Barack just finished speaking (yes, I know this isn't live, but I mean on the HBO broadcast). It was pretty good speech, all things considered. In fact, the entire concert was well done. I only have one complaint: In an event containing a bunch of patriotic songs, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT BRING IN LEE GREENWOOD TO SING GOD BLESS THE USA?

Well, to answer my own question: Lee Greenwood is apparently a big time Republican. With a jacket like this, I'd expect nothing less.

Beyonce has some fucked up eyebrows. It may be because her hair is pulled back so tightly, but I'm half expecting her head to split open and a a serpent to jump out.

All in all, that was a cool concert/political celebration. But I'm glad I was able to comfortably watch from my apartment and not be subject to exiting with millions of goddamn hippies. I can't imagine trying to get out of there and onto the metro. I'm fairly certain I'd fucking stab someone.

Back to the surprisingly tense (after the way it started) AFC title game: Flacco takes a big loss on a QB keeper to back the Ravens up. This game will probably come down to field position and whichever defense is able to force a key turnover. Judging by how the game has gone so far, I'm willing to bet that team will be Pittsburgh. Although with how my bets have gone so far today, I wouldn't put any money on that, were I you.

Well, Todd Heap just dropped a catchable first down throw. Baltimore will punt, down 6 with 9 minutes remaining in the third quarter.

When you're gambling against him, it's really fucking annoying how Ben Roethlisberger is able to escape nearly every sack situation and still have enough arm strength to thread the ball downfield.

Jeff Reed, the kicker who once took a picture of his own dick (NSFW), (bologna) hammers home a field goal to put the Steelers up 16-7.

Shit. To open the 4th quarter, Roethlisberger hits Limas Sweed on third and long deep in Pittsburgh's own territory. That would have been a HUGE stop for the Ravens.

Right as Jim Nantz mentions Mitch Berger used to punt for the Vikings, he shanks a punt that gives Baltimore the ball at their own 45 yard line. In that case, causation (referring to a player as a former Viking) DOES equal correlation.

Baltimore begins its possession with chicanery - a double reverse to Mark Clayton for about 20 yards. The next play they get called for holding. Of fucking course they do.

Yay. Joe Flacco comes back with two big completions to Derrick Mason, and it's a Ravens first down inside Pittsburgh's 25 yard line. Two plays later Ike Taylor gets flagged for pass interference in the end zone. Along the way Willis McGahee has done a tremendous job picking up blitzers. When McGahee was traded from Buffalo, one of the reasons the Bills gave for trading him was that he sucked in pass protection. God, I fucking hate the Bills organization.

Willis McGahee goes in for the score. It's a 16-14 Pittsburgh lead with 9:30 remaining. Buckle up.

On a key third down Max Starks has the epiotome of an ole block on Terrell Suggs. Consequently, Suggs takes down Roethlisberger and the Steelers are forced to punt. After a nice return from Jim Leonhard the Ravens will have a chance to take the lead.

Nevermind about that field position thing. Darren Stone takes an idiotic personal foul penalty, as he hits someone while they're out of bounds. On his own fucking sideline. What a cockpumper.

Oh, Joe Flacco, you magnificent bastard. Joseph has a huge third and long throw to bring Baltimore out over the Ravens' 30 yard line. One gets the impression this game will come down to a long Matt Stover field goal attempt. Baltimore takes a timeout with 5:13 left. They have one remaining.

MOTHER. FUCKER. Not only does Joe Flacco throw an INT, it's returned for a score. Which means Pittsburgh is up 23-14, and Baltimore is no longer covering. FUCKING FUCK.

Um, that was a pretty serious collision between McGahee and Clark. Wowzers. McGahee's down for awhile. And I just love how the PA is playing music while he's down. And upbeat music at that. Morons.

CBS just cut to a shot of Ray Lewis praying. Thankfully, God's linebacker is in the house, so I'm sure McGahee will be fine.

Ok, CBS keeps showing replays of the hit on McGahee, and the way his head snaps back...I dunno. That's as bad a hit as I've seen, including the infamous hit on Anquan Boldin that resulted in Boldin getting a metal face. The good news is that as they're taking McGahee off he's moving his extremeties.

It's also pretty amusing how Jim Nantz is now subdued in his announcing. Clown.

