IHS Super Bowl XLIV (44) Drinking Game

(AJR26's Note: If you don't think this game is tits, you're a moron. Last year, on the James Harrison 100-yard INT return for a TD, Team Cardinals had to take 13 drinks of beer + one shot. Basically, they had to take 21 worth of alcohol because of one play. GOD BLESS dmk.)

It’s time for the fifth (fifth? Fuck, we’re old) annual Super Bowl drinking game. The background surrounding the game is here, in the introduction to last year’s game, which was once again a resounding success. Again, we thank the defunct Noob Sports for introducing us to this game. You people were doing the Lord’s work.

Make sure to eat a hearty meal before playing the game. And load up on whatever food your host is serving. Also, we recommend not playing this game if you have to work early Monday morning. And don’t attempt to drive home after playing. That ends poorly. Just have Chilly’s kid pick you up.

Rules:

1. Get a bunch of beer and at least one bottle of liquor.

2. Divide up into teams. If you’re playing, you’re either on Team Saints or Team Colts.

3. Try to sit on the same side of the room as your team. It’s easier to talk shit that way.

4. A beer has 6-8 drinks. Adjust your casual drinking accordingly.

Team Saints

Take 1 drink:

- When the Colts get a 1st down.
- Every time the Saints punt the ball.
- Whenever the announcers say Indianapolis won the last Super Bowl in Miami.
- The Saints commit a 5 yard penalty.
- Any mention that Peyton Manning won the NFL MVP.
- Dallas Clark touches the ball*.

Take 2 drinks:

- If the Saints commit a 10 yard penalty.
- Any member of the Manning family who is not Peyton is shown (two drinks per Manning).
- Any reference to the Colts resting their starters instead of trying for 19-0.
- Austin Collie touches the ball*.
- The Colts use a trick play.
- Any mention that Pierre Garcon has Haitian relatives.
- Drew Brees is sacked.

Take 3 drinks:

- The Saints commit a turnover.
- The Colts kick a field goal.
- Any reference to Marvin Harrison probably murdering a guy.
- The Saints commit a 15 yard penalty.
- Curtis Painter enters the game.
- Any mention that Indianapolis is a future Super Bowl host.
- Any mention or on-screen shot of Tony Dungy.
- Peyton Manning bitches out a teammate.
- The Colts recover an onside kick.
- The Colts challenge a play and it gets overturned, or the Saints challenge a play and the play stands.

Take a shot:

- When the Colts score a touchdown.
- Indianapolis is mentioned as the home to a lot of fat white people.
- The Saints take a safety.

Take X amount of drinks:

The Saints give up a play of X yards.

X = the number of yards the Saints give up on a play over 10 yards (for instance, a play that goes for 11 yards is 1 drink, a play for 23 yards is 2 drinks, a play for 80 yards is 8 drinks... this includes punt returns, kick returns, and interception returns/fumble recoveries).

Team Colts

Take 1 drink:

- When the Saints get a 1st down.
- Every time the Colts punt the ball.
- Whenever an announcer talks about the Saints being a historically futile franchise.
- The Colts commit a 5 yard penalty.
- Any mention of Bourbon Street or Mardi Gras.
- Reggie Bush touches the ball*.

Take 2 drinks:

- The Colts commit a 10 yard penalty.
- Any mention that Archie Manning used to play for the Saints.
- Any reference to Hurricane Katrina.
- Jeremy Shockey touches the ball*.
- The Saints use a trick play.
- Any reference to Jonathan Vilma’s connection to Haiti.
- Peyton Manning is sacked.

Take 3 drinks:

- The Colts commit a turnover.
- The Saints kick a field goal.
- The Colts commit a 15 yard penalty.
- Mark Brunell enters the game at quarterback.
- Kim Kardashian is shown in the crowd.
- Any mention of Drew Brees’ rocky relationship with his now deceased mother.
- CBS plays the clip of Tom Benson celebrating Garrett Hartley’s missed field goal in the Saints’ Week 16 loss to the Bucs.
- Jeremy Shockey does any celebration that makes him look like a douchebag (subject to judges’ interpretation, but, really, any Shockey celebration is douchetastic).
- The Saints recover an onside kick.
- The Saints challenge a play and it gets overturned, or the Colts challenge a play and the play stands.

Take a shot:

- The Colts score a touchdown.
- New Orleans is mentioned as the home to a lot of poor black people.
- The Colts get a safety.

Take X amount of drinks when:

The Colts give up a play of X yards.

X = the number of yards the Colts give up on a play over 10 yards (for instance, a play that goes for 11 yards is 1 drink, a play for 23 yards is 2 drinks, a play for 80 yards is 8 drinks... this includes punt returns, kick returns, and interception returns/fumble recoveries).

