Sadly, the liquor store was out of OE. High Gravity Steel Reserve should suffice.That picture you see above is what my entire draft day enjoyment will turn on: Tim Tebow not landing in Buffalo (and me not drinking that 40 to numb the pain).
From all the rumors (that's just an example, more exist) surrounding the Bills, Tebow's their QB of choice in this draft (even over Bradford and Clausen, which should tell you all that you need to know about their front office's ability to evaluate talent). It's just a question of whether the Bills reach for him at #9, or trade back into the first round to get him.
And when it happens, my reaction will be to bitch, moan, complain, threaten to abandon them, and then, eventually, bend over and take it. Just like your sister does.
But if, miraculously, Tebow is selected by any of the 31 other teams in the NFL, this will be a successful day. If ol' Jesusfreak is selected by the Vikings, well, today will be a treeeeeeeeeeeemendous day.
Anyway, I'll be back around 6:30 to get this thing going. In the meantime, some final mocks for you to enjoy:
Rick Gosselin
Peter King
Don Banks
National Football Post
Bill Simmons (ugh)
Draft Countdown
Walter Football (double ugh)
Some of those mocks have the Vikings selecting Jimmy Clausen, which should make all of you happy. Think of Clausen as a non-Christian, douchier version of Philip Rivers. But some of those mocks also have the Vikes taking Tebow, which would be a very Childress and Spielman-like pick.
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Please follow Todd McShayved on Twitter tonight. This fake twitter is no Gary J Busey, but it's pretty good nonetheless.
The Vikings are discussing a trade for Albert Haynesworth. Hey, one way to address a deficiency in the secondary is to help your pass rush. Haynesworth may do that, although I wonder who is the odd man out between Haynesworth and the Williams Wall.
Tebow may be a Bronco. Maybe. Please?
The Browns are going to offer just about every pick in their draft for Bradford. Why wouldn't the Rams do this? They can trade down, accumulate a bunch of picks, still grab a franchise QB like Clausen (whose arm strength issues would be helped by playing in a dome) and add more talent to their roster.
It's about 5:45 Central time. I'm here for good.
Two reports on the Vikings. First, Haynesworth won't be a Viking. Second, the Vikes won't select a QB in the first round. They should address the secondary or offensive line. But they'll probably take, like, a RB.
Wanna kill the remaining time before the draft? Drew wrote a Draft Day Jamboroo. If you like things that are awesome, you should read it.
Jimmy Clausen gets to spend draft day with Erin Andrews. Okay. Now I kinda hate him.
Oh, and not that speaking ability has any bearing on future NFL success, Clausen's about 87 times more articulate than Tebow. Tebow sounds like a 7th grader giving an acceptance speech for winning a spelling bee.
I like Colt McCoy. I'm not sure he'll be a good NFL QB, but he has a gorgeous wife-to-be, proposed to her in a kind of cool way, and doesn't like Tim Tebow. Again, he's a guy I can root for.
This introduction ceremony is fucking stupid. Draft day greats? No, they're on-field greats. Ryan Leaf is a draft day great. Jamarcus Russell is a draft day great. Tony Mandarich is a draft day great. Akili Smith is a draft day great. Drew Bress, Jim Brown, and all these other guys are actual NFL greats.
Also, I love the Jets fans for booing Marino. That's fucking awesome.
John Randle was an UNDRAFTED FREE AGENT. Meaning he wasn't even drafted. I shouldn't care about this shit, but that would seem to mean he is NOT a draft day great.
Oh, and it's nice to see Jarrett Payton is still alive. I like that guy, and not just because our friend Rick's brother once knocked him out.
Chances Lawrence Taylor is high? I'll put them at 45%. I feel that's conservative.
Why the hell is Jahvid Best at the draft? He's got the best suit on, but still.
And Lamar Houston wins the award for "suit that makes you look like a defendant."
Axe commercials? How have they not signed up Jimmy Clausen to endorse their products. He's fucking perfect for it.
And that Madden '11 commercial is the quintessential example of why Drew Brees is awesome and wrecks every other NFL player's shit. He's not afraid to make fun of himself, and his infant son, and his infant son's headphones. God, he's, like, the exact opposite of, I dunno, some NFL QB without a sense of humor. Like Jay Cutler.
Tom Jackson has a nice tie. He's tied it in a shitty knot, but it's a tie that I'd wear.
