BtC: Super Bowl XLIV

IHS is now coming to you from South Florida. AJR’s on the way to Miami, and I’m comfortably holed up in Fort Lauderdale. I’m not drunk yet, although by the time you read this I probably will be. DADDY’S GONNA GET FUCKED UP TONIGHT.

Besides getting drunk, we do have a plethora of fun filled activities planned. For example:

A few of the NFL sponsored concerts.

Thursday night, there’s a concert in West Palm Beach featuring Starship. Don’t remember Starship? Allow me to refresh your memory.



Yeah. AJR’s not in Florida yet, and I’m probably not going to that by myself.

Friday night, there’s a concert on South Beach featuring Nelly Furtado and Pitbull. A friend of the blog has already given us an excellent rendition of Furtado’s Maneater. The concert is on VH-1. We have tickets to this, only because they were just over one dollar per ticket. If you enjoy watching awkward white guys try to grind up against sweaty latino girls, tune in. You may just catch one of us getting slapped.

Also on Friday night, there’s an "event' featuring Doug Flutie’s band. This “concert” is at a dive bar located less than five minutes from my house. If I can’t get down to South Beach tomorrow night, I’mma go heckle the shit out of Flutie.

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Oh, and if YOU happen to be bored on Friday night, tune in to ESPN 2 at 7 EST/6 CST/4 PST. My high school's basketball team is on ESPN 2, and they have the #1 uncommitted senior in the country. They're really fucking good.

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Saturday, there’s an O.A.R. concert on the beach. O.A.R. isn’t anything great – they’re like Dave Matthews Band for conch-shell-necklace-wearing, lacrosse-stick-twirling date rapist BRAHs who think DMB is too “mainstream” – but the concert is free. And we can get fucking blotto on the beach before the concert, hopefully to the point where we won’t even be able to hear any music. And they have all types of NFL and Super Bowl related shit there, and there’s all types of bars around the Sheraton. Michael Irvin’s been known to hang out there. On July 4, 2008, I saw him at a similar bar on the beach. Irvin did not stab me in the neck with scissors, but his kid was wearing a shirt that said “Lil’ Playmaker.”

Update: Irvin's now accused of raping a girl at the Seminole Hard Rock Casino. How timely!

Saturday, there’s also A Taste of the NFL event. Basically, this thing has chefs from all 32 cities who cook up a bunch of food and serve booze (I think just wine and beer), and then a bunch of NFL players and C list celebrities show up to “raise hunger awareness” (or some type of similarly vague, bullshit PR stunt). The food and booze are all you can eat. If The Taste of the NFL let everyone sample some of the chef’s personal sausage, it’d be exactly like the GldnKnight’s wet dream.

We're also tentatively scheduled to scope out some of the clubs on South Beach and at the Hard Rock. Mansion. Space. Passion. Pangaea. Gryphon. (Read that description for Gryphon. It’s pretty much my own personal version of Heaven). If a club has a dipshit, one-word name, we’re gonna try to get into it. And we’re gonna fail. Miserably. I hope a bouncer jacks me in the face because he feels I've insulted the club by holding any sort of belief they'd admit me.

Now, we’re doing all of this in the name of investigative journalism. None of this will actually be enjoyable. Were it up to me, I’d black out and wake up on the beach with my pants missing. I can’t do that if I go to a club on South Beach. They don’t honor a “pants optional” policy. Bullshit, I tell ya. It’s like the terrorists have already won.

I also have a game ticket. So, yeah. That did happen. Again. Yes, I’m a fucking douchebag. I know that. My camera’s been a bit of a cocktease lately, but if it works, I’ll have an IHS field trip report up next week. Hopefully, it’ll cover most of the week’s events, and the album won’t be titled “An Insider’s Perspective of the Dade County Jail.”

And, well, I suppose this is the right time, and venue, to tell AJR this. AJR: if the Vikes had won the NFC Title Game, I probably had two Super Bowl tickets for you in the face value ($800-$1k) range. The seats even would have been much better than mine - you would’ve been in the lower bowl. Almost close enough for Pete Townshend to take pornographic pictures of the kid sitting next to you. Bummer, dude. Maybe next time.

Anyway, there’s a game Sunday. Let’s talk about that, in rambling, quasi-bullet-point-esque form.

New Orleans Offense vs. Indianapolis Defense:

- The Colts have the speed on defense to limit New Orleans through the air. The Indianapolis defense uses the same template as they have throughout the decade – limit big plays, make the opposition move down the field with long drives, and hope that two or three times a game the opposition fucks up and turns the ball over.

- New Orleans should be able to run the ball with some success. And that’s the key for the Saints’ offense – if they can move the ball on the ground, they can keep their offense on the field, wear down the undersized Indianapolis defense, and control the time of possession. Plus, if Pierre Thomas and Mike Bell can beat down the Colts’ front seven, the Saints receivers should have some room to operate.

- Dwight Freeney’s health is crucial. If Freeney’s out, New Orleans’ biggest weakness on offense (protecting Drew Brees’ blind side) doesn’t have to be covered up as much, meaning the Saints don’t have to keep a back or tight end in to chip Freeney. If Freeney can play, even if it’s only for 20 snaps, Indianapolis should get ample pressure on Brees and hold the Saints’ offense under 25 points. Which should be enough for to bring the Lombardi Trophy back to Indianapolis.