Baltimore isn't going to cover. Of course. Well, I guess I did say that I wanted to see a Pittsburgh-Arizona Super Bowl. So that's good. I guess.

If you're into ridiculously early betting, Pittsburgh is a 6.5 point favorite.

After another Joe Flacco INT this game is over. Super Bowl 43 will be the Arizona Cardinals and Pittsburgh Steelers.

With that, I'm out. Thanks for sticking with me. Goodnight moon.

Live Blog: Miami-UNC

Do your Saturday night plans involve staying indoors? Are you going to be surrounded with copious amounts of alcohol AND near a computer? If the answer to both questions is yes, then join dmk as he live blogs the Miami-North Carolina ACC showdown. I've live-blogged Hurricane sporting events twice. On both occasions, Miami was embarrassed.

If you like to imagine an angry dmk yelling, cursing, and throwing shit at his walls, come back tonight at 9 EST/8 CST. Because all of that will be happening. Erin Andrews will be here. And who knows - maybe Jack McClinton will slap someone again!

Pregame:

Miami comes into this game with a 13-3 regular season record (2-1 ACC). Two losses came against #4 UCONN and #10 Clemson, while the other loss game in the aforementioned McClinton-slapfest game. Miami's big wins came at Kentucky, at St. John's, at Boston College, and against Maryland. They probably should be ranked in the low end of the top 25, but for some reason that hasn't happened yet.

McClinton is Miami's leading scorer and, really, only hope to win tonight; if he performs (i.e. scores), Miami can stay competitive. Miami's rebounding is terrific. They're second in the nation in total rebounds per game and third in rebounding margin. UM also plays decent defense, as they're in the top 15 in the nation in field goal defense.

UNC comes into tonight 14-2 overall, 1-2 in the ACC. The Tar Heels' losses have come against quality opponents Wake Forest and Boston College. Like any other team that faces UNC, Miami will need to stop - or at least slow down - Tyler Hansbrough and Ty Lawson if they hope to win. Dwayne Collins and the Miami frontcourt will have a tough time limiting Hansbrough, but if the 'Canes can do that this game will be worth watching. At least until the second half.

I'll be sticking with you so long as the game's competitive. If it gets out of hand, I may wander off to the bar, or to a movie, or to some other unknown destination.

First Half:

Whoa. Wait a minute. I just heard that this year the Final Four is in Detroit. Seriously? That fucking shithole? What, was Baltimore unavailable?

Every single goddamn analyst LOVES North Carolina tonight. Mostly because they've already two ACC games and "need this win." If this game plays out like some of these clowns are saying, Miami will be run out of the gym by halftime.

Miami is starting freshman phenom DeQuan Jones, an athletic swing player who's lost nearly every loved one in his life. His story is chronicled here.

McClinton comes out firing and hits a mid range jumper. Hansbrough answers with a dunk. A few possessions pass, with each team engaging in poor shot selection, before Hansbrough gets to the line. 2 minutes have passed. 4-2 UNC.

Arkansas transfer Cyrus McGowan drills a three to put Miami up 5-4. Hansbrough gets to the line, hitting both free throws again. 6-5 UNC.


De'Quan Jones doesn't realize the shot clock is about to expire and just holds the ball as time runs out. A terrible turnover for Miami. We'll brush that off as a freshman mistake. Frank Hait, though, isn't so forgiving, as he immediately pulls Jones. McClinton then promptly drills a three. 7-6 Miami, heading into the under 16 minute tv timeout.


Before the break, Dick Vitale was talking about Miami signee Durand Scott, out of Rice H.S. in New York, and how he was going to be an immediate impact player. Well, dmk's high school played against Rice (and Scott) tonight in a N.Y. tournament. Did my school win? Well, I'm not sure yet, but based on their track record I'd guess they did.

Ty Lawson and Adrian Thomas exchange two's before Hansbrough gets another pair. 10-9 UNC.

Suddenly, neither team can hit anything from the field. We also get our first Tim Tebow-Tyler Hansbrough comparison from Dick Vitale. Considering both guys are annoying, white, extremely talented college players who don't project well to the next level, this was inevitable.