Draft Begins
Roger Goodell runs up to begin this shitshow. I could write 8,000 words on this, but I'll keep it short: FUCK Roger Goodell and his arbitrary system of justice. Hey, Rog, this is real easy. If you're going to ignore America's criminal justice sytem, and you think Roethlisberger actually rapes girls, you should probably suspend him for more than 6 games. Because rape's alot more serious than, like, what Chris Henry did (not die - his criminal stuff). And if you think Roethlisberger didn't rape anyone, why the fuck are you suspending him? For banging a young girl in a bar, and a girl who looks like a horse in Vegas? You know how many NFL players have probably fucked a girl in a bar bathroom? Yet, some girl makes a complaint and later retracts, you're now suspending Ben Roethlisberger, because he banged a crazy girl? That's worth a 6 game suspension?
Oh, and for the record, I think Ben's probably a fucking rapist.
Sam Bradford's on the phone, confirming what everyone already knows. He's going to St. Louis.
St. Louis Rams select Sam Bradford
Smart. He's a pretty good prospect, the Rams need a QB, and with the money involved with a #1 pick, a QB probably makes the most financial sense.
Mike Mayock's final mock draft is out. The only shocker he has is Buffalo taking C.J. Spiller.
If I'm the Lions here, I'd take Russell Okung instead of Suh, because a LT to protect Stafford is more important than a DT. But Suh won't be a bad pick when it's made.
Detroit Lions select Ndamukong Suh
No surprises thus far. Until we get past the Bucs pick, everything should be pretty much chalk.
For all the talk about Suh being the "safe" pick, people seem to forget about his knee issues. Sure, there's no such thing as a perfect prospect, and Suh was dominant at Nebraska, but his knee issues were pretty substantial.
Anyway, the Bucs are going to pick Gerald McCoy here. As well they should - they have a glaring need at DT, and McCoy's a perfect fit as a 4-3 DT. But there's no real suspense yet.
Tampa Bay Bucs select Gerald McCoy
Cute story about McCoy and his mom. I guess.
Alrighty, now that that's out of the way, we have some intrigue. Washington is up next, and they have three primary weaknesses: OT, S, and WR. No WR is worth the #4 selection. Eric Berry could go to Washington, but at the same time - do you pass up a LT for a S? Okung and Trent Williams could be the LT selections. Williams is a better fit for Shanny's offense, but Okung's the better player.
I like how Steve Young is speculating that (1) Shanny had a conversation with McNabb about McNabb having MVP potential and (2) that the Redskins organization is fired up about the conversation. So, Young's speculating about the Redskins being fired up about a conversation that's purely speculative.
Oh God. If the Redskins were to STILL take Jimmy Clausen, that would be amazing. Amazing fail, no matter how much I like Clausen.
Washington Redskins select Trent Williams
Damn. I wanted him to slip to Buffalo, no matter how improbable that was.
Anyway, this pretty much guarantees that the Chiefs take Okung. I can't imagine Pioli uses #5 money on Eric Berry. Pioli's big on "positional value," and safety's not a position of value at #5 overall.
The fact that 3 Oklahoma players have gone in the top 5 picks, and another (Jermaine Gresham) is going to be picked in the first round, makes you wonder about how Bob Stoops hasn't won more at Oklahoma. Well, once you overlook Bradford and Gresham missing all of 2009.
Yes, Williams was a "workout warrior" if there ever was one, but he's also been reasonably productive. He's not Jason Pierre-Paul or anything.
Trent Williams is not the brightest crayon in the box, that's for sure.
Oh, and if the Redskins sign a quality WR (please, please sign T.O., just to see Donovan and T.O. shit all over Philly next year), they win the NFC East.
Just saw a "the Chiefs want Bradford as reparations" joke on the KSK live blog. +1, KSK.
Also, looks like Eric Berry is going to the Chiefs. Surprising. But a good pick. Berry's one of the safest selections in the draft.
Kansas City Chiefs select Eric Berry
Berry should be a mainstay in the Kansas City secondary for the next 10 years. The Ed Reed comparisons are a bit much, but Berry's a good bet to be at least a solid player. Very high floor on Berry.
At #6, Seattle has the first of their two first round selections and will probably go Okung. They badly need an OT. But Seattle could take Spiller, especially if they don't think Spiller, Clausen, or one of the defensive ends they like will be around at #14.
Russell Okung is wearing one of those "holy fuck, this guy's gonna blow his money in 4 years" type of watches.
