Icy-Hot Sensations

Matt Barkley? Matt Barkley.

2010-11-03T17:36:00.005-05:00

I don't know who is responsible for remixing Barkley's wonderful pregame ritual with Ace of Base, so I can't credit you appropriately. Please know that my hat goes off to you, good sir.* But even Ace of Base and dancing outside the Colosseum cannot overcome the SHOCK AND AWE of Chip Kelly's Oregon band of super soldiers.

H/T to EDSBS

*criticism for Barkley null and void because I occasionally listened to Avril Lavigne before football games.

Randy Moss Released Over Sh-tty Food (UPDATED)

2010-11-02T14:44:00.012-05:00

This video is outstanding. You should watch it.

Like me, you may have thought Brad Childress released Randy Moss because of his lack of effort and, uh, interesting press conference on Sunday. You'd be wrong.

Michael Silver, you can print it, I don't care how you put it on yo' ink:

Even before Sunday’s surreal address to the media following the Vikings’ 28-18 defeat to the Patriots at Gillette Stadium – during which he questioned Childress’ leadership while effusively praising his former coach, Bill Belichick, and the Patriots’ organization – Moss had alienated some of his teammates with his brash, entitled behavior, most glaringly in an incident that occurred in the team’s locker room last Friday afternoon, Yahoo! Sports has learned.
As is the team’s custom on Fridays, a local food establishment was invited to the training facility to serve a catered, post-practice meal in the locker room. In this case, a St. Paul restaurant that is a favorite of former Vikings center Matt Birk. As the proprietors helped serve chicken, ribs, pasta and other dishes to Vikings players, Moss paced up and down the serving line and loudly expressed his displeasure with the offerings.

According to one player who witnessed the scene, Moss yelled, “What the [expletive]? Who ordered this crap? I wouldn’t feed this to my dog!”

I like to imagine that scene playing out like this, with Rodney Dangerfield in the Randy Moss role and Brad Childress played by Judge Smails:

Anyway, moving on:

Said the witness: “It was brutal. The truth is, he deserved to be cut after that. It was such an uncomfortable moment. You know that feeling where you just can tell someone feels so small? That’s what it was like being there.

“This wasn’t a chain – it was a mom-and-pop restaurant, and you could tell it was their best stuff. They had a special carving station set up, and there were players and other support staff lining up to eat it. And [Moss] is at his locker saying, ‘You know, I used to have to eat that crap – but now I’ve got money.’ You just felt so sad for them. I had never seen anyone treated like that.

“And by the way, the food was actually really good.”

While I can't condone that type of behavior from Moss - it just doesn't fit with the hyper-annoying, Minnesota-based, passive-aggressive way of complaining only when the people you're complaining about are no longer within earshot - I'll reserve judgment until I find out what restaurant was catering the Vikings' meal. Because if it was fucking Dixie's, then I'm siding with Randy.

(edit: The restaurant was Tinucci's. Menu is here. I've never eaten there, but investigative reporting seems to indicate Randy's outrage was defensible.)

Finally,

When Childress, according to one person in Monday’s meeting, said of Moss, “This just doesn’t fit with how we treat people, how we talk to people and how we act,” it was clear that he was referring to the incident that occurred last Friday. Sunday’s stream-of-consciousness statement to the media only reinforced the internal perception that Moss was going out of his way to disrespect the organization.

Disrespect. The second worst thing to cite in any reasoning, narrowly trailing "haters." What an organization.

Just to Recap

2010-11-01T21:03:00.005-05:00

White old hillbilly:

- calls out his coach
- refuses to be benched
- pussyfoots around and doesn't show up to training camp until the middle of August
- struggles through 7 games
- calls out his coach again
- calls out his coach for a third time

Black not-as-old hillbilly:

- dogs a few routes in one game
- gives no effort to catch a ball after he's interfered with in the next game
- calls out his coach and gives the most enjoyably bizarre press conference in a long time

White old hillbilly never suffers any reprecussions. Black not-as-old hillbilly gets cut after four games.

Brad Childress is a fucking dipshit assface moron.

Weekend Football Recap

2010-10-31T21:30:00.000-05:00

College:

Ohio State 52, Minnesota 10

Oregon 53, USC 32

via

Auburn 51, Mississippi 31

TCU 48, UNLV 6

Iowa 37, Michigan St. 6

Nebraska 31, Missouri 17

Virginia 24, Miami 19

NFL:

Jaguars 35, Cowboys 17

Lions 37, Redskins 25

Chiefs 13, Bills 10

Packers 9, Jets 0

Raiders 33, Seahawks 3

Bucs 38, Cardinals 35

Patriots 28, Vikings 18

Let Us Rejoice And Be Glad In It

2010-10-30T13:00:00.007-05:00

Nick Punto, the most hated player in Twins Territory (at least by the 5 member IHS staff), will probably not be returning to the Minnesota Twins. The team declined to pick up his option, and it doesn't appear as if they'll try to re-sign him at a lower rate. This, in and of itself, is boneriffic news. But wait! There's more fun stuff!

Hustle down the line, Star-Tribune:

The Twins announced Friday that they have declined the infielder's $5 million option for 2011, instead paying him a $500,000 buyout. It could be the end of Punto's seven-year career with the Twins, during which he batted .248 with 12 homers and 194 RBI and drove manager Ron Gardenhire nuts by frequently diving into first base -- but also frequently dazzled with his glove wherever he played.

My hatred of Gardy just decreased by roughly 25%. I always thought Gardy either approved of Punto's head first slides, or at least tolerated them because the slides showed hustle or heart or whatever. BUT GARDY DON'T PLAY THAT SHIT, HOMES.

In conclusion:

In other news:

The Timberwolves are 1-1. I was working Wednesday and didn't get to see the home opener, but I watched some of the game last night. They're pretty fun to watch and shouldn't be quite as embarrassing this year.

Milwaukee's not a bad team, and the Wolves controlled most of the game last night. I'm cautiously optimistic about them winning 25-30 games this year. IMPROVEMENT.

Michael Beasley looks pretty good. Being the #1 scoring option should really allow Beasley to turn into that go-to guy he was projected to be out of college. Luke Ridnour's doing a nice job running the point, and the Ridnour-Flynn tandem at PG should be much better than what the Wolves have had the past few years. Darko...well, he's improved drastically on the defensive end, but dear God is he awful offensively.

I hate agreeing with Bill Simmons on anything, but I do have to agree with him that it's idiotic what Kurt Rambis is doing with Kevin Love. Love is the best player on the team and he's only playing 25 minutes per game so that Anthony fucking Tolliver can get minutes. Tolliver seems like a smart, nice young man, but Jesus, he's nowhere near the player that Love is.

Wesley Johnson looks verrrrrrrrryyyy good coming off the bench for Wayne Ellington. Hopefully Johnson eventually can grab the starting job and continue that production in a starting role.

Finally: The Daily Gopher likes us. Hi guys! You shouldn't link to us much.We're borderline retarded.

Brett Favre's ankle blah blah blah I don't care. Turn the team over to T-Jax already.

Fire His Ass

2010-10-28T11:50:00.004-05:00

A 20-year old student worker died yesterday because this asshole and his staff didn't want to hold practice inside a second straight day due to high winds. Because of this, a terrified Declan Sullivan took his purch in a scissor tower high above a practice field endzone and later fell to his death.

If Notre Dame's president has any sort of balls, Brian Kelly and AD Jack Swarbrick need to be put on leave immediately, pending the investigation.

The Man Who Can Save Gopher Football

2010-10-26T05:00:00.005-05:00

pic via

AJR recently wrote a piece on who should be the next coach of the esteemed, accomplished Minnesota Golden Gopher football team. He named three candidates - Troy Calhoun (Air Force), Kevin Sumlin (Houston), and Al Golden (Temple), with the belief that any of the three can get the Gophers to that Rose Bowl they’ve been futility seeking for so long. All three coaches are good candidates if you want a return of the Glen Mason era, where a bowl berth was standard practice but a meaningful bowl berth was out of reach.

Want a Rose Bowl? There’s one man for the job.

Mike Leach.

Formerly at Texas Tech, Mike Leach – who has expressed interest in the job - is a coach who has experience using the leftover scraps of other teams to win in a BCS conference. He’s accomplished. He’s innovative. He’s not more of the same old, grind it out system that can’t win in Minnesota as long as the rest of the conference is running the same offense.

Why is Mike Leach the only coach who has expressed interest that can get the Gophers that Big 10 title they so desperately crave? Here’s why.

Experience Winning In A BCS Conference While Using Lesser Recruits

The new coach at Minnesota will initially have to win using the scraps left over by Iowa, Wisconsin, the rest of the Big 10, and maybe even NDSU and SDSU. Sure, the Gophers may eventually be able to control the state of Minnesota and siphon off recruits from surrounding states, but it’s unrealistic to expect the new head coach to come in and pull off top 25 recruiting classes in the wake of the mess left behind by Tim Brewster.

Al Golden and Kevin Sumlin both have experience recruiting in areas of the country where they’re getting scraps left over by more prestigious teams. But neither has experience taking these scraps and winning with them in a BCS conference. Mike Leach has this experience.

Leach took QBs and WRs who were so naturally talented they went in the final three rounds of the NFL draft, if they were drafted at all, and turned them into key components on one of the top offenses in the country. With the notable exception of Michael Crabtree, Leach never had NFL talent on his offense at Texas Tech, yet he consistently put out one of the top offenses in college football and had a team that competed every year in the Big 12.

Leach took the recruits rejected at Texas and Oklahoma and beat Texas and Oklahoma with them. He has experience in getting the most out of lesser talent, and winning in a major conference with that lesser talent. Whoever is Minnesota’s next coach will need to get the most out of lesser talent until the program can be rebuilt. Leach has experience doing this, and he’s the only guy out there who has this experience.

Innovative - Won't Be Using Players Recruited By Wisconsin And Iowa

One of AJR’s main points in his piece is that Minnesota needs to go back to the formula that’s won at Iowa and Wisconsin and previously at Minnesota. In fact, here’s the direct quote.

When you look at Iowa and Wisconsin, the two programs most often compared with Minnesota's, the blueprint for success becomes clear: Run the ball, control the clock, and play stout defense. Both the Badgers and Hawkeyes are built with ball-control offenses and strong defenses which both caters to the talent pool of the Midwest, and also the realization that Ohio State, Michigan and now Nebraska will always have more athletes. Another factor working against an offense built on speed and a crafty passing attack is the climate. And as much as the Mike Leach fans would like to discount this dilemma, it definitely would create issues in a passing game in November. Thus, any offense that needs more than two or three pro-caliber skill players to be extremely successful should probably be taken out of consideration.

And, well, I’m going to disagree with that about as strongly as I can.

I’m sorry, but I’m not getting excited about going back to a formula that won Glen Mason 8 games a year and got him a Sun Bowl berth. Running the same offensive and defensive schemes as Iowa and Wisconsin is a terrible idea, especially when the new coach arrives.

Why?

Because if Minnesota runs the same kind of offense as Iowa and Wisconsin, they’re competing for the same recruits as Iowa and Wisconsin. And, ultimately, that’s a battle that Minnesota’s about 4-5 years away from winning, if they can ever decisively win it at all.

A team is most successful is when they’re ahead of the curve, not behind the curve. When they’re the one setting the new offensive trend, not following the same trends other teams have used. Urban Meyer found so much success in the SEC partially because he was the one setting the new trends in offense at Florida (and partially because he’s a hell of a recruiter). Meyer didn’t succeed by following what Georgia, Alabama, LSU, and Auburn were doing – he did his own thing, used a different type of player, and developed an offense that was different from the other teams in the conference and, thus, more difficult to prepare for. Same thing with Rich Rodriguez at West Virginia in the Big East and, now that he has a QB, Rich Rodriguez and Michigan in the Big 10, and Bo Pelini and Nebraska in the Big 12. See also: Oregon in the Pac 10 and the offense Chip Kelly has used since he came over to run the offense in 2008, what Chris Peterson has been doing at Boise St. since he arrived, and, to a lesser extent, what Gus Malzahn is doing with his veer option and Cam Newton at Auburn (Pelini uses similar concepts at Nebraska, where Taylor Martinez is having fun and being awesome).

Why these offenses are so successful is that they’re both different from what’s usual and they’re run by smart people who actually know what they’re doing. Leach’s spread offense would be unique to the Big 10 and much different than what teams prepare for week in and week out. And Leach is smart enough to design schemes that work with the players he has, as his time at Texas Tech proved.

If you want the same type of season as was here when Glen Mason was in charge – i.e. a season with a 6 win floor but a 9 win ceiling – then hire someone who runs a grind it out offense. If you want someone who runs an offense that can actually get you to the top of the conference based on the offense’s success, then bring in Mike Leach and his spread passing attack.

Leach can make an offense work with guys like Adam Weber. If Leach had a weapon like Eric Decker, Decker would have had Crabtree-like success. Leach knows how to get the most out of his players, most of whom wouldn’t start in a system run by Iowa, Wisconsin, or most of the other teams in the Big 10. His team doesn’t need two or three NFL caliber players to be successful. Most years, they barely had one.

Oh, and finally: yes, “extreme weather” is a concern for any spread offense, because it’s tougher to throw in the snow. But Joe Tiller had Drew Brees throw like 58 times per game when Brees was at Purdue, and his offense didn’t get bogged down in extreme weather. Northwestern’s wacky taffy offense doesn’t slow to a crawl when the snow hits either. Weather concerns, which may play a role in an average of one game per season, aren’t a valid reason to not run a spread offense.

Previously Rebuilt A Program

All three of the candidates AJR has mentioned have remade a program before, but none have remade a program in a BCS conference.

Leach took Texas Tech from a perennial bottom feeder into a team that contended for the Big 12 title on a yearly basis, and Leach did it with a Texas Tech program that doesn’t have anywhere near the advantages Minnesota has in terms of facilities or financial backing. Al Golden’s done a nice job turning around Temple, but I’ll take the guy who’s turned around a program in a BCS conference instead of the MAC, thanks. For the number of wins each coach has in BCS conference games, consult the helpful visual aid below:

Leach's System Doesn’t Require Five Star Recruits

As was briefly discussed, Leach’s offensive system doesn’t require a gaggle of NFL prospects for it to work, and that’s important for the Minnesota program.

Look, I’m sure we’d all love to believe, like our favorite sports fans do, that Minnesota is going to turn into an NFL hotbed in the near future, but realistically that’s not going to happen. Minnesota needs a coach with a system that doesn’t require NFL prospects for the system to work. Leach’s system is one such system. Troy Calhoun’s system at Air Force is another system that’s the same way, but it’s more difficult to find a QB on the recruiting trail who can effectively run an option offense than it is to find a QB who can run Mike Leach’s offense.

Leach has turned chicken shit into chicken salad before at the QB position, and he can surely do the same with guys of Adam Weber’s talent level.

Entertainment Value And Buzz Factor

Yes, some of this buzz would be of the bad kind, because of Leach’s problem with locking Craig James’ kid in a closet. As someone who really only cares about winning and has locked his fair share of kids in closets, trunks, vans, and other dark areas, Leach’s past doesn’t bother me, but I’m sure a number of Negative Nancies in the Minnesota community won’t like him. And I suppose it wouldn’t be difficult to negatively recruit against him by using the “hey, don’t send your kid there, because Mike Leach will lock him in a closet,” but most coaches can overcome negative recruiting. Hell, Lane Kiffin still pulls in top classes. If that asshole can do it, so can Leach.

That said, fuck all the dipshits who don’t want Leach because of his past. Leach’s kids at Texas Tech didn’t have a reputation for raping or cheating or any of the other off the field transgressions that have plagued the Minnesota football team in the past, and that’s really what’s most important for the power brokers at Minnesota – how the program is presented, not how the coach irresponsibly punishes one kid who’s probably a huge twatwhistle but still doesn’t deserve to be locked in a closet.

Want a team that’s entertaining to watch and will get people in the seats? Bring in Leach and his Texas Tech offense. Leach’s Texas Tech teams would throw the ball 50 times a game, put out 500 yards of offense, and light up the scoreboard. Sure, Leach’s teams would sometimes give up 500 yards of offense and 50 points a game too, but if there’s a choice between a 55-45 game and a 10-6 game, most paying customers would rather see the 55-45 game.

Leach may not be able to work his magic in year one, but his losses would be much more entertaining than a grind it out Big 10 offense would. And when Leach has players with a few years of experience in the offense and the unit gets clicking? Hoo boy. Just find the man a defensive coordinator, and the Gophers are suddenly contending in the expanded Big 10.

Al Golden and the others are all fine candidates who may be able to turn the program around, but who also have a high likelihood of flopping, considering their lack of success in a BCS conference and with a big program. Leach has a higher ceiling – with Leach, the Gophers can legitimately dream of one day playing in a Rose Bowl. The Gophers don't know what they're getting with Golden, Sumlin, or Calhoun. They do with Leach. And what they're getting is a coach with the experience and knowledge necessary to turn a lesser program in a BCS conference into a contender for the conference title.

Leach has more experience in a BCS conference, a better track record, an offense that would be unique to the Big 10 and thus more difficult to prepare for, and has had proven success with a group of athletes that are less talented than the teams they’re facing. Leach is the only coach on the market who has both expressed interest in the job and has all the qualities to bring Minnesota to the top of the Big 10. And he’d be a hell of a lot more fun to follow.

