Pretty much every review of Target Field I’ve read has been overwhelmingly positive. If you’ve read anything about Target Field, I’m sure you’ve had the same experience. Still, if you haven’t been to Target Field yet, you may be wondering “Is this place really as perfect as people say?”
Well, let’s examine Target Field, from the perspective of someone who pretty much thinks everything Minnesota sports-related (with the inexplicable exception of the Timberwolves) can eat a bag of dicks.
Friday night, I made the trek to Target Field for the first game in the season ticket package I split with AJR and some other equally fabulous gays (AJR did not accompany me). Zack Grienke pitched like dogshit and the Twins won handily. But, really, I didn’t give a baker’s fuck about that, because I had the stadium to explore.
Fortunately for you all, I brought a dedicated Minnesota Wild season ticket holder with me to help out. As those of you who know him would expect, he was about as useful as tits on a bull, but we still managed to make it most of the way through the stadium. How was it? Let’s go.
Ballpark Neighborhood
Good: The light rail works great.
But if you drive, as I did, parking is ample and readily available, even on a Friday afternoon when you pull in to downtown Minneapolis around 5:30. Rent-a-cops are around the stadium controlling traffic, so you’re less likely to be inconvenienced by homeless people hassling you for money, people not following traffic signals, and someone going all Donte Stallworth on you.
Most of the bars around the park had decent happy hour drink specials. I went to O’Donovan’s (a.k.a O’Doyle Rules, as our Greek friend calls it), and they had some kind of cheap drink deal. Also, Seville’s Cabaret has a deal where you get in free with a ticket stub, and I think you get either a free drink or a free lap dance. Now, I fucking hate strip clubs, and would rather watch Joe Mauer give a motivational speech to a group of 9 year old Special Olympians than step foot in a strip club, but if you want to let a saggy-tittied 40 year old who’s been scraped more times than an 8 year old’s knee dry hump you for a modest price, then Seville’s has a great pre-game deal for you.
Bad: There aren’t any parking lots to tailgate. I know tailgating isn’t as big for baseball as it is for football, but I at least like to have the option to tailgate. So that’s gay.
Unfortunately, Minneapolis still hasn’t legalized murdering homeless people, and two of them, at different times, asked me for money. That was aggravating. Also, those people who wait on street corners (not hookers) and hand out cards to Gentlemen’s clubs are all over, and they still try to shove shit in your hand while you’re walking by. I wouldn’t mind shoving them onto the light rail tracks.
And I saw some hippie holding a sign of protest, which, again, rage, legalize murder, bring genocide upon everyone, and so on and so forth.
Overall: The neighborhood is put together pretty nicely. The bars have put out some decent deals for the games, and the traffic control was up to par. A rock solid effort.
Grade: A.
Plaza, Concourses, Walkways, Food, and Other In-Stadium Stuff That Doesn’t Actually Involve Watching the Game
Good: No more Dome Dogs.
Yeah, Dome Dogs may have tasted acceptable for the cheap price, but now the Twins have food that doesn’t look and taste like afterbirth. The new brats and dogs were pretty good. The cheese curds were okay – not as good as the kind they used to sell outside the stadium, but still acceptable (note: I once finished three orders of cheese curds in the time it took me to walk from the plaza outside the Dome to the entryway, so I may not be the best reference point). The burgers, chicken tenders, and sandwiches looked pretty good.
Target Field also has some “new, exciting” options like turkey legs, barbeque sandwiches, Cuban food (probably a big hit with the substantial Cuban population in the Twin Cities area), and a Mexican stand that served tacos and burritos but, unfortunately, did not have cockfights. There’s a bunch of ice cream and candy stands throughout the place. Beer varieties are excellent, in that you have a bunch of different options for getting drunk off water-downed beer. Enough concession stands exist to the point where no line is unbearably long.
The open concourses kick all types of ass. You can walk all the way around the stadium without having to miss anything, and the concourses are open air, which will be nice when it’s not cold. In theory, the concourses should be big enough to accommodate everyone, but more on that later.
The plaza that’s just inside the gate at 6th street (I think it’s 6th street) and in left field fucking rules. It’s big enough to hang out, but doesn’t become overcrowded, even when everyone is trying to get in that way before the game. I didn’t try watching the game from there, but I imagine you could do it and be in decent shape. And even if you couldn’t see the game decently, it’d be a nice place to stand and get hammered on a sunny day during the Summer.
Bad: I don’t know what Auggie Tech or UST grad they put in charge of ensuring that “person traffic” wasn’t congested, but holy fuck should that guy be fired and his family executed.
First, when you walk in the aforementioned plaza, the Twins pro shop (or whatever it’s called – the place where you go spend money on hats, shirts, and worthless shit) is straight ahead and to the left. The entrance is to the left of the escalators and walking ramp that get you up to the upper levels.
This design is fine, except for one thing: the fucking recipient of a Leadership Scholarship who’s been put in charge of making sure the Pro Shop isn’t overcrowded decided to place the queue to enter the pro shop in the same place as you’d wait to get onto the escalator (if you’re a GldnKnight) or walk up to the upper level (if you’re not a GldnKnight).
Yes, that seems kinda confusing, so I drew a picture. The boat represents a fuckboat of people standing around, trying to move into the stadium, while the dots represent a moderate amount of people trying to get into the pro shop and walk up the escalator. You can see me in the lower right hand corner with a gun to my head. Click to enlarge:
See what I’m saying? At all? (My handwriting blows).