Jon Gruden REALLY like C.J. Spiller, if you didn't catch that already. Christ.
Seattle Seahawks select Russell Okung
Best OT in the draft. Okung should keep Matt Hasslebeck reasonably upright next year. Now, at #14, Seattle can hope that Spiller, Clausen, or Dez Bryant are available. If they take Spiller or Bryant, that offense could become respectable again in a hurry.
Cleveland will apparently take a CB, meaning Oakland will be all that's standing between Buffalo and Clausen. Or Buffalo and Tebow, if you want to piss me the fuck off.
The Arizona Cardinals unveiled some new black uniforms. They're pretty fucking nice, actually.
Cleveland looks like they're taking Joe Haden.
Cleveland Browns select Joe Haden
Oakland is deciding between Spiller and Iupati. A RB when they took one #4 overall two years ago, or a fucking guard. Such a Raiders thing to do.
Joe Haden is, so far, my "most likely to completely washout" pick of the guys selected so far. that means exactly dick, but, you know, I thought I'd mention it.
Rolando McClain to Oakland?
Also, AJR just decided to send me a text saying "Tebow to Bills." As I said to him, "Fuck you."
Oakland Raiders select Rolando McClain
Now, McClain is a very, very good player. I like him alot. But McClain's a much better fit in the 3-4 than a 4-3, and the Raiders already have Kirk Morrison. But this is a much better pick than Darrius Heyward-Bey was last year. McClain's excelled in the SEC. Heyward-Bey barely got by in the SEC.
And Buffalo's on the clock. My preferences would be: (1) Clausen. (2) Bulaga or Anthony Davis. (3) C.J. Spiller (4) Jerry Hughes or Derrick Morgan (5) Dez Bryant (6) Dan Williams.
Well, holy shit.
Buffalo Bills select C.J. Spiller
Coulda been worse. C.J. Spiller doesn't fill a need, but he's a hell of a football player. I don't have a problem with going BPA if the guy is as good as Spiller.
Yes, Buffalo needs offensive line help. But the OT class is deep, and Spiller can help at RB and in the return game.
Jacksonville Jaguars select Tyson Alualu
What the fuck?
Jesus Christ. That doesn't make a damn bit of sense. Tim Tebow would have been a better pick there.
**trade** San Francisco trades up from the #13 spot to the #11 spot. Kyle Wilson? Jimmy Clausen?
San Francisco 49ers select Anthony Davis
Yes, I agree with Gruden. Shoot me. Davis is a quality football player, and the 49ers have a need at LT. Davis has a lower floor the Bulaga, but he also has a higher ceiling.
***trade*** San Diego trades up to #12. The Dolphins move back.
Miami was trying to move down all week, so this trade down wasn't surprising. San Diego probably goes RB, but this could be an OLB.
San Diego Chargers select Ryan Matthews
Well, there we go. Matthews and Sproles should be a nice RB tandem next year for San Diego.
Also, some of these fucking dances the draft prospects are doing are gayer than Earth Day. Doesn't anyone know the Cupid Shuffle, or the Stanky Legg, or the Booty Dew, or the modern equivalent of those three dances?
Also, I'm getting bored with writing (not the draft), so I increased the drinking. Hopefully that helps.
***trade*** Philadelphia jumps up to the #13 spot. Denver's now picking at the end of the first round.
Philly will apparently take Earl Thomas, but we'll see.
Philadelphia Eagles select Brandon Graham
Ah, the classic "shitty workout, great results" player. But I'm sure Philly fans are pissed anyway.
Graham's a pretty good player. I like him alot. But yeah, Earl Thomas is on the board, and the Eagles really, really need a safety. Weird choice.
Dez Bryant to Seattle here? He's probably worth the risk at this point, but we'll see.
Oh, and another thought: Denver trading down for Tebow? Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.
Schefter thinks Brandon Graham is the best pass rusher in this draft and will win Rookie of the Year. Duly noted.
Seattle Seahawks select Earl Thomas
Makes sense. The Seahawks were thought to be targeting Eric Berry, and Thomas is the next best safety on the board.
Guys who are surprisingly slipping: Bryan Bulaga, Jimmy Clausen, Dez Bryant, Derrick Morgan, Dan Williams. Bulaga and Morgan are the most surprising.
Gruden: "Earl Thomas reminds me of Brandon Meriweather." Man, he's pissed?
The Giants are up. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
New York Giants select Jason Pierre-Paul
Ooohhhh he's HAITIAN. WHAT A GREAT STORY!