The Gophers will be too cheap and chickenshit to offer Leach to job, but until they make a move to grab someone with Leach’s track record, they’ll be stuck spinning their wheels in mediocrity.

Amen

2010-10-25T10:35:00.003-05:00

Thanks to Big Daddy Drew for putting my thoughts on THE OL' GUNSLINGER WHO'S HAVING FUN OUT THERE BY SUCKING MAJOR POLE into words like only Mr. Magary can.

Did I mention we have the #1 running back and #7 rushing offense in the NFL and we are 2-and-fucking-4? I'm pretty sure we'd be 4-2 if we had a quarterback which could muster a rating of 88 instead of 68.

See you in Foxboro next Sunday.

AHAHAHEHEHEAHAHAHEHEHEHEHEHAHAHA

2010-10-24T22:30:00.001-05:00

How many inch...INTs for Brett tonight? Let's go to the Count.

Isn't this just so much FUN?

D-Fense...D-Cline

2010-10-22T16:31:00.003-05:00

It's no secret that Jared Allen, the resident douchebag on the Vikings' defense has had his problems getting to opposing quarterbacks in the first five games this year. Above is Profootballfocus.com's chart (click to enlarge) of the weekly rating of Viking defensive end Jared Allen's performance thus far in 2010. Last season, #69 ranked a very impressive sixth, fifth as a pure pass rusher, which was in line with his 2008 performance numbers of seventh and fourth.

Fast forward to 2010 and if you click on the link to the full story, you will see that under their calculations Allen is currently ranked 61st of the 61 defensive ends in the NFL which qualify under the minimum number of snaps. THAT'S DEAD LAST. To be fair, he has had to battle the likes of D'Brickashaw Ferguson and Jake Long, both of which completely bitched Allen like he was a third-grade girl. What's troubling, though, is that Allen has basically been a very average DE against the likes of Jermon Bushrod, Jeff Backus and Doug Free.

This week #69 and the rest of the overrated Vikings travel to Lambeau to take on LT Chad Clifton and the overrated Packers. In the two matchups last season against Green Bay, Minnesota registered 14 sacks with Allen notching 7.5 of the QB takedowns. If Jared Allen is unable to post a sack or two this go-around, the Vikes could be in for a long evening...not to mention an even longer November and December when their season is long down the shitter.

The Men Who Could Bring a Rose Bowl to Dinkytown (Seriously)

2010-10-21T16:33:00.000-05:00

In the winter of 2007, many a good football coach walked through the doors of the Bierman Athletic Complex aspiring to become the next leader of the Golden Gopher football program. Tim Brewster, unfortunately for those faithful followers of the Maroon and Gold, was not one of them. Now, after three-and-a-half rollercoaster seasons with the biggest windbag in Dinkytown's history, the University of Minnesota's football program will once again commence its search for a new head football coach.

As usual, the list of names being compiled is a long and lofty one, with names like Dungy, Leach, Frazier and Fulmer at or near the top. As usual, none of those high profile names would both be willing to accept the challenge of Minnesota's downtrodden program AND be offered the job by the Maturi/Bruininks regime. After hearing the sports talk banter for the last couple of days, I came to the conclusion there will only be three candidates truly in contention for the Gophers' vacancy following the regular season. Barring an unforeseen contender (the sheriff?), one of these three men will be named the seventh Golden Gopher football coach since 1980.

Before I spell out the three candidates and their resumes, I wanted to touch on the important factors that the University needs to keep in mind during their search.

1.) He should have significant head coach or coordinator experience - No matter how right or wrong this requirement is (see: Ferentz, Kirk), there is no way in hell that Maturi or Bruininks will hire someone without a strong coaching resume like they did with Brewster. This could also help to create more of a "buzz" around Golden Gopher football if they can snag a higher profile or up-and-coming coach. And let's be honest, as of today this team is no higher than sixth in the Twin Cities area when it comes to popularity and they are headed in the wrong direction....they could use some good publicity.

2.) He should be committed to running the football - When you look at Iowa and Wisconsin, the two programs most often compared with Minnesota's, the blueprint for success becomes clear: Run the ball, control the clock, and play stout defense. Both the Badgers and Hawkeyes are built with ball-control offenses and strong defenses which both caters to the talent pool of the Midwest, and also the realization that Ohio State, Michigan and now Nebraska will always have more athletes. Another factor working against an offense built on speed and a crafty passing attack is the climate. And as much as the Mike Leach fans would like to discount this dilemma, it definitely would create issues in a passing game in November. Thus, any offense that needs more than two or three pro-caliber skill players to be extremely successful should probably be taken out of consideration.

3.) He should have ties to Minnesota, the Midwest, or the Big Ten - The worst thing that could happen with the next coach, outside of a Brewster Re-Deux, would be a Lou Holtz Re-Deux. With the amount of candidates likely to apply for this gig, there should be a coach which would not jump to a higher profile job at the first chance he gets. And if the university finds the right guy? I think quarterback Adam Weber said it best,

"... Everything is here," he said. "The university gives everything a student-athlete needs to be successful, not only academically but athletically. It's just a matter of time. We will win football games here at the University of Minnesota. It's too bad that we haven't had the success, but ultimately we will."

Candidate #1: Troy Calhoun, Head Coach at Air Force
Age: 44
Career FBS: 30-16, three consecutive bowl game appearances
2007 Mountain West Conference Coach of the Year
2010 Salary: $750,000

Calhoun, the fourth-year head coach at the Air Force Academy, would likely get a look from the U's search committee because of his success at a school with a limited football (athletics) budget and limited enrollment. In other words, he's done more with less in his four years in Colorado Springs. Prior to taking the job at the Air Force, Calhoun was offensive coordinator at Ohio University, Wake Forest University, and in the NFL with the Houston Texans.

In addition to his experience, another thing Troy Calhoun has going in his favor is his offensive coaching strategy. In both his coordinator stints at Ohio and Wake Forest, Calhoun's teams were among the best in the FBS at running the football. Obviously, coaching at the Air Force he has adopted their traditional triple option offense which has allowed him to continue his squad's propensity to run the football. This commitment to an offensive strategy would be a refreshing change after four years of no offensive identity under Brewster.

Unlike the other two candidates on my list, Calhoun is from Oregon and has never played or coached in the Big Ten or even the Midwest. In fact, he is an AFA alum and getting him to come to Dinkytown could be tricky. Also he probably does not have ties to any recruiting hotbeds around the country, which could be a potential hurdle to success at Minnesota.

Candidate #2: Kevin Sumlin, Head Coach at Houston
Age: 46
Career FBS Record: 21-12, two consecutive bowl game appearances
2009 Conference USA Coach of the Year
2010 Salary: $1.1 Million

Kevin Sumlin is widely viewed as THE up-and-coming African-American head coach in the FBS. Last off-season, he was rumored for the Cincinnati, Texas Tech, and Louisville. He is in his third year at the helm of the Cougars and has strong ties to the University of Minnesota, having coached there under both Jim Wacker and Glen Mason. His Minnesota roots, coupled with his success at Houston should be enough to get him on the short list for this job. Sumlin also had successful offensive coordinator stints at Texas A&M and Oklahoma before heading to Houston.

Sumlin is different from our other two candidates in the sense that his style of play is uptempo and pass orientated. The Cougars run a spread offense, with four and five wide receiver sets frequenting the turf. Because of this, Houston has ranked first and second in passing offense during the first two seasons under Sumlin. In 2010, the Cougars rank 16th in passing offense even with their top two quarterbacks having been injured early this season. Like Troy Calhoun and the triple option, Sumlin's commitment to an offensive strategy would be a refreshing change after four years of no offensive identity under Brewster. Whether the spread passing offense could be a feasible and effective offense in the Minnesota cold is another question. For the Gophers to snatch Sumlin, who just signed a contract extension last offseason, it will likely take a package of upwards of $2 million per year and it is unknown if the administration will be willing to pony up that amount of cash.

Candidate #3: Al Golden, Head Coach at Temple
Age: 41
Career FBS Record: 23-21, 2009 bowl game appearance
2010 Salary: Est. $1.1 Millon

The former Penn State tight end has singlehandedly turned Temple from a garbage FBS program that won three games from 2003-2005 and turned it into a top-tier team in the MAC. He is in his fifth year as head coach at Temple and his teams have shown improvement in every season. Prior to Temple, Golden was the defensive coordinator at Virginia from 2001-2005.

Al Golden is a defensive minded football coach, using a 3-4 scheme to produce some effective defenses at both Virginia and Temple during the last decade. On the offensive side of the ball, from the looks of things he has run a very traditional offense with a successful rushing attack and sub-par passing. He is also a very solid recruiter, having produced the MAC's top class in four of his first five years in Philly. From the looks of it, his main pipeline would be to the Northeast and Pennslyvania, which is no surprise considering his Jersey background.

Golden is the youngest of the three candidates and the one most likely to be the second coming of Lou Holtz. It has been rumored that he would be in line for the Penn State position once JoePa hangs up the coaching shoes. That being said, one would think Golden would give serious consideration to a job in a BCS conference with a new stadium and passionate fan base. If the U wants him, however, they would have to pay him $2 million or more, much like Kevin Sumlin.

**One thing that warrants mentioning is the success Sumlin and Golden have had recruiting in a large metropolitan market. This is constantly a problem for Golden Gopher coaches because of the fact that their athletes are not the #1 attraction in town. Being a big fish in an even bigger pond is often a tough sell when going up against the likes of Madison, Iowa City, and Lincoln, where the student-athletes are constantly front page news. Hopefully, the administration recognizes this quality in those two leaders.**

Each candidate is be well-qualified to become the next head football coach at Minnesota, and I have the utmost confidence that one of these three coaches will take the reigns of Gopher football in the coming months. Whether or not Maturi, Bruininks and the rest of the University feels the same way remains to be seen.

Why The NFL Sucks

2010-10-20T15:00:00.002-05:00

Hello, friends and foes. I guess we’re back and stuff. I guess that’s good. I guess I’ll write something.

I’ve long been a proponent of the NFL. Huge fan. Football’s probably my favorite sport to watch, at least if my favorite baseball team isn’t involved. The quality of play in the NFL is superior to college in just about every way. If I’m watching top teams in the NFL play, I actually get to see quarterbacks who can complete passes more than 10 yards down the field and defensive backs who know how to tackle. The NFL doesn’t have any of this Ricky Stanzi chuck and duck offense, and NFL teams that aren’t the Bills don’t play that Oregon-style bullfighter defense.

All that said, I’m becoming more and more detached from the NFL, to the point where I’m almost indifferent to the entire league and can’t be bothered to follow the majority of games. I know this puts me in the minority of breathing American humans, considering the Jags-Titans shitfest on Monday night outdrew a fucking ALCS game involving Cliff Lee and the New York Yankees, but hey, them’s the breaks.

And just so we’re clear: yes, the Bills sucking for the past decade and continuing to suck in the present and foreseeable future doesn’t help, but Buffalo’s failures haven’t deterred my NFL love before. I used to watch just about every NFL game shown on television and follow the rest online while they were being played. I’d go to a bar just about every Sunday and sit there most of the day. I’d read just about everything I could find on the NFL. I was as big of an NFL super-nerd that existed. Now, I may have the game on at my house, but I typically mute the television and find other stuff to do.

Why am I starting to not care about the NFL now? Let’s count the reasons.

Not Acceptable: “Oversaturation”

I’ve heard the argument made that the NFL is no longer interesting due to the excessive amount of media coverage. This is bullshit. Do you not like hearing Trent Dilfer and Mark Schlereth argue about who will win the #6 seed in the AFC? Then don’t watch Sportscenter or NFL Live. Both shows blow. There. Problem solved.

Acceptable: Attending NFL Games Sucks

This doesn’t go towards my lack of interest in watching a game on television, but it needs to be said: attending an NFL game is a waste of fucking time and money. I’m going to three games in three different stadiums this year. I’ve already gone to a game in Lambeau. Lambeau is supposed to be the best NFL stadium to watch a game. Lambeau, like just about every other NFL stadium, can’t even compare to any big college stadium. The place is a fucking church 90% of the game. I was thoroughly unimpressed, and not just because of the goddamn Packer fans.

By and large, the stadiums are sterile monoliths and have the ambiance of a library. The seats are so far back from the field, unlike top college stadiums where the fans are on top of the players. The 19,531 commercial breaks during a game are fucking INFURIATING when you’re actually attending and have to wait 3 minutes in between a touchdown and kickoff, then another 3 minutes after the kickoff for the offense to take the field, and all you get to do is watch a gaga of shitty commercials on the jumbotron and check your phone for fantasy football updates and anger-inducing facebook notifications about some dickbag you went to high school with asking you to be a fan of his favorite local clothing company.

Right now, for the low, low price of a $75 ticket and $20 in parking and whatever you want to pay to stuff your face at the stadium, you get to sit in a shitty atmosphere, on the top of a fucking mountain, wait through a gadzillion mind-numbing commercial breaks, and ultimately watch a game that’s bound to disappoint you. Thanks, but I’ll spend my money elsewhere.

Acceptable: The NFL’s TV Coverage Sucks

Hey, speaking of interminable commercial breaks, you know what else sucks? The NFL’s television coverage. The announcers aren't the biggest problem, because other sports have their share of shitty announcers too (looking at you, Tim McCarver!). What sucks is the number of games shown and the access to the actual good games that most people want to watch.

Like you, I typically get five games a week (Washington at Chicago this week! My lucky day!) Most of the weekend, one game is on television at a time, meaning if that game sucks, I’m shit out of luck. And thanks to the NFL’s regional coverage, I’m bound to get at least one game involving the Bears or Lions, which, as you might expect, will both suck and blow. Over half the time, if the best game of the week isn’t a Sunday night or Monday night game, I don’t get to see it, unless I want to go to a bar or stream the game online through a shitty internet connection, which I sometimes do, or pay hundreds of dollars for Directv and NFL Sunday Ticket, which I most certainly don’t ever do.

Compare this with college football, where I can usually watch over 15 different games in a given week, and at least a few of them will involve the top teams playing. Look at this weekend: college football’s powerbrokers and television executives shift games in order to ensure that LSU-Auburn and Oklahoma-Missouri, the two best games of the week, are on national television. Will those games be good? I don’t know. But I do know that I’m excited for them, and that if they suck, I can always switch over to the three or four other games playing at the same time and watch one of those games instead. And the more games available, the greater the chance I have to watch an entertaining game. This is a good thing. If college football adopted the NFL’s television policy, I’d probably be stuck every week watching the Gophers and one other Big 10 game while hoping to get regional coverage of an SEC showdown every other week. And then I'd hate college football television coverage too.

Not Acceptable: Poor Quarterback Play

Guess what? The NFL has always had a handful of shitty quarterbacks, like Ryan Fitzawesome and Matt Moore and whoever is starting for the Jags or Raiders now. You don’t like watching shitty QB play? Then don’t watch those games. This is easier said than done, thanks to the NFL’s television coverage policy, but it’s doable.

Acceptable: The NFL Treats Their Players Like Shit

This will make me sound like some douchewad who shops at Whole Foods, but I'm really, actually bothered by the NFL’s concussion policy. Yeah, heir Goodell unleashed a new disciplinary policy this week, their new policy on “dangerous hits” is just as vague as their old one and ultimately will probably won’t do much good. I understand that’s legislating kill shots out of the game is difficult, and that too much legislation will ultimately take away from the play on the field. But that doesn’t mean the NFL should follow Matt fucking Millen’s sage advice and just ignore the danger.

I’m bothered by the idea that these guys on the field now will, in 20 years, be a drooling mess who can’t remember the names of their kids. Broken arms and legs happen. Torn knee ligaments happens. That stuff sucks, but, to me, that’s part of the game and not nearly the same as a brain injury, and those non-brain injuries are more of an acceptable risk. People can get by having to forego golf and other leisure activities later in life. That happens, and that's an acceptable risk for being paid hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars to play football. Brain injuries are an entirely different matter. You can’t function without a brain, champ, unless you’re coaching LSU.

I understand the “players assume the risk and are partially compensated for the risk” argument, but there aren’t guaranteed contracts in the NFL, so let’s not go too far in saying that players are fully compensated for the risks they’re taking. I honestly don’t know the solution to this problem, outside of what is probably an impractical “better helmets that completely prevent concussions” suggestion that will come along as soon as time travel arrives. I just know that it’s an issue that makes me uncomfortable when I’m watching a game and see DeSean Jackson look like he’s dead on the field.

And this is before getting the lack of guaranteed contracts, the lack of benefits for retired players, and the No Fun League ban on celebrations and any pieces of flair on uniforms.

Not Acceptable: The NFL Is Full Of Thugs And Criminals

Oh, you mean black people? That’s what you really mean when you say thugs, right? BE HONEST, BARSTOOL SPORTS WRITER.

Guess what: every sports league has players who skirt the laws of our nation for their personal enjoyment. What’s that? The legal indiscretions of athletes turns you off to all sports? Well, good for you. All of the other entertainment industries are so clean and full of upstanding, law-abiding citizens that I can’t blame you.

Acceptable: The Game Is Stale

A large part of why I enjoy college football is the variation in styles of play. I can go from watching Denard Robinson and Taylor Martinez run all over opposing defenses in one game, then switch over to watching Kellen Moore throw all over opposing defenses the next game, then switch to watching Alabama pound their opponent into submission the next game, then cap it all off by watching Florida execute their midget-trying-to-hump-a-doorknob offense in the nightcap. There’s a wide range of offensive styles in college football. Bored with watching a ground and pound game? Watch Oregon. Bored with watching Jacory Harris throw deep and into triple coverage every other play? Watch Cam Newton’s parade of all-around excellence.