The only access to the upper level on that side of the stadium is blocked by the queue for the Pro Shop. So you either had to wait 15 minutes to get upstairs, because the queue for the pro shop exacerbated the congestion in the line to get on the walking ramp or escalator (and, really, it was amazing to see how few people walked and how many waited for the escalator), or you could walk to the other side of the stadium, where this problem didn’t exist. I’m guessing this only happened Friday, because if it’s been around since Opening Day Mr. Auggie or Tommie should also be killed, along with his family.
Similarly, the same guy who fucked this up probably fucked up some of the problems with congestion in the concourses. Specifically, someone had the bright idea to place the moveable cart concession stands (you know, the ones that roll and look like carts that street vendors would serve hot dogs out of) in the narrowest part of the concourse.
This is a problem in some areas, because the narrowest part of the concourse is also where people stand to form a line to get into the bathrooms (which are very nice and would ensure a much more enjoyable banging experience than the Metrodome). And when people form a line for the bathroom AND people form a line to get food out of cart vendor man’s cart, you have a congestion problem that, again, made me want to go Natural Born Killers on the entire crowd. Again, picture:
[Note: I accidentally and regrettably left out the fuckboat of people from this prize-winning illustration, but that fuckboat would go in between the "line for dude's bathroom (on the left) and line for food court (on the right)]
But both of these problems are correctable, so long as whoever’s in charge of these minor layout details puts on their thinking cap and realizes “hey, there’s a better way to do this.” Aside from those fixable errors, the only real issues I have are that some of the concourses are too narrow (even without the layout brain farts), the walking ramps aren’t as big as they should be, and the people who scan the tickets are dummies and hold up the line. But whatever.
Overall: Yeah, there are some minor annoyances, but that’s the type of shit that happens in a new stadium. When the Twins fix that stuff, everything should work out fine.
Grade: A-.
In-Game Experience
Good: Nick Punto didn’t play, for one. That was a nice start.
I sat in Section 224, on the third base side. The seats don’t have an obstructed view in any way, and unlike in the Metrodome, you don’t have to tilt your head to see home plate. Also, from the third base side, you can see the Minneapolis skyline, which, for what is not exactly a major city, looks really nice at night.
The seats are comfortable. I heard someone say that they were small. That’s horse shit. Unless you’re a Wisconsin resident and/or some kind of seriously fat fuck, you shouldn’t have trouble fitting into them, although I can see where they may cause trouble if you’re a tall drink of water.
All of the scoreboards are great, and they have all the information you’d want. For example, the scoreboard out by the bullpen does stuff like display pitch count, which I love, because I absolutely hate having to look up a pitcher’s pitch count on my cell phone during the game because no goddamn scoreboard throughout the stadium displays it (note: I am gay for doing this, but whatever. Eat shit).
The big Twins sign in centerfield is pretty sweet, and looks great when it’s lit up at night. The fireworks are cool, if you’re into that. The announcer isn’t annoying. None of the concession workers who walk around selling food and beer are obnoxious.
Bad: Like all theme songs for professional sports teams, the “Twins Win” song (or whatever it’s called) sounds like what I imagine a partial-birth abortion sounds like, but, again, who gives a shit. No professional sports team has anything resembling a good theme song (Skol Vikings blows an AIDS patient, too), and at least the Twins song better than this.
The real problem is the outfield seats. Now, I cannot personally testify to this, as I haven’t sat in the outfield seats. But multiple people who HAVE sat in the upper levels of the outfield seats all tell the same tale: the outfield seats have seriously obstructed views.
Like, if you sit in the upper level in left field, you not only can’t see Delmon Young loaf to fly balls on the warning track, but you basically can’t see any of left field. And this is a major oversight. Because goddammit, I want to actually see Delmon Young take a ball off his forehead, or let a casual pop fly drop between him and JJ Hardy, and not just hear about it.
I know that Target Field was built on a very small plot of land, relatively speaking, but whoever designed this place needed to make sure that none of the seats had obstructed views. I have zero architectural background and can’t even pretend to know what I’m talking about in terms of better designs, but whatever needed to be done to ensure that no seats had obstructed views needed to be done. Whether that involved Wrigley Style bleachers (i.e. one level all the way around, with no upper level) or some other kind of weird set-up that my mind can’t possibly imagine, well, that needed to be done, because obstructed view seats simply shouldn’t happen when you’re building a new stadium.
Or, at the least, if you’re putting in obstructed view seats, they should be advertised as such, and you should account for them by adding more non-obstructed view seats. I’ve also heard the views in the non-outfield upper deck seats are partially obstructed, but that’s from stupid internet people, so I’m not believing that yet.
Overall: Target Field’s a pretty awesome place to watch a game. From the upper levels, even where I am, it’s not perfect, but it’s pretty solid. The obstructed view stuff is obviously a problem. But the lower level seats are unbelieveable, so they kinda make up for the other stuff. Kinda, not fully.
Grade: B+.
Summary
This ballpark really is great.
Target Field certainly has its flaws, and it will never be thought of as the best park in the country, but I can’t imagine any other new ballpark topping Pac Bell (or whatever San Francisco’s park is called nowadays). In terms of open air stadiums, Target Field has to be one of the top five newer (i.e. non-Wrigley and Fenway) stadiums. It has the cozy feel that was just a bit lacking at the Metrodome, and it has all the amenities that you’d want in a new ballpark.
Target Field is roughly 78,847 times better than watching a game at the fucking Dome. Even I can’t hate on this place very much.
Grade: A-.
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