Pierre-Paul's a classic "workout-warrior." Only played one year of D1A football, but can do all sorts of super athletic shit. Look at his backflips.
Yeah. That's the type of stuff that makes you a first round pick. Fuck producing on the field, like, say, Jerry Hughes, another OLB from a mid-major.
Anyway, Tennessee's up, and Pierre-Paul was supposedly their guy. Don't know what they'll do. But the 49ers have to be ecstatic Kyle Wilson is still on the board. They've got a huge hole at CB, and Wilson would be a day one starter.
Or the 49ers could be smart and take Jimmy Clausen to anchor their offense for the next 10 years, but Clausen may be too gay for San Francisco.
Schefter thinks the Titans are going Derrick Morgan. Which, actually, makes a ton of sense. I'm retarded. If Pierre-Paul and Graham weren't available, Morgan was a logical fallback. He fills than 3-4 OLB, pass-rush specialist guy very well.
Tennessee Titans select Derrick Morgan
San Francisco 49ers select Mike Iupati
Well, the Titans pick was logical. The 49ers? I mean, they've beefed up that offensive line. San Francisco should run the ball very well now, and Alex Smith should have plenty of time to throw. But they probably need to think about replacing Smith at some point, and that hole at corner isn't going away.
Still, when in doubt, address the offensive or defensive line. The 49ers have done that. They'll score more points next year, and probably enter 2010 as the NFC West favorite, with the retirement of Kurt Warner and other departures from the Cardinals.
Oh, Christ. Even I'm not going near making fun of this kid. Although it would have been REALLY funny if he changed the pick, or if the Jets fans booed him.
Pittsburgh Steelers select Maurkice Pouncey
Interior linemen go in back to back picks in the top 20. Interesting.
Also, how many people are out there thinking "THE STEELERS ONLY LET MAKE A WISH KID DO THAT TO MAKE UP FOR ROETHLISBERGER RAPING A GIRL"? Like, 75% of yahoo and PFT commenters?
AJR says that Clausen looks like "a faggot from St. Thomas." I cannot disagree.
Atlanta Falcons select Sean Weatherspoon
Good player. Not a great player, but Weatherspoon fits their defense well.
Schefter says Houston will take Kareem Jackson, a corner from Alabama. Why is Kyle Wilson dropping? Is the fact he's from Boise St. really that big of a problem?
Some asshole is going to say: When you're in the same division as Peyton Manning, you can NEVER have too many corners!
Houston Texans select Kareem Jackson
Don't know why the Texans ignored Kyle Wilson. They must think Jackson's a better scheme fit.
Cincinnati Bengals select Jermaine Gresham
Good pick. Carson Palmer's probably done, but at least this gives Palmer the option to not suck. Plus, Gresham opens up room for Ocho.
Also: hooray, the Gators are flaming.
The question: how does Tim Tebow feel about this? Considering his outspoken Christianity, he can't approve.
Denver is up with this pick, and apparently it will be Demaryius Thomas, the WR from Georgia Tech. With Dez Bryant still on the board.
Denver Broncos select Demaryius Thomas
Thomas doesn't have Bryant's character issues, but he's not nearly as talented or polished. He played in an option offense. He basically ran go routes his entire career at GT. He's got alot to learn, but he's high upside, just based on his natural ability.
I like that logic: "Josh McDaniels drafted Demaryius Thomas, because Thomas reminds McDaniels of Brandon Marshall." Brandon Marshall, who McDaniels just traded. Again, Josh McDaniels is a fucking idiot.
Green Bay Packers select Bryan Bulaga
Holy shit, I forgot Bulaga was still available. I'm probably drinking too quickly. Bulaga's great value at this spot, and Bulaga fills a huge need. He can, at the least, start at RT from day one. Great selection here.
If Baltimore gets Dez Bryant, well, goddamn. Bryant, Derrick Mason, Anquan Boldin, Ray Rice, Willis McGahee, and a solid offensive line? Joe Flacco's gonna be as well set up to succeed as any QB in the NFL.
YEEEHAW DALLAS IS FUCKIN' CRAZY!. The Cowboys just traded up, presumably to take Dez Bryant.
Dallas Cowboys select Dez Bryant
Well, talk about weapons on offense. Miles Austin, Dez Bryant, Jason Witten, Marion Barber, Felix Jones. Tony Romo should put up some nice numbers next year.
