(AJR26's Note: If you don't think this game is tits, you're a moron. Last year, on the James Harrison 100-yard INT return for a TD, Team Cardinals had to take 13 drinks of beer + one shot. Basically, they had to take 21 worth of alcohol because of one play. GOD BLESS dmk.)
It’s time for the fifth (fifth? Fuck, we’re old) annual Super Bowl drinking game. The background surrounding the game is here, in the introduction to last year’s game, which was once again a resounding success. Again, we thank the defunct Noob Sports for introducing us to this game. You people were doing the Lord’s work.
Make sure to eat a hearty meal before playing the game. And load up on whatever food your host is serving. Also, we recommend not playing this game if you have to work early Monday morning. And don’t attempt to drive home after playing. That ends poorly. Just have Chilly’s kid pick you up.
1. Get a bunch of beer and at least one bottle of liquor.
2. Divide up into teams. If you’re playing, you’re either on Team Saints or Team Colts.
3. Try to sit on the same side of the room as your team. It’s easier to talk shit that way.
4. A beer has 6-8 drinks. Adjust your casual drinking accordingly.
Take 1 drink:
- When the Colts get a 1st down.
- Every time the Saints punt the ball.
- Whenever the announcers say Indianapolis won the last Super Bowl in Miami.
- The Saints commit a 5 yard penalty.
- Any mention that Peyton Manning won the NFL MVP.
- Dallas Clark touches the ball*.
Take 2 drinks:
- If the Saints commit a 10 yard penalty.
- Any member of the Manning family who is not Peyton is shown (two drinks per Manning).
- Any reference to the Colts resting their starters instead of trying for 19-0.
- Austin Collie touches the ball*.
- The Colts use a trick play.
- Any mention that Pierre Garcon has Haitian relatives.
- Drew Brees is sacked.
Take 3 drinks:
- The Saints commit a turnover.
- The Colts kick a field goal.
- Any reference to Marvin Harrison probably murdering a guy.
- The Saints commit a 15 yard penalty.
- Curtis Painter enters the game.
- Any mention that Indianapolis is a future Super Bowl host.
- Any mention or on-screen shot of Tony Dungy.
- Peyton Manning bitches out a teammate.
- The Colts recover an onside kick.
- The Colts challenge a play and it gets overturned, or the Saints challenge a play and the play stands.
Take a shot:
- When the Colts score a touchdown.
- Indianapolis is mentioned as the home to a lot of fat white people.
- The Saints take a safety.
Take X amount of drinks:
The Saints give up a play of X yards.
X = the number of yards the Saints give up on a play over 10 yards (for instance, a play that goes for 11 yards is 1 drink, a play for 23 yards is 2 drinks, a play for 80 yards is 8 drinks... this includes punt returns, kick returns, and interception returns/fumble recoveries).
Take 1 drink:
- When the Saints get a 1st down.
- Every time the Colts punt the ball.
- Whenever an announcer talks about the Saints being a historically futile franchise.
- The Colts commit a 5 yard penalty.
- Any mention of Bourbon Street or Mardi Gras.
- Reggie Bush touches the ball*.
Take 2 drinks:
- The Colts commit a 10 yard penalty.
- Any mention that Archie Manning used to play for the Saints.
- Any reference to Hurricane Katrina.
- Jeremy Shockey touches the ball*.
- The Saints use a trick play.
- Any reference to Jonathan Vilma’s connection to Haiti.
- Peyton Manning is sacked.
Take 3 drinks:
- The Colts commit a turnover.
- The Saints kick a field goal.
- The Colts commit a 15 yard penalty.
- Mark Brunell enters the game at quarterback.
- Kim Kardashian is shown in the crowd.
- Any mention of Drew Brees’ rocky relationship with his now deceased mother.
- CBS plays the clip of Tom Benson celebrating Garrett Hartley’s missed field goal in the Saints’ Week 16 loss to the Bucs.
- Jeremy Shockey does any celebration that makes him look like a douchebag (subject to judges’ interpretation, but, really, any Shockey celebration is douchetastic).
- The Saints recover an onside kick.
- The Saints challenge a play and it gets overturned, or the Colts challenge a play and the play stands.
Take a shot:
- The Colts score a touchdown.
- New Orleans is mentioned as the home to a lot of poor black people.
- The Colts get a safety.
Take X amount of drinks when:
The Colts give up a play of X yards.
X = the number of yards the Colts give up on a play over 10 yards (for instance, a play that goes for 11 yards is 1 drink, a play for 23 yards is 2 drinks, a play for 80 yards is 8 drinks... this includes punt returns, kick returns, and interception returns/fumble recoveries).
Everybody takes one drink:
- Any discussion of the point spread.
- Any reference to Brett Favre.
- Any commercial makes any drinking game participant laugh out loud.
- Anyone compares the Haitian Earthquake to Hurricane Katrina.
- Any reference to the Pro Bowl being played in Miami.
- CBS plays Will Smith’s “Welcome to Miami” or any Pitbull song.
- Any political ad, political interview, or camera shot of a politician.
- Whenever something patriotic happens (National Anthem, a picture of our soldiers in the stands, pictures of our troops in Iraq, a fly over of any aircraft).
Everyone takes a shot:
- Anyone at your party tries to start an abortion argument after the broadcast of the Tim Tebow Pro-Life commercial.
(note: feel free to punch, kick, or otherwise bludgeon the person who started the argument. They deserve it for starting an abortion debate at a Super Bowl party)
***Attention*** Some of these rules can be combined. For instance, if there is a first down on a 15 yard pass play, you have to drink 2 drinks; 1 for the 1st down, and 1 for a 15 yard play. Or, if Manning throws an 80 yard touchdown on a flea flicker to Dallas Clark and Jim Nantz mentions that fat white people in Indianapolis are celebrating by going to Old Country Buffet... you have 2 drinks for the trick play, 1 drink for Dallas Clark touching the ball, 1 shot for the touchdown, 8 drinks for the yards given up on the play, and 1 shot for fat white people reference.
***"touches the ball” means on a reception, rush, kick return, punt return, or other football related event. If a guy “touches the ball” by having it glance off his hands on an incomplete pass, or downing a punt, or something else of that nature, you are not required to drink.