Community Drinks

Everybody takes one drink:

- Any discussion of the point spread.
- Any reference to Brett Favre.
- Any commercial makes any drinking game participant laugh out loud.
- Anyone compares the Haitian Earthquake to Hurricane Katrina.
- Any reference to the Pro Bowl being played in Miami.
- CBS plays Will Smith’s “Welcome to Miami” or any Pitbull song.
- Any political ad, political interview, or camera shot of a politician.
- Whenever something patriotic happens (National Anthem, a picture of our soldiers in the stands, pictures of our troops in Iraq, a fly over of any aircraft).

Everyone takes a shot:

- Anyone at your party tries to start an abortion argument after the broadcast of the Tim Tebow Pro-Life commercial.

(note: feel free to punch, kick, or otherwise bludgeon the person who started the argument. They deserve it for starting an abortion debate at a Super Bowl party)

***Attention*** Some of these rules can be combined. For instance, if there is a first down on a 15 yard pass play, you have to drink 2 drinks; 1 for the 1st down, and 1 for a 15 yard play. Or, if Manning throws an 80 yard touchdown on a flea flicker to Dallas Clark and Jim Nantz mentions that fat white people in Indianapolis are celebrating by going to Old Country Buffet... you have 2 drinks for the trick play, 1 drink for Dallas Clark touching the ball, 1 shot for the touchdown, 8 drinks for the yards given up on the play, and 1 shot for fat white people reference.

***"touches the ball” means on a reception, rush, kick return, punt return, or other football related event. If a guy “touches the ball” by having it glance off his hands on an incomplete pass, or downing a punt, or something else of that nature, you are not required to drink.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

This came over in an e-mail from MLB.com. Look closely at the Twins and their new digs? (I apologize for the lack of clarity)


I don't know about anyone else, but I'd hold off on making any plans to see the hometown nine during Spring Training in the Valley of the Sun.

Twins Ink Jim Thome

Over the Vikings' loss yet? No? Yeah, that's shitty. But at least Twins season is...well, not right around the corner, but getting closer.

The Twins made another upgrade today, signing DH Jim Thome to a $1.5 million deal. Thome can make up to another $700,000 in incentives.

It's a bit of weird signing for the Twins. Thome, a left-handed hitter, is strictly a DH at this point in his career. He hasn't played more than three games in the field since 2005 (including 0 in 2008 and 2009), and when the White Sox dealt him to the Dodgers last summer, he told the Dodgers he'd only play in the field in extreme emergencies. So, basically, the Twins just added a left-handed, power hitting DH. Which they already have in Jason Kubel.

If the Twins want to get Thome in the lineup, they have to either sit down Kubel or play Kubel in the field. Both of which are bad options, considering Kubel's awesome bat and awful fielding. Thome can also serve as a pinch hitter, but in the AL pinch hitters aren't used nearly as much as in the NL. Thome's not going to see a ton of at bats from pinch hitting. At least not $1.5 million worth.

But, at the same time, Thome can still rake, especially against right-handed pitching. If Gardy wants to construct an ideal lineup, he'll play Thome at DH and Kubel in left versus right-handed pitching. Kubel isn't much worse defensively than Delmon, if he's even worse at all. A lineup with Thome hitting behind Mauer, Cuddy, Morneau, and Kubel is pretty potent.

I'd rather have seen the Twins spend this $1.5 million on an infielder to compete for the 2B or 3B job, or even a reliever. That would have been a more efficient use of their payroll. Still, signing Thome at this price is an excellent idea. He makes the Twins a better team than they were yesterday.

After the Thome signing and the signing of arbitration-eligible players, the Twins' payroll is projected to be about $90 million. If anyone ever calls the Twins cheap again, feel free to punch them in the dick.

Purple Haze

Today sucked.

Like many of you Vikings' fans, it took a little longer for me to fall asleep last night and even longer to roll out of bed this morning. And now nearly 24 hours after Garrett Hartley's 40-yard boot split the uprights at the Superdome, I have taken a step back to reflect on this season and what it meant to the Vikings and the state of Minnesota.

Not shit. That's what.

On August 18th, our former arch-enemy became one of our own. Brett Favre came to town as the missing piece on a 10-6 team which won the NFC North in 2008. To a man, I was not happy about this development. But I figured, if the sole reason (obviously wasn't) for #4 coming to Minnesota was to deliver this franchise, this state, these fans a Super Bowl victory then I was on board.

Well, he failed. And they failed. Plain and simple.


In the playoffs, there are no silver linings or moral victories. If you believe there are, then you are likely the same person that thinks Joe Nathan is a post-season buzzsaw. To me, the bottom line is that we exited the postseason in the same fashion as a season ago: as losers. I could care less that we won 13 games or that we were within three points of a Super Bowl berth. Ask dmk if he took any solace in the fact that the Bills only lost by one in Super Bowl XXV. We've been there before in 1987 and 1998. We've also been shitkicked in the same game at the Meadowlands and you know what, getting beat 41-0 feels better than knowing, KNOWING, we should be on the field in Miami in two weeks had one mistake not been made (you choose the mishap, mine is the penalty on Tahi/Childress/Bevell). But that's sports and sometimes, crazy, inexplicable events happen. It just seems like many of those events seem to occur when the Purple are involved.