If you want to see a draft live blog who's more convinced of his own superiority than even Bill Simmons, read this. And remember, this guy watches as much film as you or me.
USA! USA! USA! USA!
Also, fuck. This thing is going to be over in an hour, and I'm drunk. Walking to the bar on a Thursday seems like a bad idea, but, well, not much else to do.
Nice fucking watch, Dez Bryant.
Denver Broncos select Tim Tebow
THANK YOU. I can now go to sleep in peace tonight.
Again, Josh McD is a fucking idiot.
See? Again, Josh McD saves Buffalo from themselves.
I love how Tom Jackson inexplicably hates Tim Tebow. I didn't see that coming, but I salute you, Tom.
Denver now has a drunk (Orton), a gay (Quinn), and Jesus at QB. Should be some fun meetings.
Arizona Cardinals select Dan Williams
Williams is a GREAT fit in Arizona. He'll give the Cardinals a pretty solid defensive line, with Williams, Calais Campbell, and Darnell Dockett up front.
Okay, here's where I REALLY start hoping the Bills trade up for Clausen. That would make my night.
Seriously, Tom Jackson is now, like, my new favorite guy. "You have to play in order to be a leader." That's what he said when talking about Tebow's intangibles, and how overrated that shit is. Love it. Love it.
When talking about the intelligence of the general public, I always say: "Think of the average person. Now realize that half the people out there are dumber than that." Along those lines, I'd like to give a passive-aggressive FUCK YOU to the majority of the Buffalo Rumblings community, a website who (outside of the guy who runs the site, who is a good dude and I like him and his site) overwhelmingly wanted the Bills to take Tebow. You can all eat a shit-covered Bible.
New England Patriots select Devin McCourty
Gruden says McCourtny was the boundary corner at Rutgers. The boundary corner? They're taking a boundary corner in the first round?
I mean, if that weren't the Pats making the pick, I'd be all "HAHAHA DUMBDUMBHEADS" and shit. But since it's the Pats, McCourtny will probably be a Pro Bowler.
Miami Dolphins select Jared Odrick
Good player. May not fill as big of a need as Jerry Hughes or Sergio Kindle would have, but Odrick should fit in well as a 3-4 DE in Miami.
Christ. If the Jets add Hughes or Kindle here (to pair with the recently signed Jason Taylor), they'll have one of the league's better pass rushes....and Darrell Revis and Antonio Cromartie in the secondary. They'll be able to score 14 points and win, like 14 games.
New York Jets select Kyle Wilson
Well, or that. Now the Jets are covered if Antonio Cromartie goes and, like, knocks up another three bitches. New York should have one of the NFL's best pass defenses again. Motherfucker, except that New York's more likely to go pussytubing in Dallas next February.
I'm going to laugh if the Vikings take a fucking tailback. Corner, OL, or DT. Those should be the options.
Actually, scratch that. Best idea I've heard?
The Vikings should draft LeGarrette Blount. Maybe he'd punch Favre.
DJ Gallo has been killin' it today.
Okayyyyy. Detroit trades up to the Vikes spot. They will not be taking a QB.
Detroit Lions select Jahvid Best.
Well, that's an excellent selection. Detroit needs a RB. Best has some injury concerns, but at this point, he's probably worth it.
As ESPN came back from commercial, Kiper and Gruden were talking about "dumbass coaches." Hehehe.
Indianapolis Colts select Jerry Hughes
Not a great workout guy, but great on-field production. He'll probably be a pure pass rusher, and maybe not a 3 down player, but at this point Hughes is worth the pick.
Indianapolis probably could have gone offensive line here, based on their struggles protecting Peyton Manning in the postseason. But they may not have felt an OT was worth this pick. I can't say I disagree.
New Orleans Saints select Patrick Robinson
Well, the Saints need DBs, even though they selected Malcolm Jenkins in the first round last year and signed Jabari Greer. A pass rusher may have been better, but yeah. Not bad.
So what does this mean? Jimmy Clausen is still on the board. That alone is enough to make me excited about tomorrow. How far does he fall? Does Minnesota take him at the top of the second round? Does Cleveland? Does Carolina get into position to take him? God, if Buffalo passes on him again....
Anyway, I've got a good buzz going, so I'm not gonna stick around any longer. Thanks for playing, gentlemen. To quote my man Ice Cube, today was a good day.* Good(k)night.
*Embedding on that video is disabled, so I can't link it here. Still, that is a phenomenal video and you should all watch it
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