In the NFL, every team essentially runs the same type of offense. There's very little innovation. Teams can switch coordinators, but you know what you’re getting: QB under center on the early downs, some running with zone concepts, maybe some West Coast concepts on certain teams, and then shotgun on third down with largely the same route combinations. Sure, there’s a bit of variation in there – Peyton Manning runs a different offense than Ben Roethlisberger – but the variation is slim. Offensive gameplans are essentially the same low risk/low reward proposition across the board. They keep coaches employed, but there’s no fun to them. And that’s on the good teams, of which there are maybe 10 in any given year. Try sitting through a Bills-Bears game when that comes on your regional coverage. You’ll be slowly sticking your face through a sheet of glass by the second quarter.

This isn’t to say that I’m completely abandoning the NFL. I’m not. But the NFL is quickly becoming whocaresville outside of the playoffs, just like the NBA. Still, I’m also not throwing myself head-first into college football, because the BCS continually fucks up just about everything related to college football for me. At least, everything that’s not the seedy underbelly of recruiting, grayshirting, or basically anything that Nick Saban and Lane Kiffin are responsible for. Oh, and any sport where a genius like Les Miles can inevitably win another national championship with a recipe of 3 CUPS BALLS + ½ TABLESPOON FUCK IT + 2 QUARTS FREAKISH ATHLETES ON DEFENSE + DASH OF TURMERIC + ONE WHOLE PATRICK PETERSEN is not really for me, even if it is entertaining to watch.

Anyway, back on point: any championship system telling a team that if they go undefeated they still have no shot at a championship is so beyond fucked that it’s probably not even worth following closely unless my favorite team is involved in the championship race. If you were starting a sports league from scratch, in what world would you design a championship the way the BCS is designed? You’d have a playoff system in your fictional sports league, as any rational person would.

If Oregon, Auburn, and Oklahoma all finish the year undefeated and one of them is denied a chance to play for the National Title, as I hope happens, maybe the BCS will finally die, as it should have years ago, because it’s ridiculously unjust to tell any of those three teams they didn’t do enough to get to the title game when they play in a major conference and beat everyone on their entire schedule (Boise St. can go fuck themselves. They play three games a year against legitimate opponents, and this year one of those legitimate opponents is 3-3 and the other lost to James Madison). See: video below for comical perspective.

When the BCS finally dies and college football moves to a reasonable playoff system involving 8 or 16 teams, I’ll probably wean myself off from the NFL outside of fantasy football and the playoffs. So for me, the NFL’s on the clock to fix the problems with their game. By 2045, when the NCAA finally implements a sensible playoff system, I’ll finally be able to follow a sport that I fully care about again.

What could have been...

2010-10-20T10:04:00.004-05:00

Last night, psycho Canuck player Rick Rypien almost went Artest on a Wild fan at the X.

Fortunately (or unfortunately for those of us which enjoy a little fan-player melee), it didn't turn into a repeat of the Bruins-Rangers brawl of yesteryear.

Oh and the Wild won 6-2.

Back Like We Forgot Something

2010-10-18T21:46:00.006-05:00

Wait, what?

Yes, yes, yes boys and girls, Icy-Hot Sensations is back after a six-month sabbatical. You'll all be happy to know that our break included such things as the BAR exam (dmk), a move to the STP (AJR26), and the usual amounts of drunkenness and "dougie-ing".

Mase - Welcome Back
Uploaded by blackdesperadoo. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

Hopefully in the next day or two, I'll have a post on who should be the next coach for the Golden Gopher football program, and I'm sure dmk will chime in with his usual gayness. IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE BACKKKKK!

YOU BLEW IT!!!!!

2010-06-04T22:05:00.004-05:00

Holy Shit Jim Joyce - You robbed that kid of the perfect game and instead he went for the one hitter. The implications of this debacle will be far reaching with regards to instant replay and potentially the record books in the next few days.

Blew it sound bite Adam Sandler sound bites

However, after I had a chance to digest all of the media's critiques, chatting with my boy dmk, and remembering a paper I wrote freshman year on stress and major league umpires - it is important to put into perspective how large the microscope is that MLB umpires are put under. It was the stage in the game that propelled the call to the height it has reached, just like a defensive back blowing an assignment in the late 4th quarter. There have been numerous studies on burnout and stress among league officials, so its not surprising Joyce broke down like he did. At least he was man enough to admit his mistake, which many officials are not willing to do. But the stress put upon these individuals is so great because they are expected to be perfect. It is truly a thankless job. Evidence of this can be seen in other leagues (see below) where they eventually reach a tipping point. It is important to remember these umpires, refs, or what have you are trying to do their best. It is just unfortunate that the timing of the call was what it was. It will be interesting to see the implications of this call on more widespread instant replay in the major leagues.

With that said, who gives a fuck about the record books or the fact that it won't go down as a "perfect game?" No matter what Bud Selig rules (who is a douchebag anyway), Armando Galarraga still pitched his ass off. And Detroit should be used to getting fucked by now anyway.

But after watching the replay over and over, you have to ask yourself - would you have been able to make the correct call given the speed of the play and the slight bobble/snowcone by Galarraga?

Icy-Hot Sensations 2010 NFL Draft Live Blog

2010-04-22T18:00:00.076-05:00

Sadly, the liquor store was out of OE. High Gravity Steel Reserve should suffice.

That picture you see above is what my entire draft day enjoyment will turn on: Tim Tebow not landing in Buffalo (and me not drinking that 40 to numb the pain).

From all the rumors (that's just an example, more exist) surrounding the Bills, Tebow's their QB of choice in this draft (even over Bradford and Clausen, which should tell you all that you need to know about their front office's ability to evaluate talent). It's just a question of whether the Bills reach for him at #9, or trade back into the first round to get him.

And when it happens, my reaction will be to bitch, moan, complain, threaten to abandon them, and then, eventually, bend over and take it. Just like your sister does.

But if, miraculously, Tebow is selected by any of the 31 other teams in the NFL, this will be a successful day. If ol' Jesusfreak is selected by the Vikings, well, today will be a treeeeeeeeeeeemendous day.

Anyway, I'll be back around 6:30 to get this thing going. In the meantime, some final mocks for you to enjoy:

Rick Gosselin

Peter King

Don Banks

National Football Post

Bill Simmons (ugh)

Draft Countdown

Walter Football (double ugh)

Some of those mocks have the Vikings selecting Jimmy Clausen, which should make all of you happy. Think of Clausen as a non-Christian, douchier version of Philip Rivers. But some of those mocks also have the Vikes taking Tebow, which would be a very Childress and Spielman-like pick.

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Please follow Todd McShayved on Twitter tonight. This fake twitter is no Gary J Busey, but it's pretty good nonetheless.

The Vikings are discussing a trade for Albert Haynesworth. Hey, one way to address a deficiency in the secondary is to help your pass rush. Haynesworth may do that, although I wonder who is the odd man out between Haynesworth and the Williams Wall.

Tebow may be a Bronco. Maybe. Please?

The Browns are going to offer just about every pick in their draft for Bradford. Why wouldn't the Rams do this? They can trade down, accumulate a bunch of picks, still grab a franchise QB like Clausen (whose arm strength issues would be helped by playing in a dome) and add more talent to their roster.

It's about 5:45 Central time. I'm here for good.

Two reports on the Vikings. First, Haynesworth won't be a Viking. Second, the Vikes won't select a QB in the first round. They should address the secondary or offensive line. But they'll probably take, like, a RB.

Wanna kill the remaining time before the draft? Drew wrote a Draft Day Jamboroo. If you like things that are awesome, you should read it.

Jimmy Clausen gets to spend draft day with Erin Andrews. Okay. Now I kinda hate him.

Oh, and not that speaking ability has any bearing on future NFL success, Clausen's about 87 times more articulate than Tebow. Tebow sounds like a 7th grader giving an acceptance speech for winning a spelling bee.

I like Colt McCoy. I'm not sure he'll be a good NFL QB, but he has a gorgeous wife-to-be, proposed to her in a kind of cool way, and doesn't like Tim Tebow. Again, he's a guy I can root for.

This introduction ceremony is fucking stupid. Draft day greats? No, they're on-field greats. Ryan Leaf is a draft day great. Jamarcus Russell is a draft day great. Tony Mandarich is a draft day great. Akili Smith is a draft day great. Drew Bress, Jim Brown, and all these other guys are actual NFL greats.

Also, I love the Jets fans for booing Marino. That's fucking awesome.

John Randle was an UNDRAFTED FREE AGENT. Meaning he wasn't even drafted. I shouldn't care about this shit, but that would seem to mean he is NOT a draft day great.

Oh, and it's nice to see Jarrett Payton is still alive. I like that guy, and not just because our friend Rick's brother once knocked him out.

Chances Lawrence Taylor is high? I'll put them at 45%. I feel that's conservative.

Why the hell is Jahvid Best at the draft? He's got the best suit on, but still.

And Lamar Houston wins the award for "suit that makes you look like a defendant."

Axe commercials? How have they not signed up Jimmy Clausen to endorse their products. He's fucking perfect for it.

And that Madden '11 commercial is the quintessential example of why Drew Brees is awesome and wrecks every other NFL player's shit. He's not afraid to make fun of himself, and his infant son, and his infant son's headphones. God, he's, like, the exact opposite of, I dunno, some NFL QB without a sense of humor. Like Jay Cutler.

Tom Jackson has a nice tie. He's tied it in a shitty knot, but it's a tie that I'd wear.

Draft Begins

Roger Goodell runs up to begin this shitshow. I could write 8,000 words on this, but I'll keep it short: FUCK Roger Goodell and his arbitrary system of justice. Hey, Rog, this is real easy. If you're going to ignore America's criminal justice sytem, and you think Roethlisberger actually rapes girls, you should probably suspend him for more than 6 games. Because rape's alot more serious than, like, what Chris Henry did (not die - his criminal stuff). And if you think Roethlisberger didn't rape anyone, why the fuck are you suspending him? For banging a young girl in a bar, and a girl who looks like a horse in Vegas? You know how many NFL players have probably fucked a girl in a bar bathroom? Yet, some girl makes a complaint and later retracts, you're now suspending Ben Roethlisberger, because he banged a crazy girl? That's worth a 6 game suspension?

Oh, and for the record, I think Ben's probably a fucking rapist.

Sam Bradford's on the phone, confirming what everyone already knows. He's going to St. Louis.

St. Louis Rams select Sam Bradford

Smart. He's a pretty good prospect, the Rams need a QB, and with the money involved with a #1 pick, a QB probably makes the most financial sense.

Mike Mayock's final mock draft is out. The only shocker he has is Buffalo taking C.J. Spiller.

If I'm the Lions here, I'd take Russell Okung instead of Suh, because a LT to protect Stafford is more important than a DT. But Suh won't be a bad pick when it's made.

Detroit Lions select Ndamukong Suh

No surprises thus far. Until we get past the Bucs pick, everything should be pretty much chalk.

For all the talk about Suh being the "safe" pick, people seem to forget about his knee issues. Sure, there's no such thing as a perfect prospect, and Suh was dominant at Nebraska, but his knee issues were pretty substantial.

Anyway, the Bucs are going to pick Gerald McCoy here. As well they should - they have a glaring need at DT, and McCoy's a perfect fit as a 4-3 DT. But there's no real suspense yet.

Tampa Bay Bucs select Gerald McCoy

Cute story about McCoy and his mom. I guess.

Alrighty, now that that's out of the way, we have some intrigue. Washington is up next, and they have three primary weaknesses: OT, S, and WR. No WR is worth the #4 selection. Eric Berry could go to Washington, but at the same time - do you pass up a LT for a S? Okung and Trent Williams could be the LT selections. Williams is a better fit for Shanny's offense, but Okung's the better player.

I like how Steve Young is speculating that (1) Shanny had a conversation with McNabb about McNabb having MVP potential and (2) that the Redskins organization is fired up about the conversation. So, Young's speculating about the Redskins being fired up about a conversation that's purely speculative.

Oh God. If the Redskins were to STILL take Jimmy Clausen, that would be amazing. Amazing fail, no matter how much I like Clausen.

Washington Redskins select Trent Williams

Damn. I wanted him to slip to Buffalo, no matter how improbable that was.

Anyway, this pretty much guarantees that the Chiefs take Okung. I can't imagine Pioli uses #5 money on Eric Berry. Pioli's big on "positional value," and safety's not a position of value at #5 overall.

The fact that 3 Oklahoma players have gone in the top 5 picks, and another (Jermaine Gresham) is going to be picked in the first round, makes you wonder about how Bob Stoops hasn't won more at Oklahoma. Well, once you overlook Bradford and Gresham missing all of 2009.

Yes, Williams was a "workout warrior" if there ever was one, but he's also been reasonably productive. He's not Jason Pierre-Paul or anything.

Trent Williams is not the brightest crayon in the box, that's for sure.

Oh, and if the Redskins sign a quality WR (please, please sign T.O., just to see Donovan and T.O. shit all over Philly next year), they win the NFC East.

Just saw a "the Chiefs want Bradford as reparations" joke on the KSK live blog. +1, KSK.

Also, looks like Eric Berry is going to the Chiefs. Surprising. But a good pick. Berry's one of the safest selections in the draft.

Kansas City Chiefs select Eric Berry

Berry should be a mainstay in the Kansas City secondary for the next 10 years. The Ed Reed comparisons are a bit much, but Berry's a good bet to be at least a solid player. Very high floor on Berry.

At #6, Seattle has the first of their two first round selections and will probably go Okung. They badly need an OT. But Seattle could take Spiller, especially if they don't think Spiller, Clausen, or one of the defensive ends they like will be around at #14.

Russell Okung is wearing one of those "holy fuck, this guy's gonna blow his money in 4 years" type of watches.

Jon Gruden REALLY like C.J. Spiller, if you didn't catch that already. Christ.

Seattle Seahawks select Russell Okung

Best OT in the draft. Okung should keep Matt Hasslebeck reasonably upright next year. Now, at #14, Seattle can hope that Spiller, Clausen, or Dez Bryant are available. If they take Spiller or Bryant, that offense could become respectable again in a hurry.

Cleveland will apparently take a CB, meaning Oakland will be all that's standing between Buffalo and Clausen. Or Buffalo and Tebow, if you want to piss me the fuck off.

The Arizona Cardinals unveiled some new black uniforms. They're pretty fucking nice, actually.

Cleveland looks like they're taking Joe Haden.

Cleveland Browns select Joe Haden

Oakland is deciding between Spiller and Iupati. A RB when they took one #4 overall two years ago, or a fucking guard. Such a Raiders thing to do.

Joe Haden is, so far, my "most likely to completely washout" pick of the guys selected so far. that means exactly dick, but, you know, I thought I'd mention it.

Rolando McClain to Oakland?

Also, AJR just decided to send me a text saying "Tebow to Bills." As I said to him, "Fuck you."

Oakland Raiders select Rolando McClain

Now, McClain is a very, very good player. I like him alot. But McClain's a much better fit in the 3-4 than a 4-3, and the Raiders already have Kirk Morrison. But this is a much better pick than Darrius Heyward-Bey was last year. McClain's excelled in the SEC. Heyward-Bey barely got by in the SEC.

And Buffalo's on the clock. My preferences would be: (1) Clausen. (2) Bulaga or Anthony Davis. (3) C.J. Spiller (4) Jerry Hughes or Derrick Morgan (5) Dez Bryant (6) Dan Williams.

Well, holy shit.

Buffalo Bills select C.J. Spiller

Coulda been worse. C.J. Spiller doesn't fill a need, but he's a hell of a football player. I don't have a problem with going BPA if the guy is as good as Spiller.

Yes, Buffalo needs offensive line help. But the OT class is deep, and Spiller can help at RB and in the return game.

Jacksonville Jaguars select Tyson Alualu

What the fuck?

Jesus Christ. That doesn't make a damn bit of sense. Tim Tebow would have been a better pick there.

**trade** San Francisco trades up from the #13 spot to the #11 spot. Kyle Wilson? Jimmy Clausen?

San Francisco 49ers select Anthony Davis

Yes, I agree with Gruden. Shoot me. Davis is a quality football player, and the 49ers have a need at LT. Davis has a lower floor the Bulaga, but he also has a higher ceiling.

***trade*** San Diego trades up to #12. The Dolphins move back.

Miami was trying to move down all week, so this trade down wasn't surprising. San Diego probably goes RB, but this could be an OLB.

San Diego Chargers select Ryan Matthews

Well, there we go. Matthews and Sproles should be a nice RB tandem next year for San Diego.

Also, some of these fucking dances the draft prospects are doing are gayer than Earth Day. Doesn't anyone know the Cupid Shuffle, or the Stanky Legg, or the Booty Dew, or the modern equivalent of those three dances?

Also, I'm getting bored with writing (not the draft), so I increased the drinking. Hopefully that helps.

***trade*** Philadelphia jumps up to the #13 spot. Denver's now picking at the end of the first round.

Philly will apparently take Earl Thomas, but we'll see.

Philadelphia Eagles select Brandon Graham

Ah, the classic "shitty workout, great results" player. But I'm sure Philly fans are pissed anyway.