But why Vikings fans, bloggers, and bandwagon members are so many of you playing the "Oh we had a great season, thanks Brett for everything you're the best!" card when WE PISSED THE GAME AWAY? AGAIN. SHORT OF THE SUPERBOWL. HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT HE WAS OUR RIVAL FOR OVER 15 YEARS AND CAME BACK TO SPITE HIS FORMER TEAM??? Get fucked. Especially you Michael Rand. IHS puts your pathetic blogging to shame and you deserve to take a crowbar to the grill to get that goddamn smirk off your face. So don't tell me how much fun it was to watch #4 run this offense or how cool it was that we stomped the Cowboys in the Divisional Round, because the fact is that I have still never witnessed a Vikings team make the Super Bowl in four chances.





But the real reason this hurts as much as Darrin Nelson's endzone drop at RFK or Gary Anderson's missed field goal at the Dome is because this team's window to qualify for the Big Game is closing. In the current era of the NFL, continued success is tough to come by and parity is the name of the game. Unlike any other sport, it is a tough challenge to field a winning team year after year. Just look at the elite players with injuries that could have an effect on our defense in 2010...nothing is guaranteed. Nothing.

Prior to the 2008 season, dmk and myself had a conversation about how many years this team had to win a Super Bowl with Adrian Peterson and their elite defense. The consensus was three years, mostly because of the age of veterans like Pat Williams, Antoine Winfield, and Steve Hutchinson. Well, 2010 will be the third and possibly final year, and if Brett Favre doesn't return our window will be all but closed with Sage or T-Jack calling the signals. If that happens, then I'll be forced to look ahead eleven years to 2020, when the Vikings will some how find another way to fall in what will then be a vicious 44-year cycle of heartbreak.

VIKING FAIL

If we're placing blame for this loss, we can look at, in no particular order:

Adrian Peterson: Three fucking fumbles? Purple Jesus really does have holes in his hands like real Jesus. If you're wondering why the Vikes couldn't commit to running the football, look no further than this asshole (and Percy Harvin, who managed to fumble the ball on consecutive plays after being put in the game at running back). However, Peterson did break off some big runs otherwise, so his mistakes were kinda sorta not really forgivable.

The Offensive Line: I've had better protection when eschewing a condom and wrapping my dick in Saran-Wrap than Brett Favre had tonight. If there's one area of the offense that needs to be overhauled in the offseason, it's the left side of the line. Bryant McKinnie being named to the Pro Bowl doesn't mean he's good. Hell, Brett Favre made the Pro Bowl as a Jet last season, and he was fucking awful in the second half of the 2008 season (just like McKinnie! how convenient!).

Pants on the Ground Guy: Only true, lofty assholes watch American Idol.

Brad Childress: Holy fuck, you outdid yourself with that clock management. Hey, let's let 30 seconds run off the clock so my kicker can attempt a 50 yard field goal! That's makeable! Moron.

The Dipshits Responsible for the 12 Men in the Huddle Call: I don't know if Chilly or Bevell sent on 12 men, or if some jerkoff just got confused and ran into the huddle without them knowing. But Christ on a bicycle, that can't happen, especially coming off a timeout.

Brett Favre: Hey, I have a quandary: I can either pick up 7-10 yards running the football, slide, and put my team in position to kick a game winning field goal, or I can throw back across my body and try to force the ball to a covered receiver. LET'S HAVE SOME FUN OUT THERE, WHADDYA SAY!



Jared Allen: Someone want to put his face on a milk carton? Where the fuck was he today?

The Refs: No. You cannot blame the refs. Blaming the refs is always fucking lame and is the type of thing sports talk radio hosts do to get their viewers riled up. You sound like a fucking third grader when you blame refs for a loss in a game where your team had five goddamn turnovers and actually had fewer penalties than the opposition. Sure, the refs made some questionable calls in overtime that went against the Vikings, but they weren't exactly perfect in regulation. If T-Jack, and not Brett Favre, is quarterbacking the Vikings, Anthony Hargrove isn't called for roughing the passer and the Vikes don't have a chance to extend that scoring drive. And that's just the most blatant example. I have more.

Finally, as much as I enjoyed seeing Brett Favre piss away another meaningful game with the poor decision making that's plagued him throughout the latter portion of his career, I feel bad for some Vikings fans. Because, as a Bills fan, I know how much it sucks to watch your team fail in this memorable of a fashion. Although I haven't experienced the Bills doing this in a game with playoff implications since 2004.

Those Vikings fans who still hated Brett Favre but managed to repress that hate in order to root for your favorite team, you have my sympathy. It sucks. I'm sorry. Your first drink is on me.

Those Vikings fans who adopted Brett as one of your own, and did shit like buy his jersey, you can all get fucked and you deserve all the pain you may have suffered today. That's what you get for selling your soul. Shitheads.

But hey: at least we have an offseason of "will he or won't he retire" to look forward to!

ht: ksk for pic and gif

(No Title)

Ouch.