Indianapolis Offense vs. New Orleans Defense:

- New Orleans doesn’t do a great job in the passing game, especially against secondary receivers and tight ends. That’s going to fucking kill them on Sunday. Jabari Greer did a nice job shutting down Sidney Rice in the NFC Title Game, and Greer may be able to similarly limit Reggie Wayne. But look at what Bernard Berrian and Visanthe Shiancoe did through the air against the Saints. In the second half, Shiancoe and his cock ripped through the New Orleans secondary like it was a 16 year old white gi….well, I think you know where I’m going with this.

- And then notice that the Saints have been giving up chunks of yards to secondary receivers and tight ends all year. And then notice that the Colts have better secondary receivers than the Vikes, and a better QB. Put this all together, and the Saints’ defense is going to be in for a long day if they can’t pressure Manning.

- But that’s the reason for hope: New Orleans’ ability to pressure the QB. The Saints will be going against a better offensive line than they did in either the Divisional round or NFC title game. But Gregg Williams is pretty creative. If his defense can get pressure on Manning like they did on Favre, the Saints have a chance to slow the Colts’ passing attack.

- I’d expect the Saints to employ the same “beat the hell out of the QB, even if it’s late or dirty” mindset against Manning as they did against Favre. Will it work? Probably not.

- New Orleans also struggles quite a bit against the run. That’s an even bigger defensive weakness for them than stopping secondary receivers. Remember how, in Super Bowl XLI, the Colts’ running game was actually the MVP, and Peyton Manning only won the MVP because he’s, you know, Peyton Manning? Yeah, Sunday may end up with the same type of outcome.

Special Teams:

- Both teams have shitty special teams. Indianapolis won’t do much in the big play department. New Orleans may get a big return from Reggie Bush, but there’s an equally good chance that Bush fucks up and turns the ball over in a key spot. Barring a massively boneheaded turnover, special teams probably won’t be the difference on Sunday.

Coaches:

- Sean Payton’s offensive game plans are among the best in the NFL. Indianapolis will see more different route combinations in this game than they have all through the playoffs. Meanwhile, Gregg Williams does a great job getting the most out of a Saints’ defense that has mediocre talent.

- The Indianapolis staff? Whatever. That entire team’s pretty much self-aware at this point.

Halftime Show:


- The Who is performing, meaning we’ll have a registered sex offender at the game (Fine. Another registered sex offender, now that I have a ticket). I can’t tell you how much it excites me that Roger Goodell and the NFL are willing to let a registered sex offender perform at the Super Bowl, but they’re afraid of using younger, more relevant performers for the halftime show because of the chance that something offensive happens.

- The Who will fucking suck, unless you’re a 50+ year old hippie or a shitbag hipster who likes to begin conversations by telling people how much he “appreciates their sound.” I’m in favor of bringing back Prince for any and every halftime show. Prince’s halftime show was the fucking boss.

Commercials:

- Gay. That's really all I have to say about the commercials. But just wait until the Tim Tebow/Focus on the Family commercial airs. It's virtually guaranteed someone at your gathering will get on their soapbox and make you want to kidnap them and sell their organs on the black market.

- Someone at your party will proudly, and without any solicitation, announce to everyone that they’re only at the party for the commercials. These people are fucking assholes. Not because they’re only interested in the commercials. That’s fine. (And chances are, most of these people are women, meaning most men are only interested in their tits, but that's not the point here). No, these people are assholes because they feel the need to tell you just how edgy they are, due to their only interest being the commercials. In reality, these people are not different from half the people at your party. They just feel the need to tell everyone how different they are, which makes them fucking assholes.

Drinking Game: Here. Play it. You’ll enjoy yourself.

Outlook:

A lot’s been made of the spread being so close. You know the last time a spread was this low? Baltimore-New York in Super Bowl XXXV. That game fucking blew.

But, of course, the result of Super Bowl XXXV is irrelevant to the result of Super Bowl XLIV.

Still, in Super Bowl XLIV, Indianapolis is the much better team. Their defense is good enough to limit the Saints’ offense, and the Colts’ offense pretty much hasn’t been stopped all year when their starters have been playing.

But that brings up the issue of: how much more interesting would this game be if the Colts were gunning for 19-0? Sure, Saints-Colts is still a fairly compelling matchup, but add in 19-0, and it probably breaks all sorts of ratings records. And if Goodell had the 18-0 Colts going against Brett Favre? Dear God.

Anyway, unless Peyton Manning gets banged around early, the Colts shouldn’t have any difficulty moving the ball down the field. And as long as Indianapolis doesn’t turn the ball over like the Vikes did, they’ll put up over 30 points, which should be enough to win. New Orleans’ offense is pretty good, but it’s not as good as it once appeared. And a fast, undersized defense like the Colts is a bad matchup for the Saints’ passing game.

If New Orleans can establish the run early, they’ve got a shot to keep this close. I expect the game to be close for a half, but the second half should get out of hand. Peyton Manning wins his second Super Bowl and Second Super Bowl MVP. And, in the process, he cements his place as the best QB in NFL history.

Pick: Indianapolis 38, New Orleans 17.

Now: would you please hand me that mini-straw? There’s still a bit of coke residue on that dead Puerto Rican stripper’s tits. Wouldn’t want that to go to waste.