Graham's a pretty good player. I like him alot. But yeah, Earl Thomas is on the board, and the Eagles really, really need a safety. Weird choice.

Dez Bryant to Seattle here? He's probably worth the risk at this point, but we'll see.

Oh, and another thought: Denver trading down for Tebow? Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.

Schefter thinks Brandon Graham is the best pass rusher in this draft and will win Rookie of the Year. Duly noted.

Seattle Seahawks select Earl Thomas

Makes sense. The Seahawks were thought to be targeting Eric Berry, and Thomas is the next best safety on the board.

Guys who are surprisingly slipping: Bryan Bulaga, Jimmy Clausen, Dez Bryant, Derrick Morgan, Dan Williams. Bulaga and Morgan are the most surprising.

Gruden: "Earl Thomas reminds me of Brandon Meriweather." Man, he's pissed?

The Giants are up. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

New York Giants select Jason Pierre-Paul

Ooohhhh he's HAITIAN. WHAT A GREAT STORY!

Pierre-Paul's a classic "workout-warrior." Only played one year of D1A football, but can do all sorts of super athletic shit. Look at his backflips.

Yeah. That's the type of stuff that makes you a first round pick. Fuck producing on the field, like, say, Jerry Hughes, another OLB from a mid-major.

Anyway, Tennessee's up, and Pierre-Paul was supposedly their guy. Don't know what they'll do. But the 49ers have to be ecstatic Kyle Wilson is still on the board. They've got a huge hole at CB, and Wilson would be a day one starter.

Or the 49ers could be smart and take Jimmy Clausen to anchor their offense for the next 10 years, but Clausen may be too gay for San Francisco.

Schefter thinks the Titans are going Derrick Morgan. Which, actually, makes a ton of sense. I'm retarded. If Pierre-Paul and Graham weren't available, Morgan was a logical fallback. He fills than 3-4 OLB, pass-rush specialist guy very well.

Tennessee Titans select Derrick Morgan

San Francisco 49ers select Mike Iupati

Well, the Titans pick was logical. The 49ers? I mean, they've beefed up that offensive line. San Francisco should run the ball very well now, and Alex Smith should have plenty of time to throw. But they probably need to think about replacing Smith at some point, and that hole at corner isn't going away.

Still, when in doubt, address the offensive or defensive line. The 49ers have done that. They'll score more points next year, and probably enter 2010 as the NFC West favorite, with the retirement of Kurt Warner and other departures from the Cardinals.

Oh, Christ. Even I'm not going near making fun of this kid. Although it would have been REALLY funny if he changed the pick, or if the Jets fans booed him.

Pittsburgh Steelers select Maurkice Pouncey

Interior linemen go in back to back picks in the top 20. Interesting.

Also, how many people are out there thinking "THE STEELERS ONLY LET MAKE A WISH KID DO THAT TO MAKE UP FOR ROETHLISBERGER RAPING A GIRL"? Like, 75% of yahoo and PFT commenters?

AJR says that Clausen looks like "a faggot from St. Thomas." I cannot disagree.

Atlanta Falcons select Sean Weatherspoon

Good player. Not a great player, but Weatherspoon fits their defense well.

Schefter says Houston will take Kareem Jackson, a corner from Alabama. Why is Kyle Wilson dropping? Is the fact he's from Boise St. really that big of a problem?

Some asshole is going to say: When you're in the same division as Peyton Manning, you can NEVER have too many corners!

Houston Texans select Kareem Jackson

Don't know why the Texans ignored Kyle Wilson. They must think Jackson's a better scheme fit.

Cincinnati Bengals select Jermaine Gresham

Good pick. Carson Palmer's probably done, but at least this gives Palmer the option to not suck. Plus, Gresham opens up room for Ocho.

Also: hooray, the Gators are flaming.

The question: how does Tim Tebow feel about this? Considering his outspoken Christianity, he can't approve.

Denver is up with this pick, and apparently it will be Demaryius Thomas, the WR from Georgia Tech. With Dez Bryant still on the board.

Denver Broncos select Demaryius Thomas

Thomas doesn't have Bryant's character issues, but he's not nearly as talented or polished. He played in an option offense. He basically ran go routes his entire career at GT. He's got alot to learn, but he's high upside, just based on his natural ability.

I like that logic: "Josh McDaniels drafted Demaryius Thomas, because Thomas reminds McDaniels of Brandon Marshall." Brandon Marshall, who McDaniels just traded. Again, Josh McDaniels is a fucking idiot.

Green Bay Packers select Bryan Bulaga

Holy shit, I forgot Bulaga was still available. I'm probably drinking too quickly. Bulaga's great value at this spot, and Bulaga fills a huge need. He can, at the least, start at RT from day one. Great selection here.

If Baltimore gets Dez Bryant, well, goddamn. Bryant, Derrick Mason, Anquan Boldin, Ray Rice, Willis McGahee, and a solid offensive line? Joe Flacco's gonna be as well set up to succeed as any QB in the NFL.

YEEEHAW DALLAS IS FUCKIN' CRAZY!. The Cowboys just traded up, presumably to take Dez Bryant.

Dallas Cowboys select Dez Bryant

Well, talk about weapons on offense. Miles Austin, Dez Bryant, Jason Witten, Marion Barber, Felix Jones. Tony Romo should put up some nice numbers next year.

If you want to see a draft live blog who's more convinced of his own superiority than even Bill Simmons, read this. And remember, this guy watches as much film as you or me.

USA! USA! USA! USA!

Also, fuck. This thing is going to be over in an hour, and I'm drunk. Walking to the bar on a Thursday seems like a bad idea, but, well, not much else to do.

Nice fucking watch, Dez Bryant.

Denver Broncos select Tim Tebow

THANK YOU. I can now go to sleep in peace tonight.

Again, Josh McD is a fucking idiot.

See? Again, Josh McD saves Buffalo from themselves.

I love how Tom Jackson inexplicably hates Tim Tebow. I didn't see that coming, but I salute you, Tom.

Denver now has a drunk (Orton), a gay (Quinn), and Jesus at QB. Should be some fun meetings.

Arizona Cardinals select Dan Williams

Williams is a GREAT fit in Arizona. He'll give the Cardinals a pretty solid defensive line, with Williams, Calais Campbell, and Darnell Dockett up front.

Okay, here's where I REALLY start hoping the Bills trade up for Clausen. That would make my night.

Seriously, Tom Jackson is now, like, my new favorite guy. "You have to play in order to be a leader." That's what he said when talking about Tebow's intangibles, and how overrated that shit is. Love it. Love it.

When talking about the intelligence of the general public, I always say: "Think of the average person. Now realize that half the people out there are dumber than that." Along those lines, I'd like to give a passive-aggressive FUCK YOU to the majority of the Buffalo Rumblings community, a website who (outside of the guy who runs the site, who is a good dude and I like him and his site) overwhelmingly wanted the Bills to take Tebow. You can all eat a shit-covered Bible.

New England Patriots select Devin McCourty

Gruden says McCourtny was the boundary corner at Rutgers. The boundary corner? They're taking a boundary corner in the first round?

I mean, if that weren't the Pats making the pick, I'd be all "HAHAHA DUMBDUMBHEADS" and shit. But since it's the Pats, McCourtny will probably be a Pro Bowler.

Miami Dolphins select Jared Odrick

Good player. May not fill as big of a need as Jerry Hughes or Sergio Kindle would have, but Odrick should fit in well as a 3-4 DE in Miami.

Christ. If the Jets add Hughes or Kindle here (to pair with the recently signed Jason Taylor), they'll have one of the league's better pass rushes....and Darrell Revis and Antonio Cromartie in the secondary. They'll be able to score 14 points and win, like 14 games.

New York Jets select Kyle Wilson

Well, or that. Now the Jets are covered if Antonio Cromartie goes and, like, knocks up another three bitches. New York should have one of the NFL's best pass defenses again. Motherfucker, except that New York's more likely to go pussytubing in Dallas next February.

I'm going to laugh if the Vikings take a fucking tailback. Corner, OL, or DT. Those should be the options.

Actually, scratch that. Best idea I've heard?

The Vikings should draft LeGarrette Blount. Maybe he'd punch Favre.

DJ Gallo has been killin' it today.

Okayyyyy. Detroit trades up to the Vikes spot. They will not be taking a QB.

Detroit Lions select Jahvid Best.

Well, that's an excellent selection. Detroit needs a RB. Best has some injury concerns, but at this point, he's probably worth it.

As ESPN came back from commercial, Kiper and Gruden were talking about "dumbass coaches." Hehehe.

Indianapolis Colts select Jerry Hughes

Not a great workout guy, but great on-field production. He'll probably be a pure pass rusher, and maybe not a 3 down player, but at this point Hughes is worth the pick.

Indianapolis probably could have gone offensive line here, based on their struggles protecting Peyton Manning in the postseason. But they may not have felt an OT was worth this pick. I can't say I disagree.

New Orleans Saints select Patrick Robinson

Well, the Saints need DBs, even though they selected Malcolm Jenkins in the first round last year and signed Jabari Greer. A pass rusher may have been better, but yeah. Not bad.

So what does this mean? Jimmy Clausen is still on the board. That alone is enough to make me excited about tomorrow. How far does he fall? Does Minnesota take him at the top of the second round? Does Cleveland? Does Carolina get into position to take him? God, if Buffalo passes on him again....

Anyway, I've got a good buzz going, so I'm not gonna stick around any longer. Thanks for playing, gentlemen. To quote my man Ice Cube, today was a good day.* Good(k)night.

*Embedding on that video is disabled, so I can't link it here. Still, that is a phenomenal video and you should all watch it

Announcement: Upcoming NFL Draft Live Blog

2010-04-21T05:00:00.001-05:00

Are you planning to watch ESPN's telecast of tomorrow night's first round of the NFL Draft? Do you like to drink? Will you be alone and pantsless? Do you love America? Do you hate hippies?

If your answer to any of these questions, please join dmk, AJR, and all the other lovely homos that usually appear at this site for an NFL Draft live blog. The past two live blogs we've done have been hugely successful - and by hugely successful, we mean they existed.

Besides, tomorrow night's first round is chock full 'o characters to love or hate. Such as my man:

Christ. Between Jimmy Clausen and Brady Quinn, it's like Notre Dame rolls hateable QBs off a goddamn assembly line. But there's a difference between Quinn and Clausen. While Quinn's picture poses typically made him seem fabulously flamboyant, Clausen's pictures and history make him seem like the kind of guy who'd take your wife out, get her drunk, and try to fuck her while you're away on business, and then brag to you if he pulled it off. He's a cocky punk who probably deserved to get hit in the face in that bar.

And I fucking love him, and I hope to Jesus that Buffalo selects him at the #9 spot. Some of that desire is built from my belief that Clausen is the best QB prospect in this draft (better than Bradford, for a number of reasons) but it's mostly because I like to believe that if I were a successful athlete, I'd have the same cocky, "fuck off, I'm better than you" attitude that Clausen has (note: I would be far too much of a pussy to have this attitude). I admire cockiness much more than I admire a disingenuous humility.

Plus, in one of those pictures, Clausen looks like he's participating in a Beer Olympics type of event, and goddammit, I have to respect that.

Much more than I respect:

Again, it's been stated numerous times here, but fuck ANYONE who puts Bible verses on their eye black. I love that Tim Tebow's intangibles have probably vaulted a QB whose #1 weakness is "throwing the football" into a first round pick.

Still, there's at least one team who may select him early in the first round. That team? You guessed it. The fucking Bills. Tebow's rumored to be their QB of choice in the draft, and they're supposedly giving strong consideration to taking him #9 or trading up into the end of the first round to grab him.

What will I do if Tebow becomes a Bill? Well, besides become one of those queer "general football fans" without a favorite team until Tebow's no longer in Buffalo, execute my emergency Thursday evening plans. Which involve drinking one of these as quickly as possible after Buffalo's selection of Tebow:

Yes, that's the high gravity variety.

and then continuing the live blog, and just ignoring Buffalo's selection of Tebow, so that I don't David Carradine myself. Which would be fun. I won't blame anyone who pulls for that to happen.

Anyway, there's also:

C.J. Spiller loves America. And for that, we all have to love him.

See? I told you that if you love America, you'll have fun tomorrow night.

And also:

Dez Bryant's kind of a dummy, but he's cool enough to wear a "Freak Show Football" shirt. And he's also probably the offensive player with the highest upside in the draft.

Moving on:

Ndamukong Suh already has a name that means "House of Spears," which makes him the most honorable badass in the draft. Putting "House of Spears" on your shoes will make him the second most honorable badass in Detroit, next to RoboCop.

And finally:

Oh, shit. Wrong Bruce Campbell.

See you tomorrow. Wear your fancy hat.

A Hater's Guide to Target Field

2010-04-18T23:30:00.007-05:00

Pretty much every review of Target Field I’ve read has been overwhelmingly positive. If you’ve read anything about Target Field, I’m sure you’ve had the same experience. Still, if you haven’t been to Target Field yet, you may be wondering “Is this place really as perfect as people say?”

Well, let’s examine Target Field, from the perspective of someone who pretty much thinks everything Minnesota sports-related (with the inexplicable exception of the Timberwolves) can eat a bag of dicks.

Friday night, I made the trek to Target Field for the first game in the season ticket package I split with AJR and some other equally fabulous gays (AJR did not accompany me). Zack Grienke pitched like dogshit and the Twins won handily. But, really, I didn’t give a baker’s fuck about that, because I had the stadium to explore.

Fortunately for you all, I brought a dedicated Minnesota Wild season ticket holder with me to help out. As those of you who know him would expect, he was about as useful as tits on a bull, but we still managed to make it most of the way through the stadium. How was it? Let’s go.

Ballpark Neighborhood

Good: The light rail works great.

But if you drive, as I did, parking is ample and readily available, even on a Friday afternoon when you pull in to downtown Minneapolis around 5:30. Rent-a-cops are around the stadium controlling traffic, so you’re less likely to be inconvenienced by homeless people hassling you for money, people not following traffic signals, and someone going all Donte Stallworth on you.

Most of the bars around the park had decent happy hour drink specials. I went to O’Donovan’s (a.k.a O’Doyle Rules, as our Greek friend calls it), and they had some kind of cheap drink deal. Also, Seville’s Cabaret has a deal where you get in free with a ticket stub, and I think you get either a free drink or a free lap dance. Now, I fucking hate strip clubs, and would rather watch Joe Mauer give a motivational speech to a group of 9 year old Special Olympians than step foot in a strip club, but if you want to let a saggy-tittied 40 year old who’s been scraped more times than an 8 year old’s knee dry hump you for a modest price, then Seville’s has a great pre-game deal for you.

Bad: There aren’t any parking lots to tailgate. I know tailgating isn’t as big for baseball as it is for football, but I at least like to have the option to tailgate. So that’s gay.

Unfortunately, Minneapolis still hasn’t legalized murdering homeless people, and two of them, at different times, asked me for money. That was aggravating. Also, those people who wait on street corners (not hookers) and hand out cards to Gentlemen’s clubs are all over, and they still try to shove shit in your hand while you’re walking by. I wouldn’t mind shoving them onto the light rail tracks.

And I saw some hippie holding a sign of protest, which, again, rage, legalize murder, bring genocide upon everyone, and so on and so forth.

Overall: The neighborhood is put together pretty nicely. The bars have put out some decent deals for the games, and the traffic control was up to par. A rock solid effort.

Grade: A.

Plaza, Concourses, Walkways, Food, and Other In-Stadium Stuff That Doesn’t Actually Involve Watching the Game

Good: No more Dome Dogs.

Yeah, Dome Dogs may have tasted acceptable for the cheap price, but now the Twins have food that doesn’t look and taste like afterbirth. The new brats and dogs were pretty good. The cheese curds were okay – not as good as the kind they used to sell outside the stadium, but still acceptable (note: I once finished three orders of cheese curds in the time it took me to walk from the plaza outside the Dome to the entryway, so I may not be the best reference point). The burgers, chicken tenders, and sandwiches looked pretty good.

Target Field also has some “new, exciting” options like turkey legs, barbeque sandwiches, Cuban food (probably a big hit with the substantial Cuban population in the Twin Cities area), and a Mexican stand that served tacos and burritos but, unfortunately, did not have cockfights. There’s a bunch of ice cream and candy stands throughout the place. Beer varieties are excellent, in that you have a bunch of different options for getting drunk off water-downed beer. Enough concession stands exist to the point where no line is unbearably long.

The open concourses kick all types of ass. You can walk all the way around the stadium without having to miss anything, and the concourses are open air, which will be nice when it’s not cold. In theory, the concourses should be big enough to accommodate everyone, but more on that later.

The plaza that’s just inside the gate at 6th street (I think it’s 6th street) and in left field fucking rules. It’s big enough to hang out, but doesn’t become overcrowded, even when everyone is trying to get in that way before the game. I didn’t try watching the game from there, but I imagine you could do it and be in decent shape. And even if you couldn’t see the game decently, it’d be a nice place to stand and get hammered on a sunny day during the Summer.

Bad: I don’t know what Auggie Tech or UST grad they put in charge of ensuring that “person traffic” wasn’t congested, but holy fuck should that guy be fired and his family executed.

First, when you walk in the aforementioned plaza, the Twins pro shop (or whatever it’s called – the place where you go spend money on hats, shirts, and worthless shit) is straight ahead and to the left. The entrance is to the left of the escalators and walking ramp that get you up to the upper levels.