The Conference Championship Games & That Guy

First, I'll present "That Guy" courtesy of the Startribune and wonder where in the hell these people come from?

Seriously though....and now onto the Conference Championships.

Last week:

AJR26: 2-2 (4-4 in playoffs)

Formula (w/last week's column): 2-2 (4-4)

dmk: 3-1 (3-5)

Simmons: 3-1 (3-5)

To refresh your memory, in the Conference Championships and Super Bowl, the formulated difference between the two teams is taken as the expect margin of victory and/or spread for the contest. Once again, if you're running to the Bellagio and placing millions of dollars worth of bets on the advise of dmk, Bill Simmons, or myself, then I hope you play Russian Roulette by yourself. And lose (or win depending on which way you look at it).

AFC Championship: #5 New York Jets at #1 Indianapolis Colts

Formula Results -

1st Round: NYJ by 2

2nd Round: EVEN

3rd Round: IND by 1

Spread Open: -7.5

Friday's Spread: -8

To me, this game is blatantly obvious. Almost too obvious. In my mind, there is no way the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets are going to go back into Indianapolis and beat the Colts. Indianapolis has had way too much backlash against them after pulling their starters up 15-10 in the third quarter in Week 16 against the Jets and they will be primed to impale the team that shouldn't even be in the playoffs. Look for the game to play out much like last week's Ravens-Colts, with Manning and Co. bringing home the bacon.

AJR26's Pick: Colts 23 Jets 10

NFC Championship: #2 Minnesota Vikings at #1 New Orleans Saints

Formula Results -

1st Round: MIN by 3
2nd Round: MIN by 1
3rd Round: NO by 1
Spread Open: -4.5
Friday's Spread: -3.5

And now, we get to this. A game which could end a lifetime of disappointment for the Aints or a generation of heartbreak for the Vikings. I am sure everyone is sick and tired of people and their prediction/keys to the game, but I thought I'd throw in my two cents. Also, if you want insight into how a serial killer would predict this game, then just read this.

Basically, there are three keys and only three keys to this game. If the Vikings are able to run the football, sack Drew Brees and protect Brett Favre, then they will be joining me in Miami. In their last five road games (1-4 record), the Vikes have rushed for only 85.2 yards per game, while their opponents have run for over 100 yards at 107.8 per contest. Contrast that to the rest of the season (which the Purple had an 11-0 record), and you'll see that the Vikings outrushed their opponents by almost 60 yards a game. 60! I'd say that's a pretty large key to winning this game, not to mention the fact that a strong ground game will control the clock and keep the Aints offense off the field.


The other two keys focus on sacks, as the Vikes have had issues getting to the quarterback and protecting its own in the last four road games. In the eleven victories, Minnesota has averaged 3.1 sacks per game while only allowing 1.3, but in the last five road contests, that flips with opponents getting 3 sacks a game and the Vikings only notching 2.8. This is not anything new in terms of analysis, but it just reinforces the importance of both the offensive and defensive lines in this afternoon's game.

So, to recap, Minnesota must:
1.) Rush for 120-140 yards
2.) Sack Drew Brees four times
3.) Not allow more than two sacks by the Saints

Can they do this? I think so. Entering the playoffs, I thought the two biggest hurdles to the Super Bowl were Philly and Dallas. They have both been disposed of, so I think the Vikes will be punching their ticket to the Super Bowl around 8:45 p.m. this evening.

AJR26's Pick: Vikings 30 Saints 27...yes I just went THERE with the final score

BtC: T-Jack's Revenge

Titties. It’s time for the best day of the football season. Championship Sunday features what should be two good matchups, and the Super Bowl has the potential to be one of the most hyped Super Bowls since….well, since the 2007 Pats-Giants game. But if you go back to before that Pats-Giants game, this year’s Super Bowl would probably have the biggest buzz factor since the Packers-Broncos Super Bowl 32 matchup.

That is, if the NFL get its wish.

If the NFL’s ranking potential Super Bowl matchups with regard to their preference, the NFL’s rankings go:

1. Vikings-Colts
2. Vikings-Jets
3. Saints-Colts
94. Saints-Jets

And, really, everything after Vikings-Colts is kind of a blah matchup from the NFL’s perspective. Vikings-Colts features two of the league’s highest profile players, albeit with teams from smaller markets. Yes, everyone who isn’t a Colts or Vikings fan will be sick of hearing about the Favre-Manning showdown by Tuesday of Super Bowl week. But even outside of Favre and Manning, this game has some star power in Adrian Peterson, Jared Allen, and Visanthe Shiancoe’s pocket python. Allen’s also outspoken enough to make media day interesting, and there’s the human interest story of Pierre Garcon’s ties to Haiti. Plus, Brad Childress in the Super Bowl!