Miami takes an 11-10 lead on two free throws, and on the ensuing possession DeQuan Jones posterizes Deon Thompson. With three seconds left on the shot clock, UNC turns the ball over. Miami misses a shot, but UNC turns it over - AGAIN - and then gets called for goaltending. The Heels look very sloppy. 13-10 Miami with 12 minutes left in the opening half.

Coming out of the time out, Danny Green hits from three to tie things up. Dwayne Collins promptly answers to put Miami up 15-13. On the ensuing possession, UNC turns it over but Danny Green makes an ass out of Dwayne Collins with a rejection. Cyrus McGowan misses three shots inside the paint and UNC has the ball back before the entire fucking process is repeated - UNC turnover, Miami breakaway, UNC block.

Of course, then DeQuan Jones makes a reverse dunk that would probably get him third place in an NBA dunk contest - yet alone in a competitive college game. Seriously, turn on Sportscenter tommorrow morning and take a look. Yep, I'm actually recommending you watch Sportscenter. The dunk was that fucking good. 17-13 Miami.

UNC answers with a three point play before McClinton answers with an NBA three. 20-16 Miami.

UNC answers with two free throws before trying to full court press. McClinton calmly answers with a pull back jumper. On the ensuing possession, UNC turns the ball over. Thomas answers with a three for the Canes. 25-18 Miami.

Hansbrough gets whistled for the offensive foul, but Miami can't answer. Hansbrough then answers with a three point play. Dwayne Collins responds with a short jumper, and McClinton hits ANOTHER long range three. He has 12 points already, and we're not even 13 minutes into the game. 30-21 Miami.

UNC gets a quick bucket and we're headed to commercial with just over 7 minutes left in the half. 30-23 Miami.

Coming out of the timeout, James Dews gets a bucket for Miami before we go back to commercial. 32-23 Miami.

By the way, I haven't thrown anything yet, adn the only cursing thus far has been either in a positive manner (FUCK YEAH after a few of McClinton's threes) or at stupid commercials or gchat interactions. So, all in all, I've been pretty calm thus far.


UNC looks really, really sloppy. After Miami badly misses a three, the Heels get called for traveling in the backcourt.

Jesus. Jack McClinton is shooting 47% from three point range this year. I follow UM basketball pretty closely, and even I didn't realize he was THAT good.

By the way, Miami's frontcourt of Thomas and McGowan is in foul trouble, with two each. Fortunately, Jimmy Graham, the rare African American ginger, has been strong off the bench for Miami.

Ty Lawson strips McClinton and feeds Hansbrough for an easy dunk. The next possession UNC gets another breakaway dunk. Suddenly, it's a 32-29 Miami lead with 3 minutes remaining in the half.

We have not seen ONE cutaway to Erin Andrews since the game started. UN-FUCKING-ACCEPTABLE, ESPN.

Hansbrough hits another 18 footer, giving him 20 (!) for the first half and pulling UNC within 1. After a Miami miss, Danny Green misses a three. It's 32-31 UNC.

Miami suddenly can't hit anything from the field. James Dews bricks a three, and on the ensuing possession Ed Davis lays in a second chance opportunity to give UNC the lead at 33-32. Jimmy Graham commits an offensive foul, and UNC will have the ball with 21 seconds remaining before halftime.

And Danny Green hits a three before the half. Going into the locker room, it's 36-32 UNC.

Halftime:

In his interview with the lovely Erin, Frank Haith's first comments are to blame the fucking refs. Way to make your players accountable, asshole.

I haven't seen it yet, but a spoiler for the new Notorious movie: Biggie gets shot.

Sorry.

Sure, it would be better with more shots of Lyla jogging, but some actual halftime entertainment:



Second Half:

On the second half's opening possession, Danny Green misses a 15 footer for UNC. McClinton hits an awkward looking running floater to pull Miami within two. Ty Lawson answers with a three. 39-34 UNC.

At this point McClinton's basically pulling up as soon as he crosses halfcourt. It's not a bad idea right now, because he's hitting shots. But it's also not sustainable.

Dick Vitale just said Erin had "alot of passion in everything she does." Man, I hope so.

De'Quan Jones with another dunk, although it's of the more mundane version, to pull Miami within 41-38. Wayne Ellington drills threes on consecutive possessions, sandwiched around an Adrian Thomas bucket.