This design is fine, except for one thing: the fucking recipient of a Leadership Scholarship who’s been put in charge of making sure the Pro Shop isn’t overcrowded decided to place the queue to enter the pro shop in the same place as you’d wait to get onto the escalator (if you’re a GldnKnight) or walk up to the upper level (if you’re not a GldnKnight).

Yes, that seems kinda confusing, so I drew a picture. The boat represents a fuckboat of people standing around, trying to move into the stadium, while the dots represent a moderate amount of people trying to get into the pro shop and walk up the escalator. You can see me in the lower right hand corner with a gun to my head. Click to enlarge:

See what I’m saying? At all? (My handwriting blows).

The only access to the upper level on that side of the stadium is blocked by the queue for the Pro Shop. So you either had to wait 15 minutes to get upstairs, because the queue for the pro shop exacerbated the congestion in the line to get on the walking ramp or escalator (and, really, it was amazing to see how few people walked and how many waited for the escalator), or you could walk to the other side of the stadium, where this problem didn’t exist. I’m guessing this only happened Friday, because if it’s been around since Opening Day Mr. Auggie or Tommie should also be killed, along with his family.

Similarly, the same guy who fucked this up probably fucked up some of the problems with congestion in the concourses. Specifically, someone had the bright idea to place the moveable cart concession stands (you know, the ones that roll and look like carts that street vendors would serve hot dogs out of) in the narrowest part of the concourse.

This is a problem in some areas, because the narrowest part of the concourse is also where people stand to form a line to get into the bathrooms (which are very nice and would ensure a much more enjoyable banging experience than the Metrodome). And when people form a line for the bathroom AND people form a line to get food out of cart vendor man’s cart, you have a congestion problem that, again, made me want to go Natural Born Killers on the entire crowd. Again, picture:

[Note: I accidentally and regrettably left out the fuckboat of people from this prize-winning illustration, but that fuckboat would go in between the "line for dude's bathroom (on the left) and line for food court (on the right)]

But both of these problems are correctable, so long as whoever’s in charge of these minor layout details puts on their thinking cap and realizes “hey, there’s a better way to do this.” Aside from those fixable errors, the only real issues I have are that some of the concourses are too narrow (even without the layout brain farts), the walking ramps aren’t as big as they should be, and the people who scan the tickets are dummies and hold up the line. But whatever.

Overall: Yeah, there are some minor annoyances, but that’s the type of shit that happens in a new stadium. When the Twins fix that stuff, everything should work out fine.

Grade: A-.

In-Game Experience

Good: Nick Punto didn’t play, for one. That was a nice start.

I sat in Section 224, on the third base side. The seats don’t have an obstructed view in any way, and unlike in the Metrodome, you don’t have to tilt your head to see home plate. Also, from the third base side, you can see the Minneapolis skyline, which, for what is not exactly a major city, looks really nice at night.

The seats are comfortable. I heard someone say that they were small. That’s horse shit. Unless you’re a Wisconsin resident and/or some kind of seriously fat fuck, you shouldn’t have trouble fitting into them, although I can see where they may cause trouble if you’re a tall drink of water.

All of the scoreboards are great, and they have all the information you’d want. For example, the scoreboard out by the bullpen does stuff like display pitch count, which I love, because I absolutely hate having to look up a pitcher’s pitch count on my cell phone during the game because no goddamn scoreboard throughout the stadium displays it (note: I am gay for doing this, but whatever. Eat shit).

The big Twins sign in centerfield is pretty sweet, and looks great when it’s lit up at night. The fireworks are cool, if you’re into that. The announcer isn’t annoying. None of the concession workers who walk around selling food and beer are obnoxious.

Bad: Like all theme songs for professional sports teams, the “Twins Win” song (or whatever it’s called) sounds like what I imagine a partial-birth abortion sounds like, but, again, who gives a shit. No professional sports team has anything resembling a good theme song (Skol Vikings blows an AIDS patient, too), and at least the Twins song better than this.

The real problem is the outfield seats. Now, I cannot personally testify to this, as I haven’t sat in the outfield seats. But multiple people who HAVE sat in the upper levels of the outfield seats all tell the same tale: the outfield seats have seriously obstructed views.

Like, if you sit in the upper level in left field, you not only can’t see Delmon Young loaf to fly balls on the warning track, but you basically can’t see any of left field. And this is a major oversight. Because goddammit, I want to actually see Delmon Young take a ball off his forehead, or let a casual pop fly drop between him and JJ Hardy, and not just hear about it.

I know that Target Field was built on a very small plot of land, relatively speaking, but whoever designed this place needed to make sure that none of the seats had obstructed views. I have zero architectural background and can’t even pretend to know what I’m talking about in terms of better designs, but whatever needed to be done to ensure that no seats had obstructed views needed to be done. Whether that involved Wrigley Style bleachers (i.e. one level all the way around, with no upper level) or some other kind of weird set-up that my mind can’t possibly imagine, well, that needed to be done, because obstructed view seats simply shouldn’t happen when you’re building a new stadium.

Or, at the least, if you’re putting in obstructed view seats, they should be advertised as such, and you should account for them by adding more non-obstructed view seats. I’ve also heard the views in the non-outfield upper deck seats are partially obstructed, but that’s from stupid internet people, so I’m not believing that yet.

Overall: Target Field’s a pretty awesome place to watch a game. From the upper levels, even where I am, it’s not perfect, but it’s pretty solid. The obstructed view stuff is obviously a problem. But the lower level seats are unbelieveable, so they kinda make up for the other stuff. Kinda, not fully.

Grade: B+.

Summary

This ballpark really is great.

Target Field certainly has its flaws, and it will never be thought of as the best park in the country, but I can’t imagine any other new ballpark topping Pac Bell (or whatever San Francisco’s park is called nowadays). In terms of open air stadiums, Target Field has to be one of the top five newer (i.e. non-Wrigley and Fenway) stadiums. It has the cozy feel that was just a bit lacking at the Metrodome, and it has all the amenities that you’d want in a new ballpark.

Target Field is roughly 78,847 times better than watching a game at the fucking Dome. Even I can’t hate on this place very much.

Grade: A-.

This is Beyond Baseball

2010-04-11T11:58:00.008-05:00

Four years ago or so, I created a facebook group for my friends and me entitled, "Twins Ballpark Home Opener 2010." It was made around the time that the higher-ups of Hennepin County passed the 0.15 sales tax increase to fund an outdoor baseball park. The group was intended to get everyone excited about outdoor baseball in Minneapolis at Target Field, even though it was almost half a decade away.

A year ago or so, Major League Baseball debuted an advertising campaign which revolved around human interest aspects of different teams and players. I'll be honest, I get goosebumps every time I watch these commercials. It's now dawning on me that I will be a part of one of these moments tomorrow afternoon at 3 p.m.

A month ago or so, I went to the open house at Target Field to check out the new surroundings of our hometown nine. The memories I took from that day had nothing to do with the beauty of the park or the unique amenities that it presents. It was the amount on smiles on each and every Minnesotan's face that was at Target Field.

It's not often that a person knows they are going to be witness to a historical moment. I have that opportunity tomorrow and I cannot tell you how excited I am. I am sure I am not alone in Twins Territory when I say it is going to be hard keeping my emotions together in the moments leading up to the first pitch. Just thinking about the prospect this weekend, I have been getting welled up about how special it is going to be.

This is beyond a ballpark. This is beyond baseball.

F-ck That

2010-04-05T23:15:00.012-05:00

Fuck Duke. Fuck Coach K. Fuck anyone who can't see through his carefully crafted, public exterior. Fuck Jim Nantz, for being one of the people who can't see through Coach K's bullshit. Fuck Clark Kellogg for tanking a HORSE game. Yeah, it's the fucking President, but put in some goddamn effort.

Fuck Jon Scheyer. Hopefully, he's taking driving lessons from Bobby Hurley and Jay Williams. He's already taken doucheing lessons from, oh, every other Duke backcourt player that came before him. Fuck J.J. Redick, while we're on the subject. He looks like the type of guy who'd date-rape your girlfriend while you're out of town at your Grandma's funeral. Fuck his rap album too. Fucking prick.

Fuck Kyle Singler. Fuck Kyle Singler's Mom. She's a terrible cook, and she clearly doesn't give a shit about her other son's education. Fuck Brian Zoubek. Fuck Brian Zoubek's Dad, because he looked like a typical overbearing sports parent, and because the only response I could muster when he was shown on TV was "Fuck you, you fucking cockstop."

Fuck any and all Duke alumni. Fuck Richard Nixon. Didn't know he was a Duke alum? You bet your ass he was (J.D. in 1937). Fuck Drew Rosenhaus. You didn't know he was a Duke alum? Well, that's your fault, because, if you ever look into Rosenhaus' eyes, it's clear he has even less of a soul than Coach K.

Fuck the Cameron Crazies. Fuck anyone who reads from a cheer sheet, but doesn't know the difference between a hand check and a cross check. Fuck anyone who camps out for tickets, but wouldn't recognize Elton Brand as anything other than "that large colored fellow." Fuck any current Duke students. 80% of you are Northeast trash anyway. HEY CARTER, CHECK OUT MY NEW AEROPOSTALE SHIRT AND SEERSUCKER SHORTS! THEY'RE PERFECT FOR TAKING OUT DAD'S BOSTON WHALER THIS WEEKEND! THOSE SLUTS WON'T EVEN KNOW I PUT ANYTHING IN THE FIREFLY SWEET TEA! JUST LIKE THE LACROSSE TEAM DID IT!

In fact, fuck the past and present Duke lacrosse team. You play lacrosse, AND you attend Duke. You had that shit coming, and deserve anything and everything bad that happens to you in your entire life.

Fuck anyone who didn't attend Duke, but who roots for the Blue Devils. You're a front-running ass clown, and you're no better than Yankees, Red Sox, Cowboys, or Lakers fans. I hope you die in a fucking coal mine.

Fuck the NCAA Presidents and Conference Commissioners. It's your soft-skulled retardery that keeps the BCS in place and ensures NCAA football will NEVER have any matchup like tonight - a real, live, actual David vs. Goliath matchup. Instead, we simply get the two highest ranked teams from among the SEC, Big 12, Big 10, and Pac 10, regardless of what mid-major may be equally deserving of a chance at the National Championship. FUCK that.

Fuck the NCAA Presidents and Conference Commissioners again, this time for expanding the NCAA tournament to 96 teams. Think some shit like this, or like George Mason, happens with 96 teams, when there's another obstacle for Cinderellas to overcome? Think again.

But, most of all, fuck me. For ever doubting Butler, and for picking them to lose in the first round.

Butler: thank you. You turned what would otherwise have been a horribly mundane March and April into something special. You didn't deserve what happened in those final ten seconds tonight. But people rarely get what they deserve. This is just another example from the sports world.

2010 IHS Final Four Drinking Game

2010-04-02T08:31:00.001-05:00

I know the posts on IHS have been lacking in 2010, for which the contributors sincerely apologize. In fact, since October of 2009, we have not even averaged one post every two days and that is mostly a product of dmk's school commitments/future occupation and my laziness. One thing that will never be sacrificed, however, are the drinking games and with that I am pleased to present yet another in the ever growing line of ways to get you, the reader, completely shitcanned.

Last year's Final Four drinking game was another resounding success, even if dmk among others at our party believed Cirrhosis 2.0 was taking sports-related alcoholism to a new level. This year, I plan on keeping the pedal to the floor, and including a similar amount of drinking requirements to possibly give you the ability to fart, "Jesus Christ Has Risen Today" in the pews at church on Easter Morning.

Personally, I have an especially large rooting interest that involves winning my work's bracket pool in Saturday's nightcap between Duke and West Virginia. If the Mountaineers beat Coach K and the Blue Devils, then I will have taken home yet another title ...so I got that going for me, which is nice. Anyways, let's get down to business because WE GON DRINK.

Rules
Rule #1: Get a good night’s rest, eat as much as you can prior to commencement, and get a good seat for the action.

Rule #2: Do not play this game by yourself.

Rule #3: If you still want to play the game alone, go to the next meeting in your area.

(On second thought, its a holiday weekend so drinking solo is an accepted ritual. Disregard rules 2 and 3 for 2010.)

Rule #4: There will be no sipping, consistent drinking, or beer bongs to make up for the fact that some people fucking blow at drinking. If something in the next few paragraphs occurs which says drink, you fucking drink. For clarities sake, let’s say there are 8 drinks of beer in a 12 ounce bottle/can. If you are planning on drinking something other than beer for this contest, make sure your projectile vomit goes all over your bed, because you are an ass cunt.

Rule #5: If people cannot abide by these rules (especially #4), YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO PUNCH THEM IN THEIR PRIVATE PARTS. That means vagina jabs and penis punches for those who think they are too good for these stipulations. Hell, it was good enough for a few players in this year's NIT, so it damn well better be okay for the IHS faithful.

Rule #6: Make sure if there is limited space/viewing area, that the participants and those that actually enjoy watching the Final Four (aka not Women) are comfortable and unobstructed. This is a new rule after last year in which some ladies did not use common sense and common courtesy when watching the games.

Game Basics

- Before the each of the games start, everybody has to pick a team. You are either going to be on “Team Spartans” or “Team Bulldogs” in the first game of the evening and “Team Mountaineers” or “Team Blue Devils” for the second semifinal. The teams don't have to have even numbers. Everybody gets to choose which team they would like to root for (and drink with).

- There is a set of drinking guidelines printed below for all players involved, no matter your team affiliation.

Social Drinks

Drink 1 drink:

-Every time a player’s family member is shown from the team you have chosen. If there is more than one in the picture, drink one drink for each family member

- Every missed free-throw

- When Lucas Oil Stadium is referred to as the home of the Colts or Peyton Manning

Drink 2 drinks:

- Every time that an announcer refers to a break in the action as the "under (16, 12, 8, 4) timeout"

- Anytime a team goes on a double digit run (10+ straight points)

- If the fact that no #5 seed has ever won a National Championship is discussed.

Drink 3 drinks when:

- The topic of fan bases for the respective schools arises, Clark Kellogg says something to the effect of, "I have never seen so many crackers at a Final Four" or "The amount of fat honkeys that descended on Indianapolis is astounding".

- Announcers mention that just three times since 2000 has one or fewer #1 seed made the Final Four.

- A probable tournament expansion to 96 teams is discussed (Not cool, NCAA, not cool!)

Drink 1 Beer or Take a Shot:

- If Shawn Respert, A.J. Graves, Christian Laettner or Kevin Pittsnogle are shown in attendance at Lucas Oil Stadium

- If a half-court shot is made

- If Jim Nantz calls his wife a dumb cuntrag because of his messy divorce proceedings. DO NOT DRINK, however, if he admits to dating a woman 21 years his junior.

Team Spartans

Drink 1 drink:

- Every time Butler makes a 3-pt. basket

- If Michigan State's season-long injury problems are mentioned or if Kalin Lucas is shown in his walking boot.

- If Butler draws a charge against the Spartans

Drink 2 drinks:

- If an announcer alludes to the 10-year anniversary of the Spartans' 2000 National Championship in Indianapolis.

- If the Bulldogs convert an alley-oop

- When the fact that Michigan State was the nation's top rebounding team in 2010 with a +8.7 margin is touch upon or a graphic is shown.

Drink 3 drinks when:

- Butler scores over 80 points

- The fact that Michigan State set a record by advancing to the Final Four with a total margin of victory of only 13 points in its four NCAA Tournament games is mentioned.

- The Spartans 7-0 record all time in NCAA Tournament games played in Indianapolis is talked about.

Finish your beer or take a shot:

- When Minnesota's own Isaiah Dahlman is referred to as, "a poor man's Mark Madsen" or "the team's #1 cheerleader and #1 douchebag who never sees the floor."

- Any Spartan receives a technical foul

- If Michigan State loses

Team Bulldogs

Drink 1 drink:

- Every time Michigan State makes a 3-pt. basket

- When Butler's nation-leading 24-game winning streak is talked about

- If Michigan State draws a charge against the Bulldogs

Drink 2 drinks:

- If the Spartans convert an alley-oop

- When anything to do with Butler playing in its hometown is discussed. That can be anything from fans to campus proximity to having to attend class to fat white women.

- Gordon Hayward's high-school tennis prowess is discussed.

Drink 3 drinks when:

- Head Coach Brad Stephens age (32) is directly alluded to or if he is called young, up-and-coming or inexperienced.

- Michigan State scores over 80 points

- Butler's run to the Final Four is compared to the movie Hoosiers, which was filmed in the Bulldogs' home arena, Hinkle Fieldhouse.

Finish your beer or Take a shot:

- If a notable alumni discussion or graphic appears and the fact that Jim Jones...yeah, that Jim Jones is a Butler alumnus, causing a blow-hard to state, "Well let's just hope a Butler loss doesn't cause anyone to drink the kool-aid tonight."

(Note: I know I used a Jim Jones joke last year, but how can I leave out that tidbit in a drinking game? Seriously.)

- Any Bulldog receives a technical foul

- If Butler loses

Team Mountaineers

Drink 1 drink:

- Every time Duke makes a 3-pt. basket

- Everytime Truck Bryant's recent foot injury and expected absence or Joe Mazzulla's shoulder injury from a season ago are discussed.