Vikings-Jets would be intriguing for some because of the FAVRE REVENGE TOUR bullshit, and the buildup to the game would feature Rex Ryan saying stupid things, but the Jets aren’t a fun team to watch. They grind out 17-14 wins by not making mistakes and playing good defense. Yes, it’s fundamentally sound football that die hard fans can appreciate, but for the Super Bowl the NFL wants to attract the casual fan. And that casual fan likes to see a lot of points scored.

Saints-Colts would be inundated with stories about how Peyton Manning grew up in the Bayou and how Archie Manning used to play for the Saints. Plus, we’ll probably hear the WHO DAT shit a lot. Shoot me in the fucking face. However, in a Saints-Colts matchup we’d at least have the possibility of some dipshit reporter asking Jonathan Vilma or Pierre Garcon how the Haitian Devastation compares to the New Orleans Devastation, which would be a fun exchange. If we’re lucky, the same reporter will ask Drew Brees about his relationship with his Mom.

(On a side note, Haitian Devastation would be a hell of a name for a big, bruising running back, like how Nigerian Nightmare was a kickass name for Christian Okoye. Brandon Jacobs should become Haitian in the offseason.)

Saints-Jets would be a good strategic matchup of the Saints offense versus the Jets defense, but the matchup lacks any sex appeal. So that’s probably the matchup we’ll get, because shit never works out the way it should. Just look at how the Falcons fucked up a potential Vikings-Broncos Super Bowl 33.

Anyway, on to the games.

New York Jets at Indianapolis Colts:

Opening Line: Indianapolis -7.5

The Game Turns On: New York’s ability to run the football. For the Jets to win, they need to follow the formula they used last week: keep the game close, don’t make any mistakes, and wear down the opposition in the second half. Peyton Manning and the Colts are even less prone to mistakes than San Diego, so it’s even more imperative this week that New York controls the clock and minimizes Mark Sanchez’s role.

If New York wins the turnover, field position, and time of possession battles, they’ll win on Sunday. Having a strong running game is vital to winning the turnover and time of possession battles.

X Factor: Donald Brown and Joseph Addai. Just as LaDanian Tomlinson and Darren Sproles were the keys for the Chargers’ last week, Brown and Addai are the keys for the Colts this week. The Jets’ weakness on defense is stopping the run, while they excel at stopping the pass. Indianapolis won’t be able to throw the ball up and down the field on the Jets – they’ll probably experience some success but, much like the Chargers last week, will also need to run the ball to set up makeable third downs. San Diego never established the run, and that failure to establish a running game, along with Nate Kaeding, cost them the game. If Indy can’t run the ball on the Jets, they could experience the same fate as San Diego.

How It Should Play Out: A lot like last week’s Jets-Chargers game, only without Indianapolis missing field goals left and right. The game will probably be close the whole way. Indianapolis will probably be able to limit New York’s offense, but won’t do all that much with their own offense. But Peyton Manning’s a little better than Philip Rivers at avoiding turnovers, so New York won’t be able to get a cheap score or two off an interception. And Matt Stover’s a better kicker than Nate Kaeding.

Quick Pick: Indianapolis 19, New York 13.

Minnesota Vikings at New Orleans Saints:

Opening Line: New Orleans -3.5.

The Game Turns On: Minnesota’s ability to pressure Drew Brees. If the Vikes’ defensive line plays like they did last week, Minnesota’s going to Miami for the Super Bowl. If Brees has as much time to throw as he did against the Cardinals’, the Vikings won’t be able to keep pace with the Saints.

X Factor: Minnesota’s special teams. If they’re going to win, Minnesota needs to contain Reggie Bush on punt returns and get a big return or two out of Percy Harvin. A big special teams play could determine this game, and Minnesota has the league’s best special teams.

Bonus X Factor: Visanthe Shiancoe. New Orleans can’t defend tight ends for shit. Gregg Williams, a douchebag with an extra G in his name, is likely to focus his secondary on stopping Sidney Rice. Shiancoe needs to make a big play or two early in the game so that Williams can’t just double cover or bracket Rice and take him out of the game.

How It Will Play Out: The Vikings win the coin toss and elect to receive. On the first play from scrimmage, Adrian Peterson fumbles, New Orleans recovers, and the Saints punch in a touchdown to take an early 7-0 lead.

On the ensuing possession, Brett Favre throws a ball just out of the reach of Visanthe Shiancoe. Darren Sharper picks off Favre’s errant pass and takes the ball back into Viking territory. Drew Brees finds Marques Colston running free in the secondary and the Saints take a 14-0 lead. On the next possession, the Vikes go three and out and the Saints march down the field without much resistance. Eight minutes into the game, New Orleans has a 21-0 lead.

The Vikes get the ball back, but Brett forces a ball into double coverage and the ball is picked off. New Orleans capitalizes on Favre’s mistake and takes a 28-0 lead. Minnesota and New Orleans trade punts, and at the end of the first quarter, Minnesota is down 28-0. At this point, Vikings fans are drumming up fond memories of Minnesota’s last NFC championship game appearance.