McClinton hits a three for Miami before Ellington hits ANOTHER three, giving Ellington UNC's last 11 points. 50-43 Heels, and Danny Green gets to the line heading into commercial. Carolina's starting to run away with this game.

Danny Green hits both free throws. Miami succumbs to Carolina's press, turning the ball over on the ensuingg possession. It's suddenly a fairly commanding nine point Tar Heel lead. 52-43 UNC.

Ty Lawson bangs it home from three, Jack McClinton turns the ball over, Tyler Hansbrough hits an 8 footer, and Dick Vitale drones on about how Tyler Hansbrough, Tim Tebow, and Derek Jeter are all great role models for kids. Presumably, Jeter is included because Vitale wants kids to infect supermodels with herpes. 55-43 Tar Heels.

Lance Hurdle can't hit his damn free throws for Miami. Suddenly UNC has a commanding 14 point lead.

Make that 17 points after Wayne Ellington's 5th three of the second half. I'm offically angry.

And after a dunk, it's 65-46 UNC with 10 minutes to go in the half.

Like all the UM games I've live blogged, this is out of hand. I'm done for the evening. If Miami comes back, so be it. I'll have a drunken late night rambling "OMGDIDUSEEDAT!!!11!" post. Until tomorrow.

Baby Momma Drama: D-Wade Version

Around the basketball watching country, the general impression of Dwyane Wade is that he's a pretty class, upstanding citizen. And a damn fine basketball player too. "One of the good guys," unlike those goddamn tattooed thugs who don't play defense and probably smoke alot of weed. The horror!

But jackasses who use appearance and on-court persona to stereotype individuals might have to look closer at Mr. Wade. From the Miami Herald:

Heating up: Miami Heat guard Dwyane Wade's divorce from wife Siohvaughn, his high school sweetheart. In legal papers, she alleges he abandoned his children, committed adultery, and infected her with an unspecified sexually transmitted disease.

To begin, let's point out that all of these allegations from Dwyane's wife are unproven so far. Still, that doesn't depress their entertainment value.

Now, Siohvaughn's first allegation is pretty par for the course in divorce cases, particularly celebrity divorce cases. But infecting your wife with an STD? Jesus Christ. That's an impressive lack of morality. I can understand barebacking with one's wife - after all, if you can't do that, it's probably not worth getting married - but not wrapping it up while dining upon your road beef?

It gets better:

From Siohvaughn's pleading: ``Dwyane has dissipated substantial sums of marital property including . . . buying his mother a $2 million church; placing substantial sums of money in an account with another woman; providing numerous friends and family members with unfettered access to accounts with hundreds of thousands of dollars of marital funds from which they made substantial withdrawals . . .''

Meanwhile, she says, he cut her off financially.

A $2 million dollar church? Do they give out diamonds at communion? I'm sure Jesus, a carpenter who wandered the Earth without any real possessions and lived under the "meek will inherit the Earth" philosophy, would just fucking LOVE Dwyane spending $2 million on a church for his mother.

Dwyane, named a ''Father of the Year'' in 2007 by the National Father's Day Committee,

Well played, Joan Fleishman.

has gone ''months'' without seeing his boys, Siohvaughn says. His ''failure to spend time with them . . . has resulted in the children at times being afraid of him; in fact, Zion . . . does not recognize or know Dwyane.'' She wants sole custody, and support.

To be fair, how much does a 1 year old recognize? I ask that as a serious question. I'm not around babies much. Even if they are fun to punch.

She also says she has suffered ''grievous physical, emotional and mental injury'' from the STD, diagnosed in the fall of '07. (The infection is not HIV or a ''killer thing,'' sources say.) Dwyane and his ''paramour or paramours'' are liable, she alleges.

So, no HIV or "killer things." That's good. I guess. Nobody wants the die slow. Big ups on avoiding that, D-Wade.

I'm hoping it was the clap. That's alot funnier disease than Herpes, because the clap is cured with a little penicillin, while herpes is that friend who follows you around forever. Also, the clap is more of a sign of whorish-ness than the herpes.

Finally, as another sign of our economic times:

In 2007, the Wades put their six-bedroom Pinecrest home on the market for $8.9 million. It has yet to sell. List price is now $4.599 million.

The good news? Any loss on the sale of property or real estate is tax deductible! Also, the Mavericks just got called for fouling Wade again.