- If Duke draws a charge on the Mountaineers

Drink 2 drinks:

- If the Blue Devils convert an alley-oop

- When West Virginia's 12-0 record in neutral site games in 2010 is brought up.

- The fact that a Big East team has not reached the National Title game since 2004 is mentioned.

Drink 3 drinks when:

- The only other West Virginia squad to reach the Final Four, the 1959 Mountaineer team, are alluded to and/or any members of that team are shown (including Jerry West).

- A picture or video montage of Bob Huggins's playing career at West Virginia is shown.

- The Blue Devils score over 80 points.

Finish your beer or take a shot:

- If WV Senator and noted segrationist Robert Byrd is reported dead of a heartattack because he just realized that the Mountaineers squad, "contained Negroes who were better suited to clean my damn mansion than to be on the floor with the master race."

(dmk's edit: apologies for interjecting into this wonderful game, but I should note that I'm taking a shot of moonshine if anyone wearing this "West Fuckin' Virginia" shirt appears on television. Also, if you know where to purchase this shirt, send me an email.)

- Any Mountaineer receives a technical foul

- If West Virginia loses

Team Blue Devils

Drink 1 drink:

- Every time West Virginia makes a 3-pt. basket

- When the fact the Duke is the only #1 seed to make the Final Four is talked about

- If the Mountaineers draw a charge on the Blue Devils

Drink 2 drinks:

- If Nolan Smith's evolution and improvement as a point guard from 2009 to 2010 is mentioned.

- If the Mountaineers convert an alley-oop

- The announcers bring up the fact that Duke and Coach K won their first National Championship in 1991 in Indianapolis.

Drink 3 drinks when:

- Jon Scheyer, Kyle Singler and Nolan Smith are said to be on their way to become just the third
trio in Duke history to each average over 17.0 points per game.

- The Mountaineers score over 80 points

- Duke's size and length advantage on the interior is mentioned or if their abundance of huge caucasians is subtlely referred to.

Finish your beer or Take a shot:

- When Jim Nantz reveals that Coach K has been dying his hair jet black for the last decade, because for christsakes, how many 63-year olds do not have a folicle of grey hair?

- Any Blue Devil receives a technical foul

- If Duke loses

**Per usual, some of these rules can be combined. Use your best discretion for those which fall into grey areas.**

IHS 2010 Minnesota Twins Preview

2010-03-31T05:00:00.002-05:00

Good at baseball. Awkward at life.

Hey, would you look at that. Baseball starts again in a week, and thank fucking God. It’ll be nice to have something worth watching on TV every night of the week. Archer re-runs are nice and all, but some variety would be splendid.

Instead of doing the 2010 Minnesota Twins preview in five parts, like I did last year, I’ll attempt to do it in one, long-ass article. Print if out if you need to. Let’s go.

Starting Pitching

The Twins return most of their starters from last year, and still have what I’d call an ideal regular season rotation. The rotation rolls deep, with all five of the Twins’ starters being well above average. Scott Baker’s a solid #2, Nick Blackburn and Kevin Slowey are good middle of the rotation starters, and Carl Pavano fills out the back of the rotation nicely. Whoever emerges to claim the #5 spot in the long run – and it likely will be Francisco Liriano, as he’s getting the first opportunity – should be, at the worst, an average #5 starter.

Some questions exist as to how the Twins’ rotation will play in the new ballpark. At this point, there’s no way to tell whether the park will be a hitter’s park or a pitcher’s park, but I’ve heard most people believe that balls will more easily fly out of the yard at Target Field than at the Metrodome.

If Target Field is more of a hitter’s park than the Metrodome, it won’t affect Nick Blackburn, who’s an extreme ground ball pitcher. But Scott Baker and Kevin Slowey, among others, would be adversely affected if Target Field ends up being a hitter’s park. Baker and Slowey are fly ball pitchers. They rely on the park and their outfield defense (more on that later) to turn the long fly balls they give up into noisy outs instead of home runs; ifTarget Field turns what was a long fly ball at the ‘Dome into a home run, that’s a problem for Baker and Slowey – and that problem is independent from the downgrade in outfield defense that’s sure to happen this year with the Young/Kubel-Span-Cuddyer OF.

Defense and park effects aside, the Twins’ rotation should be better than last year, provided Slowey comes back healthy. Retaining Carl Pavano was key. Pavano should be better than the jackasses Minnesota trotted out in the period of time between Slowey’s injury and Pavano’s acquisition last year. Expect Pavano to be an innings-eater who posts an ERA under 4.50 at the #4 slot.

Baker should be, well, Scott Baker – he’ll strike out a lot of hitters, walk very few hitters, but give up extra base hits and some home runs. Basically, he’s a #2 starter who can masquerade as an ace on the right day, but who’ll also turn in the occasional 2 IP, 7 ER day. His success is mostly dependent on whether runners are on base when he inevitably gives up a handful of extra base hits on any given day. Baker should be a little bit better in 2009 than in 2010, as he was the victim of some bad luck last year, but if Target Field plays as a bandbox, then Baker’s WHIP and ERA could shoot up.

Nick Blackburn’s 2009 season is repeatable, and the front office was smart to extend him, although I wouldn’t hold out hope that Blackburn turns into any kind of ace – he doesn’t have the strikeout numbers. Blackburn should be a bit worse, unless his mostly luck-based numbers are as good as last year, but the decrease in production shouldn’t be anything substantial, and there’s always a chance his control improves and he.

Kevin Slowey, if he’s healthy, should basically get the same results as he did in 2009, although, like Baker, that could also differ if the ballpark is a bandbox, because of his problem with extra base hits. And Francisco Liriano? Well, your guess is as good as mine. I’m not impressed by Winter League and Spring Training results. Pitching against lineups with 5-6 MLB hitters, tops, is much different from the regular season, and every year a handful of pitchers are said to be “revitalized” or “poised for a big year” because they can plow through lineups that are half-filled with guys who’ll be back in AA and AAA within a few weeks.

But who knows. Maybe this is the year Liriano figures it out. And if he doesn’t, maybe Brian Duensing can perform as a #5 starter.

Bullpen

Yes, losing Joe Nathan fucking KILLED this bullpen’s hopes of being an elite unit. But even without Nathan, the bullpen should be an average group. And overpaying for Heath Bell isn’t going to make this bullpen elite, anyway.

Matt Guerrier is a solid reliever who’s probably best in a 7th inning role, but Guerrier may be pressed into an 8th inning or rotational closer role (if the Twins decide to go with a closer by committee, as it appears they’re doing). Jon Rauch is in a similar position, except Rauch is better than Guerrier; Rauch could be a decent right-handed set-up man, and could fill in at closer in a pinch. But Rauch won’t be an elite back of the bullpen guy like Nathan was.

Jose Mijares is fine as the first lefty out of the bullpen in crucial situations. Clay Condrey is acceptable as a depth pitcher who can contribute in the 6th and 7th inning. With Rauch, Guerrier, Mijares, and Condrey, the Twins have a solid back of the bullpen – if those four pitchers are options 3-6 in the bullpen, the Twins are in VERY good shape.

But what the Twins are missing is a bona fide set-up man and, with Nathan’s absence, a bona-fide closer. They may be able to fill either the set-up man or closer internally, but they’re not going to be able to fill both roles without going outside the organization.

Regarding the set-up role, Rauch is a good fit, but Pat Neshak is the wild card. Neshak could become that set-up man eventually, but he’ll probably need some time to get his arm right. Counting on a substantial contribution from Neshak before June is foolish.

Until the summer, Rauch will probably have to hold down the fort at the set-up position, and maybe even the closer role. If Rauch serves as the closer to begin the season, he’ll probably be able to tread water, but don’t expect to see him in the All Star game.

As to other internal options, at this point in Francisco Liriano’s career, it may be better for the Twins to use him out of the bullpen, and put him in a closer committee with Rauch, Neshak, and Guerrier. I don’t see Liriano ever posting any better than #4-#5 starter numbers, and Brian Duensing and Glen Perkins (when he’s healthy) could probably replicate that production over the course of a season.

But the Twins seem to want to give Liriano one more shot in the rotation. Maybe that’s smart, as maybe they see something that leads them to believe he’ll break out this year. As already explained, I don’t see that, but I’m also not down in Ft. Myers every day.

If the Twins don’t want to move Liriano to the bullpen, they have two options. They can go with what they have, and use Rauch/Guerrier/Mijares/whoever they deem appropriate in the closer role. This appears to be what they’re doing, at least to begin the season.

If the Twins so chose, they go outside the organization to pick up a bona-fide closer. The big name brought up has been Heath Bell, but he’s probably too expensive. For example, last year at the trade deadline, the Marlins were looking at Bell, and the Padres asked the Fish for Andrew Miller AND Logan Morrison (a top 25 prospect in all of baseball) for the 32 year old closer. That’s essentially the equivalent of a Glen Perkins and Aaron Hicks package (Perkins being a little worse of a trade chip than Miller, Hicks a little better than Morrison). And that’s too much to pay for a closer. They need to find a closer who’s cheaper than Heath Bell.

If they look outside the organization, and decide Bell is too expensive, Minnesota can either wait until the trade deadline to find a cheap closer, or they can go after a different guy they’ve been linked to: Jason Frasor. Frasor, currently a Blue Jay, isn’t dominant by any stretch of the imagination, but he’s a quality, dependable arm who could slot in perfectly in a closer by committee with Rauch, Neshak, and Guerrier. A bullpen of Frasor, Rauch, Neshak, Guerrier, Mijares, Condrey, and some random long reliever is deep, fairly talented, and, overall, pretty good. Throw Liriano into that grouping, and the bullpen could be one of the AL’s best.

In short, I’d bet the Twins go with either Rauch or a closer by committee for the season’s first few months, and re-evaluate everything in June. Around June 1, the Twins can see how Rauch is performing, if Liriano’s working out in the rotation, and if Neshak is back to full health. The Twins can then adjust accordingly.

Outfield

A long story short: this outfield should be as good at the plate as they are bad in the field.

Delmon Young had a nice run at the plate last September. Will that continue? I have my doubts. Regardless, Young has always hit lefties well, so he should play against them, at the least. Especially when considering that Jason Kubel is fucking atrocious against lefties. Seriously, look at his splits. Against right handed pitching, Kubel’s 2009 Joe Mauer. Against left handed pitching, he’s 2009 Nick Punto. Against righties, Young should sit down, with Kubel in LF and Thome at DH. Against lefties, Young should play the outfield, while someone who’s NOT Jason Kubel is the DH.

Still, no matter who plays LF, the defense is going to be awful, as both Delmon and Kubel are the “nice route, Magellan” type of outfielders. Delmon has problems defensively because he’s lazy, while Kubel has problems in the outfield because he’s unathletic. The reasons for their poor play notwithstanding, Kubel and Young are both poor outfielders range-wise. On the plus side, both Young and Kubel have adequate arms for LF.

Denard Span shifts from LF to CF, and that shift could put Span in the All Star game. Span’s bat was average for a LF, but for a CF, it’s one of the league’s best. Unfortunately, Span’s glove isn’t one of the league’s best. The Twins lose a ton of range by replacing Carlos Gomez with Span, and Span doesn’t have anything near Gomez’s arm, either. When looking at the move from both an offensive and defensive perspective, the CF position probably isn’t any better in 2010 than it was in 2009.

Michael Cuddyer had a career year in 2009, and, like Joe Mauer, probably will be good again in 2010, but not quite as good as he was in 2009 – expect an OPS closer to .820 than .860, as Cuddy benefitted from an unusually high HR/FB% in 2009. Cuddyer also has problems defensively, specifically with his range and his routes to fly balls, but Cuddy’s plus arm partially makes up for his other fielding deficiencies. He’s an above average right fielder, but he’s not a piece to build a franchise around.

The Twins outfielders should all be above average at the plate. Denard Span can rake for a CF, Kubel mashes righties, Young hits well enough against lefties, and Cuddy’s a pretty good player himself. Still, for all the benefit they’ll bring on offense, this outfield is going to cost runs defensively – especially when fly ball pitchers like Baker and Slowey are on the mound. How many runs they cost depends on how Target Field plays, but a few times this season, expect to be pulling your hair out because of another fielding gaffe from a Twins outfielder.

Infield

Over the offseason, the Twins massively upgraded the infield. Orlando Hudson should be better both offensively and defensively than the cauldron of suck the Twins employed at 2B in 2009. J.J. Hardy struggled with the bat in 2009, but he’s a plus fielder and should help the Twins’ defense, even if his bat never comes back. All Hardy needs to do is post like a .725 OPS with a reasonable OBP to be an excellent all-around player. And, based on his 2009 peripherals and 2010 projections, Hardy should rebound to something like a .250/.315/.420 line, at the least.

Justin Morneau returns at first base. Assuming he’s healthy, Morneau should continue to be one of the league’s best first basemen. Sure, his defense could use some work, but when Morneau’s bat is as good as it has been, defense can take a back seat.

At third base, the Twins figure to employ a platoon between two players best served as utility infielders: Nick Punto and Brandon Harris. Harris has a capable bat, especially against lefties, but his defense leaves things to be desired. Punto’s excellent with the glove, and he’s all gritty and shit, but he can’t hit worth dick. When compared to the rest of the American League,the Twins' third base production figures to be below average .

Still, all Punto and Harris have to do is play good defense and put up #9 spot worthy numbers at the plate. They can do that, and if not, the Twins can find a cheap replacement at the trade deadline, as they did last year when they picked up Orlando Cabrera. If Danny Valencia hits well at AAA, the Twins could even look to upgrade at 3B by promoting Valencia in June or July, before looking outside the organization.

At catcher, Joe Mauer’s back, with an 8 year contract extension in hand. Mauer’s extension removes a potentially huge elephant in the room, and, all in all, is a pretty reasonable deal for both sides. It may be a year or two too long, but Mauer also took a bit of a discount in accepting $23 million per year. There’s not much to complain about in that deal.

On the field, unlike last year, Mauer’s healthy to begin the season, although he may make a customary DL trip at some point. Still, Mauer should again post terrific numbers. It’s probably asking too much for Mauer to repeat his 2009 season – after all, that 2009 was one of the best seasons from a catcher in MLB history – but asking for, say 85% of Mauer’s 2009 production is reasonable. And that’s roughly what I’d expect out of Mauer – another tremendous season, but not quite as good as 2009. Mauer certainly has the capability to improve on his 2009, but it’s more reasonable to expect something like a .415 OBP/.950 OPS, as opposed to a .440 OBP/1.031 OPS. The former would still make him the frontrunner for the AL MVP.

On the bench, the Twins added Jim Thome. Thome literally can’t play first base anymore – he hasn’t played the field in years, and when he was traded from the Sox to the Dodgers last summer, he told the Dodgers he’d only play the field in an “extreme emergency.” But Thome’s bat should help at DH and off the bench. He’ll be an asset against right-handed pitching.

The rest of the bench is pretty average. The loser of the Harris-Punto pillow fight has one bench spot, and Alexi Casilla has another. Wilson Ramos may be MLB ready, but I’d bet the Twins keep him in AAA, to delay his arbitration/service time, and go with Drew Butera as the backup catcher, so long as Butera is healthy.

The Twins probably won’t keep around a backup OF who can play CF in a pinch. Jacque Jones has had a nice spring, and he may have been a decent option off the bench, but whatever. Jones can’t play CF, and Alexi Casilla has more upside. If Jones ends up walking away instead of heading to AAA, the Twins don’t lose much.

Outlook

Prior to Joe Nathan’s injury, I had the Twins pegged for 90-91 wins…and another exit in the ALDS. Without Joe Nathan, the Twins should be able to win 87-88 games…and still lose in the ALDS.

This Twins team is built to survive the regular season. The rotation is deep. The lineup should score enough runs. The bullpen has enough arms to cycle through and not be crushed if one fails to perform. The defense is adequate. The deep rotation, offense, deep bullpen, and average defense are enough to get the Twins to the postseason.

But the Twins don’t have the ingredients to go far in the postseason. Specifically, they lack an ace at the top of the rotation and 2-3 power arms in the bullpen.

The bullpen problem could have been overcome if Nathan was healthy and Neshak’s return was strong. But the lack of an ace wasn’t going to be overcome, and that lack of an ace is going to continue keeping the Twins from having postseason success.

The Twins can succeed in the regular season, because even without an ace, Minnesota’s #2-5 starters are as good as most other teams' #2-5 pitchers, and the Twins are one of the AL's premiere offensive ballclubs. But in the postseason, when a team only uses three starters, the Twins suffer without that ace at the top of the rotation. The Yankees can throw CC Sabathia, and count on a 7 inning, 2 run performance, while the Twins have to hope Scott Baker pitches out of his mind to give the same performance. And when the Twins go down the rotation against someone like the Yankees, the Twins only match up well with the #3-5 pitchers in the rotation. In the playoffs, that’s what costs Minnesota a division series or LCS. And even with a healthy Joe Nathan, that problem wasn’t going to be fixed.

The 2010 Twins should be good. Maybe even very good. Even without Joe Nathan, the Twins have enough talent to repeat as AL Central Champions – partially because the AL Central should once again be mediocre, partially because the Twins are a solid ballclub. If Minnesota gets a few breaks, they could, maybe, even advance to the ALCS. But until the Twins can find a true ace – whether that ace come from outside the organization or internally – the Twins’ ceiling will always be the ALCS.