On the opening play of the second quarter, Favre is hit as he throws and the ball gets picked off for Favre’s third INT of the day. New Orleans can’t punch in a touchdown, but they do get three points off the turnover and go up 31-0.

On the next possession, Will Smith beats Bryant McKinnie, sacks Favre, and forces a fumble that’s recovered by the Saints. In the process, Smith breaks Favre’s leg in a Theismann-esque fashion, topping off the sack by yelling WELCOME TO EARFF in the face of Favre while Brett's screaming in agony. The play ends up being the last of Favre’s career.

Brett finishes his last game in the NFL with the following stat line: 1-9 for 6 yards, 3 INTs, and one fumble. I rejoice.

After a Reggie Bush touchdown run puts New Orleans up 38-0, Tarvaris Jackson comes on for the Vikings with 8 minutes remaining in the second quarter. With a fresh, mobile QB that can combat the Saints’ pass rush, the Vikings’ offense is revitalized. After a return from Percy Harvin out to the Minnesota 40, Minnesota puts together a long drive that Adrian Peterson finishes with an 11 yard touchdown run. Minnesota stops New Orleans to end the half and heads to the locker room down 38-7, but with some momentum.

In the second half, Jackson shows all the potential that, up to this point, only Brad Childress saw in him. On New Orleans’ next two offensive possessions, Minnesota’s defensive line pressures Drew Brees into two turnovers, one fumble caused by Jared Allen and one interception from Antoine Winfield. Jackson throws three touchdowns in the third quarter, two to Sidney Rice and one to Percy Harvin, to bring the Vikings within 38-28. New Orleans manages a field goal to close the third quarter, and we head to the fourth quarter with the score New Orleans 41, Minnesota 28.

On the opening drive of the fourth quarter, Adrian Peterson carries the Vikings. Peterson goes for 64 yards on 7 carries, and Jackson goes 2-2 for 16 yards, including a key third down conversion to Shiancoe. Peterson caps the drive with a 3 yard touchdown plunge. Minnesota is within 6 and down 41-35 with 11 minutes remaining.

After the teams trade punts, New Orleans gets the ball back with 6 minutes left in the game and a 41-35 lead. New Orleans burns about four minutes off the clock, but Minnesota forces a punt after stopping the Saints on third down from midfield.

Tarvaris Jackson and the Vikes take over at their own 13 with 1:51 remaining and one timeout. Jackson, playing out of his mind, overcomes incompletions on the first two plays of the drive and hits Sidney Rice for a 22 yard gain to bring Minnesota out to their own 35 with 1:35 remaining. Minnesota runs a screen to Peterson on first down, and AP takes the ball into New Orleans’ territory. Jackson spikes the ball on first down.

With 47 seconds remaining, Minnesota has second and 10 from the New Orleans 44. Jackson throws incomplete on second down, but on third down finds Visanthe Shiancoe streaking through the middle of the New Orleans secondary. Shiancoe takes the ball down to the Saints’ 21, but after a bit of Brad Childress' trademarked clock mismanagement, the Vikings only have 22 seconds remaining and one timeout.

On first down, Jackson scrambles to the New Orleans 9, but the Vikes are forced to use their last timeout with 14 seconds remaining, because Jackson is an asshole who fails to get out of bounds. On first down, Jackson is forced to throw the ball away. 9 seconds remain. On second down, Jackson picks up three yards, but only four seconds remain.

On third down from the six yard line, Jackson is forced to his right. He eludes the rush, scrambles back to his left, and throws to a covered Sidney Rice in the back of the end zone. Rice makes a play that will be remembered in the Twin Cities forever, outleaping the 5’9 Jabari Greer and getting both feet down inbounds with no time left on the clock. Ryan Longwell converts the extra point.

After staging the biggest comeback in NFL history behind the arm and legs of Tarvaris Jackson, Minnesota wins 42-41.

Jackson finishes the game 19-27 for 274 yards and four touchdowns, along with 42 yards rushing on 5 carries. Peterson finishes with 26 carries for 136 yards and two touchdowns. Rice finishes with 11 receptions for 143 yards and three touchdowns. Brett Favre never plays in the NFL again.

During the postgame celebration, Jared Allen gets clocked in the face and breaks his jaw. Allen’s still able to play in the Super Bowl, but he’s forced to have his jaw wired shut and isn’t available to speak during Super Bowl Media Week. Again, I rejoice.

The real winner in this scenario? America.

Not So Quick Pick: Minnesota 42, New Orleans 41.

I'm Giving Up the NFL

It's bad that The Fuckface is about to lead the Vikings to the Super Bowl. That alone is almost enough for me to take a leave of absence from the NFL. But in true "kick the homeless guy while he's down" fashion, this report was issued today:

The Buffalo Bills secretly interviewed long-time coach Chan Gailey last week and a source close to Gailey said the coach is slated to meet with owner Ralph Wilson and GM Buddy Nix sometime again Monday, FOXSports.com has learned. As long as talks don’t break down, Gailey is expected to be hired as the Bills head coach within the next 24-48 hours.