Pick: 87-75, AL Central Champions

Donovan McNabb and the Vikings

2010-03-28T14:00:00.006-05:00

Donovan McNabb is, again, on the trade block, and it looks like this is the year the Eagles finally, moronically, dump him. If you believe Adam Schefter, Philadelphia has already guaranteed Kevin Kolb the starting job next year. The Eagles aren’t going to bench McNabb for Kolb, even if Kolb is the better quarterback going forward (which he’s probably not), just like the Packers wouldn’t have benched Brett Favre for Aaron Rodgers, even if Rodgers was the better quarterback going forward (which he probably was).

Instead, the Eagles are going to trade McNabb.

Reports are the Eagles are looking for “a top 42 pick” (a pretty fucking arbitrary number, no?) or “a combination of picks and players” (a profound statement from the reporter). And that’s where the Vikings come in: wisely, Donovan McNabb has told Oakland and Buffalo to fuck the fuck off, because Donovan doesn’t want to be part of the massive rebuilding jobs in those two shitshanties. McNabb’s said that his first choice is to be a Viking.

The Vikings currently have an opening at quarterback, because, for some reason and to the surprise of many, Brett Favre hasn’t yet announced his decision as to whether he’s playing in 2010. Unprecedented for him, I know. Completely out of character. But the Vikes are apparently willing to wait out Favre, mostly because Ziggy has some kind of faux-loyalty to Favre, based on Favre's lone year of service, which is further proof that Ziggy’s probably a fucking Nazi (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

But should the Vikes wait out Favre? Is Brett Favre really a better fit for them, in 2010 and for the foreseeable future, than Donovan McNabb?

Fuck and no, he is not.

Now, at this point, you might be saying something like: “oh, sure, dmk. You’re going to be unbiased in this. You fucking DEPLORE everything about Favre. I’m pretty sure you’ve hoped for his death more than you’ve hoped for anyone else’s death, at least anyone else you’ve written about. Pardon me if I don’t take you seriously, cockslot.”

My reply to this would be two parts:

(1) you should never take me seriously. I’m a fucking stroke.

(2) I’m capable of hating a person but acknowledging their skill/fit for a particular team (see: Terrell Owens to Buffalo).

And Donovan McNabb is a better investment for the Vikings than Brett Favre. Why?

Age: Brett Favre’s going to be playing as a 41 year old next season. Donovan McNabb will be turning 34 during the 2010 season.

Favre has, what, one more year left? Maybe two, and I’d seriously doubt Favre will be returning at age 42 and still be one of the NFL’s best quarterbacks, like he was last season. With Favre, the Vikings probably have one year left of an elite offense before they turn the reigns over to the Tarvaris/Sagecopter shitshow and go back to having an average offense.

McNabb isn’t a spring chicken at 34. But he should, at the least, have 3 years of excellent performance left. And it’s no stretch to say he can give 4-5 years of very solid production. QBs typically don’t fall off a cliff the same way that players at other positions do. McNabb doesn’t have nagging injuries in his past that indicate he’ll age poorly, he doesn’t have concussion problems that may force an early retirement, and he’s been relatively healthy throughout his career (vomiting in the Super Bowl is not an injury).

McNabb should be around for 4-5 years, which is perfect. Because Adrian Peterson’s probably got 4-5 years of peak performance left, before his punishing running style catches up to him and his production promptly falls off a cliff.

Physical Ability: McNabb can be extremely frustrating to watch. Thanks to his very inconsistent, mostly shitty mechanics, his accuracy can go from pinpoint to “waydafuggoff” on a game to game basis, and there’s no way to tell which Donovan you’re getting until the game starts. That’s just the way he is, because of his mechanics.

But even at his shittiest, McNabb’s still a very good quarterback. He has the arm strength necessary to make all the throws, and he’s mobile enough to move around in the pocket when the Vikings’ less than impressive pass protection breaks down. And because McNabb’s only turning 34, the Vikes wouldn’t have to worry about this physical ability going out the window in the immediate future, like they’d have to with Favre.

Familiarity With The Offense: Like Favre, McNabb is very familiar with the Vikings’ offensive playbook. Like when Favre came to Minnesota, there’d be very little, if any, adjustment period for Donovan, were the Vikes to bring him aboard. This familiarity isn’t so much of an advantage for McNabb as it is not a disadvantage.

Past Success: Donovan’s led his team to five NFC title games and one Super Bowl. Yeah, he’s never won a Super Bowl, and he’s lost four NFC title games. But let’s not make Brett out to be some kind of Tom Brady-like uber-winner. Dude won one Super Bowl, and it was largely thanks to Desmond fucking Howard. Like McNabb, Favre has a history of choking in big games (see: Super Bowl XXXII, NFC title games in 2008 and 2010).

Past success isn't necessarily indicative of future performance, but if you're going to argue that Favre's likely to do well because of his past success, then the same argument works for McNabb. Also, “winners” don’t really exist, but if they did, Favre wouldn’t be much more of a winner than McNabb, especially at this point in their respective careers.

Less Prone to Brain-Melting Decisions: McNabb has faults, such as nearly throwing up in the Super Bowl, attending Syracuse, not knowing the rules of overtime, and hanging out with Terrell Owens. But McNabb also doesn’t make the “hey look at me I’m just a kid having fun out there let’s throw this up and see what happens” decisions Brett makes, such as when Favre decides to force the ball into a receiver covered by five people, or pass up an easy 8 yards and a field goal to throw the ball back across his body.

So, you know, the Vikes might get blown out because McNabb can’t hit a woman from the kitchen on that particular day, but they won’t lose in a soul crushing manner because of a critical mistake at the end of the game. I guess that's an improvement.

Not a Douchebag:

McNabb hasn’t fucked his way through most of Philadelphia’s women, like Brett has in Green Bay. He’s never been called a hero for getting himself addicted to vicodin and being forced into treatment. He doesn’t have a relationship with Peter King. He doesn’t waffle over retirement ever year. He’s never made unsolicited phone calls to other teams to tell them an ex-team’s audibles. He doesn’t make Wrangler commercials. He doesn’t make the national media drop to their knees quicker than your sister.

What McNabb does do is attend offseason workouts, show up to camp on time, and not make himself a media circus. He plays football, and he plays very well, and he does so without dictating that he's the center of attention. At least publicly, his actions and words indicate he cares more about the team than himself. Novel concept.

Basically, McNabb brings the production of Favre, without all the off the field bullshit. Which is nice. It’d be lovely for the Vikes to have a likeable quarterback again. What’s it been, since Randall Cunningham?

I can’t see a scenario where the Vikings tell Brett Favre the equivalent of “tits or GTFO” and Favre decides to retire. If Favre doesn’t make a decision until a week before the season starts, Chilly and Ziggy won’t care. But they should.

If the price isn’t a first round pick - and it doesn’t look like it is – then the Vikes should jump on the opportunity to acquire Donovan, and they should do so immediately. Hell, they could even recoup a draft pick by dealing Sage to the Raiders.

By acquiring Donovan McNabb, the Vikes would end the uncertainty surrounding their QB situation. Minnesota could count on having excellent pieces at the skill positions for the foreseeable future. Donovan, AP, Sidney Rice, Percy Harvin, and Visanthe Shiancoe would all be around that 4-5 year period. No matter how much the defense regressed when the Williams Wall retired, the offense would remain among the league’s best with a McNabb-AP-Rice core. And they’d do so for more than one year, which wouldn’t be the case with Favre.

Ask yourself this: last offseason, if you were given the choice between Favre and McNabb, who would you have chosen? I’m guessing – or at least hoping – you’d have chosen McNabb. Your answer should be the same this offseason. McNabb’s just as productive, younger, and less of a distraction. He’s a better option as the Vikings QB, for both the present and the future.

douchebag pic via

Butler's Shelvin Mack Has A Message For Syracuse

2010-03-25T22:30:00.005-05:00

FUCK YOU, Doughboy. I can read. You see this shoe? It says Adidas.

.

I Hope This Is True

2010-03-23T19:37:00.007-05:00

This story about my favorite draft prospect and yours, Timothy Q. Tebow IV, is passed on from the, uh, less than reliable Mike Florio at PFT. That said, sweet baby Jesus I hope it's true, because it's fucking hilarious.

At the Scouting Combine, the Wonderlic exam is administered to players in groups. The 12-minute test is preceded by some brief instructions and comments from the person administering the test.

Per a league source, after the person administering the test to Tebow's group had finished, Tebow made a request that the players bow their heads in prayer before taking the 50-question exam.

Said one of the other players in response: "Shut the f--k up." Others players in the room then laughed.

If this is true - and that's a big if - I have two points:

1. I want the Bills to take the guy who said "Shut the fuck up" with the #9 overall pick. I don't care if the guy was Jevan Snead, or Eric Decker, or some other similarly worthless asshole. That guy can play for my team any day.

2. Hopefully Tebow takes the hint that attempting to shove your religion down other people's throats is a bad idea, and stops doing shit like writing Bible verses on his eyeblack (not that the NFL would allow that anyway). For his own sake, if nobody else's. But the guy got an 880 on his SAT, so he ain't exactly the sharpest crayon in the box, and probably won't take the hint.

Still, I doubt the accuracy of this story, or that it will dissuade Tebow. Part of the reason Tebow may catch heat for his overt, in-your-face Christianity is that he hasn't accomplished dick in the NFL yet. If Tebow ever does accomplish something, he'll be able to say whatever the fuck he wants, and ain't nobody gon' stop him. Just look at Kurt Warner. That guy's on his knees more than Lindsay Lohan, but nobody cares because he's, like, awesome (or was, before he retired).

Once Tebow finds some success in the NFL - and, unfortunately, I think he will - he'll be able to go all God-squad on the heathens, and nobody will say shit about it, because he's good. At least as long as Tebow ignores that he's breaking Jesus' rules by working on Sunday and touching a pigskin. And, if you believe Jacory Harris, by being face-deep in Gainesville gash.

Just to Wet Your Appetite

2010-03-22T21:03:00.008-05:00

Here are some cell phone quality photos from this weekend's openhouse at Target Field. I will vouch for the fact that everyone in attendance had an ear-to-ear grin on their face when taking in the ballpark and its surroundings...and that was before the Mauer signing.

Downtown Minneapolis from our seats in Section 224.

Concourses wide enough that even GldnKnight's ass should have room to maneuver.

Budweiser Roof Deck and ginormous HD scoreboard.

Yeah, I'd say this place is going to be tits.

Baby Jesus is Signed

2010-03-21T16:52:00.002-05:00

Eight years and $184 million later...Amen.

Child, Please

2010-03-18T20:22:00.008-05:00

I was an avid supporter of Tim Tebow and his performance as a college football player at Florida. He will go down as one of the most successful quarterbacks in the game's history, but his prospects as an NFL quarterback? Ehh, not impressed. If you want a comparison, think more Chris Leak or Troy Smith than Randall Cunningham.

I was and am not and will never be, however, very big on the side show which he commands due to his humanitarian efforts and outspoken beliefs. But his sideshow and the media's love affair with it are the only reasons I can understand this:

"On the heels of an impressive workout at Florida's pro day, league sources say that Tim Tebow is among those players who have been invited to New York for the April 22-24 NFL draft."

If anyone can tell me why Tim Tebow would be taken prior to the third round, then I'm all ears. If it has anything to do with character or leadership or intangibles, then you can spare me from your stupidity.

AJR26's First NCAA Tournament Preview of the Decade

2010-03-16T21:10:00.017-05:00

This upcoming summer, I will celebrate being on this earth for one-quarter century. That means that I am roughly one-third of the way though life and I will officially be closer to 30 years old than 20 in a few months. That is a rather frightening prospect if you ask me. In all honesty, I have no idea where these last five years have gone, but I am sure a handful of my memories during the last half-decade have been forgotten due to excessive substance abuse.

Not quite as scary, but equally as depressing, is the fact that this story will be the fifth consecutive year in which I have previewed the NCA A Tournament, two of which have appeared on this very unheralded blog. If you've been unable to read any or all of them, let me recap what has transpired:

2006:
The Good - #4 seed LSU and #2 seed UCLA in Final Four; 7-4 in Upset Picks.
The Bad - Picked #11 George Mason to lose in Opening Round and missed on National Champion Florida

2007 (Column lost somewhere on a Carleton College computer):
The Good - 8 of 8 in Elite Eight, 4 of 4 in Final Four, and correct National Champion Florida
The Bad - Missed on Vandy and UNLV in Sweet 16 and 2-7 in Upset Picks

2008:
The Good - 3 of 4 Final Four Teams, both Championship Game teams and Kansas as National Champion.
The Bad - Missed on Xavier & Davidson to Elite Eight

2009:
The Good - I didn't get all the games wrong, though I sure tried.
The Bad - 3 of 4 Final Four Teams wrong. Picked too many upsets in a tournament which was straight chalk into the Sweet 16 (14 of top 16 seeds qualified). PICKED FUCKING GONZAGA FOR THE FINAL FOUR. Not one of my finer moments.

This brings us to this 2010 and a whole new decade. Will my March Madness rules hold or can I possibly suck more than last year? Let's find out.

(AJR26's Note: An addendum to the original rules is that you should always pick at least seven upsets in the first two rounds. I define an upset as anything with a larger discrepancy than one line...an eight-nine or four-five matchup does not qualify. Don't be a pussy, there will be upsets.)

Midwest Regional (St. Louis)

Top Seeds: #1 Kansas, #2 Ohio State, #3 Georgetown
Sleepers: #10 Georgia Tech, #11 San Diego State

I wrote after working at last year's NCAA tournament games at the Metrodome that I believed Kansas was a near shoo-in at the 2010 Final Four. I still think that is the case. The Jayhawks have a rotation of seven to eight players that is second to none in the country this season. That being said this bracket is stacked with Georgetown and Ohio State who could be Final Four participants in another regional. The #4 Terps and #5 Spartans could even catch fire and make a run to Indy, but that would require a takedown of Bill Self's Jayhawks and I just don't see that happening.

1st Round Upsets:
#10 Georgia Tech over #7 Oklahoma State - No real reasoning here, just a hunch because of the amount of talent on Tech's team. Another possible upset is SDSU over Tennessee, but for some reason I think Bruce Pearl and his embattled squad will post at least one victory in this tournament.

2nd Round Upsets: None

Regional Final: #1 Kansas over #2 Ohio State
The Buckeyes possess the best player in the tournament in Evan Turner, but Kansas is the best team. I think that Kansas will allow Turner go for 30+ points and shut the rest of Ohio State's players down in order to advance to Indianapolis. Plus, there ain't no way Dallas Lauderdale can stick with Bloomington's own Cole Aldrich.

West Regional (Salt Lake City)

Top Seeds: #1 Syracuse, #2 Kansas State, #3 Pittsburgh
Possible Sleepers: #7 BYU, #12 UTEP, #13 Murray State

The West Regional has the potential to be pod which busts your bracket. All of the teams from #13 Murray State to #6 Xavier have the potential to spring upsets and advance to the Sweet 16. And yes, that range of teams does include both #9 Florida State and #8 Gonzaga which will have to get past #1 Syracuse which will be without big man Arinze Onuaku.

1st Round Upsets:
#12 UTEP over #5 Butler - The Miners are another team which is underrated at #12. I know its cliche, but the 5-12 matchup always seems to produce an upset and I believe that Butler be the victim. Either way, the winner of this game should have a good chance to get to Salt Lake City because...

...#13 Murray State over #4 Vanderbilt - The Racers have the most victories in the tournament and are playing a Vanderbilt team from the uber weak SEC. In fact, if it weren't for Kentucky, you could make a case that the Southeastern Conference is the 8th or 9th best in the nation. The Commodores have shown flashes of brilliance this season, but I just have a hunch that Murray State will spring the opening round's biggest upset. The biggest reason behind my inclination is because Vanderbilt is a poor defensive unit, ranking just 64th in defensive efficiency.
In fact, if Vandy does happen to escape the Racers, then I like either UTEP or Butler to eliminate them in the second round.

2nd Round Upsets:
#7 BYU over #2 Kansas State - I'll admit, I talked myself into this pick. For some reason, BYU is very highly rated by the computers, but they were given a relatively low seed considering their Mountain West counterpart New Mexico was on the three-line. To me, the Cougars are at least worthy of a #5 seed and they will prove it downing K-State to advance to the Sweet 16. POLYGAMY FOR ALL!!!

Regional Final: #1 Syracuse over #3 Pittsburgh
Every year after the Super Bowl (when I really start paying attention to college basketball), I write down a half-dozen or so names that I believe could advance to the Final Four. This year my list was Kansas, Kentucky, Syracuse, Purdue, Villanova, and Duke. Depending on the matchups, I usually try to stick to my guns and compose a Final Four with these teams. You'll see that off this list, Kentucky and Duke were both left out of the show by AJR26 for matchup (or experience) purposes. I do believe the Orange as long as they are healthy, will defeat their Big East rival in a knock-down, drag-'em-out Elite Eight battle.

East Regional (Syracuse)

Top Seeds: #1 Kentucky, #2 West Virginia, #3 New Mexico
Possible Sleepers: #10 Missouri, #11 Washington

The East has a nice balance to the bracket, as their are a couple of lower seeds which could pose problems to both Kentucky and West Virginia. The #3 seed New Mexico is highly overrated, but #4 Wisconsin and #5 Temple are both solid teams flying under the radar of the national pundits. As long as both teams play to their potential, however, I think they are on a collision course to the Carrier Dome.

1st Round Upsets:
#10 Missouri over #7 Clemson - Is it me or does Clemson always seem to suck in the NCAA tournament? Couple that with the fact that Missouri's Mike Anderson is a "40 Minutes of Hell" disciple from Arkansas and that spells trouble for Clemson and their shaky guards.

#11 Washington over #6 Marquette - Washington is one of the hottest teams entering the tournament and they have a couple of playmakers who could be difference makers against the Golden Eagles.

2nd Round Upsets: #11 Washington over #3 New Mexico - If you're like me, you are probably wondering how in the hell New Mexico snagged a #3 seed. This puts them ahead of power conference teams like Maryland, Michigan State, and Texas A&M. If the red-hot Huskies can defeat Marquette, then I see them making an improbable run to the Sweet 16, which would provide a little respect to the downtrodden Pac-10 conference.

Regional Final: #2 West Virginia over #1 Kentucky
I have not been sold on Kentucky as a Final Four team all season. John Wall is not as mature as Derrick Rose and I believe DeMarcus Cousins is a year or two away from being Joey Dorsey. Thus, this Kentucky team reminds me of the 2006 or 2007 Memphis squads that bowed out in a Regional Final. In a matchup of two of the most despised coaches in Division I basketball, Bitchin' Bob's Mountaineers will find a way to upset Cheatin' Cal's Wildcats.

South Regional (Houston)
Top Seeds: #1 Duke, #2 Villanova, #3 Baylor
Possible Sleepers: #7 Richmond, #11 Old Dominion

This region could be renamed the Poser Region as the #2, #4, #6 and #8 seeds are all overrated and should be bowing out prior to the Elite Eight. That leaves challengers #3 Baylor and #5 Texas A&M for #1 Duke, both of whom will have large partisan crowds in Houston for the Sweet 16 and Elite 8.

1st Round Upsets: #11 Old Dominion over #6 Notre Dame - The Irish were about as good as the Gophers this year and yet they're rated a full five seeds higher. Old Dominion, meanwhile, is 16th in Adjusted Defense and can slow the tempo down and bang in the halfcourt with ND. They also hail from the CAA, which has had some success in the last few March Madness's.

2nd Round Upsets: None

Regional Final: #3 Baylor over #1 Duke
Even though this Duke team is one of the best in the last few years, I just don't think they have the horses to stick with a feisty and extremely athletic Baylor team. This one could go into overtime, but unless the Blue Devils shoot the lights out and control the glass, the Bears will make it two Big 12 teams in the National Semifinals.

Final Four (Indianapolis)

#1 Kansas vs. #1 Syracuse
Syracuse went undefeated outside of the Big East this season and was only beaten by one team (Louisville) twice during the regular season. The reason? It is very hard to prepare for the matchup zone defense that the Orange play. With a week to prepare, however, I believe that Bill Self and his staff will implore a strategy to get easy buckets for Cole Aldrich and the Morriss twins inside.
In a rematch of the 2003 National Championship game, I think the Jayhawks solve Jim Boeheim's matchup zone and rock the Orange.
Kansas 84 Syracuse 72

#2 West Virginia vs. #3 Baylor
I struggled mightily in selecting both of these teams to spring an upset and advance to Indianapolis. Both squads will have to overcome statistically stronger opponents in the Regional Finals in Duke and Kentucky. In all honesty, there are only a couple of teams in each region which have the profile for Final Four teams. Baylor is not one of them, but as Luke Winn says they are the best challenger to the Dukies. West Virginia, meanwhile, does fit the profile and has the experience as star players to make a championship run.

I believe the difference in the both the matchup with Kentucky and Baylor for the Mountaineers will be DeSean Butler. He elevated himself to an elite player status in the Big East Tournament and I expect him to carry his team to the National Title game against Kansas.
West Virginia 64 Baylor 58

National Championship

#1 Kansas vs. #2 West Virginia
I did not selection North Carolina as my national champion a season ago because I wanted to go out on a limb. That turned out to be an egregious mistake which made me look more like a fool than an avid college basketball fan. This year, I will not make that mistake again. Kansas has been the best team in the land all year and I am taking the tournament's top seed and best team to cut down the nets at Lucas Oil Stadium.

Kansas 71 West Virginia 60

Son of a Bitch

2010-03-09T08:27:00.006-06:00

With a season full of extremely lofty expectations, this is not what the Twins needed:

"Closer Joe Nathan and the Twins were hit with the news this morning that he has a significant tear if the Ulnar Collateral Ligament in his right elbow, a potentially devastating blow to a team looking to make an extended postseason run."

Nathan's injury and probable absence does not mean the Twins 2010 chances go out the window. It does make the team's largest question mark, the bullpen, even more of a liability with the regular season just a month away.

You'll Have To Excuse Me

2010-03-08T22:34:00.004-06:00

I need to change my pants. And clean my keyboard.

HT: everywhere, but we'll credit the 7th Floor, which is where amazing happens.

Cinderellas or POSERS?

2010-03-08T19:32:00.011-06:00

It's conference tournament time and the next week will provide us with enough Joe Lunardi, Andy Katz, and Seth Davis that you'll want to put a couple rounds of buck shot through your flat screen. When the brackets are announced Sunday night, I'll begin my crack-pot analysis for my 5th annual NCAA Tournament preview that will be posted prior to the opening games. In the meantime, I'll give you analysis of some of the best mid-majors that could be either wearing the glass slipper or exiting in the first round come March Madness.

The latest college basketball polls were released this afternoon and to me a few of the non-power conference schools ranked in the top 20 are teams which are very intriguing heading into championship week. Let's begin with New Mexico which is ranked #8, and projected to grab a #2 seed if they win the Mountain West conference tournament.

The Lobos finished 14-2 in a top heavy conference and swept their closest MWC competitor, BYU. Steve Alford's squad, however, has just two quality wins outside of their league (TX A&M and CAL) and played a strength of schedule ranked around 100. They have won 14 consecutive contests and would be 31-3 with three victories and a MWC tournament title. The resume is strong enough for a #2 line, but unfortunately the Lobos' play isn't quite good enough for a deep NCAA run.
Verdict: Posers

Next, we have #12 Butler, a program which will participate in its sixth NCAA tournament in the last 11 seasons. The Bulldogs are projected to be around a five seed, provided they defeat Wright State in tomorrow's Horizon League final and also depending on how other top teams perform. Along with Gonzaga, Butler has to be considered the class of the mid-major schools as they reached the Sweet Sixteen in 2003 and 2007. Like New Mexico, however, Butler has a very weak SOS and has no quality wins, as their victory over Ohio State came when First-Team All-American Evan Turner was out with an injury for the Buckeyes. They did down Siena in a bracketbuster matchup last month, but I just don't see how this team gets out of the first weekend of play.
Verdict: Posers

#14 BYU is the second Mountain West team to make this list. If the Cougars do not win the conference tournament, then they project to be a four or five seed. If they can run the table in Las Vegas, then BYU could potentially move up to the #3 line. A near identical resume to that of New Mexico's, the Cougars have a terrible strength of schedule and a serious lack of quality wins. For whatever reason, this team is seriously loved by the computers as both Pomeroy and Sagarin have them in their top ten. I like this team to possibly make it to the Sweet 16, unless they have to matchup with an overly athletic team such as Baylor in the second round.
Verdict: Cinderellas

#17 Temple is a squad which has received relatively no pub heading into the postseason, but one that could be a bracket buster. The Owls feature a strong and experienced backcourt along with forward LaVoy Allen, who is averaging a double-double in points and rebounds. They have a signature win over Villanova and two strong decisions over Virginia Tech and Siena. Temple also grades highly in the computers, even cracking the top ten in defensive efficiency. Watch out for this team next weekend as a five or six seed which could advance into the Sweet Sixteen.
Verdict: Cinderellas

Contrary to pretty much every other team on this list, #18 Gonzaga has a resume with a strong strength of schedule (save a win over Division III's Augustana) and one marquee victory (over Wisconsin). The Zags are 26-5 and will likely be a five seed, but this team is probably one or two lines too high with that slotting. They are kind of like a poor man's Duke in the sense that the NCAA selection committee tends to overrate Gonzaga, much like they do with the Blue Devils come tournament. This team is not a good as last year's Sweet Sixteen entrant and their lack of experience, outside of Matt Bouldin, will be their demise. I'd be surprised to see this team get to a regional.
Verdict: Posers

Tommy From Quinzee, Meet Your Twin Bro...

2010-02-26T10:17:00.005-06:00

...It's Winston from St. Thomas. Winston had a rough night last Knight, and apparently so did his shirt. FACK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

This one's for everyone in the Motherland

2010-02-21T19:16:00.003-06:00

Russia's 4-2 victory today over the Czech Republic produced some great hockey much like the first period of Canada-USA has done this evening. I assure you, however, that there will be no comparable moment in tonight's game or the rest of the Olympics to this:

The Gophers Won

2010-02-18T22:51:00.002-06:00

I don't give a flying fuck, but maybe you do.

Gay? Maybe. Phenomenal? Absolutely

2010-02-15T19:51:00.010-06:00

If you're like me you are a casual viewer of the Olympics, especially when events like the Biathlon and Curling are on the tube. The performance last night of the above short program (NOTE: video is not actual Olympic performance) by German figure skaters Aliona Savchenko and Robin Szolkowy, however, struck a chord with my inner gayness. Due to that, I am now going to watch tonight's free skate with heightened interest...don't be surprised if you get hooked too.

Happy Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T17:19:00.006-06:00

On Big 10 and Pac 10 Expansion

2010-02-12T10:36:00.012-06:00

This picture is largely irrelevant to this "article." I just enjoyed it. via

As you may have heard, the Big 10 and Pac 10 are talking about expansion. Again. This is important, if for no other reason than it gets us one step closer to the dmk playoff plan (championed since Spring of 2003, and yes I have proof, in the form of an paper submitted for a class, a paper which received an A, thank you very much, and was recycled three times by three different people, all of whom also received A's, because Carleton professors are lazy and wouldn't know the difference between a good football-related argument and a Sid Hartman-quality football-related argument) which would finally eliminate the fucking idiotic ZOMG ONLY TWO TEAMS ARE EVER QUALIFIED TO PLAY FOR THE NATIONAL TITLE!!!11!!ONE!!! setup we currently have. The Big 10 would need to add one team in order to reach the magical twelve team mark necessary for a conference championship game, while the Pac 10 would need to add two.

This is roughly the 874th time the Big 10 has talked about adding a twelfth team to the conference, and roughly the 874th time that Notre Dame will inevitably reject the invitation to become that twelfth team. Notre Dame's not coming. Let's get that out of the way.

The Big 10's also making a stab at luring Texas to the Big 10, in the same way I'm making a stab at luring Megan Fox to my bedroom for some casual Friday night reverse cowgirl. Sure, it's a cute thought, but it doesn't make a bit of goddamn sense for Texas (or Megan Fox). Texas would be giving up a top-heavy revenue sharing scheme in the Big 12 - a revenue sharing scheme that works to their advantage - and all of their traditional rivals in order to join....what, exactly? An academically superior conference that would be spread from Pennsylvania to Minnesota to Texas (travel costs for the non-revenue sports would be fun)? The football and basketball aren't any better in the Big 10 than in the Big 12, and the Texas baseball program, a perennial power, would suffer in a conference switch. Yes, having Texas, Michigan, and Ohio State in the same conference would be cool from a potential rivals perspective, but it's not a practical solution, and the benefits coming to Texas don't outweigh the costs of switching conferences.

Outside of Texas, the Big 10 seems to be focusing on poaching either Pitt from the Big East or Missouri from the Big 12. Pitt's a natural fit, because of the geographic proximity to Penn State, the natural rivalry with Penn State, the Pitt academics, the solid football and basketball teams, and the opportunity for the Big 10 to expand into what is surely an extremely lucrative Pittsburgh television market. Pitt also doesn't have many traditional rivalries they'd be eschewing by leaving the Big East, so that's a plus.

Missouri would also have the academics and athletics that the Big 10 is looking for, and also allows the Big 10 to get their manifest destiny on and expand westward. But Missouri has all of those pesky Big 12 rivalries, including the Kansas-Missouri Border War (or Civil War, whatever it's called). Missouri also does a lot of recruiting out of Texas, and that recruiting would be hurt by any move to the Big 10.

Meanwhile, the Pac 10 has a plan to get to twelve teams, and that plan also may involve poaching a Big 12 team (the Big 12 has a shitty TV contract, the and revenue sharing deal isn't great if you're not one of the top teams). The Pac 10 is nearly picky about academics as the Big 10, despite what the inclusion of Arizona State and Oregon State may lead you to believe. The Pac 10 only takes large "research universities," which is why Boise St. won't merit consideration, despite what would seem to be a good fit football-wise (also: Boise St. doesn't play non-football sports well, and their academics are essentially on an Augsburg Tech level).

Instead, the Pac 10 wants to add Colorado and Utah. Utah is an excellent match and probably would (and definitely should) jump at the opportunity to join the Pac 10. The Utes have the academics to join the conference, play all the little (non-revenue) sports reasonably well, and have basketball and football teams that could, at the least, be competitive in the Pac 10 (and, personally, I would have liked to have seen the '08 Utah team vs. the '08 USC team in a Pac 10 title game).

Colorado....well, that's a little tougher. Colorado seems more like a Pac 10 school than a Big 12 school, at least student body wise (i.e. hippies/douchebags who like snowboarding and playing an acoustic guitar at parties fit in more with Pac 10 BRAHS than Big 12 bros). And Colorado would probably have an easier time recruiting in the Western states than trying to pull kids from Texas (again, because of the student body, although Texas kids may be more down with getting all rapey). But moving to the Pac 10 would mean that Colorado would abandon their longtime rivals in the Big 12 - most notably, Nebraska. Sure, Colorado-Nebraska could be scheduled as an annual out of conference game (just as Utah-BYU and Missouri-Kansas could), but that's a little big tougher to pull off, and the secondary rivalries (i.e. Colorado-Kansas, Colorado-Oklahoma, etc.) are still a little tough to leave.

Anyway, the word is that if Colorado and Utah will join the Pac 10, then the Pac 10 is expanding to twelve teams. But if both won't join the Pac 10, then the Pac 10 may not expand at all, because otherwise the Pac 10 is in a tough spot. Nevada doesn't bring much to the table in terms of competitive sports or media market, UNLV's football team blows almost as much as their academics, New Mexico...well, they add nothing whatsoever, unless you believe the Albuquerque media market is lucrative, and Idaho and Wyoming make less sense than any of the previous three schools mentioned. I actually like the idea of the Pac 10 adding Colorado State, if Colorado wants to stay in the Big 12, but I don't see the Pac 10 going for CSU.

Oh, and, of course, there's the opening in the Big 12 that's created by a potential departure from either Missouri or Colorado. If Texas leaves the Big 12, then the conference should probably just disband. They're completely fucked, and not in a fun way. If either Colorado or Missouri leaves, I'd hope that TCU gets the Big 12 invite, but I don't know that TCU fits academically. BYU is rumored to be under consideration if the Big 12 has an opening, but BYU isn't a great academic institution, and, like the Lions, they don't play on Sundays.

If both Colorado and Missouri leave, I suppose the Big 12 could invite both TCU and BYU, but that seems like an awfully big step down in terms of prestige. I'd like to believe the Big 12 would try to lure Arkansas back, because Arkansas always had more traditional rivals in the Big 12 than in the SEC and would have a better shot of actually winning the Big 12 than the SEC, but I'm not sure the Razorbacks would leave the SEC anymore.

Anyway, that was kind of a rambling mess. If you're keeping score at home, here's what's quasi-likely to happen, if the expansion goes forward.

Big 10	Big 12	Pac 10
Illinois	Baylor	Arizona
Indiana	Iowa State	Arizona State
Iowa	Kansas	California
Michigan	Kansas State	Oregon
Michigan State	Nebraska	Oregon State
Minnesota	Oklahoma	Stanford
Northwestern	Oklahoma State	UCLA
Ohio State	Texas	USC
Penn State	Texas A & M	Washington
Purdue	Texas Tech	Washington State
Wisconsin
	Departures (0-2):	Departures:
Departures:	Missouri	None
None	Colorado

Additions (1):	Additions (0-2):	Additions (2):
Missouri	TCU	Utah
Pittsburgh	BYU	Colorado
	Arkansas, New Mexico, Rice, ???
		New Mexico, BYU,
		Nevada, Colorado St, UNLV, ???

Eat Sh-t, Manning Family

2010-02-07T23:21:00.008-06:00

And here's a picture of our new hero Tracy Porter's haircut.

Also, we may need to check on AJR. I'd put his chances of still being alive at roughly 60%.

WINNAR

2010-02-06T12:16:00.000-06:00

Kid's a sophomore.

Twins Sign Hudson

2010-02-04T23:17:00.003-06:00

While the rest of IHS crack journalism team heads down to sunny South Florida for Super Bowl Weekend, I'm stuck in central Iowa. But it's not without benefit for you dear reader.

Because I'm happy to break to you that, in the last hour, late Thursday night, the Twins agreed to terms with long sought-after free agent second baseman Orlando Hudson.

Provided that he is in fact completely healthy and has no ill effects from his wrist injury late last season, for the Twins to sign him a one-year deal worth $5 million is about as smart a move as Billy Smith has made in his short tenure.

Now if he can just keep the Mauer deal to 6-8 years in length...