And with that, it's off to the bar for paint thinner-vodka shots. Maybe I'll cap off the night by letting Magic Johnson rape me. I bet he's a cuddler - the type of guy who lives dangerously while still making you feel safe. Surely, he'll be able to AID the healing process and make everything better.

A Model of Consistency?

For what it's worth, the Minnesota Vikings are now the only team to appear in a conference championship game in every decade since 1960. For those of you math wizards, that's six decades if you include the 2010's (?) and the ticket which was punched with the 34-3 asswhooping of the 'Boys. In fact, the only other team with a chance to equal that feat in the next nine years is the Oakland Raiders.

Overall, the Vikings have gone to eight previous NFC Championship game, compiling a 4-4 record. They have not won the conference title since 1976.

Oh, and Pat Williams is still a badass from da backwoods:

"We don't care what Keith Brooking says," Williams said. "He was about
to get his ass whupped on our sideline over there. It don't matter. Nobody said
anything when they blew out the Eagles [the past two weeks].
"It's the playoffs. It ain't no regular-season game. If you lose, you go home. We take no pity on them. Do they expect us to? I don't care about no Brooking. He can say whatever he wants to say."

BtC: Your 2009-10 NFC Champion Minnesota Vikings

Last week, I promised to explain why the Vikings will win the NFC. As long as ’99 Warner doesn’t show up throughout the rest of the playoffs, Minnesota will win the NFC. Here’s why:

The Vikings Throw the Shit Out of the Football

Minnesota’s thrown the ball well all year. Brett Favre had a rough three game stretch against Arizona, Cincinnati, and Carolina, but he righted the ship (note: apparently that's proper English. It doesn't seem like it should be, but it is) in the last two games of the regular season against Chicago and the Giants, tempering worries about Favre breaking down at the end of the season.

Plus, Favre’s had a week to rest and there’s no reason to believe he’s banged up to the point where it’s going to affect him this week. Sidney Rice’s emergence has given Favre a legitimate #1 WR in the passing game, and Visanthe Shiancoe is a decent receiving tight end. Shiancoe should, at the least, have opportunities this week against a Dallas secondary that doesn’t defend tight ends well.

If Percy Harvin or the other Vikings’ wide receivers can find ways to get open, Minnesota will have the horses to defeat teams through the air, if they can protect Favre. Of course, the protection is big if, given the way Steve Hutchinson and Bryant McKinnie have played in the second half.

Brett Favre

Yes, I hate this asshole, and I hope someone murders him in an excessively grisly manner and eats his corpse Jeffrey Dahmer-style. I’ll take this opportunity to once again remind you of the breaking point where I came to this stage of Favre-hate: when Favre decided to contact teams on the Packers’ schedule and inform them of the Packers’ audibles and such. That’s Grade A douchebaggery worthy of having your body parts frozen and eaten.

But Favre’s also had a phenomenal season, and he’s been here before. Sure, there’s a chance Favre shits the bed like he did in the 2008 NFC Title Game against the Giants, but Favre’s also not going to be playing outdoors for the rest of the postseason. At this point in his career, Favre in the elements is a bad thing. Fortunately for Brett, any potential opponents in the NFC field play in a dome.

If Favre had to go outdoors to some place like Green Bay or Chicago, I’d be much less confident in him this postseason. But with Favre playing indoors, I expect him to continue the stellar play he’s put forth during the regular season.

Adrian Peterson

Minnesota hasn’t run the ball all that well this year. But you can blame the offensive line for that. Peterson is still one of the NFL’s best backs. And even with his fumbling problems, Peterson’s the best running back left in the NFC field.

If Minnesota throws the ball as well as they have all year, Peterson shouldn’t face eight man fronts and should have the opportunity to break off some big gains. If the Vikings can run the ball, they'll put up over 25 points per game and end up booking a trip to Miami to party with AJR.

Sidney Rice


Rice is going to be facing some mediocre secondaries this postseason. All season, Rice has proven he’s one of the league's best receivers. Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie could potentially limit Rice, but in a matchup with the Cowboys or Saints, Rice should have no trouble getting open.

Special Teams

In the last year, Minnesota’s gone from having the league’s worst special teams to one of the better units in the NFC. Percy Harvin’s been a big reason for this improvement. Harvin’s ability in the return game has given Minnesota’s offense short fields to work with.

But Harvin’s not the only reason Minnesota’s special teams have improved. The kickoff and punt teams have improved their coverage as well. In the playoffs, when field position and one or two big plays on special teams can determine the outcome of a game, Minnesota will have a pretty significant advantage over Dallas, New Orleans, and Arizona.

Run Defense

Losing E.J. Henderson’s a big blow to the defense, but the Williams Wall is still intact. Prior to losing Henderson, Minnesota had one of the league’s better run defenses. Sure, without Henderson the run defense isn't as good. But outside of Dallas, Minnesota’s not facing any teams that can run the ball all that well. And even Dallas has issues, now that Marion Barber’s banged up.

If Barber can’t play, or isn’t as effective, Dallas’ advantage running the ball on Minnesota goes out the window. New Orleans and Arizona don't have a matchup advantage running the ball against a Henderson-less Vikings defense. Considering the matchups, Minnesota's run defense should still be good enough to get them through the NFC bracket.

Jared Allen and the Pass Rush

Minnesota’s secondary is bad. There’s no questioning that. But Minnesota has one of the league’s premier pass rushers in Allen (who is also a fucking toolbox, as his tribal armband tat in the picture to the right illustrates, but the full extent of his toolishness is another post entirely).

Allen and the rest of the Vikings defensive line can make up for the shittiness in the secondary with a good pass rush (think of the Giants' Super Bowl run two years ago). Allen and the pass rush are probably the most critical part of a Vikings’ playoff run; without a good pass rush, Tony Romo, Kurt Warner, and Drew Brees will have time to pick apart the Vikes’ secondary. But with some pressure on the opposing quarterbacks, the Vikes should be able to force a few turnovers or, at the least, limit opposing offenses enough to win a few high scoring games.

Intangible Factors

I don’t really believe in teams rallying around the “nobody believes in us” cry and other similar intangible bullshit, but some people do. And if you do, you have to like the Vikings this postseason.

Most of the national media is expecting the Vikes to bow out in the Divisional round, largely because of how well Dallas has played over the last month. If teams actually get motivation from that stuff, and that motivation leads to a better performance on the field, Minnesota’s primed to make a Super Bowl run.

Also, I fucking HATE this team. Really, truly hate them. And lately teams I hate have gone on extended runs to a championship or near championship. A Vikings run would actually be worse for me than Gator football’s dominance over the past five years. Sure, Tim Tebow and his crew are fucking annoying and I also hope they’re all tortured, maimed, and brutally murdered and their families are never able to locate their bodies to give them a proper Christian burial. But most Gator fans also possess a UF diploma, which is worth about as much as the disregarded foreskin of the babies Tim Tebow circumcises. So their team may win on the field, but those assholes still lose at life, which comforts me greatly.

But if the Vikings win? Well, goddammit, there ARE Vikings fans who do something productive with their lives, so I won’t be able to hold that against them. And of course, all Vikings fans will turn into insufferable asstards upon a Super Bowl win, which will be inconvenient for me and affect my daily life (example: if the Vikings win, there's no fucking way I'll be able to stomach the 93X morning show ever again, which will suck, because Dave Ryan's morning show is like listening to a late-term abortion). And, worst of all a Vikings Super Bowl win means Minnesota may throw a Brett Favre day, or some other retarded celebration for Favre that will probably force me to stop paying taxes out of anger, with the outside possibility I strap 50 pounds of C4 to my body while attending said celebration. GODDAMMIT, DOES NO ONE REMEMBER THAT THIS ASSHOLE USED TO BE THE BANE OF YOUR SPORTS FAN EXISTENCE. STOP ADOPTING HIM AS ONE OF YOUR OWN, YOU FUCKING COCKSLOTS.

Of course, there’s reason to believe the Vikings don’t win the NFC. Minnesota doesn’t run the ball that well, even with Adrian Peterson. And the offensive line is in fucking shambles and can’t pass protect an immobile QB. And the secondary sucks. And they’re coached by Brad Childress, which may turn out to be the most damning factor.

But every team left in the postseason has holes. Minnesota’s holes aren’t as big as those of the Cowboys, who have issues with their coaching, pass defense, special teams, receivers not named Miles Austin, running backs if Marion Barber’s dinged up, and Tony Romo’s ability to play in big games (the playoff win last week doesn’t convince me). New Orleans hasn’t been the same dominant force on offense as they were in the first half of the season, they still can’t run the ball particularly well, their secondary is atrocious, and their special teams are subpar. Arizona’s defense is, at best, average, their special teams also aren’t great, and their running game isn’t going to win them games.

Like every other team in the NFC field, Minnesota could lose to any team left in the postseason. But the Vikings are very well equipped to make a deep run; in fact, I'd argue they're the team best equipped to make a deep postseason run and challenge the AFC Champion. If the pass rush is as good as it can be, Minnesota should have the pass offense and pass defense to win the NFC – and, I remind you, pass offense and pass defense have the strongest correlation with winning in the NFL playoffs. The special teams should also give Minnesota the boost to win the close games, and Adrian Peterson’s as good of a “closer” at running back as a team can hope for.

I’m not completely convinced Minnesota wins the NFC. I wouldn’t bet significant money on them. But if someone is holding a gun to my head and saying “pick the NFC winner or I FUCKING KILL YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY,” I’m taking the Vikings. They’re the most complete team left in the postseason. If Childress doesn’t fuck this up – and, let’s be honest, that’s probably the biggest worry – the Vikings should meet the Colts or Chargers in the Super Bowl. And lose in a spectacularly agonizing fashion.

child suicide bomber pic via